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I Love the person I Hate the most..


MeanGeen

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Dear Journal,

 

It's been almost 3 months now, and I'm still struggling. I've had many mental, emotional breakdowns. No one has ever affected me as much as she has. I was so blind and stupid. She betrayed me and left me to die. She fell out of love with me and moved on without breaking up with me first. I had to catch her online. The cruelty she showed me afterwards was unbearable, she said anything she wanted without regard to my mind and soul. She didn't care and was selfish. She admitted to being a heartless b***h. She said she always has been.

 

We were together almost 2 years, moved in together almost right away. I don't know why I was so intrigued by her, she was such a train wreck from the first night we met. She told me so many ugly things about herself that first date. We had hot passionate sex that first night, and we were addicted to each other after that. She would stare at me like I was the only person worth knowing. She wanted a clean slate, she wanted to start all over with me. She had made so many mistakes in her life, lies, drugs, promiscuity, etc. I accepted her as she was, I liked the fact that she had gone through hell and could possibly appreciate heaven. She cut off all contact with anyone that was a bad influence. She changed her phone number. She stayed away from facebook. She waited for me to come home from work and her eyes would light up when I walked through the door. I loved having someone to come home to again. She cooked warm meals for me, she did household chores, she helped me with rent and bills. She cleaned herself up for me, she stopped smoking cigarettes and the green stuff. She was a raging alcoholic, we worked on that for a long time and finally got her erratic behavior under control. She mended things with relatives. Her parents started trusting her again. She enrolled into college, I encouraged her to see her future and not settle for dead end jobs anymore. She was doing so well and her family liked me which had never happened before, they never liked anyone she dated. Her parents bought her a car because she was a changed person, no longer a walking disaster. Her grandmother finally trusted her and gave her a gold diamond ring she had been apprehensive about giving her for years, fearing she would pawn it.We went to several family get togethers. She is BEAUTIFUL, I loved her interesting personality, she made me laugh,she made me feel important, we loved each other and trusted each other. We traveled and visited many places, we made so many memories together. She was constantly mentioning how glad she was she didn't have to worry about finding someone, or about shady people, that she was so happy I was honest and true, reliable and independent, doesn't use her or abuse her. She said we were soulmates. She brought color into my black and white. Life was good...

 

She was a bad girlfriend at first, she was a wounded animal I guess. Or maybe the big age difference, she was 9 years younger than I. She would get very drunk and get somewhat aggressive with me. She punched my shoulder and chest a couple of times. She called me a B word. She forgot my birthday after being together a few months. She had/has a flirtatious personality about her. She flirted with a guy the second date we were on to get a free drink while I was standing next to her.I stormed out and her friend followed me, I said "I don't have to put up with that bull, tell her I'm going home" She soon came out and ran after me and apologized, she didn't quite understand it.She would hug men she didn't know. Like a person taking us on tricycle tour through the city. The other women we were with didn't hug him. I didn't hug him. We had an ugly fight about that. She flirted with my cousin's date in front of me and my cousin. Well he started it but she obliged. He stopped everything everyone was saying to make a comment about how beautiful here eyes were. My cousin agreed they were. But she's a bit of a free spirit and she was just dating this guy. Then my ex made a comment about his fingernails being bitten like hers, and they put their hands together on the table to compare. He kept staring at her eyes, and she kept eye contact with him as I sat next to her. I got mad and asked her to come to the restroom with me. I was steaming and made her cry, she didn't understand why I was so mad. We ran into an old boyfriend once. At first she said it was on old friend from high school, she hugged him and introduced me, we shook hands. As we walked off she admitted it was on old boyfriend and thought it was funny running into him where we did. I didn't know what to say, I walked slower and put my head down. She asked what was wrong and I said, "How would you feel if I hugged an ex girlfriend in front of you, someone I used to have sex with" She didn't see anything wrong with it since it had been years and they had both moved on. We immediately left and were silent the whole way home, we argued and she cried. She got a hold of an old lesbian friend, she talked to her on the phone for a long time, I had no problem with it, my ex explained to me that if it wasn't for this friend her and I would've never met. See this friend had told her about a dating site where we met. So I was glad to talk to her friend too, I invited her to come down to visit and offered her a place to stay since she lived so far away. In later days, my ex told me that this friend tried to come on to her once, she tried kissing her and she moved away from her. I was mad again, I asked her, "How would you like it if I didn't tell you someone I was talking to is sexually attracted to me?" We ran into a couple of people from her past, she said they were friends or were in a class together from before. I never knew what the truth was, I was suspicious about everyone. Besides all that she was an uncontrollable sex addict. Which is fun at first but when she acts crazy and has aggressive tantrums when she doesn't get it, is kinda crazy. I would have to physically hold her down. I was afraid she would run outside naked. And when I would give in because I didn't want to deal with the tantrum. It would take several hours to put her to sleep, even though she "finished" several times, and she was in pain, she wanted to keep going and getting hurt because she liked it. She was pretty sadistic in bed, some things I was too uncomfortable doing which she requested. Oh and she is such a narcissist, any reflection anywhere she can find she would look at herself. She would stare at everyone when we would go out and judge them. Make comments about "ugly people". When I needed someone to talk to, she couldn't focus and was fidgeting and looking around. I felt I couldn't count on her for that.

