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silversoul

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I'm past 20 days since my break up and it is day 8 of NC. I decided to document my feelings and reflections so I can learn from my situation and look back to these entries in the future.

 

There is not a single minute when I'm awake that I don't think about him, I'm used to living with this now; having him constantly on my mind. Don't think I've accepted the idea that we won't see each other or talk again, but I've accepted that our old relationship has ended. The world just doesn't make sense if we don't get to talk again. I know the way he cut things he demonstrated that he wants nothing to do with me. But time changes everything, I can only hope the time will make him change his mind. Time is my friend. I think it would be great if we both change into better people, do things we wanted to do and meet someday. I just hope you don't change so much that you won't like to see me again. But I can't control you now. That was my mistake - my controlling ways. It is amazing that I didn't even realize the way I was. I really don't want to be like this, not with you, not with anyone else. So I'm not gonna think what you are doing, who you are planning to see, who you are talking to, who you are hanging out with because it is a way of still trying to control you. You are your own person, you should be able to do anything you want. You don't owe anything to me especially now that you've decided you don't need me anymore. I hope you are able to see the good I gave you and the bad, with time, me being respectful to your decision by not contacting you, will fade away so you can fully forgive. I'm not sure how I feel about the way you treated me, it is too overwhelming to think about it now. I just want to sleep all day long, but I can't. I wish it was summer, are breakups easier when it is warm and sunny?

 

I always thought you loved me a lot. I know you did, but may be it was not on the same level as mine? I don't know, I'll never know. It is hard to accept you has changed and you don't want me anymore. It feels like violation of law of physics because I felt our connection was so strong.

 

I think now I'm at the depressed/isolate stage, I know I will get through this, but today I just want to stay inside and not talk or see anyone. At least now, I don't take things for granted. I reconnected with an old friend who I stopped talking to when I met you. It felt good to say sorry and decide to be friends again. I can't wait for the day when I don't feel like I'm living in some kind of dream, I want to be my old self, even the one I was before I met you. I was naive but I was kind and hopeful. I had a moment of epiphany when I realized I was not the best when I was with you. It is funny, because I always thought you made me better. But I guess it has nothing to do with you, just being in relationship I got really comfortable and my ugly thoughts proliferated: I was jealous, emotional, moody, not treasuring friendships, hating on other people. I don't blame you for falling out of love with me. You leaving me may potentially make me better than you being with me.

 

I love you, I hope/pray you are doing fine and all the other ones I love, you all deserve the best.

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Today I had a third conversation with my counselor. She is really nice and so caring to me. Right now I'm crying because I'm hurt so much, I want to scream but don't want to disturb the neighbor. It is so hurtful that all my love and devotion meant nothing to him, so hurtful that decided he can do better without me. I got really upset because he is listening to music with her almost every day and they are talking everyday. Someone who he even has not met can talk to him, while I'm just thrown out. It hurts to know that they are getting closer, while our relationship is just a memory now. I think in the future when I realize how f### badly he treated me, I just won't even think a second about him. I don't want to be haunted by this hurt. I don't want to be sad because of how cruelly my first relationship ended. I don't want to become a downer. I regret loving him so much, he clearly is not able to appreciate. I will do anything not to be in a relationship like this again. I realize how important distance is. I want to be loved equally, I want to be taken care of. I should not be the only one giving, I should not put myself down for others, I should know my worth and respect myself because I'm a nice and kind person. I don't want to cause anyone any pain.

 

My counselor is negative of him, it felt wrong but probably she is right about him: he is dismissive and self-centered and immature. I should not put him on a pedestal. I made my mistakes too, but it was him who treated me so cruelly and left me alone. She has even said that I will get better in my relationships while he will be stuck on that level. I don't care. I don't need a person who can't appreciate genuine love and care

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Affirmations

 

When I’m feeling anxious, insecure, and upset, I’m experiencing a drop in my brain’s dopamine and serotonin levels. These drops undermine my feelings of optimism and confidence, and drive me to seek out the false reward of reassurance and closeness with my ex-lover.

