Is there something wrong with me?

[Tanzi]

That's a nice, encouraging response.

 

Tough medicine should be saved for those who are in complete denial.

 

Agree. A completely pointless and unnecessary response.

 

There would be no need for forums like this if it were that easy.

[sophi3]

officemate asked me how long it's been since the breakup. I told her it happened this oct. she asked, why are you still sad? I got pissed since she thinks it's that easy. How insensitive

[deejay74]

That's a nice, encouraging response.

 

Tough medicine should be saved for those who are in complete denial.

 

I guess some people think tough love/medicine will work in these cases. I know he/she was trying to help.

 

Deejay, you're just starting the grieving process. It is going to take a lot more time than you hoped or thought, probably. The harder you try to ignore, push, pull, run, hide, cover up, the harder it will be to get a grip on your emotions.

 

When the subliminal mind is in emergency crisis mode, and your conscious mind is making efforts to ignore what's bubbling under the surface, the two parts of your mind become at odds with each other and it causes intense agitation. You can't run fast enough, far enough, or often enough to escape the pain of grieving. You basically have to surrender to it and work on being strong enough to endure the slow slog of healing.

 

Holidays suck!

 

Patience for myself is difficult because the feeling is so uncomfortable and negative. I know you know. When people keep telling me it's going to take time and possibly lots of it, it makes me sadder that I have to endure more of this.

 

Agree. A completely pointless and unnecessary response.

 

There would be no need for forums like this if it were that easy.

 

I don't think they were trying to be mean.

 

officemate asked me how long it's been since the breakup. I told her it happened this oct. she asked, why are you still sad? I got pissed since she thinks it's that easy. How insensitive

 

yeah, some people just don't understand it or they didn't mean for it to come out that way.

 

ok, so this morning i had a moment of weakness. please, please don't lecture me. i know i shouldn't have but i emailed my ex asking her if she's ok and holding up. that was it. nothing more. i don't really feel bad about it and i know she won't respond, and i am ok with that. i think she's got my email addresses filtered so she probably won't even see it, which is good. with all the things that happened between us, from what she did during the relationship and what i did after, i still care about her, but i know that shouldn't be an excuse to contact her. again, i know i shouldn't have done it, but what's done is done.

[sophi3]

ok, so this morning i had a moment of weakness. please, please don't lecture me. i know i shouldn't have but i emailed my ex asking her if she's ok and holding up. that was it. nothing more. i don't really feel bad about it and i know she won't respond, and i am ok with that. i think she's got my email addresses filtered so she probably won't even see it, which is good. with all the things that happened between us, from what she did during the relationship and what i did after, i still care about her, but i know that shouldn't be an excuse to contact her. again, i know i shouldn't have done it, but what's done is done.

as long as you dont feel bad then i guess that's okay. if it helps im feeling the same way you are about being frustrated that i dont feel better. ive been doing a lot, going out with friends even if i want to stay at home. at home im not even supposed to mourn because my dad told me that they are affected when im sad. im starting to feel that my friends are getting sick of me telling them the same stories everytime. when will the pain end

[deejay74]

Today would've been our 1 year anniversary.

 

Happy (would be) anniversary, S!! I hope you're doing fine and have moved on.

[rmoheban]

There is nothing wrong with you-you are feeling a loss and seem to be doing all the right things ie: therapy and medication, to cope and feel better. My relationship advice to you is it’s important to fill up your time with friends, support and as many fun activities as you can—keep your mind occupied and when you start thinking about your ex-girlfriend and the relationship-- focus on the reasons of WHY you broke up-this will help you-often times we get caught up in missing the person and we tend to forget reasons the relationship ended. If your parents staying over with you helped, keep doing similar things to keep you feeling supported. You also may want to speak with your therapist /psychiatrist about increasing your medication or changing it if you aren’t feeling better.

[Tanzi]

officemate asked me how long it's been since the breakup. I told her it happened this oct. she asked, why are you still sad? I got pissed since she thinks it's that easy. How insensitive

 

Extremely. That is no time at all.

