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What does this behaviour mean

Is there hope

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First off, some background information about myself


Mature graduate student keeping up with academic requirements while looking for a job.


Easy going and help eagerly wherever I can.



I have been in a relationship for 18 months. My girlfriend has informed me that she needs time to think and that she is loosing interest. I have helped her immensely with her academic obligations along with her recent professional ones as she just now secured her first job.


She has been speaking to someone behind my back for a few months now and I found out when she called me his name when she was drunk. Then on another occasion she said, “…that is why I cheated on you haha….” Did not really know how to react to that since at the time I thought is was the alcohol talking. (Am I in denial?). I did not confront her then so now I am struggling with how to do it…


Months ago I wanted to meet up with her and was told she was not able to since she was going on a family outing. Found her in town with her girlfriend and three guys. I was spoken to as if I was her friend back form high school in front of everyone. That really tore me apart. But I couldn’t walk away then….


Back home she would go to the other room and then talk to her girlfriend about this guy and even resorted to speaking in code (am I that stupid/do I deserve this…). I am aware people talk however why has this girl (who is recently single) so interested in my girlfriend’s relationship with me?


I find myself mad at her instead of being mad at my girlfriend.


Other mutual friends have confided to me how supportive I have been to her.


My girlfriend has now recently moved to the city and wishes not to live together as we have been so far and even tells says this to people we go out with in front of me.


She comments on my age and lack of a job in a very critical manner. I am spoken to very poorly and when I bring this to her attention she hangs up on me and accuses me of whining.


When I do/did things for her things would be a little smoother however I want to be more than a helper in someone’s life.


She says I have lied to her and would not explain when, since, she has more important things to do.


How can someone be so mean? Am I wrong to think this?


I feel she is unhappy with her life so lashes out at me.


On a trip we took to Europe she would ask me when I would buy her luxury goods and that any other girl would have run off.


I acknowledge that I block when she brings up my situation and have trouble masking it however, I still do not believe it gives her the right to be critical of me.


She has found something that affects me and uses it at will.


There are multiple occasions where she has spoken very poorly to me but I would not wish to write them here. The instances I have described above are painful/embarrassing enough to share already.


I just have the need to speak to someone and get my thoughts on paper anonymously.


Recently when she came to see me she said she loved me and would miss me over the weekend but would be back during the week and kissed me before she left.


Is this sincere after the history of bad treatment/actions from her side?


I have lost myself I believe.


Thankfully I go to the gym and this helps me stay healthy physically and I long to get psychologically fortified also.


Girlfriends ended previous relationships but I have never been in this predicament.


Why do I remain so passive? I am not happy for most of the time and witnessing this transformation of a woman I love is not easy at all!


Awaiting sincere insight from people with a similar experience.


Thank you very much.

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Exercising is good to help the stress. I believe you need to communicate to her how you feel. Use the I feel statements so it does not come off as you are accusing her. Also you may want to think about her past to try and see what is causing her to act like that. It will help you in the long run because you can have more empathy when relating to her.


As her treating you the way she does; no it's not right. She has you on an emotional roller coaster. I would say tread with caution because it looks like if the relationship ends you will be hurting a lot. I know this from my situation..

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She used you. You let her.

She cheated/is cheating on you. You are pretending it didn't happen and are turning a blind eye to it.

She doesn't respect you at all. You keep hanging around.

She is wiping her feet on you. You are happily playing doormat.

She has to pretend like she gives a rat's rear end sometimes, so she doesn't lose her doormat. You listen to the bs and kid yourself that she means any of it.

She is a gold digger. Seriously, what kind of a woman demands that you buy her expensive things? You put up with it.

She is out of line criticizing you. You stand by and let her destroy your self esteem.


There are so many reasons and so many times that you've listed here where you should dump her cold, it's not even funny. You have lost your self respect and self esteem with her. I think you need to find the guts to walk away, take time out for yourself, heal and find a decent woman for yourself at some point down the road. For now, you need to focus on your studies and finding a job and moving on up in life without a condescending, cheating, leech draining the life out of you. This is one of those cases, where I think once you are free of her, it will feel like a giant dark cloud just lifted from your head.

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There is Hope! For you! With someone else!


We can't tell her side of the story so it is hard to justify any of her actions. From what I see though, she is not in-tune with your mentality at this point. You have been academic and are now pursuing a career and are looking for a long-term commitment. It seems that she has other things in mind. She is looking for fun, fresh experiences and to be pampered. Do you need that in your life right now? Do you need someone talking to their girlfriends in code? Do you need a woman who gets drunk and calls you other men's name?


You went to Europe together and that was not enough? Think about your traits. That you work out and have dedicated your life thus far to bettering your future, you are looking for a stable future. Does she seem stable?


There are lots of questions here and you have all the answers. Is this right for you?


Love is terribly difficult. Love creates chemicals in your brain that mimic addictive behaviors. A man of your nature should find a fine balance between love in the chemical sense and love in the committed, logical sense as well.


Its to be said though, we are all here seeking some kind of relationship advice and my relationship is not all that great either. I just hope you are truthful to yourself.


Best of luck to you

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Had a talk together yesterday and decided to break up.


What puzzles me is that she wants to treat is as a 'break' so that in a few months when she has a clearer picture of her life etc to be able to then look into getting back to together...


I did not reply to that. We parted with her telling me that I am her rock since I have done so much for her....


Off to the gym. I am surprised I was not as devastated as I thought I would be.

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Sometimes it's actually a relief when an unhealthy relationship ends; I've come away from situations where I thought I was going to be eating my heart out, only to realise that the other person was so unpleasant to be around that I was better off, much better off, without them. Just make sure you don't go back into it, look at your own role in it (you can't be treated like a doormat unless you're already lying down) and make sure you don't allow yourself to be used like that by anyone else in the future.

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