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You Guys are going to shout at me!!! Advice appreciated


InterSkyFalcon

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Dear All,

 

Firstly, apologies for a slightly long post, secondly thanks for taking time to read through.

 

OK, so my story starts in summer 2009. I started to get close to a co-worker, and we went out for a drink and she proceeded to jump all over me and quickly let me know that she fancied me. No problems from my end and I was happy to respond, problem was that she was married!! (yes, I know I should have known better).

 

After this we began to see each other, seeing each other maybe 2 times a week and some weekends, we also took in 2 worldwide trips and. This was a pretty intense liaison, sex was top draw, and we fell in love with each other - hard. This continued and all was good through 2009 and 2010. The first problem surfaced in early 2011 when she got badly injured in a sporting accident. This meant that we couldn’t see each other and she became a bit distant. I then heard some rumours (unsubstantiated) that she was/had been seeing another person from work, but she denied this when I asked her. Things didn’t get better and she initiated our first split in the summer, citing that she wanted to make a go of things with her husband. We stayed in touch during the split, and a few weeks later she let me know that she wanted us to get back together. I was more than happy with this, and in September we resumed the affair.

 

In October that year I asked her to leave her husband and come and live with me. She took some time to think about this, and in February 2012 made the call to stay with her husband. This led to me ending the relationship, however she chased, and in March we were back together – still on her terms.

 

We carried on through 2012. Things were good a lot of the time. I then went on holiday at xmas 2012 for 3 weeks, and when I returned went to her house that night. Out of left field she started making noises about us and not sure what she wanted. I had made my mind up whilst away that I wasn’t taking her crap this year and told her that. I asked if that’s what she wanted and when she said it was I got up and left. As far as I was concerned that was that. I was actually in quite a good place. I was refreshed and relaxed from my holiday, and knew that if we were going to split, this was the right time for me.

 

She then tried to contact me 5 or 6 times during January and February and I ignored – she had made her decision. She then sent me a text saying that she wanted us to meet up and have a normal relationship. Now this is what I had been waiting to hear for some years, so I agreed to meet her to talk. When we met she said that she had now separated from her husband and wanted us to have a normal exclusive relationship. I was of course more than happy to hear this and agreed. We agreed that we would start seeing each other in April once she was back from holiday.

 

Fast forward to April and bang! She says that she has in effect changed her mind about us, and now just wants to be friends! I then proceed to shout at her on the phone telling her that she cant treat people like this. She says that maybe she is a horrible person… That was how it was left, and we then got back in contact a couple of weeks later and agreed to meet up to discuss things. She now said that she would like us to start seeing each other again, but slowly as if we were starting again. I agreed, but after yet more rumours/intelligence about her flirting with other men, I decided that I had had enough and told her that I wasn’t going to start seeing her again. She said that she understood and wished me well. I then went on a short trip that she was supposed to be on with us and other friends, and proceeded to have a breakdown, not crying, I mean a real breakdown caused by the stress of it all (not fun I can assure you).

 

I then ask her if we can see each other again, and we agree to go a date in June. That went OK, but she then said a few days later that she had thought about us and just wanted to be friends. I then decided to challenge her about her behaviour this year, so we met and she explained that she didn’t feel she was ready for anything serious so soon after the end of her marriage. We then met us a number of times in July and August and started to get a bit closer again I guess with some kissing etc, but no sex. I went on holiday and met a girl in September – nothing serious, just a bit of fun.

 

All this then takes us to last Friday when we are at a work event together. She tells me that she is now seeing someone else from work, and they have been seeing each other since October. She said that she was meeting his kids at the weekend, sex was better with me, and seeing me was “different” as it was more edgy!! I was a bit stumped, but I said that if that was what she wanted, then I wished her well and hoped things work out – I mean, what else could I say????

 

So the question is, what to do now? My logic tells me to never speak to her again, but my heart is heavy. Some other things that may help in any advice you can give me:

 

1) I am 41, she is 47

2) We are both senior professional people – we don’t work at the same site

3) She is a massive manipulator and an even bigger liar, and has to have attention

4) I haven’t trusted her for over 2 years

5) She didn’t support me during a real crisis in my life, and was in fact quite dismissive of the issue

6) I used to be a super confident person, but now am nervy and quite needy where she is concerned – to the point where I don’t recognise the person I have become – she has drained the life out of me if I’m honest

7) I feel crap at the moment

8) I know this is a toxic person/relationship, yet would have happily stayed with her (what does that say about me)??

