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Will friends w/ benefits get you by?


sleepingdonut

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I posted this in the Love & Soulmate forum because that is my end goal. And I really don't want to compromise that goal, thus anything I ask or say here should be read with my long term goal in mind.

 

While I'd love to have the company and shared life with that one right person, I feel a real relationship would only end in catastrophe for me at this point. I've yet to be able to find any occupation I love (or can really tolerate for too long), and I still have some personal issues (self-esteem and such) that I'm working on. I don't see myself being able to handle a long-term relationship until I fix those things. But at the same time, being single is lonely, and every now and then it seems like it would be nice to just have some physical affection, someone to cuddle with, to talk to, even to have sex with. I wouldn't want a purely physical connection, but something more along the lines of true friends who can also be physical with each other from time to time.

 

My question is can such an arrangement be helpful and healthy? Has anyone tried it and found that it got them by till the right person came along? Did it backfire? Can it damage the long term goal?

 

In the movie The Notebook, Noah spent time with a widow, who was essentially his friend with benefits, and the movie presented it as all going smooth, including the transition when Allie returned. But of course that's just a movie. Can it work that way?

 

I'm just tired of being alone. But I know I'm not a whole person yet and a real relationship would only be destructive for me.

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Most people discover that FWB is not as effortless and easy as they think. One reason is that sex can stimulate bonding hormones, especially in women, and they may start to bond wtih the person while the other person's feelings are not the same, and then you end up with all the messy feelings of a relationship by falling in love with a person who really wasn't ever interested in a 'real' relationship with you to begin with.

 

If you want to put effort into something, why not put it into working on your issues that prevent you looking for a real relationship rather than a pseduo relationship. A FWB relationship can actually make you feel more alone than you would by on your own, because you can end up feeling empty because the relationship is missing something or angry that the other person isn't really committed to you or not there for you when you need him because he didn't sign up for that, and he's instead only showing up for sex. A lot of people end up feeling used when they get into FWB situations, like they're nothing more than a free hooker in the end.

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True friends, cuddling, physical intimacy, sex, talking, hanging out together - that's the definition of a relationship. It's not an fwb. You basically want a full out relationship, just want an easy out of it because of some hang ups in your mind that your life has to be a certain way for you to have a "real" relationship. That's not fair to anyone who would be willing to get involved with you on that level. If you want a relationship, then seek it or at least be open to it even as you work away at your challenges. There is no law that says you have to be perfect for someone to accept you and love you.

 

FWB is all about no strings attached physical. I feel like sex, I call you, when satisfied, I leave and don't think about you again until next time. In reality, we are not really friends and it's not really about friendship, it's pretty much about the benefits.

 

For most part, it inevitably backfires for most people, because one person will develop feelings, get emotionally attached and want more while other doesn't want anything more and never will. So it usually turns into a mess where one person gets hurt badly.

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I wouldn't want a purely physical connection, but something more along the lines of true friends who can also be physical with each other from time to time.

 

That is dating someone, it is definitely NOT a FWB.

 

FWB is more like a business contract. You go in, do the business, get dressed, and go. End of. Anything more, like talking while laying in each others arms afterwards is where people start to fall into the trap of one person having feelings for the other and usually ends with that person hurt or feeling used.

 

I'm just tired of being alone. But I know I'm not a whole person yet and a real relationship would only be destructive for me.

 

At this point I think that starting a FWB with someone would be just as destructive. Wait until you are more secure inside yourself and start dating, which ultimately is what you want.

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A FWB relationship can actually make you feel more alone than you would by on your own, because you can end up feeling empty because the relationship is missing something or angry that the other person isn't really committed to you or not there for you when you need him because he didn't sign up for that, and he's instead only showing up for sex.

 

That seems like a good point.

 

True friends, cuddling, physical intimacy, sex, talking, hanging out together - that's the definition of a relationship. It's not an fwb. You basically want a full out relationship, just want an easy out of it because of some hang ups in your mind that your life has to be a certain way for you to have a "real" relationship. That's not fair to anyone who would be willing to get involved with you on that level.

 

I don't think it would be unfair if the other person had the same ideas in mind. I've definitely noticed a gender bias in discussions of FWB relationships, where it's always the guy who must be at fault of any hurt feelings or misinterpreted intentions. Women are adults, too, and they can use someone just as easily (if not more so). I'm only looking for someone on the same page.

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At this point I think that starting a FWB with someone would be just as destructive. Wait until you are more secure inside yourself and start dating, which ultimately is what you want.

 

This seems ideal. But how does a person cope with the loneliness in the mean time? I rarely even touch another person, and it doesn't feel healthy to live like this.

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I don't think it would be unfair if the other person had the same ideas in mind. I've definitely noticed a gender bias in discussions of FWB relationships, where it's always the guy who must be at fault of any hurt feelings or misinterpreted intentions. Women are adults, too, and they can use someone just as easily (if not more so). I'm only looking for someone on the same page.

 

Who gets attached is gender neutral - don't stereotype. The point is that what you want is not an FWB, but a relationship, a true full out relationship and there is nothing wrong with that. Your life doesn't need to be perfect for that to happen.

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The point is that what you want is not an FWB, but a relationship, a true full out relationship and there is nothing wrong with that. Your life doesn't need to be perfect for that to happen.

 

Perfect, perhaps not. But at a certain level of functionality, I think. Just look at all the failed relationships in the world (plenty of evidence on this forum)--broken people trying to make intimacy work when they have yet to fix themselves. I think there exists an ideal that people really want to believe in, that is, that two broken people can make a relationship work and live happily ever after. And a lot of people will argue it's possible. But then why does all the actual evidence speak to the contrary?

 

Also, if anyone has any answers to post #7, I'm really interested in hearing.

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If your end goal is love, concentrate on that. FWBs usually become placeholders and actually suck up your time. Time that you could have used to improve yourself or find a good partner is wasted with a FWB. I know you are lonely but you have far better uses of your time. FWBs could actually increase the time you are single because your effort and Time is divided.

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If your end goal is love, concentrate on that. FWBs usually become placeholders and actually suck up your time. Time that you could have used to improve yourself or find a good partner is wasted with a FWB. I know you are lonely but you have far better uses of your time. FWBs could actually increase the time you are single because your effort and Time is divided.

 

This is true. I wish I had the self-discipline of Dantes from The Count of Monte Cristo. Imagine keeping oneself motivated all those years to learn and improve, all while in the lonely and bleak confines of a prison.

 

I can walk outside anytime I like and inhale the fresh air. Yet I still have trouble snapping myself out of this mental and emotional rut.

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