Pretty sure I am right but want opinions- called it off because of no effort

[Reflective82]

I am dating (online and real life) and despite being in relationships for most of my life I do have experience of dating and the general trends/signs. I feel I have always let guys get away with treating me badly (not that they do all the time but when they have) and after my most recent breakup decided it isn't happening again.

 

I arrange a date with this guy I met on link removed. I know with online dating it's a numbers game and you can't expect too much- however I cancelled the date tonight and think I am right in doing so and so do my friends, and parents (I ask my dad for a man's opinion) but just want thoughts:

 

He has known about the date for an entire week and we have been texting, so plenty of time to think of something to do. Today he checks if I am still on for tonight and I say yes, then he asks what I fancy doing. This in my mind is already a slight annoyance as I like as do most women, for the guy to have already planned or thought of something for us to do on our date- which takes 10 minutes effort max, and which he clearly hasn't done. I say I don't mind and he suggest some bars where he lives which is the second put off (we live about an hour away from each other- so extremley unimpressed he would suggest me travelling an hour to meet on his turf, and not half way. I would not suggest a man travel an hour to meet me). I say I'd like to meet half way and we decide on a location. He says shall we just do drinks- and I agree although I do like a dinner date but fair enough if he doesn't want to do a dinner with someone he hasn't met.

 

He then says let's meet at the station and "take it from there"- this was the deal breaker for me. What kind of guy (or woman) wants to meet someone at a train station and then walk around deciding where to go? In London on a Saturday night everywhere is packed so you wouldn't get a table and be able to sit down together anywhere- and it just seem so awkward to do that with someone you don't know. I haven't had this situation before so replied saying I would prefer to meet somewhere planned so we don't have to walk around and I am happy to pick somewhere if he likes (get the hint!)- he then replies saying let's meet at the station and take it from there.

 

At this point I'm really annoyed and can't understand why a guy would do this- is it because he wants to check me out at the station and decide if I'm worth a few hours or one drink? Or is he just completely socially inept?? I mean how much effort is it for a guy to pick a bar to meet at for a few drinks on a date. I sent him a message saying I did not think it was going to work out and I was not up for meeting someone I had not met at a train station and then walking around town trying to figure out where to go. I said I normally meet man at a bar or restaurant that is pre arranged and to take care.

 

I assumed he was not that excited or interested in me because of how little (none) effort he put in, but all of a sudden I get 10 phone calls and 7 texts saying how he wants another chance, he will book somewhere for dinner, he just didn't want to seem too keen and please will I give him a chance.

 

It is hard as it is making me feel mean-- but at the end of the day my opinion is that if he could not bring himself to make the slightest effort in thinking about our date then why should I bother? I do like romance and thoughtfulness in a guy and can't imagine being impressed or having something in common with a guy who cannot even manage to arrange a decent first date. I don't expect to be taken somewhere flash or fancy, but I've dated enough guys and all of them have booked somewhere and we have met there and had a lovely evening.

 

I have given guys like this a second chance in the past and it has never worked out as their behaviour just returns- I don't see it working out when a guy in the beginning when you are supposed to make an effort, has made so little. People generally relax and get more lazy as time goes on- not better.

 

I am secure in my decision to cancel and not see him again and my male friends agree- but just thought I would throw it out there

[annie24]

I think you should go with your gut. If you've gotten the sense that he's lazy, and you're looking for a guy who is going to make plans and spoil you a bit, then this guy probably isn't the one for you. You're flashing ahead to your bday and valentine's day, when he shows up, no present or card in hand, and says, "what should we do tonight?" It's not that hard to have some kind of a rough plan. I'm not a huge fan of dinner dates as first dates because if you don't like him, you have to sit through dinner! I'm more in favor of casual coffee dates, maybe walking around. still, he could have told you that so you knew how to dress (warmly for a night time stroll, or classy for a restaurant). I think some guys just don't think of things like this - but then, you are looking for a guy who does, so you're probably better off cancelling the date. Unless you think after his 10 phone calls he's learned his lesson???

[Batya33]

I can relate somewhat to your concerns with a few disagreements. This is not a date. It's a first meet to see if you should go on a real date. I agree with him that you should meet for drinks (or somewhere casual). So I wouldn't hold him to the standards of having to plan, etc. However, even though it's not a date I wouldn't like that he suggested you travel an hour to meet him and I wouldn't like that he suggested to meet at the station.

