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Starting Over....again.


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Can't believe I missed the update about your mom! Glad to hear she is doing well. So, she definitely doesn't have cancer? Is that what that means?

 

Good for you on trying to be healthy!! You've seen and commented so you know my struggles. I'm not religious in the slightest, but since Lent arrives tomorrow, I've decided to give up all sugary drinks. Back in October I cut out all caffeinated drinks - which really showed in my weight loss because I stopped drinking sweet tea and Mountain Dew (and other bad sodas). Further avoiding all sodas and sugary juices will be good for me and help me develop better habits.

 

She still has stage 3 lung cancer. Her first cardio test showed that the valves into her heart were shot...so they didn't think they'd be able to do the surgical (second) biopsy of the tumour. But she had another test...and it showed she's fine. The first cardio test was false.

 

So she's going in for her surgical biopsy tomorrow. We're hoping it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes (the last test- the least invasive test- showed a negative....but they have to be sure it hasn't before they do the tumour removal).

 

Idk how you've given up caffeine. I think I'd die lol. Coffee is life.

 

The struggle is real.

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Tine just got on a plane...she's off to Houston with her daddy until Monday.

 

Jay left for work.

 

The house is quiet.

 

Last night Tines school had a dance. She had a blast. She's still struggling to make friends during recess and lunch, but she had a ton of kids that she was running around with at the dance.

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Mom had her biopsy on Wednesday. They cut a hole in her neck and took the lung biopsy through the incision. Yesterday we found out that the cancer hasn't spread to the lymph nodes.

 

So. She goes in for surgery on Wednesday. They're going for the whole tumour.

 

 

I went over on Thursday night and hung out for half an hour. Mom was showing glimpses of her old self. She was reminding me how much she hates the name clementine and told me she hopes I'll pick better with my next kid. Coming from someone who let her nurse name me because she didn't have any names picked out...ugh.

 

I'm really hoping she was like that because she's in pain...and not because now that she's less scared of dying she can be a b*tch again...but I'm not feeling optimistic.

 

Jay says I can adopt his mom. She's nice to me. She loves me. I've known her a year and a half and she's already been more supportive, proud of me, and kinder to me than my mom has been in thirty two years.

 

Do you ever wonder who you would be if you had different parents?

 

I wonder all the time. Jay says he doesn't. He had an idealist upbringing. When I've (in passing) told him stories of my childhood, he's said, "I wonder who you'd be if you had grown up with parents like mine?" Sometimes I wonder if that's why he's so unwaveringly supportive of me. I think he's waiting for me to bloom.

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Here are some of the paper clay things I've been making. I applied resin over them yesterday- so they are super hard, super shiny...and now water proof. Yet, super light weight. They're pretty neat.

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That's great news that they don't think the cancer has spread and that they will try to cut all of it out. Good luck to her.

 

On the parenting point, I have a dual response. I often wish my mother could have mothered the world. It would be such a better place. Otoh, there was a lot of anger, resentment, and denial in our family. I often wonder what I would have achieved if I had been supported both practically and emotionally. I was neither; that gave me a different set of skills too. I watch my kids like you are watching Tine, and with love around them and my wind at their backs, they are light years ahead of me.

 

 

It really does take energy to deflect the negativity such as your mom dishes out. It teaches us something, too, but it would be nice if those lessons weren't necessary.

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I try not to get hung up on the what-could-have-beens (although it probably doesn't seem like it from my journal. This is the only place I talk about this stuff)...but yeah. I look around me...and often wonder what it would have been like to have parents that cared about me in more normal ways. My parents were focused on short term self sufficiency. If they had been able to take a step back...they would have seen that encouraging me to pursue post secondary education would have been a better plan (financially) than forcing me to move out and get a job at 15 (and keep working two-jobs until I had Tine). They weren't hurting for money...so I don't know why it was more important for me to get a job at Walmart than to go to school.

 

I wonder what it would have been like to have been diagnosed with ADHD as a kid instead of being told that "not all children are going to be the smartest in the class" and to pay attention and stop day dreaming. I wanted to be a doctor. I was told it was too much school. Go get a job at costco....work your way up to management. Marry a doctor.

 

None of those things interested me.

 

My brother got a retail job out of high school....he's now assistant store manager. My parents are so proud (and truthfully, so am I- he struggled with addiction- dropped out of high school...it's taken him a long time to get here).

 

When I was 11 I was put into counselling...and my counsellor told me to get out of that environment. He told me to move out as soon as I could. How weird is that?

