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Diabolically confused


Shuan76

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I have read a few answers to questions kinda similar to mine but not the exact same question and generally the answers are "Just break up you loser" .. yeh cool , thanks.

 

Are there any WISE (that means not stupid) people or at least people who have been in a similar situation and found resolve who can help me.

 

You see I have a girlfriend of a year and a half almost that I adore, she is wonderful in all ways and simply stunning on top of this, we get on like best friends and laugh all the time. I was married for 10 years to wild crazy insane and in the last couple of years violent girl before this and have had quite a healthy amount of experience with the opposite sex before getting involved with my current GF.

 

Well then .. whats my damn problem?

 

I don't want to have sex with her.. I just really really don't want to, I use to sort of but she is just such a terrible kisser and I LOVE kissing as it turns me on and she just kills it... I opened up to a friend in confidence about this issue and she suggested what I have tried subtle and then with hesitancy quite direct ways how teaching her to kiss but she just flat out refuses to take any advice and will call me for being condesending .. which sure I can see how one would be challenged by this .. 'I KNOW HOW TO KISS'... fail

 

The first 8 mnths or so I was in so in love and I could just by pass the kissing and just have sex, but it didn't feel like making love and I need to kiss for that.. but I did love her and she is very sexy , wasn't a really problem... It didn't sit right with me though I ignored it I guess.

 

SO why now the problem? .

 

She wants to start a family and I`m up for this though I can't get it up for her!!!!!!, she thinks I have an erectile disfunction and I know its cause she can't turn me on... I believe if I told her 'No its cause you don't turn me on' it would destroy her confidence... I have tried again last night to get her to kiss ( she closes her mouth and kind of pecks like a chicken... or has her tongue out and goes straight in...I don't get it ? who she learn off a zoo keeper? ) , I just said 'open your mouth' and she yelled at me 'Stop trying to tell me how to kiss' and then the chance of jiggy goes out the window.

 

Does my head in... She even said to me 'maybe we can IV with your sperm cause you have an issue'.. I was like in my head ... 'man.. if you only could kiss and turn me on you would have fin triplets ..'

 

In summery do I do? I love her, she's perfect except she kisses like a zombie parrot and I can't get freaky with this..

 

HELP!

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She wants to start a family and I`m up for this though I can't get it up for her!!!!!!,

 

This is a terrible idea.

 

she thinks I have an erectile disfunction and I know its cause she can't turn me on... I believe if I told her 'No its cause you don't turn me on' it would destroy her confidence...

 

So you're considering marriage and bringing kids into the world with this woman but you'd rather have a sexless relationship because you're too afraid of telling her the truth and confronting your sexual issues as couple..

 

Does my head in... She even said to me 'maybe we can IV with your sperm cause you have an issue'.. I was like in my head ... 'man.. if you only could kiss and turn me on you would have fin triplets ..'

 

In summery do I do? I love her, she's perfect except she kisses like a zombie parrot and I can't get freaky with this..

 

HELP!

 

Then she's not perfect for you. Stop kidding yourself, OP.

 

Because the other areas of the relationship are going so well you're trying to ignore the fundamental incompatibilities you and your girlfriend have. It's a 180 from your past relationship so you're holding on for dear life. It won't work. Unless you both are asexual, physical intimacy is an important component of a healthy relationship! You both have physical needs which are not getting met. It can lead to frustration and resentment, culminating in an eventual break up/divorce!

 

If you want any chance of salvaging this relationship have the courage to sit your girlfriend down and tell her that her kissing style is turning you off. She's going to be hurt, moreso from knowing you kept this from her for a year and half! But give it to her straight, you'd like to work on this as a couple because while you're very attracted to her kissing is crucial for you when it comes to sex.

 

The reason most people would suggest breaking up is not to ruin your day, but rather they are realistic about what you refuse to see, OP. Many partners couldn't handle this news. Even the ones that would vow to change to save the relationship -- they might not be capable of kissing you in the way you need.

