1 month to stay in or leave my marriage.

[Soulsearcher26]

My husband and I are on the verge of divorce. Things have been terrible for a while and really went up in flames over the last month. 3 weeks ago he found out that I cheated on him. He spent the 3 days following this news putting all of my clothes and belongings in garbage bags (ruined half of them) and assassinating my character via text every 5 minutes (literally). There were hundreds of mean texts. I know it was just hurt coming out as anger, though. I stayed away from the house for a few days while he stewed. In this end, we decided to try to work out our marriage.

 

That was 3 weeks ago. Since then, he has been the sweetest, most loving and supportive person in the world. He has changed drastically. In spite of this, I have been feeling like I'm torn and being pulled in two different directions. I'm feeling like I want to leave and be on my own.

 

The thing is, we've been together for 4 years (married for 2) and prior to these last 3 weeks, he was completely apathetic in every aspect of our relationship. He never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. He would never accompany me to family events. He wasn't romantic or complimentary. There was a long stretch where he would become annoyed whenever I spoke to him. He really didn't make me feel special or loved. He refused to cuddle. He was selfish in bed. He was like the grinch on Holidays and never really believed in celebrating ANYTHING (accomplishments, anniversaries, etc). He also never showed emotion. That's probably one of the worst parts. He never got happy or excited about anything. He didn't care about having things to look forward to. He just kinda subscribed to the theory of doing what it takes to get through each day and then starting over. I can't describe how empty life with him was.

 

Despite all of these things, we had an okay/comfortable life together. We own a nice house with a very affordable mortgage. Our bills are always paid. We have zero money problems. A nice savings account. We lived nicely together- never fought. I did enjoy his company and liked coming home to him, but it was more like roommates. His apathy slaughtered my romantic feelings towards him. It's like we conquered all of the hard parts of life that most people fight about, but the normal relationship bond was where we were severely challenged.

 

I'm also really having trouble stopping my thoughts about the other guy. We'll call him B. I guess it was a mini affair (lasted about a month). He is the opposite of husband in every way. He's alive and full of emotions. He's passionate. I fell asleep in his arms the night after we had sex and he didn't let me go for a second. It felt amazing. Every time I would wake up and move, he would rub my finger or squeeze my hand and move closer to me. I can't describe how good this felt. Lately on the rare occasion when husband did cuddle with me, something just didn't feel right. There was an anxiousness in my bones. I wasn't at peace with it. But with B, it just felt incredibly right. B and I hung out a few times over the course of a month before sleeping together, so when we finally did, I guess there were already some feelings between us.

 

The thing is, if I leave, I'm not even sure that I would want to be with B. Sure, I would probably date him some and hang out. But currently the idea of being single and having my freedom and being able to go out as much as I want and stay out as late as I want, seems so appealing.

 

I keep picturing a cute little apartment with just me and my animals and the liberty to do anything I want and not having to answer to anyone. That seriously seems like a dream right now. But who knows, once I get all of that, I may just be lonely and want my old comfortable life and rock of a husband back. This is why I'm so confused.

 

I have really condensed all of this into like 1/100th of the entire story. Back to me being torn. Even though he's been trying to hard for the last 3 weeks and I'm the one who cheated, I feel like I don't want to be here or with him right now. I tried to leave again last night to sort my head out. I wanted to go stay with my mom for a week, but he freaked out and said I was breaking his heart- which in turn kinda broke mine.

 

I don't how to explain my feelings other than maybe a part of my love for husband died due to the neglect and I don't know if I can get it back. He is a good trustworthy loyal person that anyone would be lucky to have, despite his neglect. Not all marriages are perfect and I wonder if I'm too greedy and should just try to be happy with my simple little plain life and husband. There are people who have far less and far worse spouses and yet manage to be happy and thankful. He was never actively a bad person, or bad spouse. He just kind of didn't want to live his life.

 

 

I'm going to give it a month for husband and I. I'm going to try hard and see if I can be happy and document my feelings here so at the end of a month I can look back and make a decision. I truly am scared of losing him, but at the same time, everything inside of me is telling me I need to leave. But if he can continue acting how he's been since we decided to start over, maybe I can eventually be happy.

 

From the outside looking in, we pretty much have it all. I also know he'd never cheat on me or leave me and would be there for me if I ever needed him. There's a lot of good in our marriage to counteract the bad. I know plenty of girls would be happy to have my husband.

 

But at the end of the month, happiness is all that matters and if I can't find that within him, I need to move on.

[Soulsearcher26]

Today is the last day of my 4 day Thanksgiving vacation. I'm alone in the office reading forums and sulking. It's 3:30PM and I've had 3 glasses of wine and ate tons of food and am going to go take a nap now. Husband has offered to do many recreational things this weekend, but I'm just not interested for some reason. Can't stop thinking about B...