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Starting Over....again.


faraday
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Since she is a friend of a friend, can you just talk to her and tell her that the schedule is not flexible? Followed by a polite if she can't do this, you understand, but she needs to let you know so you can find someone else. That way she is on notice and knows that she can't treat this casually or has the option to drop you instead.

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Since she is a friend of a friend, can you just talk to her and tell her that the schedule is not flexible? Followed by a polite if she can't do this, you understand, but she needs to let you know so you can find someone else. That way she is on notice and knows that she can't treat this casually or has the option to drop you instead.

Okay, not really a friend of a friend...but she's my good friends cleaning lady, and she came with great reviews, she's been with them for 4 years...Maybe I was too nice? My friend doesn't tip, and I do. I try to be flexible when she texts me an hour after she's supposed to be at my house saying that she's running late...I was just expecting her to be professional...but...she's not. She's treating me like I am her friend.

 

Shouldn't she know that if she misses appointments, people will find someone that will? I mean, I can talk to her...and she might be on her best behaviour for a while...but I'm sure this will start happening again.

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Okay, not really a friend of a friend...but she's my good friends cleaning lady, and she came with great reviews, she's been with them for 4 years...Maybe I was too nice? My friend doesn't tip, and I do. I try to be flexible when she texts me an hour after she's supposed to be at my house saying that she's running late...I was just expecting her to be professional...but...she's not. She's treating me like I am her friend.

 

Shouldn't she know that if she misses appointments, people will find someone that will? I mean, I can talk to her...and she might be on her best behaviour for a while...but I'm sure this will start happening again.

 

lol...yes you are being too casual with her....it's ye olde you teach people...thing... What you have been teaching her is that she can take this casually and you'll be totally flexible and OK with it. So time to straighten that out politely. I guess I always take the stance that before you fire someone, put them on notice and give them a chance to fix things. If they don't, then it's actually easier to part ways since they already know what's up with that. You are not all smiles and nice and them bam you are fired....cough....don't be passive aggressive....cough.....

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lol...yes you are being too casual with her....it's ye olde you teach people...thing... What you have been teaching her is that she can take this casually and you'll be totally flexible and OK with it. So time to straighten that out politely. I guess I always take the stance that before you fire someone, put them on notice and give them a chance to fix things. If they don't, then it's actually easier to part ways since they already know what's up with that. You are not all smiles and nice and them bam you are fired....cough....don't be passive aggressive....cough.....

 

Lol, thanks hahaha

 

I talked to my friend about it asking her what she thinks...and she said that the cleaning lady ("Christi") is also a nanny....and in the summer she gets really busy with kids...so she speculated that things will calm down next week when the kids go back to school. So I will tell Christi that it's really important that she makes it to our appointments...and see how it goes.

 

Now I have to go clean. I have friends coming over tonight.

 

One of my friends just broke up with her equivalent of Mat. I gave her this website...I'm hoping it will help her to see that her break up experience isn't unique. That everyone is devastated after a break up and that often we do still love the person even if we can't date them. She's still in contact with him...and in the bargaining stage. I talked to her last night about how I would try to come up with ways that Mat and I could work...we would go to counselling,,,he would promise not to get wasted with waitresses..I would promise to make more kid free time with him...but no matter what, it didn't make a difference because we were just fundamentally different. I'm really hoping she checks out this site...because right now, she doesn't see the benefit on no contact....it's hard to see her so sad

 

Break ups suck.

 

Today it's my daughters fathers birthday...so I kept Tine home today...we're going for lunch with him. She's wrapping the present she picked out for him right now. The kittens are "helping" make a card . image removed

 

 

 

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Ah, kittens and puppies... instant happiness.