 

For example, what one person sees as big & sloppy open mouth kisses can read as "passion" and be a huge turn on for someone else! In the same vein, if you like slow and romantic lovemaking that doesn't mean a partner who prefers fast and rough sex is "doing it wrong". It may just mean you two like different things in bed and that's okay. If what you like is too far apart then there's no use in trying to bridge the gap with a compromise. Moving on and finding someone who likes what you like is the best thing to do. The alternative is wallowing in years of misery with unsatisfying sex and building resentment!

 

In your case, OP, you love this woman but it may be much kinder to let her go so that she can find a man who either loves her kissing style or enjoys making love to her without kissing!

 

If you stay and nothing changes here's what you can look forward to: building a life with someone you love but slowly feel less and less of a connection to. Kids enter the picture and you both throw yourself into raising a family. The years go by with little to no sex. Your wife begins to feel like a roommate. You meet a new employee at work/a new mom on your kids' soccer team/a new single neighbor moves in next door. What starts as harmless texts and trying to be friendly becomes more as you cannot deny your attraction to this woman. One evening it happens. You get too close and share a kiss. It ignites a passion in you that you haven't experienced in years and crave more of. You find it hard to resign yourself to a lifetime of unfulfilling and next to little sex with a partner who you care for but in a more platonic than romantic way...

 

Be smart, OP. Either bring this up to her and let the chips fall where they may. Or break up with her and allow you both to find partners who are perfect for you in all ways!

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it sounds like more than just the kissing being a problem, it sounds like she doesnt turn you on full stop. im sure just looking at some women turns you on so why isnt that the case with your gf.

 

considering starting a family is a bad idea right now so put it off until you get passed this issue. sit down with her when you are not about to have sex and tell her how important kissing is for turning you on. tell her she is a good kisser but u prefer kissing a certain way and would she mind trying that. dont make her feel like a bad kisser just because you dont like her style of kissing

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First off thanks so much for the well thought out replies. So you know I have spoken with her tonight, I basically stated that we or I have a problem and if we can't be intimate it doesn't make sense to have children. I think I went about it well though who knows, it wasn't easy and she left the house in her car for a good few hours. It gave me time to reflect. The thing is she is 40, she never had a long term boyfriend I've been married, it was a disaster and luckly no kids, I guessed I just missed out on it though if it happens it happens and I`d be 100% there. She is at the last chance of her life.. we met at a time that I was quite happy to be single and so was she... but now that we are together she wants kids.

 

I love her.. and as the cliche you can buy sex but you can't buy love. In my town anyway, its a sinful place.

 

So I reflected...

 

I really do love her as she me.. but I really want passion, she really wants passion... I suggested a tantra course she suggested couples counselling .. lets do both i guess.

 

Now the kissing thing ... there is such a thing as kissing styles and preferences yes I agree, I really love to kiss and enjoyed many a different style of kisser in my life and the delicious interplay of someone else and you....its yum I love it....though I`m sure you have met someone who is just..well... bad? I dislike saying this about someone I love though its refreshing to be just straight up and this is largely anonymous. Though I tell her in a no "you can't kiss" way and she hates me for it, doesn't change .. I give up kissing her which leads to bad then no sex.... I love her then try teach her. she refuses to learn .. then gets heavy over having kids as she is biologically close out of time and how its my fault cause well.. its my hardon we need to make a baby...

 

This is no easy situation as the other problem is I have Bi-polar (2) which means I'm crazy but not too too crazy but I get depressed pretty heavily. I ride it well I think, you wouldn't pick it and I can function well.. but it effects my enjoyment levels, I don't feel like sex... but when I`m up I want to fk... the problem here is I don't feel that my girl is freaky enough so I look to porn now in these situations...maybe I have broken myself? maybe I need to try more? maybe I should just get all the out of my mind.

 

I don't know.

 

Maybe Im broken.

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First off thanks so much for the well thought out replies. So you know I have spoken with her tonight, I basically stated that we or I have a problem and if we can't be intimate it doesn't make sense to have children.

