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Fiancée has zero sex drive. Need help!!


P0411

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Ok, I'm sure that this by far isn't the first post like this. I need advice, and quick though because it's causing lots of problems in our relationship. So my fiancée and I had our daughter together almost two years ago now. Before she had our daughter her sex drive was pretty good, we never fought, and for the most part things were pretty smooth sailing. However after she had my daughter she has had no sex drive whatsoever. I dealt with it pretty well the first several months until I caught her talking to a guy who she had almost dated before she met me. They had been talking for quite sometime, and I don't know what the conversations they were having consisted of. All I know is that I caught him sending her a texted message stating that he was thinking about titties. So the conversations couldn't have been that innocent. She promised it was innocent, she quit talking to him as far as I know and things have been fine since then except for the sex. She always shoots me down, never initiates any kind of sexual activities. If I bring sex up, and ask her why she has no sex drive it's always the same answer. She doesnt know. I have a hard time understanding this because in my relationship before this one is had sex whenever I wanted it. My fiancée and I have only been together for three years now and it seems a little strange that she would never want sex at all. I see people's post on here about people's girlfriends or fiancées only wantig sex two to three times a month. I wish I had that problem. I just want to know what I can do to take steps in having a healthy sexual relationship. I don't need sex everyday, I just want to feel wanted. I'm tired of feeling unwanted from a woman I'm engaged to marry. So women, any advice?

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welcome to ENA. First off, I would put the wedding planning on hold and go to a couples' counselor. You have 2 issues to deal with: her talking to other guys, and not wanting sex. They are probably linked. If she is serious about getting married to you, she needs to say what's going on, cut off communication with that guy, and really work on trying to restart the fire with you two.

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She was cheating. This problem started when she started talking to this guy-not coz she had a baby. You need to find proof. She defo had an affair (it may have been emotional with sexting-maybe she didn't physically cheat) but she defo crossed a line, got close to him and then pushed you away. That's what happens when someone is cheating. They cut their partner off, lose the emotional connection and intimacy. Even if shes no longer in contact with him, shes likely still thinking about him. Hes the fantasy-your reality and her head is in the clouds. The fantasy always SEEMS better (that whole grass is greener thing) but it normally never is if she actually experienced a real life relationship with him.. and unfortunately that's the only cure. He seems perfect right now but that's only because she doesn't know all his flaws and theirs only one way to find those out..

 

I know this is really hard for you especially with a kid but i think you need to end this. Id already be gone. I would not put up with cheating of any sort but only you can decide. I think youve been in denial. You know deep down their was nothing "innocent" about those texts but you wont admit it to yourself coz it hurts but you need to face it at some point.

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I'm not going to totally agree with shelty but, if things were going good, then all of a sudden without any warning she has gone "cold" there is a good chance she is either reevaluating the relationship or has something going on on the side with this guy, whether it be emotional or physical.

 

Approaching this is another matter altogether. You can't just come out and accuse her of cheating if you don't know. If she is your gf and this is a relatively healthy and normal relationship you should just approach her and communicate your concerns the best way you can.

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Hmm, this is strange. This was why I thought an ex of mine was cheating on me....he never wanted sex ever and he slept on the couch. She shouldn't be hiding things from you, and should she really be talking to that guy...especially about 'titties'?? That seems very inappropriate. No one sex drive can be so bad that they never want it. Truly happy couples are always very physical in my observation and experience. I think that you two should talk, and see a relationship counselor. Best of luck

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Eeeek! 3 years? It's over, most likely. If you two hadn't had children, my advice would be to end it. You have had, though, so this is quite a bit more complicated. I'm going to suggest something kind of radical, but, well, here it is: Tell her that you need to have sex. You'd prefer to have it with her, but, if she's not interested, then you're going to get it someplace else. Then, start doing so. I believe that people can be good parents if they're together, even if they're not sexually faithful to each other.