 

I shall boost my confidence and restore calm by remembering the following:

 

My distress is a result of brain chemistry and I’m not crazy. Just temporarily off balance.

My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or what he’s thinking or feeling.

Just because he broke up with me doesn’t mean that what we had wasn’t real. It’s simply not real any more.

I shall respectfully honor his request for space.

Seeking contact (stalking, pleading) does not bring relief, it only brings shame.

Instead of thinking, I have to get him to tell me the truth, change his mind, stop cheating, etc., I shall stop caring what he does or how he feels.

It is a mistake to heed the voice inside my head that urges me to seek him out. That voice comes from pain, insecurity, and fear and is not the BEST me.

When that voice is triggered, I shall turn toward myself or a good friend for reassurance, not him.

When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinking I have to see him and recapture what was, I shall think, Oh, look at that. I’m having an anxious moment. This too shall pass. Also try unfurrowing your brow. A calm face leads to a calm mind.

When triggered, I shall give myself a 90-second timeout for my physiology to calm down—and I shall not renew my distress by focusing on what’s upsetting to me.

I shall not measure my worth by his attitude toward me. His attitude is a reflection on him, not me.

He’s just not that into me, and I shall spend my time with people who appreciate me. Life is too short to do otherwise.

Distance from him is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, it’s like picking off a scab and making it bleed. I’m only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely.

I shall not justify seeking closeness as an attempt to keep my lover as a friend. I cannot afford a friendship until I’m completely over him and no longer even remotely triggered. And it’s okay if we don’t remain friends. Moving on is a sign of personal growth.

It’s okay for me to feel sad that this relationship has ended. As I grieve, I am moving toward healing.

I am a growing, changing person and can learn from this experience.

I shall take the high road and behave in ways that have dignity and restore my self-respect.

I shall do what nurtures my health and wholeness. (Natural serotonin and dopamine boosters include physical activity, sunshine on my skin, smiling, and good nutrition including plenty of protein, vegetables, B vitamins, and bananas.)

When I take care of myself, I feel confident, optimistic, attractive, and authentic.

The more I behave like a sane person, the more I’ll feel like a sane person.

To resist focusing on a dead relationship, I shall focus on living my BEST life.

I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me.

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My counselor told me that you have to get to learn at least 20 people really well until you find the proper partner for you. Though I'm not ready for a relationship right now I should work on my social connections - meet new people, talk, communicate, I should develop new friendships and relationships. Today I was woken up by a call from S. It was nice to get a call when I'm going through this. I should not stop talking to him just because I can't see him as a possible romantic partner. That's one mistake of mine - seeing every guy that gets in touch as a possible boyfriend and rejecting him if I don't like him. No wonder I feel lonely and isolated. I can learn from any person, it is really nice when someone reaches out and I should learn to appreciate it. I should chill and just be friendly, have lots of people in my life. I'm still very young and I can work on making life easier and better for myself

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The things detiorated very badly this week - I was thrown back to the beginning and feel awful close to suicidal again. He unblocked me on FB, so that gave me a lot of emotions. I really tried not to message him, but knowing his personality I knew that was an invitation from him to message him. Why didn't you leave me alone, why did you unblock me? I was trying to move on.

 

I messaged him and I could see how different it is, it made me reallyy anxious and emotional talking to him. But also happy in a weird way. I know it is masochism and I should care of myself. The next day I was so agitated and messaged him again - this time he was really cold and I was analysing every message, thinking of teh ways to make him want to talk to me more. I asked him for a Skype call - he agreed. It hurt to see him being still the same when so much bad occurred between us. Like in that National song Hard to Find he is always gonna be so young and beautiful to me. He was upset because he maybe finally saw how much I was hurt, but he chooses the easiest way for himself - forget about me because he feels guilty. It hurts. Today I told him, I don't want to talk again, he agreed. I know it is for the best, I was starting to feel better when he unblocked me on FB. I need time, but I will get better. Now it is time to for me to concentrate on my life. It is so nice that I have so many people who love me. I should be grateful for what I have. not long for someone who doesn't need me. I pray I emerge a better person out of this situation. Things will get better and I will be happy again if I let myself heal. Tomorrow I'm going to my little cousins' birthday party and I will connect with all my relatives on a deeper level. Today was so good too. My aunt really loves me, it was so nice being cared about by her. And I can get hugs from mum everyday. I should learn to be happy on my own, never again I will put myself in such a vulnerable situtuion when all my happiness depends on one person. To the people reading this, I hope you and I get better. We will get better if we choose to.

