Risk and the fear lurking behind it. Finally getting off my knees!!!

[dhaynes0412]

I thank those that responded to my last post. I see the point of moving on and letting go and believe me when I say that I have followed all of the advice and then some around moving on, including losing phone numbers, getting rid of personal items etc...

 

I have followed her requests for over half of a year respecting all boundaries. No calls, no visits, only business. I have been working hard to do that as I do love her and I know that bothering someone or making a pest of myself is not going to be flattering or inviting to someone who has left. But it is my instinct that it is my time to speak now.

 

No one in my inner circle knows what I am about to tell. I did it on my own accord. I didn't ask for help or feedback or permission...I trusted myself!

 

I wrote again. Yep! I did! I wrote a factual non emotional letter that did not only ask if she thought any connection in the future was a possibility...that was weak, not the effort in itself. I am learning that to speak MY truth is important. So, as I have been learning to ask for what I want without manipulation coercion or control, I wrote a factual non emotional letter of taking responsibility for my stuff; what growth has occurred and how I HAVE CHANGED and modified my behavior. It does not matter who thinks what or what is believed.

 

 

It was not a dozen roses and some empty love letter and promises, but simply what is. I deserve that...to be heard or to feel my written words have been put out there to be read, or not. And it isn't even really about the response. It is about not being afraid to speak even in the face of possible rejection.

 

You all may be correct. I may get a big ole door slammed in my face. So! Wouldn't be the first time and it won't be the last. I followed the NC rules and to be honest it all seemed like a game to me because I was never in a place to not love her or want for more. Codependent people don't like to show themselves for who they really are. They hide with hidden agendas and have an undercurrent of manipulation. Done with hiding and pretending I don't care only to "trick" someone and make myself more attractive. I get it..the chase. I get that groveling and begging and crying are not attractive. Well, she has not seen it, but that's what I have been doing over here for freaking 7 months now!!! So! I have been hiding my suffering....whoopee for me!!

 

My last post was weak! Walking on egg shells is what is weak because I don't want her to think this or that. Asking for help with every move and word or bit of her input is weak! Yes, I could have continued the game. This would have been more detrimental to me than putting myself out there taking responsibility and expressing my growth. It was a GREAT LETTER! It was clean and it was clear and it was to the point.

 

This is the lesson...not pretending I am "stronger" because I don't write. I have shown great restraint and respect for her and myself by never calling or doing some secret stalking/drive bys. My strength are in my actions. My strength is in MY INTEGRITY. Though we are not together we both trust each other to do the right thing. She trusts that I will repay my debt to her and I trust that she will get me the rest of my things. I questioned that early on this week and got all crazy making all kinds of assumptions...then she wrote to me and told me she had been sick. LESSON LEARNED.

 

That does not mean she wants me in her life again now or ever. But by god, I have eaten quite enough humble pie for my transgressions and mistakes. I am a stronger version of myself and will continue to grow. I told her no matter the outcome I will continue to pay what I owe her. And I will and she knows that. I asked again to please speak her truth as well.

 

Getting well means taking risks. Following my given instincts and using my head at the same time. Yes, she has been sick and it could "stress her out"...guess what - how in the world will I know when the "perfect time" is?! I have zero feedback and no body language or voice tones...nothing. I wanted to write her a written letter, but the email flowed. Great thing about writing is, the person HAS THEIR CHOICE of when/if they wish to read it. I told her I know she is ill and I am sure she will read this at her leisure.

 

Oh! One more thing about instinct. My instinct was to wait and let her bring the glasses when she was coming to my town. She told me that was the plan. Was she specific of when and what she meant by "arrangements" NO, but my therapist told me to insist she get them sent. Against my own gut, I did what she said. REGRET! I am not her! I am not sitting in a chair objectively with no feeling or wants or hopes....letting go comes in every person's own accord. NOT TO BE DETERMINED BY ANOTHER. I spent 3 intense years with this person and MY FAMILY! I will heal when I - will - heal. Not listening to myself was weak. I apologized in the letter and told her the truth about that too. Told her I know she will get them to me so just get better.

