I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. Real advise and opinions please!

[confusedjeff]

My girlfriend and her brother & sister-in-law live in the same house, different units. Last week when I met the dad of my girlfriend’s sister-in-law for the first time, he was surprised I was the one introduced to him as my girlfriend’s boyfriend. He commented afterwards how he thought my girlfriend’s boyfriend was a black man. Whatever the color, now I’m thinking that he saw another guy go in or come out of my girlfriend’s apartment.

[jjkk]

Ask her, maybe it was a misunderstanding, perhaps he was thinking of a different sister in law or one of her friends or something, maybe the sister in law mentioned something to him and he made an assumption you were black, I can think of several other possibilities that could lead to this type of misunderstanding. Unless there's other things going on, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion yet. Ask about it.

[confusedjeff]

Thanks for the reply. It's not the first time my gut tells me something is off, it was just the most clear situation so far. Sis-in-law and gf live in same building so he frequents there. And there is no other sis-in-law. Before that her best friend had been making a few hints at girls liking black guys or not. Again, whatever color, it just shows that he must have seen her with someone else before meeting me. Only been dating for 4 months.

[jjkk]

Previous boyfriend maybe? I'd suggest asking her, tell her what the father said and what you've been feeling, hopefully it's just a misunderstanding. you could even casually ask the sis in law about his comment, perhaps she could shed some light on it, too. Good luck!

[pippy longstocking]

Before that her best friend had been making a few hints at girls liking black guys or not.

 

 

maybe everyone around her thinks this from the comversations that go on, therefore so did the father.

[confusedjeff]

I'm worried if I ask she won't trust me anymore. But it all started after I caught her flirting with a waiter and all the comments started making sense in a different way. Not sure what to do, but I can't ask sis-in-law or her at this point, the relationship is too new.

[confusedjeff]

And there were no black previous boyfriends, at least not from the ones she told me about. She is seperated.

[pippy longstocking]

well I think because this was actually said

 

. He commented afterwards how he thought my girlfriend’s boyfriend was a black man

 

 

that that gives you resonable grounds in which to make some kind of comment as it hasnt been instigated by you has it ?

[pippy longstocking]

in in fact the more I think about it ...

 

if she was seeing a black man , and the father had seen him , he would hardly say that to you , he would know she was seeing more than one man and say nothing ..

 

no I deffo think he has overheard conversations infering that black is her preference .

[jjkk]

If you don't want to directly ask I have two thoughts: 1. Just tell her what the sis in law's father said and casually ask if she knows why he'd think that, not in accusing way, just like hey I thought it was strange/caught me off guard. OR 2. Go on as if nothing has changed. I guess there's a third option, if you aren't comfortable w/ her and don't feel like you can trust her then break it off for that reason.

[confusedjeff]

He made a comment about it to the sister-in-law the next day and she slipped it out in conversation. He doesn't know I heard the comment. And it definitely wasn't instigated by me.

[jjkk]

So what was the conversation you heard from sis in law then?

[confusedjeff]

It definitely makes me doubt the relationship since there has been more talk about it than in any other relatioship I've been in before. Also saw a picture of her dancing with some other guys on Facebook while she was just getting seperated from her husband.

[confusedjeff]

jjkk: The sis-in-law said to me "Dad was surprised to meet you as her boyfriend, he thought her boyfriend was a black man."

[lerenard]

I agree - you should ask her, trust is important. If she can`t trust you and you can`t trust her - it wont work for you guys.

And it makes me wonder why her father would make a comment like that anyway. I mean he SHOULD understand that it is a very provocative thing to say.

[jjkk]

Too bad you didn't ask her why he'd think that right then and could have this all cleared up, huh? Crud!! If you aren't comfortable w/ the relationship, maybe it's best to let it go. This is obviously weighing heavily on you so if you want to try to keep the relationship I'd ask her about it, like I said in previous post, don't come at her like you think she's cheating, just say hey this is what your sis in law said, why would he think that?

 

It kind of sounds like you have doubts about this girl and the relationship in general though so maybe just cutting ties now is the answer, only you can decide.

[confusedjeff]

I confronted her once before because I felt she was secretive with what I would see on her phone while she was texting, but brushed that off as paranoia since I've been cheated on before. She assured me I could look at anything I want on her phone but my gut still told me otherwise. I feel if I confront her again it would end the "trust" between us. I didn't feel any of this with my last girlfriend so it makes me wonder why now. Again, I have to stress the fact that what colour he thought her boyfriend was is irrelevant to me, but he clearly expected a different looking guy when he met me for the first time.

[confusedjeff]

I brushed my doubts away until then and reasoned it with paranoia because I was cheated on before. But we are talking about moving in together and it's an uncomfortable feeling in my gut now. Because I don't feel I know why that was being said.

[jjkk]

LIke I said, I can easily think of at least 10 reasons there could have been this misunderstanding but truly I have no idea about any of it. If you want to keep the relationship you either need to ask in a way that's not accusatory or confrontational, like I said just this is what your sis in law said, why would he think that? OR do your best to forget about the comment and continue on as if everything is normal.

[confusedjeff]

I play music and the sis-in-laws reasoning was "maybe because you play music" and then she left it alone, as if she caught herself. That reasoning seems completely bogus to me. I didn't ask more because there were other people in the room.

[confusedjeff]

Probably need to ask her and risk any trust we've build so far then.

[pippy longstocking]

Probably need to ask her and risk any trust we've build so far then.

 

don't go in with that self defeating attitude like it is you who has made this whole thing up ..like I said ...it was the fathers comments that have started this off not your paranioa ..so why is it you taking a risk with any trust you have built so far ?

 

be strong and fair .

[confusedjeff]

Thanks for all the replies!!!

 

Before this comment by her sister-in-law's dad, here are the things that made me think something was up before, but I brushed them all off up until that point:

1) Her flirting with a black waiter at a restaurant (or at least what I saw as a quick flirt at the table)

2) Her best friend making a comment to me while she was there: "Once you go black you never go back"

3) That same best friend making a point in conversation at another time that she herself has never been attracted to black guys

4) Me getting the feeling that I shouldn't see everything she writes on her phone (although she denied that was the case)

5) More than once, her reasoning to me when a guy is rude to her is always: "He just has a small penis syndrome"

6) Seeing a pic of her dance with a black man on vacation on her Facebook page.

 

Again I need to stress, he could be black, yellow or white, for me it is just the fact that all the things and signs have to do with the same subject matter, something I haven't encountered before.

[confusedjeff]

Thank you ShootingStar

[jjkk]

I know the color isn't the issue, I'm just assuming you aren't black and that he thought she was dating a black man put up the red flags for you because that meant it's NOT you. Unless the pic on FB was while you were dating I don't see how any of these means she's cheating.