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Do you feel a strong emotional “attachment” to your ex, but you don’t understand why? Are you finding that you are having difficulty letting go of your relationship because your ex provided you with stability and comfort? After the dust has settled, you now begin to see things in a new perspective that your love for your ex blinded you from. So how do you break your emotional dependency on your ex?

 

Well, first, you must understand why you are dependent on your ex in the first place. Often, you became dependent on your ex to fill a void in your life that was most likely created during childhood. You allowed other people to define your self worth. When you met your former lover, they probably made you actually begin to feel worthy of receiving love. Probably for the first time in your life, you started to feel like you were valuable and appreciated.

 

Often, we become dependent on our lover based on the emotional needs that they fulfill. We rely on our partners to provide us with those “feel-good” feelings. Slowly, over time, we make them totally responsible for giving us that feeling all of the time. When they give us the attention that we crave, they provide us with feelings of love and approval. They make us fell worthy and safe. However, when the relationship sours, the attention stops and our self worth starts to diminish. It was unfair of us to make them responsible for how we felt every moment of everyday. This is why most relationships end in a “lose-lose” situation.

 

But there is hope. You can break your emotional dependency on your ex. You must first want to do so. You have to realize that this attachment is harmful to healing your heartbreak as well as your whole wellbeing.

 

Here are three major actions that you can start to take today to break your emotional dependency on your ex:

 

Learn how to be responsible for your own emotions. You are the only one who has control over how you feel at any particular moment. No one can make you happy or sad. You decide how their actions affect you. You must become responsible for how you react to others emotionally. Take control of your entire emotional system now or you will continue to be a slave to it for the rest of your life.

Learn what your emotional needs are and learn how to give yourself what you expected your ex to give you instead. If you expected your ex to give you love and attention, give love and attention to yourself. You will find that you are more fulfilled when you provide yourself with the things that you think you are lacking.

Define your own self worth and don’t let other people dictate what your worth is no matter how much you love them. You are the only one who knows really how valuable you are. Start to appreciate all of the good qualities that you possess and let no one determine or undermine your self worth. Period! When you let other people define who you are and what you are worth, you give away your power and allow them to walk all over you. You are not a doormat, so stop acting like one.

 

 

I hope these tidbits help you understand your emotional dependency on your ex and how you need to break this powerful bond that weakens your inner strength now so that you can begin to heal your heartbreak. You don’t need to take on each action all at once. Do what you can each day and eventually you will cut through that rope that ties you to your ex emotionally like a chainsaw.

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I just read this and this is just what I needed. I'm gonna take day by day: P=Patience for Progress

 

I want you to be very gentle with yourself during this process. And with that, I want you to be patient with your progress. We live in an instant gratification society. Everyone wants everything now, if not yesterday. I know, you want to be over your break up and heartbreak, however, when you rush yourself, there is a tendency to overlook truly taking care of yourself.

 

Evaluate your progress day by day. Congratulate yourself whenever you take a step in the right direction. But, don’t beat yourself up if you fall off track. Acknowledge that you’ve made a small misstep and get back on track. Everything positive act counts ten times more than any mistake that you may make

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Today is a new day, it has snowed and it is really nice, I'm gonna do some work now. It is the first day that I can use to get further and further from him and this situation, and how good and proud will I feel when I have more and more days in which I didn't let him affect him. It is really in my control to make myself feel better and heal, it just takes so much determination, so much will. But how good it will be when I have first three days without him, then a week, then 30 days, then several months until I'm healed and a whole person again. I should not be scared and should just live my life. All will be good, sending positivity to everyone reading this. Gonna go and give my mum a hug.