 

So, did I make a big ole mistake by writing yet again??? Who cares! Playing small with the last letter of "will you let me be in your life"....whine whine - crawl crawl....please. I am living more authentically than I ever have in my life. So HERE I AM AND THIS IS ME. I AM WORTHY ....she may see that or not. But NOW I can walk away knowing I did everything that I am worthy of. I stood up and claimed myself! Now, I can let it go...with intention. IF THAT IS CONSIDERED WEAK AND NEEDY THEN THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THE WAY WE ALL FUNCTION IN RELATIONSHIPS. I am powerless over how she responds if she does or doesn't. At this point, there is no RUINING MY CHANCES. At this point, IT IS NOT JUST ABOUT HER AND HER BOUNDARIES AND NEEDS. NEWS FLASH! I was in that relationship too. Not just here to take the brunt of the blame!...which I did very readily...a pattern I am smashing as well. Such bs.

 

NC IS NOT FOR THOSE THAT HOPE! Allow me to repeat that, NC..IS NOT..FOR THOSE...THAT...H-O-P-E! NC is for those who are in a place to move on. After a certain amount of time has passed and I see I will not be receiving any kind of response, then NC will not be a game, but a process that I can actually use for what it is meant for. Anything but a positive response and I take my lessons and quietly disappear. How sad, indeed.

 

I miss her and my family every single day. I cry and grieve and release every single day and have for almost 7 months. I will continue to cry and grieve until the tears are dried up and the memories don't hurt so much anymore. In the intrim I am considering going to Chiropractic school. I am getting back to my guitar. I am reuniting with an old friend and I fight every day the anxiety and sadness of her and never seeing them again. This was, at the age of 44, my first real love. My first chance of marriage as I never considered it with anyone AND it was not legal for me. THIS IS BIG! Taking my chances and going to the wall without pushing it over is necessary.

 

So, in my estimation a few letters out of a half a year of feeling like I was holding the ocean back with a broom....not too bad for someone with crappy impulse control. Guess the meds, the Transcendental Meditation and the 12 step really is helping. Thanks again for all of the wisdom you all shared. No response will be hard and that is what I am probably going to get. If I mean so little to be offered such disrespect after all of this time, then that will be very telling now won't it.

 

I wish you all could see this letter peeps! It is genius! It IS THE essence of who I am and what I am becoming!! I will keep this letter forever because it marks the day I GOT OFF MY KNEES and TOOK THE RISK! Finally, speaking up not afraid to lose more of what I already lost! THANK YOU ALL for your offering of Luck! I won't be needing it anymore. If it is meant to be, no matter what I do, don't do...what she does or doesn't do...it will happen. NAMASTE

[sharky988]

NC is an extremely effective tool that provides a structure which allows people to gradually heal, move on and let go of hope after a breakup.

 

It prevents them from reaching out and contacting exes who don't want to be in contact with them. It helps them maintain their dignity during a time when their instincts scream out to throw your dignity out the window and cling to someone who no longer wants them in their lives.

 

It stops them from alienating and further pushing away their exes. It stops them from being used as emotional safety nets by exes who would selfishly use them as such after a breakup.

 

NC has many uses... and looking back over many decades of relationships, I can't say that I've ever once broken NC and NOT regretted it!

 

Know that the emotional rush and sense of power you're feeling right now is what typically accompanies breaking NC and making contact.... sadly, it doesn't last.

 

But best of luck to you! As I've said before, sometimes you just need to get that door slammed in your face so you can continue moving on...

[dhaynes0412]

Hi Sharky. Didn't say NC had no uses, just saying from where I was coming from it was not useful for me especially when there were logistical issues that are needed to be communicated about. I don't regret sending that last email...not at all. No rush no sense of "power"....empowerment for myself. Have you never needed to speak your truth from a place of finally finding your footing? My dignity is the LAST thing I gave up...in fact, I gave myself more rather then crawling away with my tail tucked between my legs feeling like I was such a loser and didn't deserve to be seen.

 

In meditation this morning I realized this letter, (this last letter) was not about her giving me a last chance. This letter was about me offering HER a last chance.

 

You have offered some really great feedback in the past around things I didn't see or understand. I am grateful and always look forward to seeing you. It seems, however, that this last post you are assuming I will "crash and burn" with the inprint of a door knocker on my forehead. I think you must have missed the message. I am sad and it hurts horribly. But NC was not for me as it was not being honest, but manipulative like a tool to hopefully lure her back to me.

 

Well, no matter. I know I can continue to grieve and move on from this oh so aweful breaking of the NC rules! GASP! I am at the line and now will walk away from it. Take care Sharky!!!