And, by the way: I agree with shelty. I'm less certain than he/she but odds are good she's cheated on you.

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Eeeek! 3 years? It's over, most likely. If you two hadn't had children, my advice would be to end it. You have had, though, so this is quite a bit more complicated. I'm going to suggest something kind of radical, but, well, here it is: Tell her that you need to have sex. You'd prefer to have it with her, but, if she's not interested, then you're going to get it someplace else. Then, start doing so. I believe that people can be good parents if they're together, even if they're not sexually faithful to each other.

And, by the way: I agree with shelty. I'm less certain than he/she but odds are good she's cheated on you.

 

At this point though, they aren't married, so they can just co-parent if she doesn't want to play the role of the wife. I think it's better that they coparent than try to get married with these problems.

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Thanks everyone for the advice. That's what I keep telling myself, that it's impossible for her to never have a sex drive. I've tried to talk to her about it but nothing ever changes. I've tried to forget about this other guy, and while I'm not sure exactly what happened it doesn't make me feel any better knowing that she never wants sex from me, nor can give me a reason why. I don't know isn't a answer I can live with. I hate feeling unwanted, and I've never crossed any kind of line with another woman. I've never invited a negative element into out relationship.

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Tell her that you need to have sex. You'd prefer to have it with her, but, if she's not interested, then you're going to get it someplace else. Then, start doing so. I believe that people can be good parents if they're together, even if they're not sexually faithful to each other.

 

I think this is really bad advice. Most emotionally healthy people crave love and sex and want both to go together. Cheating doesn't give him that unless he has an affair and then he will just end up leaving eventually anyway for the OW.. cheating isn't the solution here. It doesn't fix his problems or his relationship.

 

I feel this couple wouldn't be together if they didn't have a baby and staying for the kids sake is the most selfish thing a parent can do IMO. As parents, people are supposed to teach their children what a healthy, functional relationship is like so the kids can grow up and experience healthy relationships themselves. Its the best thing any parent can teach their child and staying in an unhealthy relationship or cheating doesn't do that.

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Thanks everyone for the advice. That's what I keep telling myself, that it's impossible for her to never have a sex drive. I've tried to talk to her about it but nothing ever changes. I've tried to forget about this other guy, and while I'm not sure exactly what happened it doesn't make me feel any better knowing that she never wants sex from me, nor can give me a reason why. I don't know isn't a answer I can live with. I hate feeling unwanted, and I've never crossed any kind of line with another woman. I've never invited a negative element into out relationship.

 

Ask her for couples counselling and if she refuses then tell her your sorry but if shes not willing to try fix things then you have no other choice but to break up. You cant fix this in your own. Move into the spare room and show her your serious about this until you have somewhere else to go. Hopefully shell realize shes losing you and agree to go to counselling.

 

Don't start sabotaging the relationship now by trying to get revenge or cheating etc. That will just hurt you both more and you sound like a good guy with morals. Don't change now. Try to keep things as civil as possible for your child's sake coz no matter what happens now, your always gonna have this woman in your life and you need to play nice

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Ask her for couples counselling and if she refuses then tell her your sorry but if shes not willing to try fix things then you have no other choice but to break up. You cant fix this in your own. Move into the spare room and show her your serious about this until you have somewhere else to go. Hopefully shell realize shes losing you and agree to go to counselling.

 

Don't start sabotaging the relationship now by trying to get revenge or cheating etc. That will just hurt you both more and you sound like a good guy with morals. Don't change now. Try to keep things as civil as possible for your child's sake coz no matter what happens now, your always gonna have this woman in your life and you need to play nice

 

I agree with this. You should try to work it out at least once before you go ape on her. The thing is, some women go through post partum depression after having a baby. And if your not sure where her mind is, you might regret it. I also agree with those that said happy couples enjoy sex together. I know I would not marry someone if they never wanted to have sex. It's important to both men and women. And not having it regularly is a major sign that there is a problem.

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