 

I’m disappointed that she didn’t give us a chance once she split from her husband and is now with someone else – that hurts – I keep asking myself what was wrong with me – she was always saying how much she enjoyed being around me. The thought of her with another guy also causes pain – I cant get the images out of my head . The past 3 years have honestly been the worst of my life. One thing I do want is to have a “normal” year next year without this constant stress and nervous energy.

 

My friend who has been advising me on this for the past 2 years (and has been pretty spot on so far) says this is the best news I could have had, and I should say good riddance and now move on as its final. He also advocates that I should email her husband (she is still married, but separated and has a great financial position with him which would change if he divorced now) and tell him all about the affair. His rationale is that her behaviour and treatment of me has been so appalling, sometimes there has to be a “leveller”, and it will absolutely kill anything in the future which I what I should aim for. I’m not sure about this approach as I don’t like telling tales (I knew what I was getting into after all), and see it as bad form. However I do understand what he is saying. What do you guys think??

 

So any advice massively appreciated guys on what to do next – thanks in advance

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Your friend is right. Stop wasting your life with this woman.

Your friend is wrong --- stay out of it w/ the husband. It would make you hypocritical at best --- and petty.

 

Thank you mhowe - very elouquently put. Would you be so good as to expand a little please i.e. your views on her behaviours please

 

Other ENAers - any comments welcome please. Thanks,

 

ISF

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I'm going to go on some things YOU said:

>> "I’m disappointed that she didn’t give us a chance once she split from her husband and is now with someone else – that hurts – I keep asking myself what was wrong with me – she was always saying how much she enjoyed being around me"

 

Now, lets look at fact #3,4 and 5.

>> "3) She is a massive manipulator and an even bigger liar, and has to have attention

4) I haven’t trusted her for over 2 years

5) She didn’t support me during a real crisis in my life, and was in fact quite dismissive of the issue"

 

So- I kinda wonder... WHY would you want someone like her in your life still.. with all of these facts?

Because YOU have been dragged emotionally for SO long, with yourself allowing it!

 

Once you come to terms with all you've admitted and how you're feeling now, as end result, you WILL want to work on 'accepting' this cannot and willnot work with HER.

That she is a write off- she's got issues and you've named them. With this much knowledge and experience I think, over time, once your emotions have calmed down, you WILL realize all the negatives of a women like this and be HAPPY with the fact that you are NO longer involved with it anymore!

 

Give it time to let it all sink in... you'll feel MANY emotions for a good while now. Hurt, lonely, anger, confusion etc.

But.. in time, I think you'll 'accept' what's happened and be able to move on, properly, again.

 

Am so glad you're out of it though. That kind of crap isn't good for one's heart or mind.

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Thanks for your feedback SooSad – much appreciated. My comments:

 

So- I kinda wonder... WHY would you want someone like her in your life still.. with all of these facts?

Because YOU have been dragged emotionally for SO long, with yourself allowing it!

 

Indeed, why do we want people like her in our life, and that’s the quandary isn’t it and why I am posting on this site and good people like you are helping!! You are of course spot on – I have been dragged along emotionally for such a period that I see that as normal. And why did I allow it?? Must be some inherent weakness in me that I need to deal with

 

Once you come to terms with all you've admitted and how you're feeling now, as end result, you WILL want to work on 'accepting' this cannot and willnot work with HER.

That she is a write off- she's got issues and you've named them. With this much knowledge and experience I think, over time, once your emotions have calmed down, you WILL realize all the negatives of a women like this and be HAPPY with the fact that you are NO longer involved with it anymore!

 

I hope you are right on the above – like the write off line!!

 

Give it time to let it all sink in... you'll feel MANY emotions for a good while now. Hurt, lonely, anger, confusion etc.

But.. in time, I think you'll 'accept' what's happened and be able to move on, properly, again.

 

Again, I hope your right, I just wonder how long “in time” is?? Impossible to answer of course….

