Please help me- wanting ex boyfriend back but not sure if it's best

[thunderlove1]

This is long. but I NEED help.

So I was in a perfect 6 year relationship with this guy named Jo. We had a perfect friendship and were 100% loyal and honest to each other. I can't really describe how we were, but we were connected. Anyways, in august I started feeling weird. He knew and was asking why but I wasn't sure even. After a bit I asked for a break. Then after the break I decided to break up with him since my confusion wasn't fair. My BEST guess was that for 6 years I felt dependent on him. It was unhealthy and I felt like I couldn't live without him. When I broke up with him he was heartbroken. It hurt me to see him that way but it was a fair honest break up, no yelling just upset.

 

I started hanging out with a friend (guy) that I have known for a bit but not well. We hung out and it was like I just put my dependency elsewhere. I hung out with him a bit and was pretty vulnerable. I slept with him. After sleeping with him I was empty. But so ed that I knew I couldn't go back to Jo. So I fed my insecurities by sleeping with him more times. We were friends though, we spoke as friends. I made it clear to him it was temporary and told him "to fill my void". He didn't seem to care and nor did I. I was a tad infatuated at the time but still so messed up. After about a month of that, I literally couldn't anymore. I felt so guilty and wrong. I told the guy and he said he felt used. I told him I warned him and he said it was fair. I said I couldn't cause my feelings for Jo weren't gone they were just hidden. Anyways, that month is a blur. I don't remember WHAT I was thinking or doing and honestly don't want to.

 

I sat depressed in bed for a week missing Jo knowing it would be unfair to text him but I did. He seemed happy and fine. I was happy for him. I then found out that he had a crush on some new girl. I was heartbroken.

 

Jo and I started hanging out casually again. Then one day I went over and he just started making out with me, slept with me and it was so good to feel him again. After sex, he was empty and basically told me to go home. I had NEVER felt so used.

 

He apologized and said he was just not ready. We talked everyday. Mostly fighting about our love. Then we started sleeping together again. We would cuddle and hang out for hours and he would kiss me and tell me the sweetest things and we would sleepover etc… like NORMAL. He wasn't ready to take me back though (which i completely understood). He wanted me to prove that I would;t leave him again. I didn't quite know how to do that. I thought it would be fair to basically always tell him what I was doing. I broke off connections with all my guy friends he didn't know so he didn't HAVE to worry if there was something was going on (even though there wasn't). I texted and hung around and it would go back and forth for a while. After a few weeks I asked if he was still hanging out with this new girl he had a previous crush on. He said yes. They texted and flirted and snap chatted everyday. They also hung out a couple times (drunk with friends). After about a month of us hanging out and pretending things were pretty normal, I asked if he still flirted with this girl… he said no. He told me nothing was going on and they hardly talk anymore. I believed him. Then one night we had a PERFECT night, but he had plans to hang out with her and that group. So we both left his house and went out… the plan was to rejoin at the end of the night and cuddle so I left my keys and stuff at his house. at 1:30am I texted asking if he was ready to call it a night and meet up (it killed me he was with this girl). He said 20min… 20min later I texted he said in a bit… I started to panic… he is with a girl he had a crush on drinking with a group of 6 girls alone… . So after and HOUR AND A HALF I called and said I wanted to go home. I went outside the bar and waited for him to give me the keys. Side note… these new friends of his don't know we've been hanging out. Im a dirty secret cause he doesn't want others knowing he forgave me.

After giving me the keys I went to his house… panicking. I was so mad and scared I creeped his fb messages…

Things I found were how much he would NEVER go back to me. How he pretty much uses me for sex. How he likes this new girl and was STILL flirting with her. Then a message to a girl from an online game saying "theres no one to in this town" her reply "come here id be worth it" his reply "oh i totally would"… this message was sent a day we had sex.

 

anyways… the more i read the more I found he lied about EVERYTHING.

I was soooo hurt. This guy… would NEVER have lied before… I ruined him… but who is he now?

 

So i called him like a crazy gf a bunch of times cause I wanted to give him his keys and go home… he ignored each one… 4am rolls around. I have no idea where he is but I found out he was alone with that girl….

 

Later the next day he told me he needed to her to forgive me.. he HADNT yet.. but needed to.

 

I understood but said I need to be alone and away from it. I wasn't sure if I could handle it knowing he was doing this ON purpose..

 

I was so pissed about his lies… and surprised. He didn't even care. He fed me bs lies saying he was just saying those things to make him look strong… but how do I know that's true?