 

I had that experience once with a real date -he had 10 days to plan and an hour before -in a city much like London -he had no plan and wanted to meet on a street corner after dark . I said "I don't meet men on street corners -call me back when you've found a restaurant you like" (the plan always was dinner) . He did call back and suggested a place -we met -and he teased me and made comments about my preferences. After the date he called me 10 days later trying to make up for things and suggested we meet at the opera that weekend. I wish he had suggested that in the first place. Since I didn't like him anyway I declined. Part of the reason (but not the whole reason) was the bad first impression. We had actually met in person at a religious gathering and while we were there he asked for my number, etc. This was pre-cell phone and basically pre-e-mail so it wasn't surprising that we weren't in regular touch before our first date.

[annie24]

At this point I'm really annoyed and can't understand why a guy would do this- is it because he wants to check me out at the station and decide if I'm worth a few hours or one drink?

 

I didn't even consider that as an option, but yes, you are right! It can come accross like, "Let's meet at the station and then i'll decide whether to buy you a drink, or send you on the next train home."

[Reflective82]

Good points re bday and valentine's day Annie- I have always had bfs who were good and got me flower etc and would be really upset if a guy did not do those things for me as I really enjoy them. I completely accept re the dinner like you said- and that isn't what put me off at all- but basically refusing to even book somewher for a coffee or drink is just so lazy - who wants to meet at a station and walk around looking for somewhere to go? That is just really odd to me- for every single date I have been on it has been planned in advance and we have met at the bar or restaurant, or at the station t walk to the bar together.

 

It is clear he has learned his lesson as he has been ringing saying he wants another chance- but it already feels tarnished in my mind and that I have seen a side of him I don't like. My dad thinks that he also wanted me to meet on his turf so he could try and "score"- just overall really not impressed and when I think back to my two relationships, the guys did plan drinks or dinner for our first date- I mean it isn't hard, is it?? Sometimes it is hard not to get fed up with men!

[annie24]

Do you have to book ahead for a coffee or a drink in London? But I agree, just picking one out in advance is best.

[Reflective82]

Thanks Batya- I hadn't thought of it as not being a date as we have seen each others pictures and agreed to meet on a Saturday night- so in my mind it was a drinks date for the evening. I think the lack of a plan is what really puts me off- I don't need some elaborate plan but just for him to have a quick think about where would be good for us to meet. I like the guy to take the lead. After a few dates I would have no problem planning something myself. It's interesting what you say about it not being a date but being a meet to see if we should go on a date- I think that's exactly what he meant it as- absolutely no effort until he had decided whether I measured up- and I just find that rude and offensive. I could equally not like him but I still decided to go in with an open mind and have some drinks together.....I think for me a guy who cannot even plan a date is a real deal breaker but it is hard not to falter when they are texting so much and trying to make effort. I think it's like you said, the bad first impression just ruins it....

[Reflective82]

On a Saturday evening generally yes for a date- you could just go to a bar like my friends and I do, but you won't get a seat and will be standing in the crowd, so it isn't good for a date. A date ideally you want somewhere to sit where you can chat and hear each other I assume? I just don't like the effort of him meeting me at the station with no plan of where to go and walking the streets....it is really lazy in my mind

[annie24]

I'm the same as you, one bad first impression, and I'm not really interested. If you have to give a "second chance" to someone you've never even met, I mean, what a bad way to start off the date! It's not really fun or light and flirty anymore - you're waiting to see if he effs up again. The vibe has changed.

[Reflective82]

Exactly! I mean already, he is calling and apologising and there is drama- and we haven't met! The first date should be flirty, exciting and hassle free.....I hate saying this as I wouldn't want it said about me, but there's clearly a reason he is single!

[ParisPaulette]

I think you were smart to cancel and listen to your gut. Maybe others have had a different experience, but in my case times where a guy was vague and tried to get me to meet up close to his home and did the whole "let's just see" thing even after being offered an alternative it turned out what he was really hoping for was "let's just see if I can't get you back to my place for a booty call." Fine if that's what a guy wants, but then be upfront about it and not slimy or shifty.

 

Like I said that's just my experience, but it sounds like this guy didn't want to take you out so much as in. Then when he realized he wasn't going to get even a chance he got frantic. Next!

[Reflective82]

thansk Paris. I went through something similar with the last guy I really liked who ended up using me as FWB and yes I am super attune to it now and agree. A guy who wants to see if there is a future for the two of you to date surely makes a tad of effort and bookes a table at a nice bar or something. It is interesting how when I sent him a blunt text cancelling it really piped his interest and I think I am going to use that as my new strategy in dating- I have had enough of taking crap from men and think women need to set the standard and tone of what they expect in dating- and set it early! Or you will get taken advantage of

[Sportster2005]

He has known about the date for an entire week and we have been texting, so plenty of time to think of something to do. Today he checks if I am still on for tonight and I say yes, then he asks what I fancy doing. This in my mind is already a slight annoyance as I like as do most women, for the guy to have already planned or thought of something for us to do on our date- which takes 10 minutes effort max, and which he clearly hasn't done.

