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He seems quiet lately, is there reason for concern?


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Okay, I am going to try to try to explain this simply

 

I met this great guy over the internet, we get along great, due to the fact that we are extremely similar emotionally and as people (how we think etc.) We have a healthy amount of differences, he is very logical, I am more artsy and dreamy, etc. I went to go visit him in the fall oft his year and he was even more wonderful than I imagined. There's...very little I don't like about this guy. We are both in our early twenties, and have the same maturity level which is awesome/ Lately, he has told me that he wants me to call him less (I did tend to call alot before) and we usually call in the morning, night, and sometimes before school/work and after. We do text, but not an awful lot like before? I realize that in the first few months that there is constant contact, and I know that his feelings havent changed, he's just...more quiet and says that he likes some alone time. Again, hes a great guy that would literally do anything for me, and I know that in past relationships I have tended to smother the other person which I'm pretty sure is related to my anxiety. I guess lately he's been the same but in smaller and more distant amounts? Like today he texted me that he got me another Christmas present, texts that he loves me, etc. Where do I go from here wit the contact, match his quiet behavior since he indicated wanting alone time and call on our usual times, or what? any advice would be appreciated...thanks! (This has been eating at me all day, and it feels good to get it off my chest)

 

Something extra...due to my anxiety/relationship anxiety I tend to worry about the other person leaving me or falling out of love with me, as these feelings are nonsense, is there any way to combat/deal with them?

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I think you need to focus on finding constructive ways to deal with your anxiety. Couple of thoughts here:

 

1. I have a dear friend with bad anxiety. I lover her and consider her a dearest friend, but frankly she drives me crazy with her anxiety. At times it comes accross so self centered. And she uses it as an excuse sometimes if there is an issue between us. She will say things like-- why are you mad at me, you know I have bad anxiety. It makes me feel like I can't be mad at her even if she is wrong.... It's also very annoying because she talks about her self at length... As a girl, I know we all so this but sometimes she is so over the top with her SELF! It actually limits our friendship. I just can't deal with it all the time. I have a life too and other people I am worried about as well. Her daily dramas make me mental at times.

 

2. Someone telling you they want to talk to you less, is a huge red flag. Either they are not that into you or you are treading on being too clingy or annoying. So you need to determine what's up with that.

 

3. Whenever you are more focused on someone than yourself on a regular basis, there is something you need to work on for yourself. I'm not saying when the person has a serious problem or something you have concern for them as a loved one. But seriously, you have to be the focus of your life.

 

Edited to add: I try to follow the man's lead as far as contacting. Not saying you can't contact on your own but letting him set the pace solves the problem of contacting too much and not knowing it. Also when people call you first, they want to talk to you. There focus is on you. If you are always contacting him, it's like here she is again.......

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Take deep breaths and remind yourself, he just texted you today he got you a Christmas gift, he said he loves you, there's nothing to worry about and go on with your day. Find more things to do w/ your time and other people to talk to in order to stay busy and not get caught up in your head w/ insecurities. For me when I'm feeling insecure I can obsess about tiny things and turn them into my own nightmare so I work on focusing on the positive and not letting my mind start down the obsessing path because it's easier to stop it at the start then try to wind down after it's gone out of control.

 

As far as how much contact, everyone is different in what they want and I think in relationships you try to balance as best you can to keep both people happy. I personally wouldn't want to talk to anyone on the phone 2 or 3 times a day. Maybe you could ask him what is ideal for him and agree on an amount that seems fair to you both. He's asked you to back off a bit and you should definitely do that, even if I really loved the person if I felt suffocated I'd pull away and may even come to resent them. At first less contact may be difficult and increase your anxiety but after awhile you'll get used to it, it'll be the new norm.

 

Like lambert, I follow his lead on how much contact. I initiate contact, too, spontaneously but ultimately I follow their lead and let them do the majority of the contact. I'm open and happy to hear from them and do make contact first at times.

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As far as number 2, I am pretty sure that it is the second example you gave with being too clingy or annoying. He has shown in many ways that he loves me, and is always very upfront and honest about his feelings with things going on between us...he's probably the most communicative man Iv'e ever met to be frank. I realize that I really need to back off, it has hurt relationships in the past, and that is the very last thing I want to do. I really love this guy, so give him his space I will, as much as it's really tough sometimes.

I think that focusing on yourself and participating in things you need/like to do like hobbies, work, school, etc. is right on the money.

As far as with the anxiety...it's really tough because I deal with it all on my own. He tells me to call him whenever I am down, and I do...sometimes, but for personal experience its not good to do too much of that or it will weigh down or kill the relationship. So when I'm feeling down, I try to ignore it, talk to a friend about it (if I can, my friends are hard to get a hold of) just go on with my day. Iv'e thought about therapy, but Ive seen so many therapists, I don't know how much that would help.

Iv'e noticed...that guys like to do the contacting...I don't know why this is....but I will go with it, and let him contact as jjkk also recommends.

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So I asked him if he was okay, because he was quiet, and it turns out he was super anxious and stressed about school (He takes 5 classes) because of projects and classes. He was really down, and he needed me We talked over the phone and he seems better, end of the semester is a really rough time

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