 

But I know I am no angel and this is the only place I can be honest with myself. I won't lie and say it was all her fault. I have lived a sad and rough life. I have many issues of my own. I have insecurity issues, control issues, anger issues, many times I took it out on her. I put her down, I called her names, I held a grudge towards her for all the wrong she'd done to me and hurt me. So I started criticizing her in every way. I was annoyed by her personality. I started being cruel to her. I would try and make her jealous by making girls laugh. I would get annoyed by the little things so we would fight almost everyday, when we go out, when we would be on a trip. Most of this got uglier when I got injured at work and was home 24/7, we were in each others faces all the time. I got into a dark place, started feeling sorry for myself, got depressed, took it out on her. I was a complete d**k towards the end. I made her cry, I kept telling her how we weren't gonna last. She would cry and beg on her knees. I would just look at her with no emotion. I guess I wanted to test how much power I had over her, in my sick mind I think that shows me how much one loves me, is how much they'll suffer for me.

 

She left for a few days, "to think". A couple days before this, I had a complete re-awakening. I felt as though a demon was exorcised from me. I fell head over heels for her again. I automatically saw her for her beauty inside and appreciated her existence in my life. I wanted to desperately change everything wrong, I felt love again, I felt excitement again, I felt emotion. I'm not sure why but I felt re-invigorated. I wanted to make things right and heal her and hold her. I felt so terrible for all I'd put her through the past few months. I wanted to start fresh, I loved everything about her. I was planning to propose to her on our 2 year anniversary which was in two months at the time. When she left to think, I started crying, which she had never seen from me. She kept messaging me while she was gone, she said she'd be back Sunday, she left Thursday. Sunday turned to Monday, then Tuesday, Wednesday Things kept "coming up". I'm not sure if those were her real reasons or just used them to stay away longer. She finally came back. We talked. She seemed disappointed that I had such a dramatic change in such a short amount of time. She was upset about it. The days and weeks following, she wasn't the same either. She seemed like she didn't care anymore. I noticed alot of things that I hadn't paid no mine to before. Suspicious things. She had her phone on her constantly, even when she went to the bathroom. Always on it. She finally made a facebook account. She said she was trying to come back from hiatus and put pics and updates about her life in it. That she was working on it. She didn't friend me right away. When she did, she had a bunch of other people friended that I never even met or knew about. I asked her, "who are all these people?" (mostly guys), she said "They're my friends.." in kind of an annoyed tone. Then as the days went on, she would consistently be on FB. I asked her, "Why haven't you put that you're in a relationship with me?", She replied, " Because I have alot of family on here, some that I haven't spoken to in awhile, that don't know I'm gay" Yes I'm a female, shocked? Lol, Anyways, that answer didn't make sense since I've met almost all her family even both her grandmothers which are the hardest to come out to. Of course they don't really like that their beautiful grand-daughter is a lesbian, but they accepted it and were glad I had a good head on my shoulders and that I was a good influence on her and that I had changed her path in life. Well things got worse. She started being really mean, cold and distant. Anytime I would get even a little distracted she would take the opportunity to get on her phone. I tried talking to her and being really loving towards her. I apologized for all the times I hurt her, and I told her I wanted to make things right. But it seemed as if I had already lost her. She would insult me alot, she would be so cruel. She all of a sudden started pondering her life, like just herself, not including me. She got this obsession about studying abroad. She applied for schools and scholarships, financial aid, student loans, etc. But her GPA was so low, she wouldn't qualify for anything. By some miracle, through her persistence, she was accepted into some school in Greece. She had been interested in Archaeology for awhile. So this was perfect? She couldn't get funding for it. She asked her parents to take out loans for her. She applied for shark loans, which I told her it was a bad idea. She became obsessed with Greek anything. Asking me questions about it. Culture, history, fascination with how their language was written, etc. We talked about it, I decided to give in and help her, I wanted her to get this out of her system. I tried looking up information about it, educational programs etc. She asked if I would wait for her,I told her, "I'll let you do this for your life, I'll wait for you. 4-5 months will be hard, but it's nothing compared to a lifetime together" During her mean streaks she had asked me to give her money to go as she had a devilish smirk on her face. I said, "You're not my wife, I don't have to give you anything.", then she responded, "Marriage? That's kind of permanent"...ouch. This was my daily life for a few weeks towards the end. Seems as though when the demon left my soul it went straight into hers.

