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Venting about lost relationship 2 months on...


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So I still miss my ex a lot and it's about 2 months since we stopped talking.

 

He was jealous, controlling and emotionally abusive-particularly in the end whilst I had got a job and he had started uni (he is 33). I knew something was wrong with him by this point I was certain but he kept apologising, making promises and saying he would work on his problems. Then he dumped me.

 

He did not have anyone else in the radar, he's shy socially, very insecure and has not had many relationships/sex with many women.

 

He seemed to have done it as some sort of form of punishment (the abusive cycle was going around so fast he was paranoid about anything and everything with me). And it all feels like another element of his web of abuse to me. However he has not come back or contacting me in 2 months now.

 

I know I should just be happy and move on but I really can't.

 

I am in counseling and am dealing with my issues of relationships with controlling people but I really did love him and I do not know how to get past that.

 

I miss the physical contact like a mad person. We were always touching-I am not like this with anyone else and never have been.

 

I don't understand how he has stayed away from me either. He spent the whole relationship being very needy and was always scared I would leave him. I guess he may have done it because he thought I might dump him. Which is true.

 

Anyway. I am just in hell and the more time that goes by the more it sinks in that he's not contacted me for so long and it just breaks my heart that he can do that. I suppose he may be going through a similar thing-who knows what he's going through! He went crazy and horrible

 

I had a really good chat with a friend last night who's father abused his family a lot. He however never became abusive himself-he knew he could do-mainly because his father actually taught him how to dominate people with power-literally-but he chose not to, he wanted to protect people and deal with his issues for himself. He sais that my ex took the wrong path-he can see his suffering-but he made those choices himself and he is a ****.

 

I still feel lonely though. So intensely lonely that I feel like hiding away from the world all the time. If I actually stop and think about the nice times we had I feel like I can't go on.

 

Why can't I live without him?

 

I do think he will appear someday. Who knows when. Years maybe. But that is no consolation. I just do believe he won't find anyone who will deal with what I dealt with. And I was far too good to him and am far too good for him. That is why I believe he will come back. But that is not what I want.

 

I want to be ok. I want to be ok with being single. I reaaallly want to kiss him again

 

I should get off the computer, I know. I'm just venting. I feel bad talking to my friends about it all the time. I have stopped doing so so much now but it's always in my mind and in my body torturing me.

 

Funnily enough the friend I talked to he pushed me away romantically a few years ago and i always wondered why. He told me he was scared of me because he had never met someone so clever and he fancied me a lot but he pushed everyone away then because he was unhappy and couldn't deal with anyone else's problems. It meant a lot to me him saying that.

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Vent here as much as you want. I feel the same as you about my ex. I'm just a few days over 2 months post BU and about 6 days since the last time I have heard from her.

 

It's hard, but know that you're not alone.

 

If i could hug you through the computer, I would.

 

I, too, miss the physical contact. I'm a very touchy-feely person and so was she. I miss her smell and the way her body felt against mine when we embraced.

 

Keep up with the counseling, I'm going through that as well. Just keep on doing what you can do to cope and help yourself.

 

You can live without him. I can live without her. Our lives existed before we met our exes and they will continue to exist without them. It's hard to accept that they will not be in our future but life goes on.

 

I don't know if this helps, but it helped me a bit. In my neighborhood, I have seen this man walking around with shopping bags. He didn't seem like he was homeless but the other day, while I was putting gas in my car, he walked passed me, hesitated, came back and with shame in his eyes, he asked me for a few dollars and said he was homeless. I did not have any cash on me and said I didn't have any money to give him. The look of disappointment in his eyes shot through me. He walked off in the cold night. At that moment, I felt that my heartbreak with my ex can't compare with what he must be going through. So I am trying to keep things in perspective, but it is hard at times.

 

You sound a lot like me but take comfort to know that we're in this together. That's what this site is for.

 

Take care of yourself.

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Thanks deejay.

 

I feel your pain.

 

I seem to have this thing where I have to tell myself he will or he does regret leaving me. And I will hear from him one day in the future. At least, it will be from curiosity because I have decided not to beg and to not have any contact with him. Which should annoy him. It's not a tactic to me, I just think that is what will happen with him.

 

I know that I am better off out of the relationship really but it's all some mind game with him and I think he has acted out of some sort of mad insecurity. Wanting me to feel the insecurity that he does everyday.

 

He is a very troubled person.

 

Anyway for some weird reason that helps me. It means I can just tell myself I don't need to worry about what he's doing etc.

 

My friend is amazed that I still care about him. He really was. It's a wake up call for me when people respond that way to the way I am feeling.

 

I was just thinking whilst I was out that it's dangerous to go looking for someone if all you want it physical closeness/closeness in general desperately. Because you'll end up with the someone with the same issues in that way-someone who just wants sex/to treat you as a possession. So I'm gonna try and push through my longings because I really really do not feel like getting hurt anymore right now. I wish I knew how you find someone to be in a good relationship with though! I just don't know! Where the hell are all the nice, good looking, interesting men?! Or are they just a myth?

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I seem to have this thing where I have to tell myself he will or he does regret leaving me. And I will hear from him one day in the future. At least, it will be from curiosity because I have decided not to beg and to not have any contact with him. Which should annoy him. It's not a tactic to me, I just think that is what will happen with him.

 

It helps to think that at the start, i did every day too till about maybe 6 months (tomorrow I'm 8 months in).... then i just gave up lol and giving up and giving your full self and drive to not trying to change anything and just letting things be really helps the process.

 

I wish I knew how you find someone to be in a good relationship with though! I just don't know! Where the hell are all the nice, good looking, interesting men?! Or are they just a myth?

 

they exist, i know for a fact they do, all 17 of my close male friends are all catches (non are abusive, all are nice, all have degrees, attractive, social, etc etc), half of them including myself are going through 6+ months post breakup, the others are all taken.

 

but you're not ready for another relationship like you've said yourself. get yourself back first and then you'll know what to look out for next time.

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I'm not trying to change anything. I have just left everything as it is from when we last spoke. Didn't contact any of his friends, didn't send any messages/emails and he has no idea what I am doing.

 

I suppose I want him to change but he will not. I do know that.

 

But it still helps to remind myself he's just not capable of a relationship and that's why he's gone off. And he will discover someone like me who gave him so much does not grow on trees. And people will not put up with his abusive behavior largely.

 

I knew he would not be right from the start but I was vulnerable and trying to distract myself from the grief of my brother passing away and other stuff so I went on a date with him. I then got ill (from grief no doubt-I got an ecoli infection) and he stuck around which meant a lot to me and I thought it meant he was a good guy. I was wrong. But I was probably purposely blinding myself from his bad traits because I needed the attention he was giving me. I really really needed it. And he never meets girls...I'm the only girl other than 1 other he's gone out with for 10 years and he met the other one online. But STILL he's made me feel paranoid (like he was always) that he's off with someone else now.

 

I suppose he just feels like he has more control this way.

 

He's just a child. It just amazes me that people can behave in such a horrible way to people who are vulnerable.

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