 

This guy could have done this very thing last week and received a lecture about being obstinate and not considering the women's input when deciding on a date. So with that experience he decides next time (you) to do something you both agree on, and you reward him with annoyance. Nothing wrong with your preference. But, you can probably avoid this situation by stipulating it in your profile. That way you will appeal to men who are better matches for you.

[missmarple]

I wouldn't mind being asked what I want to do (I actually prefer it, to be honest). I also wouldn't mind meeting at the station and checking out some places. What I would mind is the guy asking me to travel 1 hour to meet him on a first date. Guys either come to where I live or we split the distance. I've never had someone ask me to go to his part of town.

I think you did the right thing in cancelling the date.

[reader]

I agree that meeting at a train station on a saturday night is a bad idea. Makes more sense to meet in a relaxed environment so both people can chat and get to know one another a lot easier. Actually saturday night for a 1st time meeting is not good anyway because to me that has always been date night. I prefer to meet during the week and then if that goes well then you go out on saturday night. Saturday night is for people who already know each other in my opinion

[annie24]

This guy could have done this very thing last week and received a lecture about being obstinate and not considering the women's input when deciding on a date. So with that experience he decides next time (you) to do something you both agree on, and you reward him with annoyance. Nothing wrong with your preference. But, you can probably avoid this situation by stipulating it in your profile. That way you will appeal to men who are better matches for you.

 

well... she did offer to pick out some restaurants, and he said no, they can just meet at the station and take things from there. i can see how that wouldn't work out so well in any major city such as London. I was in NYC last night and it was a mad house. Especially with the holidays and shopping season, everyone and their grandmother is out and about. In a smaller city, I can see how the "let's walk around and find a place to sit and have a drink" might be an easier date to do.

 

I haven't had this situation before so replied saying I would prefer to meet somewhere planned so we don't have to walk around and I am happy to pick somewhere if he likes (get the hint!)- he then replies saying let's meet at the station and take it from there.

 

I am actually really struggling to think of the last time a man didn't make a first date suggestion. I can't think of it at all. Particularly because men usually do the paying on the first date/meet, it helps them to suggest something in their price range.

[jenny_mcs]

I think you were right to call it off! His first suggestion is for you to travel all the way to him (rather than meet in the middle or come to you)-- lame. His second suggestion is to meet in the dark at a train station and walk around and find a place (on a Sat night in a major city)- lame. You could have chalked those things up to him being just kind of clueless...but even after you stated your preference to have a place picked out AND offered to pick one out...he STILL wants to meet at a train station. Just..no.

[Sportster2005]

well... she did offer to pick out some restaurants, and he said no, they can just meet at the station and take things from there. i can see how that wouldn't work out so well in any major city such as London. I was in NYC last night and it was a mad house. Especially with the holidays and shopping season, everyone and their grandmother is out and about. In a smaller city, I can see how the "let's walk around and find a place to sit and have a drink" might be an easier date to do.

 

Didn't read all of the post. Guilty. Ya that's just wrong. There's laissez faire and then there's just lazy.

[Ms Darcy]

He was lazy. You were right to pass on him. Don't communicate with him further.

[Reflective82]

I don't know any women who would lecture a guy for making a plan and booking somewhere for them to go-- but if a guy wants to get around this, he can ask you in advance what you would like to do, not wait until the Saturday and then ask which shows no forward thought or planning. It is lazy in my book and a real bug bear of mine

[Reflective82]

Thanks all- the weird thing is he has been ringing and texting like crazy trying to get me to give him another chance! I do feel that he now regrets it- but ultimately, if there's this much stress even before the first date-- it isn't for me

[Batya33]

I don't know any women who would lecture a guy for making a plan and booking somewhere for them to go-- but if a guy wants to get around this, he can ask you in advance what you would like to do, not wait until the Saturday and then ask which shows no forward thought or planning. It is lazy in my book and a real bug bear of mine

 

I think if there's any reason to lecture a person before you even meet in person then the people shouldn't meet so that's an easy one IMO.

[Reflective82]

Yep! I don't want to have to instruct a man on how to date

 

They should just take control and say they have booked us in somewhere- that's what most women want!

[Batya33]

Yep! I don't want to have to instruct a man on how to date

 

They should just take control and say they have booked us in somewhere- that's what most women want!

 

Yes me too for a date -for a first meet I think it can be more casual and far more collaborative since it is a stranger and the person should make sure that the other person wants to spend that amount of time at a first meet.

 

I actually didn't like when a man made reservations for dinner at a fancy restaurant for a first meet after I suggested meeting for a drink. It was out of my budget and he accepted my offer to split the bill (because I insisted since I never wanted to see him again). I thought he should have at least offered to pay for my taxi home or something even if he wanted to accept my offer to split.