 

You're welcome. Good to hear that you two talked.

 

I give up kissing her which leads to bad then no sex.... I love her then try teach her. she refuses to learn .. then gets heavy over having kids as she is biologically close out of time and how its my fault cause well.. its my hardon we need to make a baby...

 

Communication sounds like its a big contributing factor here.. She doesn't want to do it your way because she feels like you're criticizing her.. She needs to get over that! All of us NEED constructive criticism from time to time.

 

As for her blaming you for HER not having kids? Um, NOOOO!

 

She is 40 years old. She had 20 adult years of fertility to have a baby. She didn't plan to have one! Wasted all that time. That is poor planning on her part. It's not like she was actively trying and battled infertility issues for years!

 

If you want kids you have to make having them a priority. Date with marriage and starting a family in mind. Or use a sperm bank. She didn't do either, as she said she was fine without kids until you. Well, at her age she is late to the game and is now putting all this pressure on you which simply isn't fair. She wants to ignore all of your issues to have a baby -- where do you think that will leave you? Divorced a few years on and co-parenting.

 

the problem here is I don't feel that my girl is freaky enough so I look to porn now in these situations...maybe I have broken myself? maybe I need to try more? maybe I should just get all the out of my mind.

 

I don't know.

 

Maybe Im broken.

 

What do you think is more plausible, OP?

 

That you are "broken"? Or that you don't feel sufficient sexual chemistry with your partner to have a fulfilling sex life with her?

 

Sometimes as hard as you may try you can't fit a square peg into a hole. Work on your relationship with her but if sex remains problematic then recognize that you may be sexually incompatible. That doesn't mean that you are broken. It just means that you two aren't good partners for one another!

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She is 40 years old. She had 20 adult years of fertility to have a baby. She didn't plan to have one! Wasted all that time. That is poor planning on her part. It's not like she was actively trying and battled infertility issues for years!

 

With all due respect, there isn't enough information in the OP's posts to make this kind of judgment about this woman -- or any woman who is childless and in their 40's, who wants children. We do not know anything about what she's tried or how, what she's wanted or felt over these years, based on this tiny bit of information. I'm 45, and having children was always a goal, but it's not as simple as having 20 years to get it done. How do you know she "wasted all that time"? It sounds like she has not had such solid relationships, and if that's the case, if you are a responsible woman, you decide NOT to have children, as I did. Sure, I wanted children more than anything in the world, but I was not about to have them unless I felt I was with the right man in a relationship that was likely to last. The years just ticked on by with a string of lousy circumstances that were unconducive to raising children, and I find myself here, but it's certainly not due to "wasting time" or "poor planning." We are not always in control of what life hands us, and creating the conditions for having a child aren't all 100% MY decision, as my life attests to. Even though they were a priority. Every man I was with, I hoped would turn out to be the right one, and none of them were.

 

OP, I don't think you're broken, but I also don't think it's all her issue. I can't tell from the way you've worded your posts how you are telling her about her kissing style, but to me it sounds like you've communicated this problem to her in a way that's made her feel criticized and embarrassed. It sounds like you've gone about guiding her in a way that's closed her down to wanting to try -- "open your mouth" sounds blunt, unsexy, and teacherly. You said you've tried to "teach" her, and I'm guessing that what you've communicated to her is how bad at this she is. There's a right way and a wrong way of guiding your partner to do the things you enjoy. There's something about how you've written this that makes me feel you've been condescending in your manner, which she's picked up and why she's become very defensive. So it's very possible your approach to her has made the situation worse.

 

Telling someone their sexual techniques don't do it for you is a VERY, VERY sensitive topic, and I'm getting the feeling you haven't found ways to go about it that leave her pride intact. Generally, the approached advised her is to artfully focus on what's good and right, not what they're doing wrong, and my feeling is you've probably botched that one.

