Scared/hesitant to get involved

[jessb115258]

I caught my aunt’s husband (uncle by marriage) cheating on Veterans Day. My aunt was at work, but my younger cousins and uncle were home. My aunt knew I would be dropping by to return some baking dishes and apparently she didn’t tell him. I let myself in and found my cousins playing in the family room with the TV on kind of loudly. They said their dad told them not to leave the room until he said so, which I thought was ridiculous so I went looking for him. I went upstairs and usually they keep their bedroom doors open during the day, but the guestroom door was slightly ajar.

 

I saw them having sex through the crack. I could tell by the ankle tattoo that he was having sex with his brother’s fiancé.

 

How stupid can they be to do this in the house with the kids at home and not even think straight enough to close the door? I didn’t bust in on them, went downstairs and told my cousins not to tell their dad that I had stopped by. They’re good kids and they’ll think it’s a game, so I know they won’t say anything.

 

After the shock wore off, I thought about telling my aunt but I was afraid of the disaster it would create in the family and the mess it would create with her husband and his brother. I also realized he and his brother’s fiancé could both deny it and try to make me look like a fool. I let a lot of time pass and now if I tell her, she’ll want to know why I didn’t say something right away and it’ll add to the mess…

 

It’s eating me up, but I’m really scared to get involved. My aunt or any woman for that matter doesn’t deserve to be cheated on and my uncle’s brother deserves to know his fiancé is a wh*re

[jjkk]

I'd tell your aunt, privately. Just tell her what you saw, I wouldn't lead in w/ "your husband is cheating", just tell her your story, you went to her house to return dishes, this is what you did, this is what you saw. Let her know you've been in shock and wasn't sure how to tell her or what to do. It sucks to have to do this, I'm sure and I'd be scared, too but she deserves to know and holding this secret will just fester in your heart and mind. Yes, they could both deny it but and what your aunt and anyone else does w/ this information is out of your control but it will help you get this off your chest and I believe it is the right thing to do. You don't want to hold onto this. Best of luck.

[Seraphim]

Personally I would stay out of it. People have a tendency of shooting the messenger.

[amipushy]

Not sure how old you are but if you are young tell your mother what you saw. Its a heavy burden to carry at a young age so let her deal with it.

[shelty24]

I would tell her the truth. Tell her your sorry to be the one to tell her this but if it were you-youd want to know and just tell her what you told us. The truth will come out at some point anyway and if she finds out you knew all along and didnt tell her shed be even more upset.

[jjkk]

Not sure how old you are but if you are young tell your mother what you saw. Its a heavy burden to carry at a young age so let her deal with it.

 

Good point! I hadn't thought of the possibility that you're young, yes, if you feel like it's best going through your mom or dad, go that route.

[shelty24]

This man has no respect for his wife or kids also. How horrible. Cheating is bad enough but bringing your w**** into your house especially when your kids are downstairs. What an a**hole. Is it possible for you to find proof/evidence before you tell her just to protect yourself? Or when you tell her, is she level headed enough to stay calm and find proof before confronting him coz we all know he will lie and lie and lie..

[FitnessMan]

I'd just crack a joke with the aunt.

"So where you off work when I returned those dishes and the kids told me that daddy told them to stay in the room till he comes back downstairs. Heard some wild noises up there haha. Caught in the act!!

 

When she says that she was in fact working, you just say "ohhh well maybe I was mistaken". And walk away.

It will make her more wary of a reoccurring situation and she'll probs confront her husband as well so he knows he's been found out from somewhere and gives him the chance to either own upto it or deny it.

 

Put the ball in his court without been too upfront and confrontational.

[lady00]

Wow. Unfortunately, I think people will blame you and not believe you unless of course they admit it, which seems unlikely. How horrible. How selfish of them!

[Hazyillusions]

I'd just crack a joke with the aunt.

"So where you off work when I returned those dishes and the kids told me that daddy told them to stay in the room till he comes back downstairs. Heard some wild noises up there haha. Caught in the act!!

