Dealing with very difficult mother

[TroubledBrain]

Hello,

 

It's my first post here, but I'm in deep trouble right now. I shall tell the whole story and hope you can lend me a hand and give me advice on how to get through with this.

Well, my mother has spent most of her life using drugs, every single kind of them. This hasn't stopped her and she graduated and all, but she has had troubles working and so on. She has discovered NA and quit using drugs, and as a psychologist, she went on studying and is now an expert on chemical dependency. She is very strict regarding drugs, including alcohol, and more, we have been converted to the LDS church not long ago, first me, a bit more than one year ago, then her, last May.

I've had trouble with her regarding some episodes of binge drinking, but I was a teen most of the times (14-16) and now I'm 19.

I've started doing pot about last march, though, and throughout the time I've come from only seldom smoking with friends to smoking everyday, even alone, sometimes more than once a day. It has never had any negative effect on my studies, and actually it got my sleep pattern regulated and I'm doing better at school. However, things home went from bad to worse. I've been spending time locked in my room, I've barely spent time with mom last few months. Going is, she fought the smell and noticed a few behavioural patterns many times, but I managed to convince her she was paranoid about me doing pot (she was in deep denial out of fear of me being a pot head, that's why she believed me, because she wanted so hard to believe.

Last night, her 50th bday! she woke up 4 am in the morning and came to my room, and found me smoking. I've decided to quit, so I don't hurt her feelings anymore neither my family life even more, I'm being nice to her and so on. I think that the monetary impairments she has put me under is fair and just, as I've spent her money on pot and it's only fair that she stops giving me any money at all.

Yet, she thinks the only way to treat the addictive personality (she knows weed per se doesn't get people addicted, you gotta have the personality) is through NA, and I don't think I'm addicted and I think I can get all the help I need from God and her. I am not going to become a member of NA, and I'm not smoking pot again. Any advice on how to get my mom to get back to trusting me and being proud of me? I don't care about money, I want her trust as a mother and to make her proud, not disappointed.

 

P.S. I sang at choirs since I'm 6, and today, for the first time ever, she did not got emotional during my singing, and it really hit me. She sat and looked at me the whole time, disappointed face. This has really hit me like a kick to the stomach...

[Mesemene]

You could always do what my son did - he bought a home test kit and took the test in front of me every week.

 

He was smoking pot, spice, and dabbling in whatever else was available, and he's been clean for a couple of years now. As a parent, it was very hard to know he had done things so potentially destructive to his mind and body - and hard to trust he'd be able to stay away.

 

Could you maybe talk to your church leader and ask if he/she could see you for weekly counseling appointments to help out on both fronts - to give you an impartial ear and support - and see if that makes mom feel a bit better about your commitment as well?

[TroubledBrain]

You could always do what my son did - he bought a home test kit and took the test in front of me every week.

 

He was smoking pot, spice, and dabbling in whatever else was available, and he's been clean for a couple of years now. As a parent, it was very hard to know he had done things so potentially destructive to his mind and body - and hard to trust he'd be able to stay away.

 

Could you maybe talk to your church leader and ask if he/she could see you for weekly counseling appointments to help out on both fronts - to give you an impartial ear and support - and see if that makes mom feel a bit better about your commitment as well?

The church leader might not be a good idea, as it might forfeit some things on the church that can't be right now. I like the home testing thing though. Is it something one can get in a common drugstore? Does it cost a lot? And I'm willing to go see a psychiatrist she trusts. Maybe he'll treat my depression too, which was one of the wicks that got me on my bad habits. (Of course it's my choice and I'm responsible, I'm not trying to diminish my responsibility)

[lavenderdove]

Well, the first thing you need to realize is that due to your mother's history (and your biology/genetics), you have a very high risk of becoming a serious addict as your mother did. So your mother is not unrealistic in her fears. You may have not done it for years yet, but you took to it like a fish to water smoking every day and sometimes multiple times a day as soon as you started using it. So you are showing prime behavior for a 'baby' addict who just hasn't hit full blown 'entrenched' addict status, but you are showing addictive behavior that shows you WILL lose total control of it before long if you keep it up.

 

I don't believe 100% that AA and NA are for everyone because research has not proven that they are the 'best/only way to treat addiction. But NA/AA followers are quite into it, so your problem now is that your mother will see you as being 'at risk' unless you join that organization. My suggestion is that you suggest SOME kind of program, perhaps going to a psychologist for sessions and to treat your depression, and agreeing to random drug tests at a time of her choosing. She needs to see that you are serious about staying clean, and you are dealing with your problems in an appropriate manner rather than just ignoring them.

