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8 years down the cra**er!


Sexee

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I am very confused about a guy named "Ted". Ted and I started to see eachother right at the end of high school. We were never a couple because he said he wasn't looking for anything. I still hung around him hoping that would change. It didn't, he only used me for sex. He would say that he wanted more than just sex with me, but at the end of the day, what really mattered was his actions. I stopped messing with him after a few months of rejection and then I got married - yes, married (that's another story). He tried contacting me while I was married (and moved away) saying that he wanted to hang out with me and my husband when we were back in town. I moved back to my home-town with my husband after leaving for 6 months and Ted has never stopped trying to talk to me. I had to block him on Myspace, then Facebook several times. I went as far as meeting with him but we never took it anywhere other than just a hang out. My husband cheated on me and left me, of course I ran to Ted immediately. Again, he used me and then forgot about me. He disappeard. I got back with my husband for the sake of my little boy and not wanting to face such a failure AND I did love him. Fast forward 3 years later and my husband and I are sparated again (for similar issues) but I am now in another state than Ted. I feel so burned out from Ted's games and I felt like I had moved on for about a year now, but all of a sudden he re-appears telling me he's missed me and always thought about me. He said he wanted to start talking, hanging out, and then become exclusive - this was the very first time he has ever expressed any desire to want to be serious with me.

 

I asked him about the distance and he said we would cross that bridge when we got there. Aren't we there already? Now, he won't text me and even acts like he's not interested in me. What the hell? Why would he waste 8 years CHASING ME for nothing? Once he gets my attention, he leaves. If it's just sex that he wants, he should say it. It doesn't mean it will be what I want, but at least I'll know he's not playing me. He has told me it's more than just sex many times, but where's the actions? Both of us think about eachother. When he sees me in person he has a stupid look on his face and it becomes all about me, but he won't be with me! 8 years is too long to be confused about it right? Maybe you guys can knock some sense into me.

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Yes, 8 years is way too long an no, Ted hasn't now com to his senses or changed. He's just figured out another way to try and sucker you into letting him come and then go again as it pleases him. If he hasn't done anything, but chase you and then get sex and then disappear in 8 years of knowing you then that's all he's ever going to do. I know, because I was with one of those for 6 years and finally I just had enough. Of course Ted realized at some point that you'd likely had enough too, so now he's switched tactics to saying what he knows you want to hear. Does he have any intention of backing those words up with actions? No, because there's something wrong with Ted in the first place. Normal people with healthy attachments and empathy don't use others, they don't blow hot and cold, they are consistent in their love for you.

 

I know it doesn't make sense to you, because you don't derive the same pleasure that Ted does from the chase and the whole blowing hot and cold. It's a game to him or an ego boost to know that he can chase you, then dump you, then do it again and again for eight years. And it also gets to be a very bad habit for him and you both. Chances are pretty good right now he's chasing you, because life isn't going so good for him. So he's going to run to you, reassure himself that yes he's still got something after all if he can get you back after the way he's mistreated you, and then when his ego is healed and he feels better he'll leave yet again. Until the next time.

 

To that end you can either choose to keep going to back to him each time he shows up only to be hurt again, and never really heal and move on. Or you can do what I do now with my ex and in those times when he inevitably contacts me still convinced that sooner or later he'll wear me down into saying yes again, because he has to convince himself he's that irresistible, you just say no. A simple, "I'm over you" and then dead silence from that point forward will help you get free. You go full NC, you delete and block any means of communication and you decide you're going to treat Ted with the same manner and tactics as you do that annoying telemarketer who tries to bully you into buying bogus magazine subscriptions if you let them get you on the phone. In short you never let him reach you and you never reach back, ever again.

 

One article that might help you understand a bit more of why Ted does what he does is this one: link removed

 

Also I would urge you to look into some sort of counseling or soul searching or self-help guidance to understand why you've found yourself ending up with toxic men. I say that not to criticize, but to tell you sincerely as a woman who used to do just that herself. That way whenver Ted or anyone like him comes along you'll be able to say "no thanks" before it becomes a major issue. Good luck and I hope I've at least made you stop and ask yourself why Ted deserves any more chances, because I think you deserve alot better than that.

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Glad I could help, even if just a little bit. Like I said I've been there, I know how hard it can be to just let go of them and move on. It's just that sooner or later you get so fed up that eventually you want nothing to do with them. The good news is once you get to that point you really don't. I saw my ex several times at social events after breaking it off for the final time and I found myself actualy sort of cringing at the thought he'd ever meant anything to me. I was with someone new who was just a much nicer, better person all the way around and when I compared him to the ex there was no contest. I'd moved on and gotten over it and my ex was still hoping I'd come back to him. I just felt embarrassed at both of us. You will be fine, just give yourself plenty of space and move on to better and bigger things.

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