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Starting Over....again.


faraday
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I've been feeling like...this isn't the place for me anymore. I'm just not connecting...Most of the journals that I followed are inactive...and the ones that I have posted in recently...I just seem to make people mad. I've checked out new threads...new journals...nothing is really catching my interest. My favourite people have moved on...and I think it's my time to do that as well. I just didn't want to disappear without saying something...I know there are so many posters on here where people have wondered where they went. I still wonder about some posters that have left....and some disappeared a few years ago. It's neat how we can connect like that with some people...their voices resonate within us long after they're gone. Best of luck to you all.

 

I will miss your posts too. All the best to you and your family and your art.

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Oh no, I'm sorry, I will miss you. I have enjoyed listening to your life story over these years. I enjoy your art and I admire your energy and spunk. In a perfect world, maybe you'll take a break and come back. No matter what, I wish you the best, I wish your daughter and husband the best. You are one of the bright lights at ENA. I came here in shambles, and it was the positivity and support from people like you that helped me move on and create a new life for myself. Thank you for being a bright light. Hugs, good luck, best wishes, (please come back) and I wish you well.

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I've been feeling like...this isn't the place for me anymore. I'm just not connecting...Most of the journals that I followed are inactive...and the ones that I have posted in recently...I just seem to make people mad. I've checked out new threads...new journals...nothing is really catching my interest. My favourite people have moved on...and I think it's my time to do that as well. I just didn't want to disappear without saying something...I know there are so many posters on here where people have wondered where they went. I still wonder about some posters that have left....and some disappeared a few years ago. It's neat how we can connect like that with some people...their voices resonate within us long after they're gone. Best of luck to you all.

 

Will miss you faraday. You're art is amazing, and your journal very real and interesting. Best of luck out there. If you feel like coming back there's a lot here that will welcome you with open arms. xo

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  • 5 months later...

My mom died on Tuesday. She had the worst night....they couldn’t get her pain under control. Dad called me at 7am because he couldn’t get a hold of my brother. He was supposed to be on “high alert”and ready help if dad called...but he wasn’t answering. Dad wanted me to get a hold of him. I called him several times, I texted. I called his (live in) gf...no answer.

 

I was getting ready to stop by at my brothers house and wake him up (it was now 8:30am) when dad called again asking me to go across town to pick up an intravenous morphine for her...the pharmacy said it would be ready in about an hour. I was almost there when dad called. My gps wouldn’t shut up and my Bluetooth was fuzzy over my car speakers. There was construction everywhere and I was trying to navigate around pylons and through rush hour traffic. Dad said, “turn around now and come home.”

 

“So don’t go to the pharmacy?”

“No, come home right now. I think it’s time to say goodbye.”

“She’s dying?”

“Yes. I think so. She didn’t want me to call 911...right?”

“No, she didn’t. She wants to be at home. I’m turning around now.”

 

I called jay and told him to go get clementine from school right now. I called the school to ask them to get Tine ready. My brother called....he was apologizing for not answering my calls and started telling me how his cat had kept him awake all night. I asked him if he had talked to dad yet. He said no....I told him...”get over there now. It’s time. Hurry.” I was trying to not be hysterical while I drove there. I kept imagining being pulled over and not making it in time.

 

I arrived out front at 9:48. I dropped my mitten in the snow, and I left it. Dad had the front door open. We never use the front door. I walked in and....dad didn’t even have to say anything. His face said everything. We cried. He pleaded with me not to go in...he said that he didn’t want to see his parents like that and he didn’t want me to have regrets. I don’t. I needed to see her, I needed to say goodbye. Mom died at 9:44. I missed her by 4 minutes. I hate that. My brother showed up 10 minutes later....clementine and jay came 15minutes after that.

 

On Friday we met the palliative doctor for the first time. She warned us that we have weeks...maybe months left, and it’s going to get very hard. She set up appointments for occupational therapists/respiratory therapists/ and physical therapists to come by. We ordered a hospital bed (it was supposed to arrive today).