 

i caught up on this thread a bit... re: your letter (a couple weeks ago), those are the kind of things you want to discuss with your therapist and not a BF, especially not when only dating for 6 months. If you have insecurities, bad experiences from your past etc. that need to be worked out emotionally, those are best handled by a counselor rather than expecting a BF to 'shrink' you and jolly you out of your insecurities and issues. You're trying to dump a heavy load on him there, that unless he's a professional he may feel overwhelmed and confused (and possibily scared) as to what you expect from him in terms of nurturing your emotional state and issues.

 

When dating, you need to really just try to relax and really get to know a person for quite a while before deciding if they're a keeper. And 6 months is not long enough to do that. If he's waffling after a couple of years, that would warrant a talk about goals and whether you are both interested in taking things permanent with a potential engagement/marriage, but definitely not at 6 months. And the tone of your letter was really casting him in a 'savior' role for yourself and your life, and a 'Daddy' role with your daughter and how you want a man just like him, i.e., it was very 'broody' and sounding like you are expecting a commitment from him and soon as a father figure for your child, which you shouldn't be at 6 months.

 

So i agree with everyone else. Just have fun at this point, keep it light and don't dump all your heavy issues in his lap. If you want to send him anything, send him cookies and funny/happy letters and drawings from your child and talk about fun things you might want to do together when he is back in town.. that will make him feel happy and connected and to want to continue to see more of you.

 

If you feel that kind of need to spill and/or deal with insecurities or neediness, it would argue you might consider getting counseling and bringing those emotions there so they don't interfere with what sounds like a nice budding relationship, but too early to lock him down or expect too much from him or it might overwhelm him. And you should never look to your partner to be your shrink. If you have heavy issues from your past or feel the need to keep bringing the past up, time to go to a therapist for a while and let them deal with those issues.

 

also, re: PMSing, i always tell young women though you may know you are feeling that way, it doesn't give you an excuse to emote all over your BF, tears, tantrums, etc. As an adult, you need to learn to modulate those emotions and not use your partner as a dumping ground for them. Read up on ways to reduce PMS symptoms (there are many), and if you are feeling hormonal, and something he does sets you off, be very aware that you are PMSing, and tell youself, 'nope, not gonna indulge that impulse to vomit my emotions all over him because I'm cranky/moody/teary/bloaty.'

 

And if you feel REALLY horrible, just be honest and tell him you feel really horrible and today is not a good day to do x, y, or z because you're feeling cranky and not feeling well and need a little alone time. When i was young, i noticed that i'd always want to fight with my BF on one day a month, and one day only, when everything he did made me mad, though he was doing nothing wrong and nothing different than he did any other day... and i realized the pattern, that it was me being hormonal and he was doing absolutely nothing wrong at all and it was me needing to get a grip and bite my tongue and not engage or dump on him if i was feeling that way.

 

the good news is that that gets better as you age, and when you learn methods to mitigate PMS systems and not indulge your inner witch when you feel hormonal. It is not right to use it is an excuse or just say 'oh, women are like that and you have to deal with it when i feel that way.' that is like a man saying it is OK to slap a woman around when she makes him angry because men are more physical and they are like that. That's an excuse for bad behavior, not a valid reason. So work on that and your relationships will go better and you won't get into those negative situations (or give in to the impulse to send a letter that might damage your relationship because you are feeling overly moody/insecure/cranky that day). I learned to control those PMS-y impulses, and everyone can.

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Thanks for responding LL.

 

You know...I had one bad day...and I'm never going to hear the end of it on here. I wish I could delete that day of posts in my journal...because it's all everyone sees...not the 7 months previous of completely normal posts

 

I am not normally like that. I don't normally have feelings like that. I don't know what was up with me that day. *shrugs*

 

I didn't send the letter. My interactions with Jay have all been positive...I mean, aside from a "blah" weekend..but it was confrontational or anything. It was just not complete honeymoon like normal.

 

I'm not super PMSy anymore (I thought I was with my last bf...but I've realized it was HIM and not me...he just made me grumpy because he was an idiot. DF can vouch for me) ...I am more emotional and I posted about that...but I don't emotion all over people or cry (like ever)... the only difference that visible to others is that I get impatient...which I do my best to hold back on expressing.