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I've not looked him up yesterday and I'm proud of myself, I know I can do it - being home, among the people who love me is so much easier not to stalk him online. One thing that hurts is that how easily he chose to cut me out of his life and categorize as an ex. It is really hard to describe this feeling, it is him being so selfish, it is like he sees his life from how other people might see it, and I'm so easily seen as an ex, not as a girl who loved so much and was so special at one point. but I've felt so much pain and he will never be able to get it. But that's not important. I'm learning to live and be happy on my own. I'm learning to take control of my emotions. It is a stupid idea that one cannot be happy on his own, it is sad to acknowledge that all my young years I've been sitting waiting longing for someone to come and make me happy. Instead of going out in the world, engaging with it and making myself happy. It is really good though that I know it now. One must go out and enjoy his life. And he should not be sad that he can't share it with anyone. When I was young I did things but I realise I've not been happy doing them cause I always longed for that one person to make me complete. I'm complete. It is so overwhelming to realise this now that I'm gonna say it again: I'm complete. I relied on my ex to make me happy, when I should have made myself happy. I've tried to please and make himslef happy instead of making myself happy. God, I might even have been worried if I'm happy and he's not, and thus I should not be happy. But he despite his mental illness thought highly of himself, he was his own person, he did things to make himself happy, he cared enough for himself to end this relationship. I'm just realisng this as I'm typing this but in this relationship, where we were thinking I'm strong and able, he was the one strong and able even with his mental illness, whereas I was just not loving myself so badly, it hurts to realise. I don't ever want to be so needy and make one person responsible for my feel-good fix. I will live the life I want and not make one person the centre of my being. I wish him all the best, I hope he will get better, without me he said he has less pressure of someone reliyng on him. I just don't want to know about his life (of course a part of me wants and wants to stalk). I don't want to become a version of Gatsby but I know I won't, I'm young and we are not living in movies. Life is not so dramatic, I will get better. Don't know if the dull pain will disappear. But here I'm making a mistake, I should not think about the future. I should take day by day

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Two days of not looking him up. Feels good to know I can do this and more. How cool would it be to spend next 2014 year with no contacting him at all, not looking him up at all. Again a mistake of looking too far in the future, I must take day by day not to act and ruin my chances of progress and healing. In the end, he chose to leave, he made this incredible and impossible desicion of leaving our relationship. My mind can't comprehend it. Just means he did what is the best for him, he didn't love me anough to be with me, as hard as it is to admit I most likely had deeper feelings for him. He just didn't love me as much. That's it. Whatever the reasons he is giving to me, it all boils down to the fact that he didn't love me in the end. It is impossible to leave when you love someone. But I have no regrets, I loved so deeply and so generously. It is his loss that every day I'm caring less and less about him until the day I'm completely over him. He is never again going to receive my deep love and care for him, my affection, my smiles for him, my words for him, my thoughts of him. Doesn't this make his heart ache? It is all precious, and he is never going to get it and it is his loss. I think in the end, I'm in the better position because I did no wrong, I was just loving and so deeply loving. No regrets on my part and nothing to feel sorry about on my part. Of course I acknowledge my mistakes, and I've learned a lot but it was him who decided to end it for good without trying to fix it. I know I'm capable of loving so much, but I'll be careful now with choosing who I give it to. I won't go for unavailable men because I'm going to appreaciate myself and respect myself now. It doesn't bother me if I find love or not, now or in five years time because I'm learning to be happy on my own. I'm young, beautiful, smart, kind, have good perspectives in terms of work, I'm learning more about relationships and being a better person. I'm learning how to deal with my emotions. I just really need to build a better social network, develop more hobbies and interests and just be happy. I knew this years ago, when I just started uni, I was just not strong enough to do that at the time. Now I'm strong and confident and capable of doing whatever I want. I really loved this quote from user AutumnBorn and it is the same kind of thing I was told in private messaging with a nice lady from this forum:

 

Happiness isn't that hard to acquire. Become more engaged with your life. Start to do what motivates you, brings you joy, makes you more interesting, gives back to your community, enriches your life. You may not be happy in every respect, like your emotional life, but iyou can bring more joy into all the other areas. Love is just one aspect of our lives. Why do we let it take over every aspect?

