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I think I've become emotionally unavailible...


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How do you identify the signs of being emotionally unavailable?

 

I really think issues with my ex have made me this way. My ex and I- Lets call him 'M' have been broken up for a long time officially- several years- but over the course of those years we've had a lot of back and forth. We come in and out of each others lives every so often and I think its hindered my ability to move on and be emotionally available for someone else. I think part of me always 'hangs on' to the thought that my ex and I are not over, that we will be in each others lives again. No matter how much I force myself to think the opposite, I can not let go of that feeling. Because for the past several years it has been true. His mom even told me 'I think it will always be this way, you two will always find your way back to each other' Its very unhealthy, I realize that. We haven't seen each other or spoken since the end of the Summer.

 

This year I've dated several people while I was not in contact with my ex. I've gone on a lot of dates, trying to put myself out there. Most have been fails, but have been good experience and healthy part of being a 20-something in the dating world. Back in the Spring I did meet someone who I actually did start to feel something for- lets call him 'B'. He was the first person since my ex I felt something for. I think I would have actually been able to fall hard for him, but after a very short time it fizzled because I suppose HE didn't feel that way for me. It stung but I got over it.

 

Since then I've dated on and off, but the problem has been with everyone I meed, no matter how into me they are, I'm just not into it and lose interest. I just don't really care- which makes me think I am emotionally unavailable. And yes because a small part of me still holds onto hope for M. But I feel like I AM capable of feeling things again. I did for B. When I was seeing him for that short time I really didn't think about my ex at all. I'm not sure what is wrong with me?

 

This has all come up because the last month I was seeing someone casually, and they really wanted to take things to the next step- a relationship, and honestly I wasn't feeling it. I could have been the fact that I just didn't feel chemistry, but I really have been wondering if its more about my emotional unavailability? He was a sweet guy, texted me all day (though he was a bit TOO clingy for someone who wasn't my boyfriend- and that really bothered me) but he was very sweet, held the door for me, told me how great I was all that...but I just found myself shrugging at the end of the day and not feeling 'it'. I' m not sure what I'm expecting to get from this, but does this sound like that's what's going on here?

 

Any input appreciated, but please be gentle with me.

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haha, i have an emotionally unavailable ex named M as well! would love to think it's the same guy, but i think they are a dime a dozen, haha.

 

I think you should forget M. If it's meant to be, it will be. You're doing the right thing in getting out there and meeting new guys. Give B a chance. Wait - I see you already told him no. I suspect that it could be partially that you're not as interested in a guy who is emotionally available. That's not good, and I suggest you try to work on that, or figure out why you are doing that to yourself.

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haha, i have an emotionally unavailable ex named M as well! would love to think it's the same guy, but i think they are a dime a dozen, haha.

 

I think you should forget M. If it's meant to be, it will be. You're doing the right thing in getting out there and meeting new guys. Give B a chance. Wait - I see you already told him no. I suspect that it could be partially that you're not as interested in a guy who is emotionally available. That's not good, and I suggest you try to work on that, or figure out why you are doing that to yourself.

 

Haha I'm pretty sure there is a club of emotionally unavailable M's out there!

 

And yea I dated B back in the Spring for a short time and that ended badly. The new guy I was seeing- we can call him T (Oh man its looking like I have a revolving door of gentlemen and that is sure not the case haha)

 

I think you're right when you say I suspect that it could be partially that you're not as interested in a guy who is emotionally available.

 

That makes A LOT of sense!

 

M (My ex)- SO totally emotionally unavailable. He has kept me on a string for the past few years because he is never sure of his emotions

B- Also emotionally unavailable and I did fall for him and it didn't end well

T- emotionally available and I have no interest.

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You may just not have had chemistry with this guy BUT if you think you are emotionally unavailable you actually might be. I've been contemplating that for myself as well since I tend to freak out at the idea of real commitment right now, but I've always been that way too. This is something you need to work on since you don't want to meet a great guy, and simply not give him a good chance just because your still thinking about an ex-boyfriend who has had too many chances and is a constant cycle of disappointment or because your expectations are too high.

 

I am glad you are continuing to date though. Just keep dating and working on being more emotionally available. I'm sure other posters may have suggestions with that. I'm working on that myself so may not have the best advice for that!

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Haha I'm pretty sure there is a club of emotionally unavailable M's out there!

 

And yea I dated B back in the Spring for a short time and that ended badly. The new guy I was seeing- we can call him T (Oh man its looking like I have a revolving door of gentlemen and that is sure not the case haha)

 

I think you're right when you say I suspect that it could be partially that you're not as interested in a guy who is emotionally available.

 

That makes A LOT of sense!

 

M (My ex)- SO totally emotionally unavailable. He has kept me on a string for the past few years because he is never sure of his emotions

B- Also emotionally unavailable and I did fall for him and it didn't end well

T- emotionally available and I have no interest.

 

I did read some articles about being careful if you fall for emotionally unavailable guys. It could be a reflection of what you think you deserve and the enticement of the drama. Just something to think about.

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I think you just need to wait and find another 'B' who will feel the same way as you do. At least you've proven to yourself its possible to love someone else. Everything I've read says to break all contact with your ex or you will never get over them, but I'd be a hypocrite to pass on that advice.

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I think you're right when you say I suspect that it could be partially that you're not as interested in a guy who is emotionally available.

 

That makes A LOT of sense!

 

M (My ex)- SO totally emotionally unavailable. He has kept me on a string for the past few years because he is never sure of his emotions

B- Also emotionally unavailable and I did fall for him and it didn't end well

T- emotionally available and I have no interest.

 

Patterns are often life lessons trying to teach us something.

 

I suspect you may need to talk to a therapist about this issue. You also may have created an epic narrative about your ex in your mind that you cannot let it go.

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