 

It was just one bad day. Honestly. I wish so much I could delete that day of posts from this thread. It feels like it's not going to go away. *sighs*

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We're a foster family. So we take in different animals until they're healthy, fixed, and ready for their forever home. They were finally big enough on Tuesday for surgery...so tomorrow, they're getting professional photos done, and we put them up on the website for adoption. It will be sad to see these two go...we've had them about a month....when we got them they were 6 weeks old and fit in the palm of my hand.

 

I'll show you crazyimage removed

 

 

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>>I had one bad day...and I'm never going to hear the end of it on here.

 

Ah, never post something and ask what people think about it or they will tell you!

 

Just keep in mind that there was no attempt to judge, just to help you. We all lose perspective sometimes.

 

I understand what you're saying.

 

It's just hard to keep being reminded of that day...that was a REALLY hard day...even more confusing because I don't understand why it happened....and I'm really glad I had a place to vent it out not in my real life...but wow, i feel like...people look at me different on here now? And I don't like that I know eventually it will get buried in here and become nothing...but it keeps coming up and how will it get buried?

 

 

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The point of having a journal is to write down your thoughts and feelings, to work through issues before you act on them, etc. You choose how you want to utilize your journal. Many people just share the fun parts of their lives or the stuff that isn't so heavy. Some people put in all the heavy stuff, and others do a mixture of it.

 

Does it matter if someone views you differently? I mean...Does it? Obviously whatever you went through was one part of your mind, your emotions, your insecurities. Anyone who tells you they don't have emo gush thoughts from time to time is a lying liar who lies. They just perhaps choose not to share it, maybe because they're private, maybe because it's not really significant to them, or maybe because they don't want someone to view them in some particular way. You know everyone on here who has been here long term has formed their opinions about various members based on whatever. You can't escape the judgments of other people.

 

Remember that, faraday. People share what they want to share. And who cares if they see you as "overly attached girlfriend" or whatever.

 

If you want to bury something, don't respond to the replies about it. You're not helping the burying cause!

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My gf came over last night for wine...and she's dating her version of Mat...and they just broke up...and I was begging her to go no contact...I wish I could fast forward her life and show her both outcomes. I told her, if you keep talking to him, in a year from now, we'll be here talking about this still...or maybe not because he's isolating her from people...by that point she might be lost to us. And I explained that if she goes no contact...in a year from now...her heart will be healed and she'll be sitting on my couch gushing about some guys she's dating (because she will- she's like me). She keeps talking about how she's not good at putting herself first, she's really scared for him because he doesn't have friends...and so he texts her random messages in the middle do the night that don't make sense...so I tried to use the whole "no contact is best for him too because he needs to heal...or he'll be stuck like this for as long as you two keep talking" idea....and I think it clicked. It's true. They both need to detox.

 

 

My other friend went to morocco and has fallen in love with her tour guide. I'm so scared for her. It's a common theme on the internet...that these men pray on single vulnerable women (and she is) and then they want to move to her country...or they scam the women out of money. She told me that on their third time penising he dropped the L-bomb. He's also "not a player because he brought her back to his apt in morocco and it was a total bachelor pad. There was no seat on the toilet, no soap in the bathroom, his bed was messy, and he had clothes all over the floor"...and she said it laughing....like it was endearing. This guy is 40...so if "he's not a player" because of that...he's not someone you could live with even if you could bring him here (she's already looked into it- our gov makes it really hard...probably because there are so many scam artists there) he's a man child. But I think the messy room doesn't prove she's the on,y woman he's pursued like this...I think it shows that he's a slob.