 

Well that one fated day came. When it all came crashing down. Day after my birthday. She went with her mom to visit her great grandmother. I was watching TV and decided to look something up on the computer. I got on it and her Facebook was still logged in... She had done this before and I would log her out without a thought about it. This time I didn't log her out.. I went into her messages, and I saw it. I felt my skin burn, my breath leave, my heart stopped. I felt as if I left my body. I was completely crushed, I couldn't believe she could be this evil after all we've been through together. She was talking to him hundreds of times a day. Thousands of messages going back a month and a half. Way before she told me she had started a facebook account. Not only that, some of those "friends" she was messaging and trying to "re-connect" with, some it seemed as if she was trying to spark old flames. She gave out her number alot. She asked old friends about guys she knew used to like her. It was pathetic and disgusting at the same time. This main guy she was having an online affair with wasn't even in the same country. He lived on the other side of the world. Yeah guess where, Greece. I went through the messages, and found she had sent naked photos of herself. Just like she had sent me not even two days after we had started talking in the beginning. Of course he was happy about receiving them, she said "I trust you". Upon reading further, it seemed as if they used to talk before she and I had met. She said "We've known each other 8 years almost" , He responded, "Yes its been like 3 years." So I'm not sure. She just didn't question it and they kept on talking. "Love you my Love" BS, soon turned into, "I crave you, I can taste you. Soon we'll finally be together. In January", "I still remember the way you used to look at me" blah, blah, I guess they used to skype or whatever. They messaged all day of my birthday, while her and I went out and about. I tried to just have a peaceful day. We went to the beach, then to a historical site. She bought herself like $50 dollars worth of knick knacks. Hmm.. but she hasn't helped with rent in several months. She said she felt bad and asked if I wanted anything. I said I didn't. Come to think of it, she had been receiving several things in the mail from online purchases.. anyways. We went to lunch, I tried having a conversation with her, but she just kept asking about what do I think foreigners think of American women. And talking about her fascination about other languages. They're last message was at night right before we had B-Day sex. She told him, "I love you, good night" Well, after reading all of this, as you can guess I was infuriated. I was so broken hearted, I felt completely betrayed and humiliated. I grabbed all her clothes from the closet and dumped them in a pile in the middle of the living room.Then I got everything that belonged to her, bathroom stuff, hair stuff, gifts I gave her. Memories, she used to write me little notes in my lunches, I had kept everything. Movie stubs, event stubs,dried up flowers. I dumped in the trash. She unknowing of what I have discovered, texts me and asked if we were still going out tonight with my cousin. I responded, "No, come get all your s**t and get the f**k out. I saw your facebook.", she texts back "What" She soon calls me back in a frenzy and the only thing she has to say is, "You're not going to do anything to my stuff are you?"

I hung up and went nuts. I messaged the guy through her profile. I just went off on how me and her had been together for two years, how could she do this to me, she's a heartless B and I hope she never finds love, then I said that she's a liar and a fraud. Because she had on her profile she had herself as working at a cool place, when she wasn't. She was telling this guy she had to travel over there for her job, what a freaking liar. She doesn't have a job and I've been supporting her almost the whole time we've been together!

Well I grabbed all alcohol I could find and drank it, she came home and I was crying on the bed. I heard her come in and the first thing she said about her stuff on the floor was, "Wow really"

She came into the room and just pretty much owned up to everything and didn't seem to care about it being the end. We kinda talked, I remember her saying things like she just wanted a fantasy and nothing else, she was trying to escape reality. Kept making the whole thing with this guy seem like meaningless words. That something in her left, and she wasn't inlove with me anymore. Lot's of other things were said, but at that point I was drinking heavily and asked her to take all her stuff and leave. I sat in the computer chair as she got all her stuff. I stared blankly at the wall. She cried as she got things together. I chugged a half bottle of Stolis in probably 15 minutes. She came near me and asked if I wanted to keep a Tiffany's necklace I had gave her for our anniversary. I told her, "No, I don't want any remnants of you, so take it and do with it what you please, pawn it to go to Greece, for all I care."

