We were best friends with feelings...now eight years later?

[JRay1980]

Hi everyone. I am looking for some advice on a very complicated situation I am in. in 2005 I Started working for a new company. I quickly became very good friends with a man that was in my training class. He was 8 years older than myself. At the time, I was 25, with a boyfriend. My male friend and I were SO much alike. We hung out all the time after work alone and with other people. We had so much in common, we had an amazing connection. Each time we hung out, I started to feel a pull- there was amazing chemistry. He would some times touch me (only little things here and there) and my entire body would respond. I would often catch him looking at me in ways you would not look at just a "friend". After a couple of months, my boyfriend left to move to the mid-west for work. Him and I were having issues, so we decided to take a break. My friend was aware of this, and things progressed with us. We were getting so close. I never felt the way he made me feel. One night we kissed several times and touched a little, but I was so afraid to cross that line with him because I didn't just feel sexual towards him, I had so many feelings so I left before it led to sex. At the end of a few months, my exboyfriend announced that he wanted to get back together with me. I decided to tell my friend. As soon as he found out my ex wanted to get back with me he immediately asked if I would like to date him. Without thinking, I shot him down. I don't know what made me do it- I think I was afraid to hurt my ex boyfriends feelings- it was really immature to do, but I really wanted to be with my friend. Instead I turned him down- I could tell he was crushed- as much as I liked him and wanted to be with him- I didn't listen to my heart. After that things immediately changed- we stopped spending time with each other only a little bit here and there. He didn't call me as much or text. It was clear he wanted more, so he just distanced himself from me. A few months later, he left work. We lost touch for several years until he found me on facebook. When he found me, I have since married (same guy who i got back with then) and I now have a child. He was engaged to be married. We casually chatted and after about 9 months of chatting here and there we met up for coffee. By the time we met up his fiance has left him for someone else. He was hurt. We tried to make plans for several months but never got to connect again. One night about 2 months ago, we started chatting online and things finally came out. Although I am married, he finally told me how he used to feel about me. Obviously I knew he liked me cuz of the way he was with me and he asked me out, but I never knew the extent. He said he had a insane attraction to me, wanted me very badly. He said he was still very attracted to me, still thinks of me that way but that I have a husband and so that was that. He said he is seeing someone and that he still wants me in his life. I miss him so much and I want to be good friends with him again- he is now 41, I am 33. He said that he wants to spend time with me and such, but he never makes much of an effort to spend time with me. My question is- is it possible he is somewhat distancing himself from me because he still has feelings for me and doesn't want to risk developing stronger feelings by spending time with me? I have been waiting to tell him in person that my husband and I are divorcing- I don't feel like it would be something good to discuss over email. How ever, I can't even really get him to hang out he either is always busy or something comes up. I don't think it's because he doesn't want to see me, I think he's avoiding me because of his feelings and not wanting to be hurt. What is the general thoughts? To me, the fact that we both have feelings still after 8 years that we never got to see what happened, is huge. That doesn't happen a lot- and I think we owe it to ourselves. I never connected with anyone that way, not even my husband. We both remember details of the times we spent together, we've always just thought about each other and now we finally have a chance to reconnect, but I feel like something is holding him back. It takes him hours to text me back, if at all. When he does, he asks me to see him then backs out. I don't think he's doing the typical guy thing. I feel to me, he is trying to protect himself from getting hurt again. It's so confusing.

[CatsMeeoow]

I'm a true believer that people come into your life for a reason... Sometimes the reason is not what we think it is. Perhaps his only role is a wake up call.

 

I've had those relationships with men... you know those chance meeting up at the oddest times. He's going through something... I'm going through something. You lose touch but never the attraction and then by chance bump into each other again via facebook or in person. I used to act on them thinking they were "fate" but ultimately what I've built up in my mind about him and vice versa over the years turns out not to be reality. The whole thing was overhyped by your over active imagination. That's not to say that the person never gave you goosebumps but that not knowing factor made it so much sexier!

 

Now that I'm older when I have these experiences I just smile and enjoy it for what it is... leaning on someone when you are in transition is okay. Heck, you can learn so much about yourself in the process which is in my opinion the whole reason we have these experiences to begin with.

 

I think his reminiscing with you was his way showing you how much he was enamored by you and wanted to share it now that he was distanced from it and didn't have to be embarrassed for his crush. He is seeing someone and you are going through a divorce. If it was "fate" you would have met up when you both were single and free. I think there is a reason he isn't making plans to hang out with you... he does want his distance. And, truly if you use him as an emotional crutch to get you through your divorce it would probably kill any long term relationship potential.

 

I'm sorry for your divorce... especially since you have a child. Focus on yourself and child right now.

[ParisPaulette]

Wait, didn't you already ask this question previously: ? See my answer there.

[JRay1980]

i did but did not get as many responses as I hoped for and thought it was due to posting in the wrong area.

[Kendahke]

You know, at every crossroad where you had the opportunity to take the road which led to him, you took a path in the opposite direction.

 

You right now have the chance to be honest with him, yet you want to withhold and send him off in a direction away from you. Yet, you complain that he isn't chasing you down; he isn't texting you like you'd like--well, gee! I wonder why? You're not even throwing him a bone.

 

Instead of running away at breakneck speed from that which you claim you want, TELL HIM YOU ARE DIVORCING EVEN IF IT'S IN AN EMAIL!!!! My god! It's not confusing. You're acting like you dont' want to be bothered with him---you're sending mixed signals. Figure it out already! Be with him if he's who you want to be with!! Of course he's protecting himself from you---you dish out hurt in spades as far as he's concerned.

 

From your other thread:

 

 

 

He is not going to want to be in your life just to be your friend or an ornament. He's going to want a sexually reciprocal relationship with you because he's got feelings for you. If you can't do that, then leave him alone and quit dealing with him forever. Stop being cruel. You're just being selfish if you think that you're supposed to get him and his attention on your terms alone. He has every reason and right to avoid you--you're not offering him anything worth him breakin a sweat to be with you. Just talk? That's all you want? Well, it looks like he wants more and if you're not in a place to give more, then you need to just stop all of this foolishness and selfishness until you are in a position where you can give him what he needs. It's not fair to expect him to go without just so you won't feel lonely and neglected.

[JRay1980]

I know, but I text him last night at 4 pm, here it is over 24 hours later and he didn't respond. I asked if he wanted to see me before I leave town for a couple months for work. I want to get it all out, but he won't return texts.

[ParisPaulette]

So send him a letter and be done with it. A phone call is actually better, but he may not take that if he isn't responding to texts. BTW the whole text thing--put that on park, they're very impersonal and sort of more for casual keeping in touch. If you need to say something from the heart a phone or letter will always be the better way to go. He will either respond or he won't, but it's time to jump off the proverbial cliff and tell him what's in your heart. Good luck, I really do hope you two find each other one way or another. But you will both have to set aside your fears to do that.