Just trying to ride it out

[Lambert]

Since the bu, I think about him all the time. We dated for 5 months, then an ex gf came back and he dumped me. Dumping someone because of someone else is awful. I've been so trapped in my own thoughts, it's so annoying. I wish I could stop thinking about it so much.

 

I go back and forth between thinking he is as happy as could be with his choice and that he is nervous about it and feeling bad. I think about of he were to contact me what I would say. I try to keep reminding myself that I don't need to worry about these things. I don't owe him anything. Even of he were to contact me, I don't have to respond. I don't have to talk to him ever again.

 

But it sucks. I think about the hurtful things he said... That he has deep feelings for her, that he thought the relationship was over but when he saw her again he realized its not over with her. How I'm wonderful and he will always think great things of me.... Ugh.

 

I just imagine that he just happily went back to an old relationship like an old shoe.... And I feel like I will never meet anyone.

 

It just sucks.

[CubbyBear]

You WILL meet someone. And he will be better than anything you've ever imagine. Positive thinking...your thoughts control your feelings!!!!

 

I do agree that dumping someone because of someone else is just horrible. A huge kick to the self-esteem. But you have to hang in there and be strong. We're all going through the same thing and here for you!

[Lambert]

You WILL meet someone. And he will be better than anything you've ever imagine. Positive thinking...your thoughts control your feelings!!!!

 

I do agree that dumping someone because of someone else is just horrible. A huge kick to the self-esteem. But you have to hang in there and be strong. We're all going through the same thing and here for you!

 

Thank you so much for your response. It just stinks. I mean really, I am in my forties and so is he. He always seemed so together (we knew each other as kids, so there was more history there) I just never thought that he would do this. I knew he was divorced and dated someone seriously before me but he said they were broke up for a year and he didn't seem to be hung up. I was really blind sided...

 

I've been reading a lot about rebounds and how it's really not about me. It's his issue and his own emotional journey that is leading him to feel he should be with her.... I just feel like-- really? This how you treat me?

[CubbyBear]

I hear ya. The worst part about this is we're all just "people in progress." He probably doesn't realize that it's a rebound. But that's his own personal journey to make, you can't force people to see the truth. I know you feel hurt and betrayed but he was just doing what he thought was best. It totally sucks. There were so many times I wanted to show my ex "the way." I wanted to show her that her anger and lashing out on me was just a self-defense mechanism. Because she didn't want to come to terms on how she was treating me and some other insecurities. She just blamed me for everything and at the end, I gave up. I can't force my ex to see that she she need to grow up emotionally and take ownership for her actions no more than you can make your ex see that the other girl is just a rebound.

 

But thankfully, there are things we can control, right? Like loving yourself enough to know that their are other people who will love you twice as much if/when you're ready. And having enough self-esteem to say #### HIM and NC until that bastard contacts me...and even when he does....#### YOU, buddy! You had your chance! And focusing on yourself right now and do the things that make you happy. Work on being the best version of you.

 

Keep posting in this thread on what you're feeling right now. Get it all out. I'll check back in later and hopefully some other folks will respond with good advice Hang in there!

[Lambert]

Thanks, cubs... You're right it's all about our own journey.

 

I don't know about her being a rebound. Maybe she was from his divorce but I was thinking I'm the rebound from her. She left him bc he didn't want children.... She moved away. She was the last thing I was worried about. Then she comes back? I really think she just was feeling lonely or whatever and decided to retreat back to him. And according to him he has deep feelings. Well, how can I compete with that? I thought we had a good thing and a couple months ago 2 exes came out of the woodwork and asked me out. I said no and I never even told my bf. I wasn't trying to make him insecure and I thought the less said the better.

 

Little did I know, he would not pass the same test. When he ended it, of course I reacted badly but considering, I acted better than most.... I didn't beg or try to convince him or show the error in his ways. I guess I just figure if he doesn't want me, he doesn't and nothing I can say changes that.

 

It just pisses me off so much that I didn't do anything and I still got dumped. My friend jokingly said I am cursed. I probably am!

[silversoul]

No, you are not cursed. He didn't treat you well and it is good that he left after five months, imagine if it happened a year into your relationship. Good riddance! Always remember it is about him, not about you.

[Phish23]

Lambert,

 

Sorry to hear you're hurting.