I started skipping moments and having short black outs. Then I did have a black out and I remember her trying to feed me crackers to sober me up. I remember throwing things and punching the walls. I would wake up in different areas of my apartment. Holes on the walls in front of me. She finally left, I woke up and felt an anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe, I was experiencing vertigo. I called 911, I wasn't sure if I was gonna wake up this next time. I wake up on my living room floor, paramedics around me, one of them trying to wake me up, poking me on the front of my shoulder painfully. They ask me questions, they put an oxygen mask on me, I see her there. I have blood on my arm. They take me in the ambulance, I see her following us with her car. They take me to an ER, they pump my stomach, alcohol poisoning, 2.12 BAC, I'm 5'0". My brother shows up, left work for this. He's not judging just wants to take me home and calm me down. I tried calling someone about an appointment I had, not sure what it was, but I was calling to cancel it. I was still drunk, and my ex answered, I dialed the wrong recent call. She said she was in the waiting room and she was the one that called my brother. I told her I was fine and to leave.

The next day she comes over to talk. I told her I was alot calmer and that we needed to talk about it. The house is a mess. I have all her memories in a trash can. When we met, she was a smoker, I had a smoke with her that rainy night, we talked about the beginning of us. But then she quit. She started smoking immediately after our break up. I had a smoke with her as we talked about the end of us.

Well after awhile I don't hear anything different from what I remember she said. She still is set on leaving, not wanting to work on it. She is basically upset that I talked to the guy and pretty much almost ruined things with him. She said its between us and that I had no right doing that. After awhile she leaves. We still communicate the next few days. She comes over 4 days after the disaster, and well we have hot break up sex. This becomes almost a weekly routine. But she's still mean as hell to me. I can't say no to her, she's gorgeous and a horny B. During the following weeks, she tells me "I don't even talk to him anymore" Yet her phone vibrates every 30 seconds..She makes plans to come over then she cancels because something came up and says she has to do something and can't make it, she keeps postponing. But she does come over eventually. She says her hurt hearts too, and she doesn't even go out. She hasn't even been to a bar. She only has like two old friends. One I've met and she's a total s**t.

Well another fated day came into play, about a month and a half after we broke up. She had spent the night again. The next morning, I get a call from my ex mother in law. Not this girl's mother, my ex-wife's mother, from 4 years ago. See I had started talking to my ex after years. She was a good listener and a good counselor I guess. She talked me off the ledge so to speak. Plus I was trying to get some old family photos she hadn't returned. Well she became sort of my therapist. After the ugly break up of my current girlfriend. Anyways, she says her mom is coming down to visit her friends and that she would send my stuff with her. I said "Cool thanks" But by some well designed plan she shows up when I wasn't expecting her. When my complicated ex was there.

A little back story on my ex-mother in law. She's a very successful clairvoyant, she does spiritual readings and such. I know, I never believed in it. But at this point in my life, I was open to it. She began to read me, and started telling me stuff. She said she wasn't planning to but my spirit guides were urging her. She said, "This girl right now...Run. Run as fast as you can. Nothing but lies, lies, lies. Look at me, I'm serious, get her out your life, she is no good for you"

"And the person you need to be with is not her and not my daughter, there was someone in between them"

I didn't really want to be read at the moment because all the questions I had were about what's her face who was right nearby. I did however want a reading but when my ex wasn't around. But I guess when the energies come, she had to talk to me. I told her she was inside. And she asked if she can meet her. I said, "Suuuurrre, let me just go get her" I came inside and asked if she can come out and meet her. She said, "Uhh, no" and I said, "Please." She agreed, she went to put on make-up then came out. We all started talking. She started kind of reading her, mother in law kept asking if she had any questions but she kept saying no. Well she twisted her arm and she looked at me and I said, "Go ahead and ask her whatever, I already know anyways"

So she asked/ "Will I end up with a man or a woman?" The lady said,"Its up to you, who you let yourself fall inlove with. But you have to tell people up front that you like both, because you hurt them, look at what you did to her"

I don't look at her, she looks at me though. Then she asks, "Will I travel?" Mother in law says yes you can do it because you've put your mind to it. She then says, "But I'm tired of the new world, I want to see the old world" Mother in law says, "Just be careful, there is alot of ancient energy over there" lot's of evils fought through time,lost souls and such I assume. Then my ex says, "Well actually, I already bought the plane ticket"

Well we all talked for hours, I had an appointment, she had to leave. We said goodbye, my ex asks if she can come by to "talk" later tonight. I said okay and she leaves. Later on that night she texts me and says she can't make it because of this and that rather, and if she can come by tomorrow after school, so I said sure.

I don't know what the heck got into me, but I lost it. I somehow got into her FB. I wanted to know more of what she was lying about which I knew she was. Well there it was again. Still talking to Greek guy, I went back and read what she said to him about the angry messages I had written that terrible day. She basically pulled everything out she could think of. Lies and more lies. She said her crazy ex had hacked into her account and must've guessed her password. That I'm obsessed with her and won't leave her alone. She's been scared and has been trying to get rid of me. That I was so abusive towards her in the relationship and that I even stole from her??!! ? The guy didn't respond right away like he always does. She panics and writes his name in all caps. "Please say something!" He then casually just responds,"Hi *****, how are you?"