[deejay74]

There is nothing wrong with you-you are feeling a loss and seem to be doing all the right things ie: therapy and medication, to cope and feel better. My relationship advice to you is it’s important to fill up your time with friends, support and as many fun activities as you can—keep your mind occupied and when you start thinking about your ex-girlfriend and the relationship-- focus on the reasons of WHY you broke up-this will help you-often times we get caught up in missing the person and we tend to forget reasons the relationship ended. If your parents staying over with you helped, keep doing similar things to keep you feeling supported. You also may want to speak with your therapist /psychiatrist about increasing your medication or changing it if you aren’t feeling better.

 

yes, i keep thinking about my ex and why the relationship didn't work. i hold a lot of blame because she kept on blaming me for a lot of things, sometimes even exaggerated about me and how she perceived the relationship. i'm having a difficult time with that too.

 

i'm going to my psychiatrist today to talk about the meds. i'm getting some odd side effects as well.

 

but the past 2 days have been really hard. i'm really sad and have not been able to stop thinking about my ex. i guess this is one of those "down" periods again.

 

i'm sure my ex is happy and enjoying life, is probably seeing someone else already, and i'm still struggling to cope. i unblocked her from Facebook and saw a couple of selfies she took and she looked really happy. i reblocked her today.

 

i just want to get through this and for this to be all over with and for me to go a day without thinking about my ex.

[deejay74]

I tried making myself cry today. it's not working. i even was looking at pics of my ex and me over the course of our relationship. i did get sad, but i didn't cry. it just makes me miss her even more.

 

i just want to move on!

[lovingtheextra]

I tried making myself cry today. it's not working. i even was looking at pics of my ex and me over the course of our relationship. i did get sad, but i didn't cry. it just makes me miss her even more.

 

i just want to move on!

 

You know funny enough I have tried to cry multiple times also but it is to a point where it just won't happen. I kind of want to because it just helps to get it all out but even if I think of her and the good times or whatever I can't cry. I have two or three folders with pictures of us and I stay away from them like the folders are spawns of Satan. Though to be honest I would probably want to hang out with Satan but that is besides the point. For the past 10-11 months I have not seen one picture of her because I don't know how it will affect me.

 

It is good you blocked her again. Facebook is poison man when it comes to healing from a breakup. I would post happy status's on it just to try to trick my brain into happiness but my ex would take that as me being all healed and happy. Not saying that is the case with your ex but you cannot take anything from Facebook at face value. I know it is hard to ignore things of that sort but try to imagine that Facebook does not even exist for the time being.

[deejay74]

Thanks for your post and sharing your experience.

 

I don't think I can look at those pics anymore. It was very hard to see.

 

I'm trying to not take Facebook at face value (no pun intended). But she looked so happy and pretty.

 

So, I just had a outburst of emotions just now. I called my mom to talk and we had a great talk. My step dad died in 2010 and she was sharing her experience and we cried on the phone together. I was a little sad to hear my mom cry but it was comforting to know she knows what I am feeling. I feel a little bit better now that I had a healthy cry.

 

I'm trying to focus on tonight now. 2 of my female friends invited me out to a vegan fundraiser dinner. One of my friends lost her mother 4 months ago yesterday, and they are aware of my healing from the break up. So, I will be in good company tonight.

[lovingtheextra]

Sounds like you have a great mom. Nothing like letting it all out and someone being able to understand what you feel.

 

Always good to have female friends because in my experience it is much easier to express your breaking up emotions to a female friend rather then a male friend.

 

I can understand how seeing those pictures would hurt so much. Regardless of whether she is happy or not seeing her happy must hurt. I feel your pain man. As I remember those dreadful days. I have improved a lot but still have ways to go. You are doing the right things, besides a few bumps here and there, on the road to recovery.

[deejay74]

Sounds like you have a great mom. Nothing like letting it all out and someone being able to understand what you feel.

