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Is he serious or playing


Anonymous 6

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My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, and living together for a little over 6 months. Were both in our mid 20s with stable jobs etc. He owns his own business (a farm) that does well, and I’m a social worker in the city. I also go to school full time for business.

 

Our relationship has been 98% wonderful. I caught him in a lie a while ago (it was a big lie) which made me question a few things. But in all fairness, I told a lie myself (or failure to mention something). I know these things aren’t good for relationships, but I like to think that we are all human.

 

Anyways- my relationship with this man has been everything I’d hoped it would be. Now lies the problem- The last of my family is preparing to move over seas, and I’m still young enough for it to scare the hell out of me. I am stable, but with a close friends death, one moving accross the country, and now the last of my family moving, it feels very isolating to know it’s just me left. Since I’m still young, I know I have a lot of options. A part of me wants to move back south to be with my family (grandparents and aunts etc), they have excellent schools down there, with incredible masters programs (or) one of my very close friends just moved accross the country, which has great business opportunities that my location would not offer, as well as good schools in the area.

 

I love my boyfriend and want to stay here with him, but at the same time- I look back and think of all my relationships that I put so much faith in. A year is a long time, but it’s not at the same time. Our relationship has shown great progress over the past year, and we are incredibly happy. However, I feel like I need more from our relationship if I’m going to plan to stay here and be with him.

 

((The Talk))- I’ve spoken with my boyfriend about the whole “where do you see this relationship going”- He says that he wants to get married, buy a house, and have children eventually. A part of me was incredibly happy to hear this, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that nothing he described included me in it. – I brought up the topic again, asking if he saw ME in his future with all of those things- he said “sure, I like that idea”. He said afterwards that he would start ring shopping.

 

Being an over excited girl- a couple of days later I looked up a few engagement rings that I really liked, and offered him assistance so he wouldn’t have to stress on what I would like. All I got in response was “wow, you need to slow down and not jump the gun”. I felt really confused after this. Don’t most guys get excited about this kind of thing?

 

Anyways- It’s been three weeks and he hasn’t gone to look or mentioned anything about it. His response left me feeling rejected, and I don’t want to bring it up because I will feel like I’ve been reduced to begging. Now a big part of me feels like I’m more of a place holder than future “wife” material. I wouldn’t be offended if I weren’t, I just feel that I have a right to know for sure so I can figure out what I want to plan for with my life. I know guys always say whatever they can to keep themselves out of trouble, so I worry that his whole “sure, well get married someday” was a nice way of shutting me up.

 

Anyone have any thoughts about this that I’m not looking at… I feel I’m being a bit unreasonable, but my circumstances are also peculiar. I’m sorry for the incredibly long text, feels nice to let it all out though. Thanks for reading.

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Sorry to say but it kind of seems like you gave him an ultimatum to either progress the relationship or you would move away from him which I'm sure scared him and yeah he probably did say "sure, we'll get married" just to shut you up. However, a year really isn't a long time and I'm sure he still has doubts which I think is completely reasonable for the amount of time you've been together. And I think you are rushing yourself; you are trying to get someone else to make you decision for you. Did you really give yourself time to completely soak in the idea of having him as your husband (which as a fellow female I'm sure you did but still gotta ask)?

 

Bottom line: it seems like you don't feel secure in your current situation and that's why you are seeking out other opportunities (and they do sound like very good opportunities for you). You need to do what is best for you even if it's hard but do not try to rush him for many good reasons but the main one is how will you ever know that he didn't just do it because you asked him to and not because he wanted to. That's not a good way to start a marriage.

 

Either way I wish you best.

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Don't you want him to marry you because he realized that you are the one he can't be without? He can't do that with a marriage shot gun at his head. Yes, you had the talk and he's expressed interest in wanting to get married, however, he never said when. Sure he said he should start looking for a ring, but again he never said when. It seems you have a timer on when he should propose marriage because you want to move on with your life. I do have to agree with the poster above that you don't seem very secure in the situation you are in and you may want to focus on that instead of why after three weeks he hasn't looked at a ring yet. You have to realize, however, that when he told you he should go look for a ring that he didn't want you to help him with that. Guys don't really get excited like women do about this, but when they do feel ready to make the move, its usually best to let them do it in their own time. It's possible that he may want to make a grand gesture.

 

It also appears that you are sacrificing your hopes and dreams based on whether he wants to take your relationship to the next level. If you do that, at some point in your life you will end up resenting him. If you feel that making a move will enhance you and your career then you should take steps to make that happen. If he loves you and if he wants to be with you, he will make the right move. Don't give him an ultimatum though. If you decide that moving is better for you, then let him know that you love him but you want to move further along in your career.

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My boyfriend doesn't know about my opportunities to move south for school. I don't want him to feel pressured.. I would want to get married knowing it was what he wanted just as much as me. I have told him what I wanted, and I have no intentions of bringing it up unless he starts the conversation. I would have to agree that I'm insecure in my current situation. The second time that the discussion of marriage came up, he did not seem interested at all. This kind of thing worries me, as I know very well he may never want to marry me. The last thing that I want to do is put pressure on him, but honestly- hes the only thing that is keeping me here. All of my family is gone, and I'm left with an apartment (lease is up in 4 mo.) and a job that drives me crazy.

 

Since he owns his business in New England, moving anywhere is pretty much out of the question, if I leave I would be leaving him behind. I want to stay here with him, but can't determine rather I'm Mrs. Right or Mrs. Right now..

 

I don't see it as giving up on my hopes and dreams. My business degree along with my work is something that I have been geared towards for a long time, I've always wanted to be a wife and mother, but have been working towards a career since my track record isn't so great with men.