 

I think the hardest thing in struggling with is the thought of them 2 together, how they met etc. Torturing myself I hear you say? Of course, but how to stop? If I could crack that I believe I would be a long way there. I guess I’m also consumed with the usual thoughts - they must be having the most magical relationship ever, why was he better than me etc?? Any advice how to deal with these thoughts please? Thanks,

 

ISF

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She will treat him just as she treated you. She won't change. So stop pretending she just morphed into the perfect woman --- because she didn't.

He isn't better than you --- he is just the next "you". And there will be another "next".

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She will treat him just as she treated you. She won't change. So stop pretending she just morphed into the perfect woman --- because she didn't.

He isn't better than you --- he is just the next "you". And there will be another "next".

 

 

Thanks mhowe. Just a couple of questions please – and I think I know the answers (you know how it is.. 

 

Would there be any point in asking her what was wrong with me and why she didn’t give us a chance once she separated, or is that completely pointless?

 

I presume that you are advocating that I never speak to her again, unless in a professional capacity?

 

Many thanks, ISF

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Thanks mhowe. Just a couple of questions please – and I think I know the answers (you know how it is.. 

 

Would there be any point in asking her what was wrong with me and why she didn’t give us a chance once she separated, or is that completely pointless?

 

I presume that you are advocating that I never speak to her again, unless in a professional capacity?

 

Many thanks, ISF

 

Completely and utterly pointless. What makes you think she would tell you the truth --- or that she even knows.

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Completely and utterly pointless. What makes you think she would tell you the truth --- or that she even knows.

 

Thanks mhowe - advice noted and taken on board. There will be no contact going forward, unless in a professional capacity.

 

On a positive note, I actually dont feel too bad. Off on holiday for 4 weeks to Australia, so hope to come back from that in a new place..

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Update – not having a good day today. Stumbled on an old email that she sent me when all was good – has taken me to not a good place. I am now thinking of sending her that email with some words how difficult it all is, how I miss those happy days, how good things were blah, blah, blah... Now I do know that this is not really a good idea (really, I do), but guess I need to hear that from you guys… So tell me guys – not a good move – right!!??????

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Update 2 - after telling me last week she is now seeing someone, she then drops me a text yesterday telling me she didnt get a job that she went for!! Now why would she so that, after all new guy is there for that??

 

Any views on a response (or if indeed there should be one). Thanks as ever.

 

ISF

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New guy knows. She is keeping you in the loop incase new guy doesn't work out. You are backup plan A.

 

No communication. Block her texts so you don't know. Go to Oz and start day 1 of your new life.

Unless you new life makes you want to be someone's back up.

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New guy knows. She is keeping you in the loop incase new guy doesn't work out. You are backup plan A.

 

No communication. Block her texts so you don't know. Go to Oz and start day 1 of your new life.

Unless you new life makes you want to be someone's back up.

 

Mhowe pls reply to me on my post , i am new to this , pls help me out , my post is "my ex left me cold"

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Honey, you aren't listening.

 

No replies. Silence is the best answer. Any answer will spark another tidbit --- like why? can't we be friends? you are so mean? I miss you.

 

Just get on with your life. And block her so you are not tempted when I am not around!!!

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Thanks mhowe - usual sound advice! By further way of an update, I got some good news yesterday that I will be promoted in January Given that she told me she had not got the job she went for, I am toying with the idea of droping her a line letting her know my news.

 

mhowe - your views as ever appreciated please. I guess it would be nice to let her know this (could be seen as oneupmanship), or should I continue with saying nothing and get on with it??? Thanks as ever.

 

ISF

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Thanks mhowe - usual sound advice! By further way of an update, I got some good news yesterday that I will be promoted in January Given that she told me she had not got the job she went for, I am toying with the idea of droping her a line letting her know my news.

 

mhowe - your views as ever appreciated please. I guess it would be nice to let her know this (could be seen as oneupmanship), or should I continue with saying nothing and get on with it??? Thanks as ever.

 

ISF

 

mhowe (or any of you good people), any views on my obvioulsly insane suggestion?? Thanks

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  • 3 weeks later...

Update 3 - Hope you all had a good xmas. Got a text from her yesterday saying she hoped I was having a good holiday blah blah - that was first time in a month - I didnt wish her merry xmas etc. I have not replied yet, but am tempted to reply with just a simple "thanks". Any views - should I just ignore??? Thanks

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