 

This is so true.

I think I need to take a break from Enotalone, to detach and distract myself a bit, have some fun and create new memories. This is day 3 of NC and I will post here when I'm past 7 days of NC. Now I'm gonna do some exercising and then gonna have a nice bath. Hope anyone reading this is doing fine, sending smiles to ya all

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ok, I panicked and looked him up. Didn't make me emotional or anything, more annoyed at myself for doing that. He clearly doesn't love me. Stop thinking about different scenarious. You need to get stronger, don't think about the future, take day by day. If you want, you may contact him when you are stronger, if you still want that in the future. For now focus on the present. Take care of yourself, you deserve it. Good to know that looking him up didn't do me much, but I should not let this turn into a habit. Eventually there may be something which will hurt me crazy and I need not to know it. I just don't want to know anything about him, I made things so much easier for him by deleting all my social media, why do I let myself be affected by his stupid blog and music profile. F...k that. I deserve better

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I just read this and this is just what I needed. I'm gonna take day by day: P=Patience for Progress

 

I want you to be very gentle with yourself during this process. And with that, I want you to be patient with your progress. We live in an instant gratification society. Everyone wants everything now, if not yesterday. I know, you want to be over your break up and heartbreak, however, when you rush yourself, there is a tendency to overlook truly taking care of yourself.

 

Evaluate your progress day by day. Congratulate yourself whenever you take a step in the right direction. But, don’t beat yourself up if you fall off track. Acknowledge that you’ve made a small misstep and get back on track. Everything positive act counts ten times more than any mistake that you may make

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I just felt so agitated, tense, mad, angry. Are you really not loyal and devoted like I thought you were? I worry about you hanging out with her, I shouldn't though - what we had was strong and good, you too can't forget me so quickly. I will go and read two self-help books I downloaded. I just feel exhausted and bummed out.

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My mistakes:

- I was overly jealous

- I put your needs, feelings and wishes first

- I said some bad things to make you want me and come to me

- I didn't take care of myself, I was not happy and I made you the sole reason for my happiness

 

You:

- Didn't make an effort to see me in the later months, you only came when you had something else going for you in the town

- You never made any effort to make me feel excited, loved or cared for. You only did something when I asked your help, but you never took an initiative

- I always planned things having us two in mind, while for you the focus was always on you and your needs, your wishes

- You didn't tell me about your problems, can't believe you posted that on tumblr instead of discussing it with me

- You never was excited about going out with me,you never were excited when I suggested trips, we never went to that park yet you agreed to spend 7 days with a girl you haven't even met yet. I feel so hurt typing this, it is crazy

- You lack integrity, devotion and loyalty.I really thought you had all this. It is such a turn off for me.This will help me to move on. You are not loyal and you are not capable of commitment. From now on BH albums are no longer about you, you are not worth something so beautiful like their album 'Devotion'. Oh how I hope I'll meet someone as loyal as me.

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I'm so shocked, it may be the case that my ex is a narcissist. I've just been reading about it and it reminds me of my relationship, his constant need for approval, sending me pics, needing compliments from me, while rarely giving them to be. . I need to discuss this with my therapist when I see her. From Wikipedia:

 

the narcissist has an overpowering need to feel important and special, and the co-dependent has a strong need to help others feel that way. ... The narcissist overdoes self-caring and demands it from others, while the co-dependent underdoes or may even do almost no self-caring

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