 

I guess all we can do is be better. Be better for ourselves and be better for our kids.

 

Clementine is still in Texas and I miss her so much.

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Stupid glass bowl parents.

 

I was a state-qualified athlete who could have competed at a large university. My father told me Girls don't do that. I was self conscious of my muscles. Nobody in family ever came to my events, except once, and I still remember what it was like to discover my parents standing there on the sidelines. I dropped out against my coach's wishes and as directed by my mother. The next week we became state champions.

 

Later my mother told me: I never knew how to raise you, so I gave up.

 

Thanks.

 

I guess I'm still angry when I retell it, but mostly, it just is how it was. What else to do but appreciate that they did the best they could. ADHD then was not recognized in girls, we didn't know about the serotonin and how to affect it, we didn't have the right mess available. New meds will come out to help with executive function. So much now that we didn't have then.

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Stupid glass bowl parents.

 

I was a state-qualified athlete who could have competed at a large university. My father told me Girls don't do that. I was self conscious of my muscles. Nobody in family ever came to my events, except once, and I still remember what it was like to discover my parents standing there on the sidelines. I dropped out against my coach's wishes and as directed by my mother. The next week we became state champions.

 

Later my mother told me: I never knew how to raise you, so I gave up.

 

Thanks.

 

I guess I'm still angry when I retell it, but mostly, it just is how it was. What else to do but appreciate that they did the best they could. ADHD then was not recognized in girls, we didn't know about the serotonin and how to affect it, we didn't have the right mess available. New meds will come out to help with executive function. So much now that we didn't have then.

 

That's just it, right? Every generation learns more...we learn from the mistakes of prior generations...and we can do better. I have no doubt that Clementine will be a better mother than I have been.

 

The internet helps so much (as much as it hinders as well- with all the misinformation and pseudo "experts" out there)...we can learn from one another. I've received so many great parenting ideas from friends fb feeds...how they handle different situations....it's really neat.

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That's just it, right? Every generation learns more...we learn from the mistakes of prior generations...and we can do better. I have no doubt that Clementine will be a better mother than I have been.

 

The internet helps so much (as much as it hinders as well- with all the misinformation and pseudo "experts" out there)...we can learn from one another. I've received so many great parenting ideas from friends fb feeds...how they handle different situations....it's really neat.

 

Yes. Accepting ourselves as imperfect parents is important, it gives our sweet peas an example to follow. Iearn from reading about child psychology and my own. Usually when unsure of myself with my kids, I ask their advice. It works. I'll say, well what do you think I should do? I want you to be able to go out, while on the other hand, I think you should lose some privileges.... They always give me great advice how to hold them accountable. Unexpected benefit of bonding as a team I guess? I can't explain it.

 

I just know i am lucky.

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I try not to get hung up on the what-could-have-beens (although it probably doesn't seem like it from my journal. This is the only place I talk about this stuff)...but yeah. I look around me...and often wonder what it would have been like to have parents that cared about me in more normal ways. My parents were focused on short term self sufficiency. If they had been able to take a step back...they would have seen that encouraging me to pursue post secondary education would have been a better plan (financially) than forcing me to move out and get a job at 15 (and keep working two-jobs until I had Tine). They weren't hurting for money...so I don't know why it was more important for me to get a job at Walmart than to go to school.

 

I wonder what it would have been like to have been diagnosed with ADHD as a kid instead of being told that "not all children are going to be the smartest in the class" and to pay attention and stop day dreaming. I wanted to be a doctor. I was told it was too much school. Go get a job at costco....work your way up to management. Marry a doctor.

 

None of those things interested me.

 

My brother got a retail job out of high school....he's now assistant store manager. My parents are so proud (and truthfully, so am I- he struggled with addiction- dropped out of high school...it's taken him a long time to get here).

 

When I was 11 I was put into counselling...and my counsellor told me to get out of that environment. He told me to move out as soon as I could. How weird is that?

 

I guess all we can do is be better. Be better for ourselves and be better for our kids.

 

Clementine is still in Texas and I miss her so much.

 

It made me sad your parents were so unsupportive and made you move out at 15. Luckily that didn't hinder you from pursuing what you're passionate about and good at, but I feel sad for your brother. I mean assistant store manager, ok that's good if you consider that he was doing much worse. But it's not skilled work, it's a pretty disposable role in economic downturns. I feel like he could've done so much more with his life if he was allowed to have post secondary school education and learn a skill that suits him and of interest.