Then they get back into the way they were talking before. I see she was messaging him while I was outside talking to mother in law. She messaged him as soon as she got home, set up a skype chat. Probably why she wasn't coming over that night. She was talking to him the whole time she had gone away "to think" a couple of weeks back too. Well, I looked at all her messages. And low and behold there was another dude she was sending nude photos to, the same exact ones actually. This guy sounded like an ex of hers. He was local though. She tried setting up meeting up with him but he didn't show up, that was the day before she came over. This guy sounded like a real loser and a douche. He even called her a B and she just put a sad face and changed the subject. I saw she also was giving out her address to several old "friends" to come visit. She lives with her parents by the way. She has always told me that she is not attracted to Mexican guys and thinks they're gross. But guess what, there's a few on her friends list. One I know she slept with like right before she met me, she said she was drunk and regretted it. And this guy kept calling after the fact, one of the reasons she had changed her number. Well upon reading her messages, she contacted him and went out with him. "That was fun last night! We should do it again!"

I went berzerk, I was so upset with her that she would put me at risk of STD's. I wanted to expose her lies and deception. So I got into her email, and got the Greek guys email. I sent him a snapshot of her sending the same photos to other men while she's still talking to him. The guy is an idiot, right away he messages her, "*****, is this you sending me this??" Forwarded the snapshot and message. "I think we are getting hacked" She says, "What baby?"

Well she figures it out and sets up skype, to save herself. I also sent local guy a rude message and he called her something to the effects of "You self absorbed B****h!"

She figures out it was me and starts angrily texting me and calling me every name in the book. "God, I HATE YOU!!" "YOU'RE SO PATHETIC!",etc.

Then she says she's gonna sue me for identity theft, cyberbullying,etc.

This woman drove me to my breaking point, I was doing things I never thought I'd do, she made me mentally unstable. I even cut myself after this. She played with my head so much, this whole time she keeps telling me she loves me and keeps texting me every other day.

I don't know, I guess I wanted to ruin her overseas plans atleast. But it didn't work, guys don't care when the chick is really beautiful.

Well to make a long story longer. After a couple of days, her FB account is disabled by FB staff. It says it is has been disabled or suspended the account because of something not following guidelines or something, don't exactly remember the exact wording. Probably from her sending nude photos of herself.

The following day after that she texts me, "I already filed a police report", then she calls and I don't answer, next text, "You're a punk" I'm not responding.

We don't talk for over a week, which has been the longest we've ever gone at that point. She has some package arrive here from something she ordered when she was still living with me. I text her and say, "Give me your address, there's a package here for you, I'll send it to you" she gave me the address, then I said "I was sorry how ugly everything got between us" she went off on me again about the guy. And started saying some lies about stuff got sent to her family and friends even an old professor.

Considering how it all went down, I didn't think we'd ever see each other. She said maybe she can drop by after school tomorrow and pick it up. I said fine. Then we kinda got into it again, she was still pissed. I didn't want to fight and just said, I didn't want it to end so ugly. I wanted to just say goodbye to her. Then she started talking about she got a new tattoo. She sent me pics of it. We talked about how good it was done. The artist was good and what not. Then she asked if she can drop by tonight and get the package. Probably because they're shoes and wants to make sure she has them for this weekend, is my guess.

She comes over but doesn't come in. We sit in her car for awhile. She shows me her new ink. It's pretty cool. Then she mentions what a cool guy the artist was and they went out for lunch. And that maybe she can be buddies with him so that he can maybe use her as a canvas. Sigh....

She says on the way back, she has a tire blow out and the guy changes her tire, she says she's surprised because most guys nowadays can't even do that. So I can tell where that is headed.

We hug and she tells me she loves me, I tell her the same, because it's the truth. She says she still wants to hang out with me. And I stupidly say, "Okay, my door is always open" I get out of the car and walk very slowly, in hopes that she's still looking at me. I turn around to wave goodbye and her face is in her phone. She texts me a couple of hours later, and says, "Why did you lie" "You do have a facebook, you just spelled your name different" I said "I didn't lie, it was disabled for a month and a half because I wanted a mental break, But I activated yesterday, I need to socialize and get out of this house, I'm going nuts here", She says "Yeah that's good you should socialize" Next day she calls to asks about some paper she can't find. I missed the call so I texted her. We joke a little. Following day after that is Halloween. She asks if she can borrow something for her costume, that she is at her friends house down the street. I tell her I don't have that article of clothing anymore. Later that night she texts me pics of her costume. I said they're not coming in. She keeps trying to re-send them but nothing.