 

Always good to have female friends because in my experience it is much easier to express your breaking up emotions to a female friend rather then a male friend.

 

I can understand how seeing those pictures would hurt so much. Regardless of whether she is happy or not seeing her happy must hurt. I feel your pain man. As I remember those dreadful days. I have improved a lot but still have ways to go. You are doing the right things, besides a few bumps here and there, on the road to recovery.

 

thank you. yes, my mom is great. i thought she was starting to get tired of hearing me talk about my pain as well.

 

this weekend has been pretty bad. i still feel like there's something wrong with me.

 

i just miss my ex so much. i miss her companionship, her smell, her voice, the way she felt when we hugged, her attention, the sex, just everything.

 

i'm a mess.

[lovingtheextra]

I assure you nothing is wrong with you. I would say if there was someone you were so invested in left and you did not feel this way, then something is wrong with you.

 

I believe it is 11 months post BU for me now. And I would say I have made great progress from crying 5 times a day, daydreaming constantly, hoping that somehow I could continue the relationship again. It came to a point were I realized that I should never get back with her but I longed for her like nothing else in my life. And even to this day I miss the intimacy I had, it was amazing. Made me feel loved and wanted and I think everybody like to feel that. Maybe that is why we have such a hard time moving on.

 

I used to wish that she contacts me so I can hear her voice again or see her face again. And now I have moved on to a point where I honestly wish that she doesn't. Not because I am so strong that I can just say no but because I am weak enough that I might say yes. So just goes to show how painfully long this process of healing can be.

 

I don't doubt you are a mess, and I feel like this mess may continue for some time but not forever. I think we all subconsciously know that there is a good chance we will not feel this way in the future but the pain in the present is so intense that it is hard to believe.

 

There are a lot of things people suggest you can do to help but majority of those things only give instant relief and the sting lasts for a long time. After this relationship I have become more pessimistic, I seem to dislike people more and though I have improved I have also developed traits that I dislike. And I hope that once I am completely healed I would have purged the negative characteristics I built as well.

 

Just wanted to share with you and show that even almost a year after BU I am still not completely good. It still hurts, I still have not been able to forgive, I still at times long for her, I feel a lot of jealousy that she may be having fun while I am stuck in this cloud of gloom. But then I have some good point also. So it just goes to show that their is nothing wrong with you. You are normal and hurting like a lot of us and as hard and improbable it seems, you will overcome it

[deejay74]

I really appreciate you sharing your story. Thank you.

 

Even though our last exchange was very nasty on her part by her saying "F-U" a couple of times because I said she wasn't committed to me, which is true, and even though I know she isn't the right one for me, I can't help missing her and wanting her to come back.

 

You're right, doing those things people suggest only gives temporary relief. I want sustained relief from the pain, sadness, longing, etc.

 

See, I am so scared that it's going to take months and months to get over this. We only went out for 10 months, but it was an intense 10 months. We talked marriage, kids, we got an apartment together but she left me 2 days before she was supposed to move in. She broke up with me 5 times, but took me back 4 of them. I let myself become vulnerable and it was the first time in a few relationships where I let myself do that and I got very hurt.

 

It's so confusing because she did break up with me 5 times and I know if she got back together she'd probably do it again. I think being alone in this apartment we got together is a constant reminder of what could've been. And the fact that she blocked me from contacting her, except me blocking her on Facebook, adds insult to injury. She blames me for everything that went wrong and sometimes I start to believe it.

 

I just have a mix of emotions but bottom line is I want to get over this and go a whole day without pain, sadness, or thinking about her. I can't take many more months of this.

[lovingtheextra]

You know it is interesting because I feel like I felt a lot of what you were feeling and a lot of circumstances in both our previous relationships are similar.

 

Sometimes I read a post on here about a person who is still not healed after 2 or 3 years and it scares me too. I get afraid that what if this takes years to over come and that is frightening. I don't want to feel like this another day let alone another year.

