I've had a massive crash since I got closure. Is this normal

[doingitmyway]

For the last year, I found my ex lead me on, lied to me, used me as a platform and stabbed me in the back. They lied about why we broke up and they still think we can be best friends. For the last 10 months, she started prying into my sex life and making me think she wanted me back, only to find out last month she was just messing with me. She's used depression as a shield for her behaviour and has said 'if you were a true friend, you'd accept what I'd done and respond accordingly by trusting me.' That doesn't cut it with me, so I sent her a letter saying I'm not going to be friends but I wish her the best. She has to bare in mind that since I've known her, all she does is complain about being used and betrayed and now I have lost all respect for her since she has behaved like everything she claims to despise. I've moved out of our student house together.

 

I spent this period seeing a life coach, trying to realize I couldnt have done anything more for the girl. Hell, I spent our time as friends feeding her and taking her to lectures because she was to miserable to even eat or get out of bed. I did so much for her and I've finally realized I didnt deserve that. Still hurts like a ***** though. I'm a lot better now, but by no means perfect. Is this sort of thing normal

 

1. Sleeping, very heavily

2. Feeling a bit weak, migraines

3. Some trembling

4. Change in appetite and stool as well.

5. Strong feelings of inner peace and that there's no going back.

6. A desire to be alone for now, get myself back together and find someone new later.

 

My attitude to relationships has changed a lot now too. I'm still young (22) and while I'm not up for loads of one night stands, I'm less interested in love and more in sex now. I used to not feel sexual things for people, then I lost my virginity back a year ago and I feel for now I want to explore that side a bit more, and if someone special comes along, go from there.

 

I feel I've learnt a lot from this relationship, but the first thing I can say is, for the first time in six years, I feel proud, and that I have self respect again. I'm cutting out being a people pleaser, I just want to be happy and independent of the whims and wants of other people. I guess I spent so much time looking after her I lost myself. I'm finding I have a long list of new things I want to try for hobbies and places to go.

 

I think I'm healing, not sure

[Ms Darcy]

You fed her? That is beyond people pleasing ... that is doormat territory. Be aware of where attraction often comes from ... independence, confidence, strength. If you are not able to put your foot down and walk away from someone who is not treating you well then most likely they will start to lose respect for you.

 

I would also say you should see your your doctor for your physical symptoms.

 

You are indeed young but do not mistake becoming a player as healing. It actually shows that you are so hurt that you are becoming emotionally unavailable. Rather best to fully heal and not put all blame in her. Blame makes it easier to blame all women. Good luck.

[FitnessMan]

Dude I'm 21 and had similar experiences.

 

My girlfriend died the day before my birthday in a car crash with 3 other girls coming back from an afternoon shopping for my birthday.

A year later in college, the voted best looking girl in college asked me out, though it was all unofficial and I was still very much in the effects of the previous year. To my amazement, she was into drugs with some idiot girl I've known since primary school so I was forever getting her from night clubs and dragging her back home, had all the abuse whilst she was under the effects and everything. Her friends really held me in high regard for what I did for her. Then she goes and cheats in a club with some guy that fancied her for years, which her friend who was with her told me about. This goes on for months until he, or 1 of his slag on-the-side girls sends her a letter pretending to be me, going into detail about stuff I have no idea about. So it broke off very violently and the day before my 18th birthday I end up getting beaten up by about 8 lads with knuckle dusters, spades and the like.

 

Half a year after that there's another girl who had a lesbian friend. Long story short the lesbian friend found out that we were about to make things official so she made the most outlandish story I've ever heard. Anyways she believed her and didn't talk to me for over a month. They had a fight and she contacted me and I told her what really happened, then she wouldn't confront the other lesbian friend in case she'd lose her friendship. So after half a year of trying to sort things out with them, it was going nowhere so I left them all.

 

 

Now I've got into pickup, I'm pritty good myself but I think I only got into it to fill a void. I regularly thing about having a relationship but the above is my experience of relationships and because of that, I am exceptionally fearful of a relationship. I think I'll be 1 of those people who come close all the time but then someone gets jealous and messes it all up and I'm there trying to pick up the pieces.

Been a long time since I've been truly happy, I just put on a smile, got rather good at it.

[doingitmyway]

You fed her? That is beyond people pleasing ... that is doormat territory. Be aware of where attraction often comes from ... independence, confidence, strength. If you are not able to put your foot down and walk away from someone who is not treating you well then most likely they will start to lose respect for you.

 

I would also say you should see your your doctor for your physical symptoms.

 

You are indeed young but do not mistake becoming a player as healing. It actually shows that you are so hurt that you are becoming emotionally unavailable. Rather best to fully heal and not put all blame in her. Blame makes it easier to blame all women. Good luck.

 

I think you misread what I said.

 

1. I have now walked away from her. I fed her because she'd starve herself out of depression, but now I, leaving her alone because she treats me like crap.

 

2. Nobody mentioned being a player. A player is someone who uses people, I'm just not looking for a serious love relationship. Just something casual where I can also have that fun. As long as I tell them that first and both parties are aware and accept, theres no problem.

 

3. I never said anything about 'blaming women' either. It's one unpleasant person, I know that much. You've taken much of what I said and spun it into something I never implied.

[ChilliRed2013]

Doingitmyway

 

In the 1st post.I like points 5 and 6... they are signs that you reaching acceptance. You're young, so focus on those, be yourself for a couple of months and get used to feeling good, then get get back out there and date! Safely

You have the right idea about being honest re: what you are looking for...

 

But who knows? One of these future casual dating partners may turn out to be an awesome match for you.

[Ms Darcy]

1. I have now walked away from her. I fed her because she'd starve herself out of depression, but now I, leaving her alone because she treats me like crap.

 

2. Nobody mentioned being a player. A player is someone who uses people, I'm just not looking for a serious love relationship. Just something casual where I can also have that fun. As long as I tell them that first and both parties are aware and accept, theres no problem.

 

3. I never said anything about 'blaming women' either. It's one unpleasant person, I know that much. You've taken much of what I said and spun it into something I never implied.

 

I think you're a bit defensive about feedback.

 

Saying feeding her wasn't good doesn't negate that you have walked away. I am just not sure you realize how unhealthy your own actions were as well. It usually takes two to create an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship.

 

You are the one who said: "I'm less interested in love and more in sex now." It's reasonable to caution you to move against becoming a player with that mindset. And it was also a caution not to struggle in relations with women in general.

 

Relax man.

[doingitmyway]

I think you're a bit defensive about feedback.

 

Saying feeding her wasn't good doesn't negate that you have walked away. I am just not sure you realize how unhealthy your own actions were as well. It usually takes two to create an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship.

 

You are the one who said: "I'm less interested in love and more in sex now." It's reasonable to caution you to move against becoming a player with that mindset. And it was also a caution not to struggle in relations with women in general.

 

Relax man.

 

Perhaps its because tone doesn't convey well in text online. The player label typically comes of a bit strong. Players last I check are users and typically dont make their partners aware that there are other people, or that they arent taking the intimacy as seriously as they lead people to believe. The main difference here is, say someone did want sex, an open relationship, whatever. I'd just be 'yeah cool, just lets not get wrapped up in this.' I've got no interest in hurting someone deliberately (especially after how I just got treated). Of course that all depends on if a girl comes along who I taken a liking to enough to feel that way about.

 

I'm really not looking for my life partner at this point, she'll come along on her own accord. For now I've got a lot to do in terms of living my own life.

 

I have to agree, I feel quite down on myself for helping turn that past relationship into what it had become.