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Lied about my past, now trying to mend things


gray917

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I am sorry if this is long, but I'm really looking for some insight on my situation;

 

While I was in high school I was promiscuous and made mistakes that have been a burden on me and I regret them, I have changed for the better, I have become a conservative old fashion kind of person. Four years later I have met my wonderful boyfriend, who is religious (Jewish), consevative, we met online and had a real connection. When we met for the first time we really clicked and eventually we fell in love. Since he is religious he had explained to me this relationship was serious and he was looking to marry, mind you I come from a non religious hispanic family and he is Israeli, and we had discussed the subject of me converting. I lied about my past number of partners to him because I knew he would not have given me the chance if i told him the truth. It had been killing me and I was thinking of how to tell him because I had so much guilt hiding something from the person I love.

 

His younger brother happens to be a hacker and found a way to get into my deleted facebook account and told my boyfriend all about my past by reading through my messages. I admitted to everything when my boyfriend confronted me about it. I felt so awful I knew i hurt him so bad. I begged him to give me the chance to regain his trust. He told me that he would keep telling people we were together but the moment he feels that I have given up we're done.

 

Now its been about 5 days since the whole debaucle. It's been quite a roller coaster. I feel like I am trying to put a puzzle back together in the dark. He has lashed out at me and called me disgusting and used and he says he doesn't believe that it can be fixed. I tell him I won't give up because I love him. He tells me he fell in love for a lie. I deal with all the jabs he's dealt calmly because I know he's hurt and it kills me I betrayed his trust. I also mailed him a letter. He refused to see me in person, and its been so hard to not see him I feel like part of me is missing. He tells me that it would be hard for his culture to accept me and this was not the life he wanted. Then he randomly texts me he loves me and forgives me. Yesterday he recieved my letter in the mail and he actually called me and started joking with me like we used to. Then we chatted online a bit then he lashed out again. I called him and he said he really hopes I can fix this but its the consequence of my lying and that no one thinks that I can fix this. Today we spoke normally and he told me he missed me. I know things aren't going to magically change in a course of days or weeks.

 

I am really at a lost, I want to fix it because I truly love him and it kills me that I hurt him. But I know with his background, culture, and religion its hard to accept me, and his father knows about this but not his mother. His family lives in Israel, but he lives in the States. His friends also know. He says that he wants me to fix it but doesn't think I can.

 

Please any insight would be helpful

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Wow, your bf is such an a**hole. He probably told his brother to hack into your old account.

YOU are the one who should be angry with him for hacking into your fb. What you did is in the past and it's non of his business, it happened before you even met him. If you aren't comfortable sharing things about your past (that have no impact on your present) than that's your prerogative! I told my bf about some things 2 or more years into the relationship, when I was comfortable enough to share. We all have done something we aren't proud of but it's not fair for those events to stigmatize our future if we've done everything in our power to change the error of our ways.

 

The way he treats you now is just NOT acceptable!!! If he's such a prestine religious person than he should be able to forgive you, that's what every religion tells us. But instead he's acting like a self-righteous a**hole.

Also him telling about your past to everyone who'd listen is wrong on so many levels.

 

You obviously have problem with self-esteem and that's why you are not just letting him get away with this abusive behavior but also you believe you deserve it. You DON'T deserve it, you have done a HUGE step in your life by changing yourself. You should be proud of yourself not feel guilty about your past. You need to learn to forgive yourself and to respect the person you've become. Don't let some religious self-righteous j**k humiliate you.

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Don't 'crawl' or be apologetic to him any more. Ok he knows your past now and if he can't accept it then he should let you go and you would have to accept that. It wouldn't work if he stayed with you yet from time to time lashed out about your past. It has to be one thing or the other, he accepts it and doesn't keep bringing it up or he can't accept it and he leaves. There's no way his family and friends should be in on this personal stuff, he's gone too far there. You should not have been put in that position of having others judge you. I do think it's fair though that he knows about your past, given that it's a dealbreaker to him, but on the other hand you should hold your head up and if he rejects you it's his loss. If it was me I would let him go and wait for someone who would not judge me and have his whole family and culture judge me!

