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A conflict in my relationship...


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Hi all, I will try to keep this as short as possible.

 

Three years ago I met this older man ( am 30, he is 57) and after a few months of seeing each other he confided in me that he still live with his ex partner of 30 years in a strictly platonic relationship. I took it badly but in time I accepted it. I even started going to their house and everything went well. I clicked with his ex partner too.

 

About a year later this same ex partner started to put his nose into our business, like asking my partner if he is going home tonight or if he stays over at mine he will send text messages like 'Hey you haven't came home in days, when are you coming over?'

 

It started to really piss me off as I felt like we could never get it going on especially since my partner is either scared or respects his ex so much that he always gives him what he wants.

 

Anyway, one time I was at their house and an argument ensued. We were all a little drunk and the ex partner came towards me like he wanted to hit me. I retaliated and punched him in his nose. A few days later my partner called me to tell me that the nose was broken.

 

Now it's been a year. I am still seeing my partner but his ex is still giving us a hard time. At the moment me and my partner are not seeing each other as he is very sick and can't drive due to medications. We haven't seen each other for 4 weeks and with his condition I fear that it will be longer until we meet. It breaks my heart that I can't go see him at home. I asked him to ask his ex if he is ready to forgive what I did and instead I got a reply from his say saying 'You should be ashamed of yourself. What ***** has is all stress related, thanks to you'

 

What my partner has is not stress related...he has prostrate problems so I took that text message very badly. I have asked for forgiveness multiple times only to get rejected every single time.

 

Christmas is coming and I am willing to ask for another apology so that we can all be together (most importantly me being with my partner) but I don't know if it's a good idea. Some help or perspective on this would be great. Also what is the best way to apologize?

 

My partner still calls me regularly when his ex is not around saying things like 'I miss you' "I love you"...the usual lovely dovey things.

 

I really don't know what to do. I love my partner and I don't think I am ready to let him go because of this situation.

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I am going to make a quick summary of your post:

 

1) You are seeing some much older than you (nothing wrong with this. It does present certain challenges)

2) This guy still lives with someone he had a long-term romantic relationship with.

3) His ex-partner and you have had at least on physical altercation

 

Honestly, once their is physical violence because of a relationship its is usually time to jump ship. I also highly advise against seeing someone who is still living with an ex. To me it sounds like he is playing you both. He is keeping his ex's hope alive and has a back up plan if things don't work out with you.

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Hi Moontiger, the age difference never presented any problems as he could adjust to my level and I could adjust to his. But you are dead right on the other points.

 

I have thought about jumping ship, but it's so hard as I am still in love with him.

 

Also when he first told me he was still living with his ex, I asked for a break. I needed time for myself to think about it. Eventually I gave it as he made promises that he wants to get out of the house, and that he is so bored of living in the house with his ex but he never made the right move to move in with me.

 

Good to mention that his ex has a long term partner too. You said 'he has a back up plan if things don't work out with you' and that is spot on. Since you mentioned it, now thinking way back I am remembering that the two times we had an argument he ran back home to his ex.

 

Deep down I feel that the relationship is dying...we haven't seen each other for 4 weeks...his messages are sometimes cold and just a few minutes ago he called for a good night and he was very short and cold. I really don't know if he is playing a game (together with his ex) to push me away and I will be the one who breaks things off or if he is being honest.

 

On the phone just now he told me that he might pop for a few hours to the office tomorrow (he has his own business). I kept silent when he said that but I was thinking 'hey, this man is not physically fit to come see me (a 20 minute drive), but he is good enough to go to the office...' Am I over analyzing the situation or? All I asked him was 'If you know that we will not meet again, please just be honest' his reply was 'Yes obviously we will meet once we feel better...'

 

I wish I could bang my head to a wall and forget all this.

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If things were all that platonic there wouldn't have been all this drama and jealousy that ultimately lead to a physical altercation. Hate to say this, but it sounds more likely that they have an open relationship where they each get to see other people on the side. It may be a little one sided, as in your guy is more happy about this arrangement and his "ex" is less happy or less willing and more possessive. Either way, it seems like you are a side dish in their relationship. If your guy wanted to move out and end things, he would have done so ages ago and certainly when he had an opportunity to move in with you. He hasn't, didn't, and doesn't. That should tell you everything you need to know. The only question you need to answer to yourself is whether you are fine with this or whether you deserve better and more.

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