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My Boyfriend is addicted to the computer... or is it just me?


tobiloh

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I didn't think this would ever truly be a problem. It seems that I have fallen into a pattern of boyfriends that are addicted to gaming/internet/computers and technology in general. But this one matters to me... I want to be with this man for the rest of my life!

 

I know it's not completely his fault. Any time I try to talk about his insane computer usage, I get offensive these days and I know it is not helping my case with him. In fact.. I feel I have made the situation worse because now I have resigned into this lifestyle! I literally spend all weekend on the sofa and get small pleasures throughout the day by randomly shouting out, "I love you!" and asking for a kiss here and there.

 

A typical day for my beloved is waking up, getting on the computer and surfing the internet.... all day... with only breaks to eat, relieve himself or, if the weather permits, to go surfing for 2-3 hours. He will then come home, shower, and be on the computer until the wee hours of the night. Computer usage is justified when he is working on his website for his work or when he is editing for his job and yes, I agree with an hour or two of recreational computer time... but I work a full-time job and am pursuing a career by taking 4 classes. When I leave in the morning, he is hard asleep, I know he is online all day at home because I see the green icon by his name and when I get home from work, he is either not there because he went surfing, or he is surfing the internet! I practically have to beg him to come to sleep with me and he gets frustrated but complies, which I am so grateful for.

 

A while ago, when I had time, I even resigned to playing WoW with him to have fun with him online. Now, neither of us play so it's not gaming that's the issue.. it's Youtube and Vine.. Oh my goodness... the VINE! How can someone spend HOURS watching videos that are only 7 seconds long?! We barely talk. The only us time we get is when we go out for dinner or go watch a movie. It's killing me because I could use some time away from work/school to be with someone who makes me happy but all I see day after day is the back of his head and a mounting pile of sunflower seeds. I mean.. I clean the house, the other day I did 8 loads of laundry by myself (while he was out surfing, so I didn't mind it toooo much).... but I feel neglected. If I am spending 50 hours a week out of the house working/schooling and hours at home trying to study... and I come home to a sink full of dishes, an unkept house and a man that has been comfortable in his chair for the entirety of the day, I go crazy!

 

What do I do? What can I even do at this point? I got a baby bird and dote on him just to feel connected to something alive... I live thousands of miles away from my family and friends for this man and all I have from him is a glance here and there and 15 minutes of his sweet laugh.

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Yikes. That's not a good situation. Computer, internet, WOW...these can be real addictions for people that are REALLY hard to break. It's not unlike other addictions in that he is a good person but simply not able to meet your needs due to this thing. You have to accept that...because you cannot change him.

 

My advice to you would be to lay down the law HARD. Say this is how it is...either meet me in the middle or don't meet me at all. If he follows and limits his computer time, great, be supportive of that. If he doesn't, leave him.

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Oh no! You're right Edmund. I am such an enabler. It's so hard to talk to him though because I see it in his eyes that he doesn't understand why I criticize his computer usage; perhaps he does not see it as a problem yet.

 

Lay down the law? Perhaps give him limits?

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There has to be something I can do. He is truly a loving man and I know that if we had children (one day) he would change completely. He would be a lot more active and much more involved; this I am absolutely sure of.

 

It's just that he's enjoying all this recreational time now, while he has no true responsibilities or obligations. But one day I woke up and just went, "oh God. I do not feel important to this man. For a while now, I have been trying to sway him off of technology but unless it's sex or food... he's glued." This past month or so it's gotten worse!

 

I ask him to go to bed with me cos I just can't sleep without him there (I literally wake up every hour) and he has taken to taking his tablet to bed! He will put on headphones and I'll hide under the blanket to not see the light but at least he's there to snuggle... honestly the Ipad was the last straw and that's why I'm coming to a forum.

 

Goodness. Do I need a therapist?! haha

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I'm sorry your in this situation . It's very hard I can relate. I would tell him how this is making you feel. Then if he can't meet you half way. Then he really is a selfish person. He can't have his cake & eat it to. Your a person with feelings & needs not a object.

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Mhowe,

 

I see where you're coming from and for a while I was convinced that he would not change even if we had a family and a lot of fights broke out. I felt that he would only love the baby and that he would not be doing any of it for me. He was so hurt by what I said and I felt awful for it.

 

He is so loving in ways that I cannot put in words. He just has small hang-ups. I know I have problems too, but he deals with it by not telling me and lets it fester until we argue and he makes a bullet point list in all the ways I disappoint him. I don't want to do that to him and I want to work on this relationship by making changes and compromises.

 

I also wonder... he's on the computer all the time, but never puts up a picture of us on Facebook. I have several photos of us together that look nice and professional and he just has this one photo of him on his motorcycle. I have dealt with my feelings on that for over a year.. but it makes me feel as if he is unsure about our relationship and doesn't want to show his friends that we are truly together. Am I delving too much into this? For all the time he spends on the computer... I feel that something as small as Facebook shouldn't take up too much time and the photos are really nice! It hurts me when I see my friends and their boyfriends with the photos up and my boyfriend.. as computer addicted as he is looks single on his profile if not for all the tagging I've done. hmmph.

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Anyone who ever showed me a bullet point list of how I disappoint them would see my a$$walking out the door.

 

Your bf has zero communication skills, zero interest in anything beyond his computer and surf board. Why you put up with it is beyond me.

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Pl3ase - I never really go for looks. I mean one of my ex's was a bit over weight and had horrible acne and I loved him and supported him through a hard time in his life. He ended up going to the gym and his face cleared and ironically that is when we broke up haha! I mean, I am attracted to him or else I would never have given him a chance!

 

Mhowe! AGH I don't knooooooooow. Give me your strength haha

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I'm just trying really hard here... with school and being 6,000 miles away from my closest family and not having really much for friends here... it's even tougher to separate. In NY, I was a different person and would have left him a long time ago.

 

I do feel too young to settle. But damn, it's hard enough worrying about my career that I just remain content with what I've got.

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Also, having a baby will not change him! I bet it will make things worse because it's extremely stressful having a child and this is how he copes. If you aren't ready to leave him yet, please don't add to the difficulty by having a kid with him. You'll be single mom w/ the daddy glued to the computer 24/7, tuning out the crying and pleas for help.

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Pl3ase - I never really go for looks. I mean one of my ex's was a bit over weight and had horrible acne and I loved him and supported him through a hard time in his life. He ended up going to the gym and his face cleared and ironically that is when we broke up haha! I mean, I am attracted to him or else I would never have given him a chance!

 

Mhowe! AGH I don't knooooooooow. Give me your strength haha

 

I don't see why this guy deserves a girlfriend then.

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Yes Edmund, that's what I got from that response too. My asking him to take it seriously only got an "Ok ok, don't catch fire."

 

I think it's time I pay a visit back to the North East and re-channel my self worth.

 

Yeahhhh....and the crowd goes wild!!!

Thunderous applause.

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It's just awful that there is no real way to communicate with him. When I do bring up what bothers me, instead of working it out, he retorts with "Yea, well there's a lot that you do that bothers me too and I just don't say anything about it anymore!"

 

My good nature keeps putting it off as "well, every relationship has problems. What's worth keeping" and since you all are just reinforcing my own doubts -- it's so true that this is something I am "enabling" to happen to me. Gosh. Why haven't I posted sooner?

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