 

I think her idea of couples counseling is the best of all -- and I think specifically, it should be SEX THERAPY. Because then you can talk directly to the problem of how you're communicating in the bedroom. This would be a perfect place for her to express her resistance to you, and for the therapist to explain how both people can explore doing things differently, without anyone feeling criticized and getting defensive. It would open her mind up to trying new ways of kissing and being shown, and it would inform you about how best to talk about what you'd like so it's not so hurtful.

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With all due respect, there isn't enough information in the OP's posts to make this kind of judgment about this woman -- or any woman who is childless and in their 40's, who wants children. We do not know anything about what she's tried or how, what she's wanted or felt over these years, based on this tiny bit of information.

 

True, we only have the OP's view of things. I extrapolated from this

 

The thing is she is 40, she never had a long term boyfriend I've been married, it was a disaster and luckly no kids, I guessed I just missed out on it though if it happens it happens and I`d be 100% there. She is at the last chance of her life.. we met at a time that I was quite happy to be single and so was she... but now that we are together she wants kids.

 

Sounds like she didn't want or gave up on the idea of kids until she met the OP.

 

 

I'm 45, and having children was always a goal, but it's not as simple as having 20 years to get it done. How do you know she "wasted all that time"? It sounds like she has not had such solid relationships, and if that's the case, if you are a responsible woman, you decide NOT to have children, as I did. Sure, I wanted children more than anything in the world, but I was not about to have them unless I felt I was with the right man in a relationship that was likely to last.

 

The highlighted is a judgement. There are plenty of women who decide under those circumstances to conceive via a sperm donor or co-parent with a friend. Waiting for marriage is not the only choice one could make if they want kids.

 

Furthermore, many single woman and some men (example, director George Lucas) have decided to adopt or foster children later in life. There are many ways to be a parent/have a family.

 

It's extremely emotional manipulative for the OP's girlfriend to pressure and argue he is her "last chance" at having a family. At 40 her fertile years are drawing to a close for giving birth to biological children but she still has options!

 

While saying "wasted all that time" may come off as flippant, my point was she had 20 years to figure out when and how she would like to have a family. If it's all or nothing -- either I meet the right man first or I don't have kids -- then of course there are variables beyond her control. When it comes when/if you meet your life partners, luck plays a role in that as some people meet that person when they are relative young and others much later in life.

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Sounds like she didn't want or gave up on the idea of kids until she met the OP.

 

I don't know what the situation was, but being "fine being single" before they met doesn't mean she didn't still want kids, or hadn't gone about trying before. It may be that she'd given up or felt it was beyond reach, or was just tired of the dating scene and was trying to build her life without the family she'd wanted (and then meeting the OP revived her hope); but that "maybe" is the farthest we can go reading anything about her into the OP's statements.

 

I also don't necessarily read manipulativeness into her, based on how the OP has written things (which is not all that clear). Again, I think you're extrapolating from the OP's statements: HE said she's at "her last chance", he's not quoting her. If she is saying it's his fault they aren't conceiving because his erections aren't happening, it's because they have a conflict about the sexual issue and she's getting mean about it. But I didn't get from his posts that she was blaming her entire reproductive life on him, and if she's saying this is her last chance to get pregnant, that is likely true. So it depends HOW she's saying these things. If she is worried that with his inability to get erect, they won't be able to have children, that is indeed a founded fear, because you need to have sex to get pregnant.

 

I'm guessing that she's gotten defensive and is trying to turn this around on him a bit as the responsible party because she suspects the truth and it really hurts. I suspect that she feels he's not attracted to her (what woman wouldn't feel that way automatically if her guy couldn't get it up), and in this case he's been almost blunt enough to have told her as much. I mean, the OP actually cracked me up, with the "pecking chicken" and the "zombie parrot" (and I even sympathize, since kissing is my favorite act), but honestly -- if your SO said your kissing was like a "zombie parrot", even anonymously, behind your back, how hurt would you be if you found out? It's possible some of that frustration and contempt he's feeling is coming out in how he talks to her.