 

My ex blamed me for a lot of things as well, I was constantly told that I am a horrible person and it came to a point that I believed it just as you sometimes start to believe it. And that is such a horrible feeling. I felt as if I was lost, as if everything I knew about myself was a lie. And maybe I truly was a horrible person. I started doing volunteer work just to show to myself that I am a good person. But later on I came to the realization that she was just projecting her own faults and shortcomings on to me. There was no possible way that it could have been all my fault.

 

There are times when I just have deep conversations with myself to try to map out things in order to better understand them, these conversations mostly happen in the shower lol. But they are very helpful. Through these conversation I realized why I always got back with my ex regardless of what she or I may have done. Regardless of the magnitude of the act I would forgive my ex because she was there, I could touch her, I could hold, I could see her. And as long as I could do that I would forgive her because I found comfort in her. But now that she is no where near me, no contact what so ever all those things she did just sink in and I get angry. Mostly at myself that I compromised my happiness in that way. Sorry I don't really know what point I was trying to make, I just went on a tangent and started venting.

 

Even though we know the person is not good for us it doesn't help in the slightest when it comes to letting go. Every time me and my ex broke up I wanted to get back together badly and when we did I remembered the reason of the breakup. It was a brutal cycle. To be honest sometimes I wish I had never met my ex, but I don't know if I would actually go through with the wish given the opportunity.

 

But living in the apartment that you were to get together must be hard. Constantly being reminded just puts a damper on progress. How long till you can move out of the apt, if at all possible?

[deejay74]

Again, thanks for sharing your story. Your experience does sound similar to mine.

 

Every time she broke up with me, it was me who was trying to win her back. There was one time when she actually sort of came back to me after I left her alone for about a week (she asked me to leave her alone for that amount of time).

 

I believe you are right, I think our exes project on us to make us feel better. Especially my ex who insists she was committed to me. Well, she never said I wasn't but she was not. How could she be if she left me so flippantly 5 times? Especially when we got an apartment together? If she loved me, she would've worked things out. She always blamed me for breaking up with me. She seemed so happy when we were looking for apartments and was so excited. If you want to get the full story of my BU and the things that led up to it, you'd have to look up one of my older posts. here's one of them -

 

Regard to projection, she said the relationship was "soul crushing" at one point. She said I was controlling and insecure. I noticed whenever I tried to call her out on her issues, she would get so defensive. One of the most hurtful things she said to me post BU was when I asked her if she made any mistakes during the R/T. She said yeah, taking me back all those times. ouch. She said she was hoping I would change. But she didn't want to make any compromises. Whenever I tried to set boundaries, she said I was being controlling.

 

I'm stuck in the apartment until next October. We signed the least in September. It's privately owned and the landlord would not amend the lease. So, my ex's name is still on the lease and I can't sublet or break the lease without losing my deposit. My ex and her mom got a lawyer for me to sign an agreement that absolves my ex of all responsibility of the apartment and they paid me her portion of the rent for 1 year, which was actually $2200 less than what we agreed. I almost don't want to live there any more.

 

I want to let go of the hope that she will come running back to me. I know her living environment is not the best for her. She's 31 and living at home with her mom, who is crazy and very negative. She is living at home because she had her own place and her lease was up in May. The plan was for her to stay until my lease was up at the end of September. I truly believe that her mom had a bad influence on my ex, in addition to my ex's issues. She used to complain all the time about how much she hated living at home because her mom was so intrusive. But, she would include her mom in all her decision making. She's got to pay her mom back for the money she paid me for the year's worth of rent. The last time I spoke to her, she said she could barely afford gas. I am not sure that is true or not.

 

For all I know, she's dating again. I think she started dating me 3 months after her last break up.

 

Sorry for my tangent/rant.

 

At any rate, I think my ex hates me now. Like I said, the last email exchange we had she kept on saying that she was committed to me but I said she wasn't for the fact that she had a relationship online with an old flame (see my link).