I finally get them like 2 days later it was weird, like they got lost in the satellite or something. I don't hear from her for 10 days, then she randomly sends me youtube video links at like 2am. One is kind of a sexual song, the other is an emotionally painful type song. I respond with a song too. But it pretty much says to let me go. Later that afternoon, she texts me and says, "My great grandma died today", I respond, "I'm not sure what to say, but I want you to know that I care.", she says, "Thank You"

Next day in the evening, she sends me a photo of the previous apartments we had lived at, when we first met. I guess they had it up for rent. And when they took a picture of the courtyard I was standing by our door at the time. This pic had to have been about a year old. She just found it funny I guess. But I didn't ask why she was looking for apartments. Which I'm not sure if she wanted me to ask. I decided to see if she re-activated her FB account, she hadn't. But then I did a search and she had made a new one. It seemed pretty open, no privacy on it. But then the next day she blocked me.

After that I hadn't heard from her for almost 3 weeks. I again got obsessive, So I decided to make a fake account. I was able to look her up. I saw that she still had local guy and Mexican guy on her new friends list. No Greek guy though. And tattoo guy. She kept "liking" everything he did. Then he started "liking" stuff. And so I looked further, she has gone up to visit him and had pics with him, maybe a weekend together, they have different clothes in the photos. Like it was the next day. Parents, family, friends, "Like" all the photos, a parent comments on this dude's awesomeness. It hit me hard, seeing she's found someone so quickly. I had another emotional breakdown. I called my sister, she calmed me down and she pretty much hates this girl's guts. I drank alot, like I have been for months. I drink to be able to sleep sometimes. I couldn't this time, I broke down an texted her. I just made an excuse and asked if she had changed her address because there was mail here. I asked her if she wanted me to open it to see if there was anything important. She said, "Please" it wasn't anything. I knew they were just advertisements. She just gave me one worded answers. I knew she was out of town visiting her grandmother because I was lurking on her FB, so I knew she wouldn't be with that guy. So I asked her how she was doing, and gave my condolences about her great grandma. She said she was okay, that she was in another state right now visiting her grandma and bringing her back for Thanksgiving. She said, she decided not to go to Greece. But that it was her choice. She had a change of career path and that she decided to to to school about 2 hours from here for something else. 2 hours from here is where tattoo guys lives and works..

I just said that was good, it would've probably been too expensive and she would've had to pay all that money back eventually. She said, not really, with scholarships, financial aid and grants, it would've been little out of pocket.

Then we chatted about her great grandma. Then we started joking around, I sent her funny pics, she sent me funny pics. Then she says she has a new Fb account and that she blocked me, just to be on the safe side. I said, "Blocked me? Why? I'm over it." I then said something about finally filing for divorce from ex wife. She said, "Wow, good for you" and I misunderstood that and thought she was being sarcastic about me being over it already. But she meant the divorce thing. Well since I was drunk, I stepped in it and started going off on why what did she expect me to do, crumble and die for her? Blah, blah, insert foot in mouth. She just says, "Idk what you're talking about" then I went on to say about her moving on to quickly and that its fine I don't hate her, don't worry about me. Ughh...Then she just says, "You lost me, I was talking about your divorce and blocking you"

Well I tried recovering and made a joke about it. Then she just laughs. Then I said, "Well I'm glad we're both over it." She responds, "Well it was easier for me. I just listened to your advice. And decided to be with someone who liked me for me"

Then I just said something to the effect of Good for you, I'm happy for you crap. Then she got into the whole Thank your for everything you did for me, You helped me mature in life. You'll find some who'll cherish you, etc,etc..

I responded like it was fine and just saying it happened how it happened for a reason. Life goes on. This is how it was all meant to be. BS

I sent her a youtube link of a song that helped me in my darkness. No response for 15 minutes or so. Then she randomly sends me a pic of herself?

And I just made a joke about not needing to remind me of how hot she is and me not getting that anymore. She just laughs and changes the subject. She sends me youtube videos of new music she likes. She sure cusses alot more, I never liked ladies cussing too much and she had cleaned up her language when we where together but since we are no longer together she does what she wants. We chit chat about the songs. I make jokes she laughs. I give my opinion about singer styles. Then no response. That was 5 days ago..

