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What would you call this?


upsndowns

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I broke up with my ex about six months ago. He was not a very nice person. We dated for 3 and a half years, and during that time, he did some...questionable things. More recently, I've slowly started coming to terms with just how messed up the relationship was, but there are some things that I don't really know how to feel about, so it's helpful to hear from other people. I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, but I don't want to ignore a bigger issue, either. I was hoping I could get some opinions on this particular situation.

 

We went to a party on Halloween my sophomore year in college. I was 19 and he was 24. I knew that I was going to be drinking and that I was a lightweight, so I drank plenty of water that day and ate a good dinner before we went out. When we got to the frat house where the party was, my boyfriend and I split up from the rest of our group. I drank one beer and one glass of champagne. Not long afterwards, I was drunker than I had ever been in my life. I was laughing at everything, slurring my words, trying to drunk call my friend, unable to walk in a straight line, and running into inanimate objects. My boyfriend got angry that I was so drunk (I didn't drink at parties unless he was with me because he would get angry if I did), so I told him I was just acting silly because we were at the party. We started to walk to my dorm, and I was still stumbling around. I knocked into a parked car and needed to be helped up. We got back to my room and he was furious. He said he thought that I'd been drugged. He also said that if I had gone out without him, been drugged, and then been raped, he would break up with me, because he didn't want to be with someone who would "put herself in that situation". I changed out of my costume, and I was really scared, but I still couldn't think straight. I tried desperately to act more sober. He decided to take me back to his apartment. I don't remember the drive there, I think I fell asleep. When we got to his apartment, I remember that I was afraid because he was so angry. The next day, I remember thinking that my memories after the car ride were a little sporadic. I just wanted to make him not mad at me anymore. He was completely sober. When we got in the apartment, we had sex.

 

I wasn't upset about it the next day. I tried to just forget about what he'd said the night before. He was nice again in the morning, and brought me water in bed. I physically felt terrible, but not exactly hung-over. More like I'd run really, really hard, and I had a terrible headache. He was my boyfriend, and I trusted him.

 

But now that we've broken up, looking back on it, it bothers me that he had sex with me, even though he said that he thought I'd been drugged and I was so out of it, even though he was completely sober. I just can't imagine doing that if someone I loved was that out of it. I'm worried I'm just blowing it out of proportion because we've broken up now, and I'm upset about other things.

 

Was this rape? Or do I just regret being with him?

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He also said that if I had gone out without him, been drugged, and then been raped, he would break up with me, because he didn't want to be with someone who would "put herself in that situation".

 

wow, nice job victim shaming! how about being angry at the guy who tried to drug and rape you!! And what - if you had gone out without him and had 2 drinks (hardly a lot!) - it would be your fault and he would break up with you??? UGH!!

 

It bothers me that he knew you had been drugged, and he went ahead and sex with you anyway. i mean, ugh. I can't say if that's rape or not, but his behavior is not that of a good guy, that's for sure. good riddance!

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Does sound a bit weird and he also sounded a bit 'controlling;, your way re: being out and drinking.

As for that night of the event.. I wonder if you were drugged? OR does mixing those 2 things make someone react this way? Not sure...?

 

Anyways.. now that you are no longer with the guy. Best stay away with something like this making you curious.

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I wouldn't call it rape, unless he was the one that gave you the drug. But horrible treatment of you--absolutely. You were likely drugged, but instead of being worried about your safety and agnry at whoever had done it he turned it on you. What an (expletive)! Such people are the type that will watch someone else get hurt then add salt to the wound by blaming them for getting hurt. They take pleasure in kicking people while they're down and that's more what it was with you. Not that you're a terrible person for getting roofied--give me a freaking break. And then later took advantage of you to have sex. It isn't rape, but emotional abuse, yes. Celebrate every day you're not with this toxic mess of a human being and show anyone else who ever acts like that to the door. Those who love you protect you, they don't "victim blame" you. Thank goodness you aren't together any longer.

 

You're not regretting being with him, you're starting to realize you were with an emotional abuser and now that you've got some distance between the two of you it's becoming clearer. You'll likely go through a period of anger and more and more revelations about just what it really was. And then you'll move past it and just make a note never to let him into your life again, or anyone else like that either. If you find yourself really angry I suggest going to a gym somewhere and letting a punching bag have it while thinking of him. Very cathartic exercise and one that makes you feel oddly better and much calmer when you're done.

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