 

When she says that she was in fact working, you just say "ohhh well maybe I was mistaken". And walk away.

It will make her more wary of a reoccurring situation and she'll probs confront her husband as well so he knows he's been found out from somewhere and gives him the chance to either own upto it or deny it.

 

Put the ball in his court without been too upfront and confrontational.

 

He's not going to own up. He'll probably say he was watching porn or something similar to that.

You should sit your aunt down and tell her. Be honest and say you really didn't want to have to say this but it's not fair on her or the kids.

[FitnessMan]

He's not going to own up. He'll probably say he was watching porn or something similar to that.

You should sit your aunt down and tell her. Be honest and say you really didn't want to have to say this but it's not fair on her or the kids.

 

It's all well and good being the messenger of good intentions but you have to look at this from a point of view that it could back fire onto you, that person being Jess. The thing is, even if he doesn't own up, it will make her aunt more cautious because it will always be in the back of her mind, same with the guy and the affair will kind of become less frequent.

 

It also then opens the aunts mind up to the possibility that it is in fact true as she will start to notice little changes in the husband, he'll for sure become slightly on edge.

 

 

It's better not to go into a situation like this all guns blazing, it's potentially a hostile confrontation and really it should be about the aunt and her husband. Tell her but not in a "I saw your husband shagging _____" kind of way, be light with it and let her realize herself.

Seriously, I dealt with domestic abuse cases and such alike last year, this psychological approach works well as it plants a seed and little things make it grow until the truth comes out.

[Hazyillusions]

Okay so he denies it and keeps his affair more on the down low- what does that achieve?

I would tell the whole truth regardless of what happens, cos I care.

 

The aunt doesn't deserve to be with somebody like this, and the sooner she knows what's going on the better.

[FitnessMan]

And in the mean time the husband and the kids blame you for getting the husband kicked out the house.

 

It should be told lightly. Not full on, as you are suggesting. It's okay telling her to tell her aunt but seriously if it was you you'd just stroll up to your aunt and tell her all this with no proof, no nothing?

 

The best way to do it is how I said, she'll still find out, it'll take a little longer but more importantly there is the proof and the changes in the relationship that the aunt then realizes. Got more chance of success doing this approach than a full on approach with no proof.

[shelty24]

My aunt told my other aunt years ago that she saw her husband kissing a girl. I dono if she was telling the truth but he denied it and the two sisters HATE each other now. They fell out big time. Some believe she lied for malicious reasons (which is possible coz she can be horrible) some believe she was telling the truth but nobody really knows..

 

but she told her over the phone in kind of a nasty way and his friend said they just walked that girl to a cab coz she was drunk and they knew her. Just being good samaritans..his friend was the aunts bf at the time that told her and they split up over it.

 

Very complicated and messy...

 

Someone i know recieved a message from a fake FB page saying her husband is cheating. And after doing some fishing, she found out it was true. They are getting a divorce now but maybe that's a better way to do it.. you could say "im sorry to be the bearer of bad news but if it were me id want to know. your husband is cheating on you with his brothers wife.. before you confront him find proof because otherwise he will cover his tracks. Again sorry but i thought you had a right to know"

[Seraphim]

Situations like these where people poke their nose in just never works out well. My mother told her brother that his wife was cheating on him. Her brother didn't talk to her for three years after she said that she had to say.

 

Also with children involved in this situation I would not explode their Christmas for them. If you're actually going to do something wait until after Christmas. Don't blow up a family right in the holiday season.

[jessb115258]

Thanks everyone for the advice, but I'm thinking along the lines of Victoria66...I really don't see anything positive coming out of me saying something to my aunt. I'm 27, so no need to get my mother/another relative involved. I definitely don't want to ruin the holidays for my cousins, which is another reason I haven't said anything.

 

Honestly, I have no idea how long it's been going on and I'm hoping (maybe naively) that it's a one time thing or it'll stop soon.

[LadyMing]

Thanks everyone for the advice, but I'm thinking along the lines of Victoria66...I really don't see anything positive coming out of me saying something to my aunt. I'm 27, so no need to get my mother/another relative involved. I definitely don't want to ruin the holidays for my cousins, which is another reason I haven't said anything.