 

after 2 weeks of more back and forth he said he didn't want to her… jesus. Im heart is so confused. I didn't want to be used though. He asked me to hang out almost every night… but what for sex? I said until I know you aren't flirting with girls and leading them on I can't be your toy. I understood he didn't want to get back yet, but i can't be treated like that.

 

Some days he would text for 18 hours straight. saying he just needs time or needs me to prove that i love him then he would cut this girl out… then other days he would call me a a and I didn't deserve anything.

 

After all these messages my understanding was that we were going to work on us… and he KNEW how i felt about him being with that other girl.

 

Then one friday he went alone to a concert with her… he walked and picked her up, they went alone, drank, got drunk food. He brought he her home cause it was cold and then he walked her home. 6 days past and he never told me. During these 6 days he continued to say he wanted me blah blah… I asked him "have you hung out with this girl since the time I knew" he say no. He said he doesn't like her, hardly knows her they've only seen each other twice… But i already knew… so I asked him after a week… to tell me HONESTLY… asked the question again. He got so defensive saying it wasn't my business.

 

So to my face I asked "did u walk her home" he said no… then later i asked have yo EVER been to her place…. he said yes.. i was like when.. he was like well ok i picked her up and walked her home… lie.. he told me he met her there before.

 

Then i asked if they got drunk food. he said no…

then i asked if shed been to his house.. he said.. mm not sure. I was like what do you mean? he was like well like in the hall really quickly.. i asked when.. he said he needed to drop something off..

 

anyways LATER in that night.. i was like.. wait what did you need to drop off.. he was like poutine.. we got poutine… ok so you lied about drunk food then lied about her being over.. He said she did come in for a bit.

 

So there were more and more lies.

 

I wasn't even mad… just numb. He NEVER lies.. who the is this person.

 

He hugs me and kisses me and texts me everyday saying he wants this… he leads me on… but then hides this girl from me.. his excuse was "if you knew i hung out with her you wouldn't hang out with me"

…

 

I am so confused. One day he says he wants this the other day I'm not sure.

 

I told him the only way ill fight is if i know he isn't flirting with this girl anymore and hanging out alone…

 

now more details. This girl didn't know about me. then he did say she saw me call that one night… on the night they went to the concert she asked randomly "Why is she so jealous" he told her i was jealous of her for some reason… empowering her more..

 

She flirts with him SOOOOO much and he reciprocates.

 

I told him if he wanted to pursue this i understood but its not fair to give me false ideas and lead me on.

 

he said he wouldn't stop. He owes me nothing. He doesn't have to sacrifice anything since I ed someone else..

 

Tonight.. we spoke… it was weird.

but he started asking questions about my single month.. and got EXTREMELY mad… that month i told him that month ISNT his business.. I was honest but he should not know the details because i wasn't with him and didn't act like it… i did not think we were getting back together so i just did…. he got so angry and asked me a question if i gave the other guy a blow job… i didn't answer and he jumped on me and pinned me on his bed super angry and yelled at me to tell him… he HAS NEVER been aggressive or abusive…

 

i was terrified. I left but he tried to make me stay.

 

I have never seen this side.

 

Now this is where I am.

 

I don't want to remember that month of being single. I don't want to share it anymore.

He wants to be able to be single and do what he wants. I said if he wants single life, I would understand but he would need to cut me out like he did.

No leading me on and giving me false hopes. He said he would continue to flirt with her…

 

 

after tonight… and him grabbing me like he did. I don't know.. he will always be mad and always hear things he doesn't want to hear about that month. I wanted to be honest and tell him but now i want to lie about it all.

 

Should I cut him out and move on? Is he right to be flirting with this girl while he's still seeing me on the side?

Im still a secret to his new friends… which i understand but what happens next…

 

Should I accept that he's flirting and hanging out alone with this girl? Or am i being naive and he's going to hook up with her (which he says wouldn't happen).

Should I just move on?

What is the right thing in this ed up situation.

What i did when I was single is my business and he has a right to be mad but he constantly says its cheating when it wasn't.

I told him if he wants to do whatever and be single then I HAVE NO RIGHT to question anything.. cause Ill be cut out… but I have a right if he's involving me.

 

he doesn't know what he wants and every day it hurts.

 

My honest gut feeling is he likes this girl. They text everyday flirting a lot. She just got out of a long relationship too. I think he does want to her and lies to me about it. keeps me around cause it feels good until he finally gets with the other girl..

 

I have lost 17 pounds. For being 125 normally thats a lot… I have gone 4 days without sleeping and I can't focus on anything. Everyone around me is worried about me. All Jo can say is "you did this to us and everything I do to you like lying, is a result of your up"… is that fair? Or am I being stupid..