 

Their communication is really bad, and so feelings are getting hurt and more gas is being thrown on the fire. So that's why they need a neutral third party to help them come back together and create a safe place to talk about sex in particular. And it's not even just the kissing -- he said she may not be "freaky" enough, so it sounds like their whole sexual life is unsatisfying to him. With the kind of dynamic going on, it does not bode well as a sturdy relationship going into the future to raise kids with. The only good thing he's said here is that they both want passion and want it to work, so there is still hope. They just need to learn how to talk to eachother, and listen.

 

As for adopting or having children later in life, as a single person, I don't judge those choices as long as they're done with a very strong grounding financially and socially (with others close enough to help out) to make sure the child and the parent are in a secure situation. I don't know of many people except the very wealthy who are able to do this, and even then, emotionally, I believe a child from a single-parent home is going to be missing something, and it's going to be far more stressful for the parent, which also affects the child. That comes out of psychology, it's not a moral judgment. I also can't think of too many instances where a decision to adopt a child solo or get IVF was an active choice AGAINST having a partner, but rather a last resort, i.e., "I've tried get a partner but it's not working, so I'll do it myself." I, myself would have done it solo, but even though I think I would have made a good mother, the difficult circumstances the child would have been born into would have made it very difficult for my child (which is also why I know that any adoption agency would not favor me. I'm not Oprah.) I don't know of many women in regular middle class America, or low income women who are single mothers who planned to have the child without the father being there. You're talking about the elite.

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But I didn't get from his posts that she was blaming her entire reproductive life on him, and if she's saying this is her last chance to get pregnant, that is likely true. So it depends HOW she's saying these things. If she is worried that with his inability to get erect, they won't be able to have children, that is indeed a founded fear, because you need to have sex to get pregnant

 

Nope. This is not true.

 

You need sex to conceive "naturally". Artificial insemination works to get pregnant as well (the link removed has been used for decades for doing so at home). The OP's girlfriend mentioned IVF which is a more involved method in which eggs are fertilized outside of the womb.

 

I'm guessing that she's gotten defensive and is trying to turn this around on him a bit as the responsible party because she suspects the truth and it really hurts. I suspect that she feels he's not attracted to her (what woman wouldn't feel that way automatically if her guy couldn't get it up), and in this case he's been almost blunt enough to have told her as much.

 

Their communication is really bad, and so feelings are getting hurt and more gas is being thrown on the fire. So that's why they need a neutral third party to help them come back together and create a safe place to talk about sex in particular.

 

This rings true.

 

As for adopting or having children later in life, or as a single person, I don't judge those choices as long as they're done with a very strong grounding financially and socially (with others close enough to help out) to make sure the child and the parent are in a secure situation. I don't know of many people except the very wealthy who are able to do this, and even then, emotionally, I believe a child from a single-parent home is going to be missing something, and it's going to be far more stressful for the parent, which also affects the child. That comes out of psychology, it's not a moral judgment.

 

Actually, my views on this are closely aligned with yours on both issues (finances, emotional well being).

 

However, life is messy. There is the ideal and what people actually do. Whether someone is rich or not, they can chose to be a single parent. Blaming your partner for jeopardizing your last chance on having a family is just erroneous and not true. Leave and find someone else. Leave and do it on your own. Stay and keep trying. Stay and use other methods to conceive. Those are all options the OP's girlfriend can choose.

 

I don't know of many women in regular middle class America, or low income women who are single mothers who planned to have the child without the father being there. You're talking about the elite.

 

Socioeconomic status does play a role in this. While I don't have statistics on hand, many of the single mothers who are middle class and low income are raising children alone due to divorce or unplanned OOW pregnancy in their 20s and 30s. By 40 most who were inclined to have children already did. While the elite do divorce, few carry unplanned OOW pregnancies to term. By 40 there are a number of women who spent their 20s and 30s focused on career success and end up starting families later. Many marry later and go on to have children with their husbands but not all do. Those women are likely to consider using a sperm donor to have a child.

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