 

Honestly, I have no idea how long it's been going on and I'm hoping (maybe naively) that it's a one time thing or it'll stop soon.

 

What about the person that is about to marry the mistress? For your aunt I understand you don't want to rock their already well ''so so marriage' from the looks of things, but for your uncle's brother that is yet to marry the woman that is sleeping with your uncle he at least has a right to know before he marries this girl. Will you be attending the wedding, knowing what you know in the sense that can you sit there comfortably knowing what you know? Will it continue after they are married only then it will be sister in law sleeping with her brother in law...yuck. I do respect your decision not to say anything to your aunty, but I guess it was better you that saw it than the children aye, since your uncle and his brother's fiance couldn't even shut the door, but who knows for next time... because they seem to be very reckless people do what they did with children in the house...his children..

 

It's a hard situation to be in, but just put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself if that was you would you want to know? Some people will say yes such as myself, but I have friends that have said no they wouldn't want to know that their husband was cheating on them...

 

I wish you all the best with your decision...

[Curly sue]

Tell her she has a right to know. I would want to know if it where me. People are going to get hurt but at least she can heal & move on with her life. Instead of wasting more of her precious life on a cheater .

[lerenard]

I agree - wait until holidays pass, but I personally would talk with my uncle, not my aunt.

[20sgal88]

Tell her! If I were her, I'd want to know.

[QWit]

I agree - wait until holidays pass, but I personally would talk with my uncle, not my aunt.

 

Don't do this.. This could backfire on the OP.. If she tells him she knows, he just might find a way to make her look like a liar.. She should tell her aunt.

 

OP, the longer you wait, the worst it could get.. You could wait until after Christmas to tell her, but she can comeback and ask why you didn't say anything sooner.. However, it's your choice. Either case, your aunt needs to be told.

[lerenard]

and if she tells her aunt, and then her aunt goes and confronts her husband, you think she wont tell him HOW she found out that he cheats and who told her?

he will anyhow deny it and will try to make OP look like a liar.

it all depends on the relationships between the family members. if I saw my uncle cheating on my aunt, I would confront him directly, and I would want him to know what I saw, hoping he will regret it and he will talk to my aunt. I wont go pass it to my aunt in all the details, and look at her reaction, and then wait till I get an angry call from her, because he will deny it to her face, or from my uncle telling me to keep my mouth shut and keep my nose out of their business. just my opinion.

[Liraele]

If it were me... I would want to know. Even as much as it would hurt, I would still want to know.

 

If the situation were reversed, would you want to know? I think that should be your guideline, and also base it upon your relationship with your aunt.

 

She may want to shoot the messenger, as others have said. There is always a very distinct possibility of that. She probably will be upset/angry for some time. However, again, were it me... I would be more angry if one of my family members knew something was going on and didn't tell me.

[jessb115258]

I confronted my uncle today. We work in the same area in NYC; he emailed asking me to get coffee because he wanted my opinion on a Christmas gift for my aunt. He seemed perfectly fine and very excited about the gift he wants to get my aunt. I really couldn’t take his enthusiasm knowing he cheated on my aunt and I just broke. I told him point blank that I saw him with his brother’s fiancé on Veterans Day.

 

Complete shock and disbelief registered on his face, but he wasn’t angry, defensive, or tried to deny it. He just took a deep sigh and said I wouldn’t understand so I said try to explain. He claims he never meant it for it to happen. Says Veterans Day was the only day it happened and it never happened again; they both got caught up in a moment and both regretted it afterward. Claims he’s going to come clean to my aunt after the holidays because he doesn’t want to ruin it for my cousins. I believe him because he says it isn’t fair to his brother to marry someone who has cheated on him. I told him he has until the first full week in January to tell my aunt or I will. He didn’t take it as threat and says he will.

 

At this point, all I can do is wait and see.

[lerenard]

Good for you. You managed it well.

Hopefully your uncle will keep his promise.