 

I want to move on, but I can't cause he keeps me around…

 

We tried space.. but it never happens. we just text again and if i give him space he doesn't trust me and i don't trust him.

 

PLEASE help. Ask more questions and I will give answers if needed. Please though. I am so lost

 

He says he wants respect and me to put his needs first.. but lying and treating me like this… help please. What do/should I do?

[mhowe]

He doesn't keep you around. YOU keep you around.

You need to learn to be alone, and not find validation by being with someone. As you have learned...sex without feelings...feels empty. And is just using someone so you are not alone.

 

Break with Jo...no contact. No texting, no FB creeping. If you don't do it you will forever be stuck in this cycle of anger, hurt and emptiness.

[Lambert]

I agree with mhowe... It's a vicious cycle. You hurt him, he hurt you.... That's not love and putting up with someone that hurt you is not proving love.

 

True love doesn't end. It proves itself by being there. I know you think you caused this by wanting a break and for 6 years you were perfect, but we all are responsible for our actions. I think the very best thing you can do is move forward. Recognize that you loved each other at one point but its toxic and hurtful now. If you don't break the cycle, you will just continue to have drama and never feel safe with him.

[shelty24]

That other girl is now his gf, hes sleeping with her and cheating on her with you..

 

you need to move on. When you ended it, you were not trying to hurt him. When you had a fling you thought it was over. You never set out to put him through any pain.

 

Hes punishing you, he wants you to suffer and hes being nasty on purpose coz he wants you to hurt like he did. Thats not love.

 

This relationship is over. Too much damage has been done and neither of you will get over whats happened these past few months. Hes dangling you on a string like a puppet. When someone tells you that their love comes with conditions such as "you have to prove your sorry, you have to prove you love me, if you want me to stop talking to this person then you have to do this or that" then its not worth fighting for.

 

Right now hes emotionally and verbally abusing you, treating you like an object and hes even frightened you with his anger and aggressiveness. This has become dysfunctional and you need to get out now.

 

Remove yourself from this situation. Take control and stop letting him use and abuse you. Tell him its over and this time for good. No man is worth going through all this pain for

[Mesemene]

This will be blunt - but I think you need to hear it.

 

He has his cake and he's eating it too.

 

You didn't get back together. There was no communication. And you ended up in a situation where you took whatever you could get - which, unfortunately, was basically his lip service to keep you around.

 

He hasn't given you anything except excuses and put offs. He's playing you both, since I sincerely doubt he's telling this other girl that he has to leave so he can have sex with his ex.

 

Whether or not it showed before? He's a creep now. He only cares what words he's using in regards to getting what HE wants from you and Potential Girl. He has sex from you while he takes his sweet time getting her closer to sex time.

 

You need to sit down with yourself and have a VERY harsh reality check, woman to woman, with yourself.

 

You keep saying "the month I was single." YOU ARE STILL SINGLE. Make no mistake, nowhere in what you said did I see ANYTHING about him having the cojones to actually say you both screwed up and need to work together on your relationship. I see a TON of hemming, hawing, putting you off, and procrastination over anything that remotely sounds like commitment to you.

 

He apologized and said he was just not ready. We talked everyday. Mostly fighting about our love. Then we started sleeping together again. We would cuddle and hang out for hours and he would kiss me and tell me the sweetest things and we would sleepover etc… like NORMAL. He wasn't ready to take me back though (which i completely understood). He wanted me to prove that I would;t leave him again.

 

No - he didn't care about you proving you wouldn't leave him.

Read what YOU wrote. He didn't want you having anyone else - but he only wanted you to satisfy himself until his next option was open.

 

You went back into his arms and bed without resolving anything. You took the full responsibility for the failed relationship. It takes TWO people to make or break it. Yet you're letting him slither off and trying to bail this boat alone.

 

I thought it would be fair to basically always tell him what I was doing. I broke off connections with all my guy friends he didn't know so he didn't HAVE to worry if there was something was going on (even though there wasn't).

 

You're putting yourself in the position of a supplicant - throwing yourself at his feet like a peasant to a king. You're putting your entire life on hold while he pursues, actively pursues, someone else.

 

Go into your closet and hunt until you find the tattered remnants of your self esteem, shake them out, and start repairing. You deserve WAY more than this - way more. Talk to people on the forums. Get out with friends. Get busy and work on your health. But please, please, PLEASE, do not give someone who has such LITTLE respect and regard for you bring you down this low.

[thunderlove1]

I appreciate all your guy's advice. Love is blind. I never thought I would allow a guy to effect me so much. But I know that he will constantly keep this over my head and this won't work. I want to just stop hurting.