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Instead of pressuring him towards marriage, I think you should have/should still let him know about your opportunities for grad school and thoughts about moving. Get his input. Put marriage out there as an option. But this should be more of a discussion between you two and not you deciding one path.

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I think he is okay with marrying...and marrying you. But not tomorrow.

 

Yeah. He doesn't seem ready for marriage. It is a big step.

 

While he knows what he wants in the future, it sounds like your timetable is way more advanced than his. "Someday" vs "I'll help you pick out a ring!"

 

Also, the fact that you had to have a second talk in which you asked him specifically if he wants to marry you someday is disconcerting. He was comfortable stating his desire for marriage and kids in a general sense but not saying off the bat, "I see us being married and starting a family". May just mean that again, he just isn't there yet (in terms of timing/certainty) or more ominously, it could mean he's undecided about you -- he hasn't ruled you out as a potential wife but he hasn't decided on you for good.

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So I spoke with him again last night regarding this issue- before he had promised me a ring for Christmas, and as I have tiny fingers he would need to order something in advanced- rings usually take 4-6 weeks to be made and sent back to the store.. So I asked if he had gone yet.. "No, I have a million things to do before I get you a ring"

Christmas is a little over 2 weeks away, so his promise was obviously BS

 

OK--- So this is the big emergency- he has needed a new car for a WHILE, and kept telling me that he was going to get a new one- about 6 months ago he said that he wanted a new one before Christmas... Wanna take a wild guess how many times I have heard him talking about it, much less actually going out looking? He hasn't even said anything about what he would want. I told him that hes been "meaning" to do THAT also, and he hasn't even bothered, and how am I supposed to take him telling me that he would get me an engagement ring any differently!

 

Now I just feel like hes blowing smoke up my ass and THAT FACT ALONE IS PISSING ME OFF-- I don't mean to get so upset about it, but every time he promises me something it seems like he forgets or takes some B/S excuse as to why he couldn't-- "I don't have enough time, etc".. I work 50 hours per week and go to school full time! I manage to make time for the things that I want!!!! why cant he?

 

I'm not sure if its going too far- but we had a trip planned to go to Vegas this month, we were supposed to be going from the 19th through the 22nd. I told him that he was in charge so he could get what he wanted out of the trip.. HE HASN'T PLANNED !! nada, nothing, no hotel choices, no air fare nothing. So I'm thinking of taking that time that I got off of work to take a trip by myself and figure out what I really want right now. He's obviously stalling, and it's starting to make me think that I'm not worthy. Him blowing smoke up my a** and making false promises pisses me off enough.

 

If this feeling doesn't go away, I'm thinking of asking him to stay in the guest bedroom till the lease is up, and go back to "dating".. While he's busy "making up his mind"

 

I'm really sorry for ranting, and I'm not sure why this situation bothers me as much as it does. But I ended up sitting in the laundry room in the dark for over an hour last night crying..

 

does anyone think that I'm being unreasonable with these things?

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I am somewhat confused. In one conversation he says he isn't adverse to marrying...and then you have to qualify that he wants to marry you at some point. When did he say he would get you a ring by Xmas?

 

As you can see with the car and the trip to Vegas...all of that is on his wish list, but he doesn't make it a priority. Clearly, he procrastinates. And I would think that if the vehicle is untrustworthy, it should be at the top of the list.

 

In addition...buying a car, a ring and a vacation is a lot to do at same time unless he makes serious coinage. I think you are letting the ring/ marriage issue color everything right now.

 

If you ask him to sleep in guest room I would not expect him to "date" you until the lease is up.

Your expectations are out of line with reality.... hence the disappointment.

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I think it would be going too far if he told you he wants to marry you right now. If you have never talked about goals before, him saying he wants to get married, etc, is good to know so you don't feel you are wasting your time. A guy would never say "and I would like it to be YOU" at this point because they would be scared that you would think they were moving too fast. Its a lot of pressure/expectation. In a year you can think it COULD be the right person but you don't want to verbalize it because you are not ready to marry at that moment.

 

I think its unrealistic to expect him to answer the correct answer without laying out your hand and then say "gotcha" because he didn't answer correctly.

 

I think you should tell him of your thoughts - what if you moved to go to school. Maybe he would want to figure how to work it out. Or maybe with such recent upheavel you should do NOTHING - you should let your folks move pass by and continue to heal from grief and make no radical decisions for another six months to a year.

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by the way = you should BOTH be planning the trip. EVen if he picks the hotel. And it is unrealistic for you to expect a ring. And I talked about a new car for 8 months before i seriously hunkered down and got serious. I needed to save the money first and i took my time deciding exactly which one would be best, also.

 

I think you really want him to propose as your determination on whether to stay or go.

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I think you need to determine YOUR goals,..ie grad school, etc.

Expecting a ring after a year in this situation is unrealistic. And pressuring him in counter intuitive.

 

If you got the ring...would you stay and give up the. thought of gra school? I think you don't want to decide your life decisions and are hoping that you can blame it on "well I was going to go to grad school, but he proposed... so I stayed".

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I think you need to determine YOUR goals,..ie grad school, etc.

Expecting a ring after a year in this situation is unrealistic. And pressuring him in counter intuitive.

 

If you got the ring...would you stay and give up the. thought of gra school? I think you don't want to decide your life decisions and are hoping that you can blame it on "well I was going to go to grad school, but he proposed... so I stayed".

 

 

are there only grad schools near her aunts, etc? I doubt it

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OK - so you DO have a timeline and expectations! I think you need to figure that out and let him know in general (without anger) your timeline for marriage.

 

I didn't hear you talk timeframes for marriage before so I don't believe you communicated your need for that to him. If so, it's not fair to "pre-punish" him for not doing what you want. Also, you guys are spending a lot of money right now. I don't think that's conducive to getting him to ask you to marry him.

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