 

I saw mom on Monday. I went over there and laid with her for a few hours and we talked a bit. I told her about a wedding show I’m going to be in, and about Tine organizing my paints into trays for me in my studio. She told me how she wanted to go to chemo (which would have been yesterday). Dad and I didn’t want her to go to chemo. Her oncologist didn’t either...but mom wanted to, so we were going to support her with it even though we knew it would make her weaker...She was already so weak...but she didn’t want to die. She told me she wanted to see clementine grow up. She told me she couldn’t wait until summer-she wanted to have a beer with me on the patio. It made my heart hurt. I watered her plants (I had to take over-dad was killing them), and when I went to say “bye” she was asleep....but I knew I was going back tomorrow (Tuesday) so I left without saying bye. I didn’t see her alive again. Her nurse and doctor were both shocked that Mom died. They thought she might have had a stroke or a heart attack...because the doctor had left half an hour before Mom died, and she said, “I wouldn’t have left had I thought she would die...it didn’t seem like your mom was going to pass yet.”

 

 

My dad is already clearing out all of her things. He took all of her meds to the pharmacy for recycling. He emptied out her things in the shower...and her things in the bathroom drawers. Yesterday he asked my brother and I to come over...and when we got there he wanted us to take car loads of things that we wanted. We didn’t. I can’t. My brother can’t. My dad wants to get rid of everything...he wants to move to an apartment. He said, “your mom wasn’t these things, she’s in our memories and that’s all I need. I don’t have room for all of these things in my new life.” He told me to take all of the things from the farm Mom grew up on- all of the things she cherished. He told me to take all of the plants...the extra duvet covers, the extra towels. He started going through the toys that clementine plays with when she stays over- asking me what he can get rid of and what I want to take home. I left. I cried the entire drive home and didn’t stop until I fell asleep.

 

Today he called me and asked me to come over and go through her closet and jewlery. I told him I can’t. I told him that “I love him and I want to support him...but that right now...I keep repeating “my mom is dead” over and over to myself because it doesn’t feel real. I thought we had more time with her.” I told him that” I need more time to process....that I understand how hard it is for him being there, and that I support him moving, I support him getting rid of her things...but that Mom died three days ago, and I haven’t come to terms with it yet, and right now it feels like he’s dismantling my childhood home, erasing Mom... and that when I’m sitting on the couch downstairs, I keep expecting mom to yell down at me, “bring up an onion”..I keep expecting to walk around a corner and find her....and that clearing things out two and three days after she died...is just moving too fast for me. I feel like I lost mom and now I’m losing my childhood home, and that my dad is moving on, and is getting rid of toys like clementine is never going to go visit him again. I can’t keep up.”

 

He cried. He said he understood. He told me “Mom always regulated me. She always made me slow down. I think this is part of how I’m grieving.” I asked him if we could go through things on Sunday or Monday. He said that made sense, and that he’ll slow down. Clementine and I are going to go over today after school for a visit. He promised that the house will look the same, that he understands we need more time (and that maybe he needs more time too).

 

My mom died.

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Faraday, I know you're not much of a fan of me anymore lol...but from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom a little over a year ago...and I still miss her every day. Things will get better for you, little by little...but I'd be lying if I said there haven't been so many moments where I've just wanted to call or talk to her...and I no longer can.

 

My condolences to you and your family. I'm sorry :(

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I'm so sorry faraday. I cried reading your post. I'm so sorry you didn't get to say goodbye, and that she had to go when she wasn't ready yet. I'm glad your dad heard you and I'm awed by everything you did for your mom over the last few years.

 

I've thought you about you many many times in the last six months and will continue to think of you and your family. Lots of love to everyone.

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Faraday, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom :( My heart breaks for you, it's an indescribable loss. I have my mom still, but lost dad 18 years ago. I'm terribly sorry for your brother, and your dad and your daughter. So many people affected by this lost, just heartbreaking. I'm keeping you close in my thoughts as you work through this terrible loss. ((hugs))

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  • 2 months later...