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I would let this one go and move on. It takes TWO. You cannot fix this on your own. It doesn't sound like he has in him what it takes to fix this. This man is a just lesson, not the person you are meant to spend your life with. In the future, you should NEVER lie about your past. You are under no obligation to disclose details of your past but lying is a whole other issue. Lying to be accepted is asking for pain. That's what you did wrong in this case. Not your past.

 

However, this does not justify his behavior. Hacking into your account was plain creepy. This family have huge issues of their own. Plus, calling you 'disgusting and used' is inexcusable. Sounds to me that he has been conditioned all his life to view women in a certain derogatory way, and you cannot go against a lifetime of brainwashing. I would let this one go and in the future never lie again to be accepted by a man. Sorry to say that he is not the 'one' for you. The 'one' will accept you as you are, warts and all. Please break up with him and never jump hoops like that for someone who finds your past as an excuse to mistreat you. Nomatter what your past is, a good person will never mistreat you. Sorry to say that he is not a good person. Good luck!

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he can choose to forgive you or he can choose to not forgive you--but if he's as religious as he claims he is, then he is commanded to forgive, so either he gets with the program or he's as big a liar as he's trying to make you out to be.

 

It wasn't any of his or his brother's business what you did when you were younger. That was your own business.

 

And his whole over-dramatic mess about what his culture would accept is so non sequitur because you're not dating his culture---you're dating him and there is no reason for anyone but you and possibly your boyfriend to know about your past in the first place, so why are is his culture even being brought into this? And how is it that his friends and the rest of his family knows? His big mouth, busy-body, nosey eff of a brother, that's how.

 

Look at it this way: do you want to build a life with a man who cannot think for himself and be his own man? Do you want a grown man who goes begging for acceptance from his daddy and mommy or do you want a grown man who sees the woman that you are today and sees the changes and progress you've made from a foolish bit of behavior in your teens that you no longer do? You are not used nor are you disgusting. A man who cannot forgive is a man who is crippled by his own intolerance and you will end up resenting him in the long run.

 

There is no way for you to fix this because it requires spinning the earth backwards to the moment before you decided to do what you did back then and that's never going to happen. What's done is done--and what was done was never any of his business in the first place. You have a right to your history; you have a right to the path that has given you the experience you now have where you see it was not wisdom to continue carrying on the way you were. You made a change and you started doing better once you knew to do better.

 

I would try to find a way to have his brother prosecuted for "Interception of a communique in transit" and hacking--report him to Facebook and let their lawyers deal with him. Really. I would find some kind of way to crush that little bug.

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Ugh, this guy sounds horrible. Be thankful you aren't going to marry him, because his brother is going to be breaking into your email for the rest of your life, reporting back to his brother, ugh!!

 

He has lashed out at me and called me disgusting and used and he says he doesn't believe that it can be fixed.

 

You should take this as his final answer. You made mistakes in high school (who hasn't!?) but he thinks you are "disgusting and used" because you are not a virgin? Ok, bye, good riddance! This is really a fundamental issue, I've seen it so much on here. If a guy can't get past it, he can't get past it. He wants a virgin, you are not, there's really nothing to work on here. I think he's really narrow minded and disgustingly old fashioned, but whatever.

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Adding my 2 cents to the majority - while you were wrong to lie to him - HE crossed into "what the H?" territory having his brother open your FB account. And now he wants to hold mistakes you made in HIGH SCHOOL over your head like you're the only teenaged girl who's ever screwed the pooch with her self esteem and sex as a teen.

 

Disgusting? His attitude is disgusting. His behavior is reprehensible. He's just shown you he has no respect for your privacy, and no respect for you.

 

I called him and he said he really hopes I can fix this but its the consequence of my lying and that no one thinks that I can fix this.

 

"No one?" Is this guy not capable of keeping matters between you - between you two?

 

Do you want to have his family in the middle of your marriage speculating on what you could be doing every time you have lunch with your manager, a client, or a co-worker?