 

I was trying to talk to her about it yesterday and she freaked out and told me she didn't want to hear it. I'm not sure what to do

 

 

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Fair enough. Thanks for your reply. I have been called a b$&ch multiple times on here...which doesn't bother me at all...I actually kind of like it...because I'm the exact same on here as I am in my life....and I've worked hard to have real and authentic connections and interactions in my life. I've had to let go of a lot of people that need sugar coating on a regular basis...because it's just not authentic to me. I sick at telling people what they want to hear.

 

My friend last night said that she wanted to come see me because she knew that I was the on,y person who wouldn't make excuses for her ex acting the way he is...she came here because she went against the advice I gave her last time...and it played out exactly like I said it would...she came back because she needed that again.

 

 

Most judgements from others don't bother me...I don't even register most of them...but the crazy gf one does....and I know why...I just don't know how to make that judgement not bother me. How do we let go of something that's our biggest fear? My mom is crazy...and I promised myself I'd never be like her...but on that day...I was my mom...so I became my worst possible me...how do I accept it for what it was, learn from it, and let it go...when I so violently reject it? *sighs*. Self work is the hardest.

 

 

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On a completely different note, the kittens disappeared for a bit last night when my friend was over...and I heard a few random bumps...so I went looking for them. They had locked themselves in my bathroom. There was a poop on the floo and smeared all over the wall, and the little grey one was sitting inside the toilet. There was toilet water everywhere.

 

Stupid cats lol

 

 

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Most judgements from others don't bother me...I don't even register most of them...but the crazy gf one does....and I know why...I just don't know how to make that judgement not bother me. How do we let go of something that's our biggest fear? My mom is crazy...and I promised myself I'd never be like her...but on that day...I was my mom...so I became my worst possible me...how do I accept it for what it was, learn from it, and let it go...when I so violently reject it? *sighs*. Self work is the hardest.

 

I don't know what your mom is like in what way you are using the word crazy(casual slang or certifiable), but you weren't crazy in either sense. You were insecure and afraid. You were a human experiencing human emotions. You didn't follow through on your feelings, you just brought them here to light and asked for feedback. "Casually crazy" people don't do that. They act on impulse with little to no regret, and do it over. And over. And over. And over again. Not seeing anything off or unhealthy with the way they choose to express their normal human emotions, and they pretty much do that for life.

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My mom is insecure and controlling all the time, repeatedly...and made my life a living hell until I moved out at 14. I don't know how my dad does it. With that said, I've learned my coping strategies with her....like completely disengaging from her and leaving, she doesn't pull her carp on me anymore.

 

My biggest fear is that I will do what she does to the people in my life. So...I do feel really weird about feeling like that on that day...and I wonder if my mom feels like that all the time and if that's why she can't control it? Have you ever heard, "if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you". That's how I feel about it. I can't explain it...but that quote sums it up.

 

 

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I understand what you're saying.

 

It's just hard to keep being reminded of that day...that was a REALLY hard day...even more confusing because I don't understand why it happened....and I'm really glad I had a place to vent it out not in my real life...but wow, i feel like...people look at me different on here now? And I don't like that I know eventually it will get buried in here and become nothing...but it keeps coming up and how will it get buried?

 

 

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Haha faraday, I hear you loud and clear on this. I think after awhile we get a sense of community here, and have some familiar faces...so hence journaling can be tough. But you're doing it for you, and not to necessarily entertain us and make us say wow her life is amazing I'm jealous. We are trying to help each other out. I get the same feeling, but if I'm not honest and don't post my craziness...I don't feel like I'm getting that much out of it. (which is why I started it) Sure I could only post the fun stuff...but that's what facebook is for...to throw your life in other people's face and see who yells uncle first

 

keep it up and keep being honest and open. EVERYONE has some issues, so don't feel "judge"d if people call you on yours...be proud you're figuring them out and working through them. Right there with you!

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Don't think anyone is judging you or thinks differently about you. I mean that's what this is for, to get all the crazy stuff out of your head, get some advice, get some support and go with a clear head again. There is not a person alive who hasn't had a meltdown of some kind where you look back and go...wth???....was that....yes that includes me too. And since I don't journal....my bf is the lucky recipient of the nuts factor. Good thing he enjoys a bit of drama...lmao....