 

I mentioned this in another thread, but after the break up, I guessed her gmail password (yes i know it's wrong) and saw all these conversations between her, her friends, and her old flame (D), from Chicago (again, see my link above). The whole time during our relationship i always felt there was something more than just friends, and she would tell me i was being insecure. after seeing her convos with him, i was right. She found out and I felt pretty bad about it. But at the same time, I felt validated.

 

Here's her last words to me, which I posted in another thread:

"F*ck you for saying I wasn't committed to you. F*ck you for being in denial. If you believe that because you can't cope with what you did, fine. We're never going to be civil. Seriously, stop emailing me before I contact ITS." ITS is her work IT group.

 

So, that's the last I heard from her.

 

But even with that, I still miss her and feel stuck in moving on. That's why I keep feeling something's wrong with me.

[lovingtheextra]

Wow man, seems like a very tough relationship. There is bound to be a lot of hurt following the break up.

 

In all honesty she did not seem like the best person to be in a relationship with. I think sometimes people have their own issues that they refuse to acknowledge and once they get in a relationship they bring the baggage in and it is very hard to make it work.

 

To a point I can understand staying in contact with your exes but I def do not understand the need to chat with them daily. And esp if that chatting is flirtatious and involves exchange of pictures. She may not be cheating on you but it produces unnecessary tensions in the relationship.

 

Sometimes I truly wonder if my ex will be capable of having a good relationship. From what I know of her past relationships, they all failed. I don't say this to be mean but I truly wonder. And if you ex is jumping in and out of relationships like that then I have a good feeling her current one won't last long either. A relationship is compromise, friendship, struggle and a lot more. It is not a field of butterflies and flowers and people need to realize that, fix themselves and be happy before taking on such a responsibility with another person.

 

I can understand why you think something is wrong with you when you want her back despite all of the hurt she has caused. And I will tell you again that there is nothing wrong with you by giving my own example. I will paraphrase some of the things my ex said to me:

"You are a worthless excuse for a human being"

"If you were to die today I would not come to your funeral"

"I hope your flight crashes"

"I hope you get in an accident and as they are taking your body away you see you legs ripped apart"

 

You would think I am an abusive child molester rapist serial killer of some kind from all of the things she said. And yet I wanted her back. The only thing I hoped for was that she comes back to me. Is there something wrong in that thinking? Yes there is. But I think that some relationships just have that effect on us. And as you grow further you slowly move from that line of thinking. I had a chance to get back with my ex but I declined even though I wanted to so badly. I was able to break that thinking, took me a while to do it, but I did. And sometimes we just need a few extra reminders to reach that point but in the end we reach it.

 

I have never made a list of the things I do not like about my ex, for two reasons. One is I would end up thinking about my ex too much and would feel sad. Two I am too lazy to do that. But every time I feel as if I want her back the bad memories come in and I am able to shake those thoughts of wanting her back. But it is like developing or getting rid of a habit. Just takes ..... I am going to say the most used and feared word ..... time lol.

[deejay74]

Man, my ex didn't say things like that to me. I am sorry to hear that your ex did.

 

Can I ask how you had a chance to get back with her after all that she said to you?

 

I tried making a list of things I didn't like. It worked for a moment, but then, when I look at it now, it doesn't really do much.

 

Yeah, that "t" word I hate so much.

 

Once it took me a whole year to get over a 6 month relationship. Ironically, that's what brought me to this site years ago. And here I am again. But this last relationship was much more hurtful.

[lovingtheextra]

After the last time she said those type of things to me I just replied saying that that is it and I don't want anything to do with her. I did not try to contact her, just decided to move on. I spent some time with other girls also. And not in the hope to replace my ex but it was a nice confidence booster I suppose.

 

After a few months she was the one who actually reached out and asked to get back together. She said that she realized that I treated her good. But by that time it was simply too late. It would be impossible for it to work not only because of relationship problems but logistical problems as well. Every time I have been in a break up there is one thing I noticed, which I feel is completely coincidental but an interesting nonetheless. I cry and I hope that my ex contacts me but she doesn't. After feeling like complete s h i t there comes a point when I decide enough is enough. And I feel better having made that resolve. But right after that my ex contacts me. And it sucks because I go back to ground zero again. That is what happened when the last time she contacted me. I got pushed back all the way to ground zero. But I am glad I held firm in my decision and said no.