 

Does he not see he has more than his own share of "fixing" to do? This isn't the Victorian age, where you could use chicken blood on the sheets to pretend virginity. Either he can accept you HAD A PAST (there's a shocker!) before him, or he can't. And I have to say, I sincerely doubt he's a virgin himself honey!

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How on earth are you supposed to fix a lie? He sounds like a donkey to be honest with you.

 

Even if what he says is true that his brother hacked into an old account of yours, how on earth would you ever feel comfortable marrying into that family knowing the brother would now be related to you?

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I don't think he will ever let this go. Hell probably marry you alright but then hold this against you forever. The reality is your not compatable and hes being v nasty and unfair to you right now. Yes you lied which was wrong but calling you used, dirty, making you feel ashamed is worse.. if he really believes that then theres nothing you can do or say to change his mind.

 

I just hope he doesnt have double standards. If hes slept with as many as you then hes a hypocrite btw. But if he hasnt and he told you from the start he wants someone like him then thats a big deal and i dont blame him for being angry.

 

Id feel the same as him in this situation tbh. I expect totally honesty and if i found out my bf had lied about his past, i would break up with him. I wouldnt stay, use it against him and punish him though thats wrong. Id just leave

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We were both on the same page that I was not a virgin, I lied about the number of partners I had

 

Honestly - if you'd had 2 or 22, it shouldn't matter.

 

You had guys in your past. So what? He had girls. Just because he had girls - would it occur to you to think he was somehow lower than dirt if he'd had a large number?

 

Yes, lying to him was wrong, and all you can do about that is apologize and promise to tell him the truth, even unsavory. But part of a relationship is accepting your partner sometimes makes HUMAN errors in judgement. From what you say, you weren't seriously involved when you glossed over your past. Now, in hindsight, when you did start getting more serious, you should have brought it up and told him now that you're more closely involved, you were ready to trust him with the complete truth of your past.

 

But if high school was only 4 years ago - you're quite young. And mistakes and misjudgements are part of growing up and learning.

 

What bothers me the most about this is that he's not taking any responsibility for his part in this. Looking through anything of yours without your express permission is WRONG. Even if you were married - I NEVER advocate snooping. If he was worried you were hiding something, he could have ASKED you. Instead, he and his brother decided to go through the equivalent of your underwear drawer.

 

Ick.

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Nope, nay, never.

 

Why? Because if you find nothing, you've destroyed your partners faith in you over your own insecurities. OT I know, but something I feel VERY strongly about. My ex was the "cheating rat" and his guilt pushed him to try and justify it - which he did by going through everything of mine.

 

There was nothing to find.

 

But while I'd been willing to get counseling and try and get past the cheating, him not taking my word for my loyalty - when trust was all I had left - destroyed me.

 

If you suspect cheating - confront, communicate. If there's something to hide - it WILL show in attitude, in forgotten niceties, or conversely, in extra attention that seems OTT in an attempt to compensate. If it's gone so far you feel you have to snoop, your relationship is probably past salvaging.

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Here's the thing about snooping - you have to do something with that information. The bf (ex now?) snooped via his brother. He found out that she was lying about the number of partners she had. She found out that his brother is a technological whiz and can (and will!) snoop on her again. The thing is - whether you discover someone is lying to you, or you discover nothing, you need to DO something with that information. Personally, I don't think he will be able to get past 1) the lying, 2) the number of lovers she's had in the past.

 

I've seen men come on here and complain that their gf of 3, 4, 5, etc... years has been with "too many men." They've known about her previous lovers for a long time, they thought they could get past it, but they just can't. Save yourself the time and effort. That's what I tell those guys. If they found out she went out with X men, and that's too much for them to handle, don't waste 5 years of her life while you are wrestling with the thoughts of X penises in her body. I have a feeling you will try to work things out with him anyway, and I wish you luck. I hate to sound so pessimistic, but I doubt that things will work out in your favor.

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Him and I are still together, we have normal conversations and he still tells me he loves and misses me, the past two days have been normal, but I think we owe it to each other to have a conversation in person before we make a choice to walk away or not.

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