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Sometimes all you can do is actually be supportive and let her make her own mistakes. I know of too many where things actually end in happily ever after more so than any "proper" marriage for lack of a better word. You don't always know what motivates people and what they really are seeking. If they find it by less orthodox means, more power to them.

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faraday! This is one you just let her be... the heart wants what it wants, and she's gotta learn on her own. I was actually in HER shoes, went head over heels for a girl, and wanted to bring her over...but it just kind of withered due to distance. Everyday she wanted to talk to me, in person she was also much needier than me (gasp) and after awhile it lost its magic. She was attractive, made me laugh, understood me...although a lot of times she wanted to go home and cuddle vs. do things with me...I always found it weird, and she made fun of me for always wanting to "do things." (duh I was on vacation) But cuddling was nice to so O obliged. Everyday was about talking about feelings and she wouldn't do anything except skype all day with her friends and talk about maybe going out. She'd get mad at me for picking going out with friends vs. skyping with her at home. I'd get mad with the fact that due to time zones and me holding down a full time job I don't have the luxury of skyping all day.

 

So it was weird... this person I fell head over heels for suddenly seemed really boring to me from a distance. She was incredibly attractive and very analytical and sharp, but her day-to-day bored me, it was just oh I miss you so much, I want to be with you, please bring me over to your country. (Then I also remembered the whole...let's go home and cuddle, she was just a homebody, and just not my cup of tea after all, even though together it was nice) After awhile I just started dating other girls and a lot of my close friends we're like *phew* hey BigKK glad to hear you're no longer crazy and talking about bringing her over. I actually appreciated that they just let me do my own thing and learned... after that I learned LDRs...never again, and falling for people whilst on vacation... be weary of it...it's usually a whirlwind romance, and doesn't constitute longterm"ness" but doesn't exclude it...the proof comes out over time.

 

 

So after a longwinded response... as DF says, let her be!

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I totally agree with this, sometimes people just need to learn the reeeaaalllly hard way. I have a friend like this too, just really makes terrible choices and is generally all over the place emotionally. It was stressful for me, hearing about her crazy life. Got to the point where I had to emotionally detach--I still care about her and care about her safety etc. But I stopped trying to reason with her and tell her what i think she needs to do, because she always does the exact opposite anyway which would stress me out. Now I just let it go, I hope one day she will learn to take better care and not make such rash decisions, she is in her mid-thirties but acts like a teen sometimes, lol. It's frustrating though...I totally get the position you are in.

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My aunt met a guy in Cuba...fell HARD. She went back to visit him several times before she brought him up to Canada....and when he got here...he flipped. He beat the carp out of her for a months before he stole a bunch of stuff from her and left her. He's still here somewhere.

 

So...I guess I have a skewed view. I'm terrified for her.

 

He may end up being a good guy....who knows? But from the sounds of things...he sounds like a total loser....and...his fb profile was all white women wishing him a happy birthday and these like fluffy posts about love...that guys don't post...it's always my delayed development former clients that are attention starved and can't date that post that stuff....not like...anyone sane that I know... and ...so...idk...maybe it's cultural? I'm doubting it, my intuition is going off so loud I can't think of anything else when I see her. She HATES sexting, and that's all he wants to do with her...even though she's told him it makes her uncomfortable.

 

I will shut up...and hope she gets out before she does something drastic. It'll be hard. I may have to leave her alone for a bit...I suck at being fake.

 

She's coming over tonight.

 

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it IS so hard watching someone you care about do potentially dangerous stuff, and her situation really does sound dubious, really sketch. And i bet that deep down she knows this, otherwise she would not have shut you down when you tried to talk to her. I think she is probably riding the infatuation wave, the high, and just hasn't admitted to herself that this is potentially a very scary entanglement. Is she the desperate type?

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