 

I would like to point out that all the blame does not lie on my ex. I made a lot of mistakes as well and I did things that hurt her as well, not intentionally. So I don't want it to seem as though I was an angel. Though I think the things she did were horrible but I don't think she was a horrible person. I think she is just a normal person who did some bad things. I have not fully forgiven her but I need to. For my own sake. And that is one of the most difficult parts right now.

[deejay74]

I'm not even interested in other girls at the moment. I'm hanging out with female friends but that's about it. I've got no "prospects", my libido is pretty much non-existent, and my confidence has been shot. I am really trying to work on moving on first. I've been on a couple of dates, but I realized I am not ready.

 

I'm at the point where enough is enough, but the last contact I've had with my ex was only a few weeks ago. I can't recall if any other exes have come back when I have moved on. Who knows about this one. I'm not going to sit around and wait. I have this feeling I'll never see my ex or hear from her again. Except when I move out. I have to give her her deposit back. I'll deal with that when the time comes.

 

I wasn't assuming all the blame lies on your ex. I know I made mistakes too. We all do. We have some "issues" one way or another. I made mistakes too but the thing is, I never once thought about leaving my ex. Even with all the things I was suspecting she was doing. My mom and sister both told me they had never seen me make so many compromises and tried so hard to be a good boyfriend in any other relationship i've had. I treated my ex like a princess, which is what she wanted. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a door mat, but I know, regardless of my issues, I treated her better than any other BF she's had. But, she didn't love me enough to 1. make compromises and cut off those inappropriate relationships, 2. stay committed and work through the hard times and my issues, 3. own up to her mistakes, etc, etc. But again, I still miss her regardless.

 

I don't think my ex is horrible either. I sometimes almost feel sorry for her. She cannot realize, or refuses to acknowledge, her own flaws. She can be very nice, giving, and loving, and that's what i miss about her. She's very intelligent and a great artist. But she never capitalized on those traits. It's sometimes hard for me to hold onto those issues I had problems with because when I think about those good things, it's a reminder that I have never felt love those feelings with anyone else before. And so I forget about what she did that hurt me. Which puts me on this merry-go-round of not being able to let go and move on.

[lovingtheextra]

There has to be good things for one to miss a person. And just like your ex my ex had some really good qualities that I truly miss. And that is what makes the healing so difficult.

 

I like that you have made the resolve of not hoping and sitting around for her to come back. Progress is good, slow and steady. In my personal opinion I think you will come out fine at the end, however long that may be. You recognize your faults, you are willing to work on them and that is how you improve.

 

Yeah I am pretty short on "prospects" as well. And self confidence is at an all time low but I am slowly recovering. I have come a very long way to the point that I don't want a relationship, not with my ex or anybody else. I am content with being single. But not having sex is something that I miss. I would just like to have a FB but that type of thing is not easy to come by.

 

Anyways it was nice to hear your story. It is obvious you are in pain but I see signs of recovery at least in your thinking. And I hope you recover fast. As always ENA is a great place to let it out so we have that going for us lol

[deejay74]

Yeah. I hope that my ex misses me sometimes. I am a good person but with flaws, just like everyone else.

 

I have to admit, there are times when I wish she would contact me, but I try to push those feelings aside.

 

I have this feeling my ex is not in any pain anymore and has moved on. I know this is an assumption, but that's what I feel in my gut. And if that's the case, here I am still reeling, coping, and trying to move on.

 

Yeah, FWB is not easy to come by. At least not for guys. lol. I do miss sex as well but what I miss the most is the emotional connection with someone I love when having sex.

 

Thanks for sharing your story too. Ours are similar and it's nice to know we're in this together. But I sincerely hope it doesn't last much longer for either of us.