Today I lurked again. Well low and behold, she spent Thanksgiving with him. Dad is commenting on his Fb, everybody approves. "Likes" everywhere from everyone. And Greek guy is back on there, they "Like" each other's crap, local guy likes and comments on her comments. I'm sure she threw me under the bus with everyone, to save herself. Her parents I know hate me know, she mentioned something to that effect when we were sitting in the car. Because I invaded her privacy or she might of told them I sent naked photos of herself to everyone. If that happened, I wouldn't be surprised if it was her that sent pics of herself to everyone and then told them it was me. I don't know, I gotta get over this person. She took my sanity, my self-confidence, my soul, she took it all. I'm so weak and powerless for her.

I felt low and meaningless tonight, I didn't want to keep bugging people about my issues. And I didn't want to lose it again and drunk text. So I found this place, and decided to vent. And tell someone my heartbreak. I felt I should record this time in my life so that I may look back in a year or two and see how far I've come, hopefully.

Well it's 4:30am and I have no more beer left.

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You did the right thing by writing it all out. You will be surprised by how much it helps just to get all of that off your chest and out of your head. And if you need to do it repeatedly, do it. It's part of healing--it's part of taking control of your progress out of this morass. You will eventually be the stronger for it, emotionally--and that is where you want to be.

 

Just keep writing and getting out of your head so you don't spend any more time than you need to dwelling on it.

 

Having said that, after what she did on your second date, I would have been done with her. You were being "Captain Save-a-H0" and that never, ever works out. If a woman is a mess and all played out when you meet her, then leave her where she is--if she hasn't come to the realization that she needs to clean up her act on her own, then she will never own the clean up when someone else is making them do it in exchange for room, board, food and sex. She was fragmented and you need a woman who comes to you whole.

 

Unless you're a therapist yourself, you can't help someone by doing so much of their heavy lifting for them.

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You make her sound pretty bad even in the early stages. It doesn't sound (to me) like you really loved, valued or respected her as you were always picking fights about who she was talking to, looking at, hugging, comparing hands with, etc. Most people getting into fight after fight look for a reprieve elsewhere.

I'm sorry you're hurting. In time and with some distance you'll be able to recognize things you don't want in your next relationship and that'll be the "blessing in disguise". Until then take it easy and treat your body well (no excessive alcohol, etc)

Be well.

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You're a woman too aren't you OP? Look this relationship wasn't healthy from the get go. If you're honest with yourself you'll know you settled very early on in the relationship. As has been pointed out already yours was a dysfunctional relationship from the outset. She was never right for you and will never be good for you. You should've pulled the plug much sooner than you did and saved yourself a world of hurt. In saying that we can only work with what's in front of us so do what you need to do to start recovering. Seek support from your inner circle of friends and family. Put your energies into work. I wish you all the best!

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You make her sound pretty bad even in the early stages. It doesn't sound (to me) like you really loved, valued or respected her as you were always picking fights about who she was talking to, looking at, hugging, comparing hands with, etc. Most people getting into fight after fight look for a reprieve elsewhere.

I'm sorry you're hurting. In time and with some distance you'll be able to recognize things you don't want in your next relationship and that'll be the "blessing in disguise". Until then take it easy and treat your body well (no excessive alcohol, etc)

Be well.

Yeah you're right, I always knew it was poison from the very first kiss. I just wish I can fast forward and get through this unhealthy mental stage quicker, it realllllyy sucks

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LOL! Captain-Save-a-HO, sounds about right. I think you hit the nail right on the head, I guess I was trying to mold my perfect woman, but like you said, there were just too many pieces. And yes, I quickly figured out that she just uses people. Thanks for your encouraging words. I appreciate them.

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You're a woman too aren't you OP? Look this relationship wasn't healthy from the get go. If you're honest with yourself you'll know you settled very early on in the relationship. As has been pointed out already yours was a dysfunctional relationship from the outset. She was never right for you and will never be good for you. You should've pulled the plug much sooner than you did and saved yourself a world of hurt. In saying that we can only work with what's in front of us so do what you need to do to start recovering. Seek support from your inner circle of friends and family. Put your energies into work. I wish you all the best!

 

Yeah, I guess I always knew. Just didn't want it to be true, I was inlove with the illusion instead of the real her, it seems.

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I hope you feel better and I'm glad I read this. Sometimes it takes meeting someone who breaks you down so you can see a different side of yourself. The scary part is not knowing what you'll be like after. Hopefully this is something with a positive impact down the road.

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Just wanted to add a few afterthoughts, I guess I can't edit my original post. So I'll do it this way. I want to get everything written out so that I can remember everything that was said or what I was thinking at this moment in my life.

