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The mother of my son is messaging another guy


LondonD

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We have known each other for 5 years and have been together for three years. We have a two year old son who I love dearly.

 

She is a medical student and recently got relocated from London to Leeds, I joined my family as I knew if I didn't the relationship would not have lasted.

 

I'm a very strong willed man and have been successful in my career. I can be selfish and protect myself by not showing how I feel.

 

Our relationship has been on the rocks for around a year and neither of us have been happy. We would break up and then get back together. I haven't been the most amazing partner but I stuck with the relationship out of love and loyalty. I have said things in anger that aren't very nice as has she.

 

Just over a month ago we broke up, she moved out of our home to a new apartment two weeks ago. Through the period of living together we still had sex from time and time and even the night before she moved out.

 

I found out recently she has been text messaging a friend of a friend. A guy she has never met and lives 300 miles away. She has said ''they have very similar personalities and he compliments her and makes her feel good about herself''

 

This devastated me and it has gone on for a month. He actually called once at 2am while I was lying next to her. She lied and said it was someone from university. It wasn't!

 

I lost my temper, I found his phone number and I made contact with him and let him know that the whole time they have been messaging we were having sex. That she still loved me and told him to back off

 

This caused a huge argument with my ex and she told me she hated me etc.

 

Since this she has calmed down and asked to remain friends with me because she ''wants me in her life''. We spend the weekend together doing christmas things with our son.

 

She told me she still loves me and still sees a future for us but ''we cant be together right now because of the problems we've had'' but promised me they weren't messaging again.

 

I found out yesterday they were still messaging after I saw her doing it in the car next to me. I am devastated! I still love her and want a future but I cant be her friend while this guy is still in the picture.

 

I am devastated and I need advice, what should I do?

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Stop trying to be her friend. You can co-parent and have a relationship that way, but you see friendship as a way to get her back and that isn't going to happen. She's looking at other men and no longer wants to be with you.

 

Other than things about your son, you need to go NC so you can get some space to start healing and move away from these emotions.

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There is not much you can do except back away and just deal with her regarding your child. Speak to a lawyer and make sure your rights are protected. The fact that your ex can't last 5 minutes on her own without attention from a man leads me to believe that if it doesn't work out with her current interest, she will have someone else lined up soon enough...that is why it is important for you to ensure your rights are protected with your son for when another man becomes a fixture in her life. Also, be careful that she doesn't take you back simply because the other guy didn't work out, she can't find a replacement so quickly and she needs a man around. As for you, you need to take stock of your role in the breakdown of the relationship, you need to work on yourself so that when you enter a new relationship, you can be a better, more loving, open partner.

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I would work on looking up/setting up a clear contract of child visitation rights that can be upheld by law NOW. If you have a child with someone and "see a future" withthem you aren't going to try and wallow inyour past (i.e single days). Establish if there is anyways you can guarantee seeing your child, do so, then give her an ultimatum. No onedeserves lies such as these.

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It sounds like you two are pretty much 'apart', you can't 'control' what she does....

 

I know it's difficult! BUT this is WHY you can't 'be a friend' with her. NOT until you two are w/out any more feelings for each other.

Best for you to back off from her, respect her and leave her be, now.

I also suggest NO More sleeping together, etc. Things are going to continue to tick you off at this rate.

 

Whatever she does.. has nothing to do with you anymore. Technically, you two are separated, so you can't go blowing up at her. OR things will get much worse.

 

Aim at working with your child now...that's it!

It WILL be very hard to do, but YOU have to come back to reality and look at this in a whole new view.

 

I understand your feelings.. the devastation etc. I'm on month 7 from a 5 yr relation. It has NOT been easy for me.

But, I have NO control over what he does. I am leaving him alone to live his own life now.

 

One day at a time... it's not easy.. we know.

You're not alone.

 

tc

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Soooo, you say you can be protective and not show how you feel, unless its anger, control and jealousy right? You two had a child together but it doesnt mean you should share hearts together. You are a proud man and I think its about time you give up control of the mother of your child. You said in your post that you two would not have lasted but stuck it out because of loyalty. Well, a girl doesnt like it when you stick around because of your own pride. You love her but be honest with yourself, you dont want to be with her and you dont want anyone else to be with her either.

Give up the control, let her live her own life and try to settle it in your mind so that you and her can coexsist for your child. Even if she brings another guy into the childs life you have to step away from HER life. Its okay to be proud, but place it in the right place, you have a son, be proud of that.

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