 

Coming from a Chinese background, I never get that mentality of parents who throw their kids out there in their teens, even when they are technically adults (18), I mean, teenagers are stupid, especially when they first become "adults" and become legally allowed to do many things they didn't used to. Peoples brains don't even become fully developed until, what, mid 20s?

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It made me sad your parents were so unsupportive and made you move out at 15. Luckily that didn't hinder you from pursuing what you're passionate about and good at, but I feel sad for your brother. I mean assistant store manager, ok that's good if you consider that he was doing much worse. But it's not skilled work, it's a pretty disposable role in economic downturns. I feel like he could've done so much more with his life if he was allowed to have post secondary school education and learn a skill that suits him and of interest.

 

Coming from a Chinese background, I never get that mentality of parents who throw their kids out there in their teens, even when they are technically adults (18), I mean, teenagers are stupid, especially when they first become "adults" and become legally allowed to do many things they didn't used to. Peoples brains don't even become fully developed until, what, mid 20s?

 

Well...he's not doing bad. It's not a little store- he's managing a company that sells millions of dollars in product every quarter...and he makes great money. He will continue to rise in that company and eventually manage a district.

 

So it's not this sad story...he's done well. It would have been neat to see who he would have become if he had went to school...but I think he would have ended up doing something similar. He's an amazing sales person- it's not a common trait- and a true people person...

 

Basically, he's the opposite of me. I dislike people, and while I can be good with people and sales in small bursts...I couldn't do it everyday.

 

It worked out for him.

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Well...he's not doing bad. It's not a little store- he's managing a company that sells millions of dollars in product every quarter...and he makes great money. He will continue to rise in that company and eventually manage a district.

 

So it's not this sad story...he's done well. It would have been neat to see who he would have become if he had went to school...but I think he would have ended up doing something similar. He's an amazing sales person- it's not a common trait- and a true people person...

 

Basically, he's the opposite of me. I dislike people, and while I can be good with people and sales in small bursts...I couldn't do it everyday.

 

It worked out for him.

 

That's good to hear I guess you both ended up doing what you're good at!

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Today in my fb news feed, an old post came up from 2 years ago thanking a friend for bringing me flowers because I had just broken up with someone. That was Lee. From way back at the beginning of this journal. 2 weeks later, I met Jay...and my life will never be the same

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Jay and I were talking about the wedding yesterday...about how he knows several people will be butt hurt that they won't be invited....because we're trying to keep things small.

 

So he joked about eloping to Mexico.

 

And then I suggested that we go to Europe.

 

Jay got really excited. I think we're going to Italy in June to get married. We'll see. I told him to book it and tell me after.

 

I'm excited.

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I just looked at Lees fb profile because I was curious to see whatever happened to him....and he got back together with his ex, and he has a friggen 14 month old! Holy crap lol. So they must have got pregnant right after him and I split.

 

So crazy lol.

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Jay and I were talking about the wedding yesterday...about how he knows several people will be butt hurt that they won't be invited....because we're trying to keep things small.

 

So he joked about eloping to Mexico.

 

And then I suggested that we go to Europe.

 

Jay got really excited. I think we're going to Italy in June to get married. We'll see. I told him to book it and tell me after.

 

I'm excited.

 

That sounds exciting!! Will you invite anyone or will it be a true "elope"? Haha

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We didn't start talking about it as "this is really happening- let's start planning it" until a few months ago...however, before we bought this place, I told him he needed to be absolutely sure about me and if he had any doubts about marrying me, we shouldn't buy this place together.

 

He said yesterday that he's known for a year that he was going to marry me (so after a year of dating) but we didn't talk about it even abstractly until 18 months- and didn't talk about it as "this is happening" until 22 months.

 

Are you and J talking about it?

 

We aren't going to tell anyone. We both like the idea of "surprise b*tches, we got married!" Too much lol.

 

It's funny how many people are asking me about it though even though I'm not wearing a ring or haven't talked about marrying him. It's crazy. People really start to pressure...if we didn't want to marry...it would be pretty overwhelming.

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Actually, it's becoming more common now to have a party for other reasons, then surprise all your guests with a "Surprise! This is our wedding party, too!". My uncle and his girlfriend have a Halloween party every year with 50-100 guests showing up, all in costume... and this last year, they dressed up as Frankenstein and the Bride, so we all sort of wondered if, at some point, they would announce a surprise "We got married!" at some point. Never happened though!

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We were planning on having a "bbq" that turned into a wedding in the fall...but it's going to be too much drama. We don't want to invite all of his family, and it will end in a lot of hurt feelings. So...we'll just run away lol.

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