 

But you can expect to be in the dog house for a long time because of this, and definitely as long as you are under her roof. So i suggest you toe the line and take steps to reassure her you are both willing to get treated and to stay clean and take the fact very seriously that you are high risk for drug addiction and hence will not do drugs at all. That is the safest course for you, and the best way to win her trust again, to make the commitment to do NO drugs at all, and get tested randomly to prove you are staying clean.

[Mesemene]

Yes, you can get home tests in your local drug store - they're about 10-20 dollars I believe.

 

link removed

there's one example

 

And maybe going to the psych she trusts would be an appropriate compromise. I agree with Lavender - NA/AA have a lot of success stories and people who swear by their programs and support - but - there's no one size fits all. And it may not be for everyone.

 

That said - some of them will allow you to observe/sit in on a meeting without committing as long as you're willing to respect the member's anonymity.

[TroubledBrain]

My mother doesn't want to give in. For her, I have a personality disorder, and my character is one of an "addict". I'm not buying into this NA stuff, I don't want to be stigmatised for the rest of my life. It's never really anonymous, as people talk. What can I do? She said that stop using pot won't do the trick, and that my personality this and my personality that, and that I am sick and all. No way, I don't ing want it. I'd rather kill myself and condemn myself to outer darkness (kinda like hell, according to LDS religion) than go to NA. She is so stubborn, she can't see how weed is not even a big deal. For a start, if she wasn't so strict I'd never have had the need to lie to her. It's not a inherently faulty character, it's simply that when one does something forbidden, one will hide it. It's not like I'm a slave to drugs. I don't even feel yearning for weed, I just used to do it a lot because I'm bored a lot of time. But no, she won't listen...

[lavenderdove]

Well, if you have enough time to use weed all the time and live with your mother, perhaps it is time to move out and use your spare time to work a job and support yourself rather than having her do it. If you don't want to live by her rules while in her house, then the solution is that you move out and start supporting yourself. Once you do that, you can do as you please.

 

But don't expect to stay in her house and smoke weed and not go to NA if she feels so strongly about it. You are of legal age and she doesn't have to support you or let you live in her house unless she wants to, so it is unrealistic to expect to continue to live there but live by your own rules rather than hers. And if your drug use means her rules now are that you must go to NA and you don't want to, then it's an easy choice and obviously time for you to move out and take responsibility for yourself. Start looking for a job and perhaps for a shared house with other roommates where you can live for cheap. If you are in school, you can support yourself with student loans and part time jobs if need be (or a full time one while studying online or nights and weekends). The price you pay for freedom to do as you please is supporting yourself. If you don't want to support yourself financially, then you'll need to live by your mother's rules.

[lavenderdove]

>>she can't see how weed is not even a big deal.

 

Actually, it is a big deal to lots of people, especially if drug addiction runs in the family. Nobody usually starts with heroin, they start with 'lighter' drugs, enjoy them, then move on to others, as your own mother did.

 

And pot is notorious for sapping people's motivation and drive, and many potheads end up stuck in low paying minimum wage jobs for life because it is hard to smoke constantly and still stay engaged/interested/ambitious enough to do anything else including holding down a good job that has more than marginal responsibility like a minimum wage job does. Pot use becomes their reason for being, and what they seek, and they lose interest in other things like careers.

 

So for YOU it seems like it's not a big deal, but you're young and haven't actually had to support yourself and be an adult yet. So if you really want to do your own thing, then you can, but you'll have to pay the price for that and move out of your mother's house. You're obviously not going to convince her that pot is 'no big deal' or that you aren't starting on the same bad road she started on years ago and wishes she hadn't.

[TroubledBrain]

I'm in uni, but I can't get a student loan. Thing is that I'm in a public university (it's worth mentioning I live in Brazil) and here, if you're already in a public uni (here those are the best and hardest to get into) you can't get a loan. And I've been looking for jobs for a year, but as I've never had a job before it's hard to get one...no experience. And also, yes, I've agreed upon not smoking weed at all anymore. I just don't want to go to NA...

 

BTW I do very well at uni and get good grades, never skip classes and stuff.

[Reflective82]

Weed is a massive deal. Like Lavender dove says, it turns a lot of people who smoke it into lazy, unmotivated bums. My brother has developed mental problems because of his habit and has pyschotic rages. If I had a child and he ever smoked it, I'd go insane. Every guy I know with a weed habit is a complete loser

[lavenderdove]

Well, going to NA may be the price you have to pay for getting caught smoking weed in your mother's house... you can try to talk her out of it, but it honestly wouldn't kill you to go once a week or whatever it takes to calm her down again. Trust has to be re-earned, and that won't happen instantly if she is really against drugs, and you were using them in her house knowing what trouble she's had with them and how she feels about it. You just might have to suck it up and go if you don't have other options to financially support yourself. You really should have thought about this before you started smoking in her house... this is just the consequence of that unwise behavior.