 

It's so hard to accept when things happen like this. I know I still feel crushed over my BU a month ago. There's nothing I can do about it though. She just wasn't able to handle a serious relationship despite being head over heels for me. It's so weird how people can just turn a switch.

 

Anyway, I'm hurting right along with you. My mind is constantly flooded with things she said to me. Our eye contact left each other forgetting to breathe at times. She said, "You have been the first guy that has ever made love to me." It's hard to hear that and not be together. I miss her a lot or do I miss the feelings that she fulfilled? That's what's going through my head the last 48 hours. She told me she was afraid, afraid of how she felt towards me. She couldnt handle the feelings she was having. I have to remind myself it's not me, it's her issues that she has to figure out. It just sucks so bad that I'm left with a broken heart.

 

Like you Lambert, I'm about to head into my 40's and I'm really not very hopeful about what I'm finding..Ughhhh.

 

Hang in there. Time heals all.

[Lambert]

No, you are not cursed. He didn't treat you well and it is good that he left after five months, imagine if it happened a year into your relationship. Good riddance! Always remember it is about him, not about you.

 

Thank you... It is true it could have been worse. It's just hard right now. I'm like trapped on this roller coaster. And it's hard not to think about him with her and happy. Although I really have no way of knowing how happy they are... It's just as easy to think they are miserable and know they made a mistake. I've gotten back with exes and it's not so easy.

 

Thanks.

[mmnyc5052]

Lambert - so sorry for how you're feeling. Just try to keep your head up. The old adage is true - if it was meant to be, it would be. Clearly he has issues he needs to work out, and they shouldn't be your burdens to bear. Learn from what you had, cherish the good, but don't dwell on anything. Get out with friends, join a dating site (if only just to add a little spice to your step), be active in what you love to do as far as hobbies go.

 

I always say this, and it's true: there are 7+ billion people on the planet. You will find a guy you fall madly in love with and will have something even more incredible than what you had. Someone out there is waiting for an awesome girl like you, and in time you will look back and see this is just a learning experience.

 

Head up, girlfriend!!! Be positive.

[Lambert]

Hi phish

I can relate to your post especially, the part about do you miss her or just the feelings. I know for this guy we have very similar personalities and that's what I miss. I imagine that he is pretty carefree about the whole thing but then knowing him, I would bet he is nervous about it. Taking her back is a risk and leaving me is a loss, obviously to a lesser extent. If he really thought it was a big loss, we wouldn't be at this point. But regardless of the final outcome, we were having a good time.

 

I don't want to discourage you about being 40.... I definitely think there are great things about being older. I guess my point was, I expected that he knew himself better at this age. If he wasn't over an ex, why get involved with me? And if he thought he was over her, why wasn't he? Of course I only know what he tells me. Maybe he lied about it being a year they were broke up, as to comfort me.... I really don't know. I just find it hard to believe that they were broken up for a year (plus the almost six months with me), so 18 months later she just strolls in and says I want you back and he falls for it. I just don't understand how he did that.

 

I guess everyone has their own journey and is at their own stage whatever it is.... I am sorry for what you are going through too.

[Lambert]

Thanks for this. You're right... It is a learning experience. I know now that one break up is enough.... I will never take anyone back again. It's like I see how ridiculous it is his ex coming back. She is playing him and I am just the innocent victim.

 

Anyway, I hope you're right about meeting someone else. Right now, that's really the only possible out come. To move on and have a great life is the best revenge. It just seems kinda unlikely at the moment but I'm working on it.

[Ms Darcy]

If he wasn't over an ex, why get involved with me? And if he thought he was over her, why wasn't he? Of course I only know what he tells me. Maybe he lied about it being a year they were broke up, as to comfort me.... I really don't know. I just find it hard to believe that they were broken up for a year (plus the almost six months with me), so 18 months later she just strolls in and says I want you back and he falls for it. I just don't understand how he did that.

 

Think of him as perhaps one of the guys who post on this very forum. Their ex left 6 months, 9 months, 12 months ago and yet they still lament missing their ex. It's usually four or five posts down you find out they have been dating a new girl or have another gf. (Women do this too.) And it amazes me because they are clearly not ready but they do lots of mental gymnastics to justify it. Mostly, they don't want to be alone, want the ego boost of dating and sex, and/or hope dating will actually help them move on.

 

I will say the red flag was the first break up. There was already something missing in this relationship for him and she may have offered that for him.

[CubbyBear]

Just checking back in. Post how you're doing.