A) After the initial betrayal, she kept saying that she didn't want to be in a relationship, and she didn't want to be with anyone else, that she just wanted to be selfish and be on her own to do things for her and not worry about if the other person is happy or pleased. She said she had always been with someone and never did anything for herself. That she had been with someone since she was 14, she went from person to person with no break in between. In the beginning she said she had cheated on all her boyfriends. But that she doesn't believe in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" cliche. That she would never think of cheating on me because she actually loved me and never loved anybody she was ever with. She used to be paranoid about me cheating on her though, that I was too good to be true. She would always mention that if I ever did, she would lose it.

 

B) My friend asked me once if I believed the whole being able to go to Greece thing was ever real, or if it was this big elaborate lie. It was, but not sure now. I know she got accepted by one place, she showed me emails from them. And they sent an overnight letter here. But she couldn't afford it. Then she said another school had accepted her that was in the States but it had an overseas program to Greece. And that it was more legit looking and they accepted financial aid. In one of her after betrayal visits she brought a fingerprint kit to do the student visa thing. She asked me to help her with it. I was hurt that she could be so effed up to ask me to help her with that, the whole reason why I had my heart crushed in the first place. She was so inconsiderate, maybe she got off on rubbing it in my face. Or she just doesn't care. I think I do remember seeing something about that second school though. But anyways, I just started thinking if it was true she decided not to go to Greece due to it being her choice. Or if she couldn't get funding. She said she had most of the funding and with very little out of pocket. So then I'm thinking, Why the heck would she throw away such a great opportunity! I would of totally gone if I was her, to have room and board and to get to study in Europe for 4-5 months. This would've been a perfect self discovery, self liberating, selfish adventure she so desperately said she needed. Plus, she would've gotten to have a fling with that dude she had been talking to for years. She had no obligations here anymore, she was free to spread her wings. Was it a lie that she was able to go?

Or, is she so shady and such an opportunist that she stayed here on purpose to see where things go with tattoo guy. She did say she wanted to know him to get free tattoos, plus she could probably have a longer relationship with him, so she could use him longer. It seems that its more beneficial for her to use this guy, since she can move in with him since he's closer to the other school she's going to now. Plus he's in a band and can take her with him on gigs around the country. She can also be more at ease with her family since they're all religious and want grandchildren. It's just alot easier to bring him around the family than it was bringing me around. Plus she hates living with her parents, they always tell her to get a job or monitor her drinking.

Man she sure did move quickly, she always did. No time to waste, can't last too long without sex. She knows exactly what to do to get people obsessed with her.

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I hope you feel better and I'm glad I read this. Sometimes it takes meeting someone who breaks you down so you can see a different side of yourself. The scary part is not knowing what you'll be like after. Hopefully this is something with a positive impact down the road.

Yeah, I too hope this pain will make me stronger. I sure am humbled by this relationship. I will definitely be a much better person for my next companion.

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  • 1 month later...

UPDATE: Psycho randomly texts me right before Christmas because she needs someone to talk to. Apparently she's having several family issues. I didn't respond to the first text, a couple of hours later she calls, I don't answer. Then I text her something casual and then I tell her I can't talk maybe tomorrow. She tells me what's going on anyways. I respond with a d**k comment. She blows up and starts attacking my insecurities and I do the same. She tells me I " deserved to be cheated on" So I blow up and text a meaner but true message, pretty much calling out her whoreness and asking where the hell is her free tattoos mothereffer and why isn't she crying to him. She's kinda crazy so at the end I try to calm her down, no response. Next evening she sends me a long response tells me all these things that don't describe me at all. All the ugliness she accused me of describe her to a T. Well I got curious, and I wanted to see what she ended up doing. She has her FB on public and unblocked me several weeks ago. So I see she was in town that night she texted me but the following day she was with her tattoo idiot up north. I then proceeded to check what he's doing on his Fb, and noticed he was guest tattooing in another state for about two weeks. So I'm guessing she doesn't have a place to stay since she had just found out her cushy life was being disrupted. See apparently her mom had been cheating on her stepdad, they're getting a divorce after like 14 years of marriage and the mom is now living with the new guy, also psycho found out her dad isn't her real dad, so the mom has a history of unfaithfulness. And that's why my text response to this was, "Where do you think you get it from.."

LOL! It sure pissed her off, but it's true. So now I don't know where the heck she's gonna live since her stepdad was rich and took care of both them. Well I know where she's gonna live, where else. So anyway, I check again in a couple of days and guess who sleazed her way into going with him to the out of state vacation with his family and tattoo tour. She posts videos and comments constantly on how happy she is she found someone different. Whatever psycho, YOU'RE still the same and you will never change. I just figured out tonight what the heck is wrong with you, I found a website and everything I read on it, is exactly you. A SOCIOPATH!

Good bye and good riddens, I'm so glad you're out of my life and so lucky I didn't marry you. And if I end up in Hell with you, wear something nasty.

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