It's been two months. Things are getting easier....most of the time I can think about her and not be sad. Grief is weird though, and it overtakes you at weird times.

Growing up we had a plant room...a room full of beautiful plants...and we weren't allowed to go in there. No one was allowed in there except mom. Over the last few years, she had gotten rid of a lot of plants…it frustrated me because she would just throw them out…perfectly healthy plants…because she no longer wanted them. Anyway, when she died, dad said, “plants are not part of my new life.” So last week Jay and I brought them all over to my house on a warm day. After we got them in the house and repotted, Jay left to take Clem to climbing lessons, and I ugly cried for 3 hours. My mom would have loved the way they looked…I wanted to show her how beautiful her plants looked. It’s weird thinking…they aren’t her plants anymore. She’s not coming back for them…and now that they’re in my house that reality weighs so much heavier....but it's okay. I'm dealing with things pretty good, I think.

 

Anyway, I’m posting because…my dad is very focused on “his new life.” He’s been traveling a lot (which I think is great). He’s focused on dating. He says he "doesn't want to get stuck in grief and waste years of his life." And I get it. I don’t want him to be alone forever either. And I don’t feel like it’s disrespectful or anything for him to be dating at this point…and I’m not worried about him bringing a new gf into the family dynamic…or any of the things I thought I would be worried about. I’m concerned because…it’s quite apparent that he’s looking to fill a void and he doesn’t care who it is. He went to Mexico two weeks ago, and all he could talk about was this lady he met down there. Like, he wouldn’t stop talking about her. He was obsessed. And I get it, this is exciting…infatuation is so fun…It’s neat to feel things you haven’t felt in 40 years (he was married to mom for close to that). ..but this lady was hesitant and flat out told him, “you’re not ready to date.” So…now he’s dating a friend. He’s known her for 20 years…and they met up for coffee on Friday, and now they’re dating. He spent 10 hours with her yesterday…they are meeting up again today. And he won’t stop talking about her. He’s forgotten about the first lady. He told me today he can’t sleep because he’s thinking about her all the time.

 

He’s obsessed with “does (this new lady) like me?” and “I want to be intimate with her, but I’m worried she’ll get attached.” And the next sentence is, “Hey, can I bring her over to meet you today?” Umm….no. Because that’s a mixed message…you can’t tell her you want to go slow and then ask her to meet your family. She’s already been to his house. They’ve talked about medical conditions…dad tells me, “she has diabetes…so I don’t think she’s a long term candidate. Diabetes will shorten her life a lot, and Martin’s first wife died, and now his second wife is dying, and I just don’t want to go through that again.” He was telling me how he spent a few hours researching diabetes last night….like…it’s weird.

 

And he doesn’t shut up. I can’t stand being around him right now. I don’t want to talk to him right now. I’ve shared my concerns with him…about how it doesn’t seem like he’s very discriminant with who he’s dating (he insists he has a “special connection” with both of them…but after the first date with this new lady, he said he didn’t feel a connection…but then that changed when he realized the Mexico vacation lady wasn’t going to pan out)…I’ve told him that I think it’s great that he’s dating, but that I’m concerned with…how it seems like he’s just looking for validation like a 16 year old collecting likes on Instagram….and how he says he’s not ready for anything serious, but he talks about medical conditions, what living together would be like (they seriously talked about this already), what would happen to her dog if he’s allergic…like this is crazy stuff for a second date.

 

He said I don’t understand because I’ve never had a timeline when I was dating. I explained that I had a totally different kind of timeline when I was dating, as I was concerned about fertility and wanting to get married and have babies before 35…he said it’s different because “he’s older and doesn’t have much time left.” He’s 61…and I’m pretty sure he’ll outlive me. He’s in incredible shape and has awesome bloodwork. Everyone in his family lives until their late 80’s…He’s got at least 20 years left.

I just don’t know what to say. …and I’m having a hard time listening to him talk non-stop about the flavour of the week. I just find it exhausting and repetitive. And I can’t say anything about me (or Clem or Jay)…he doesn’t care. He’s come over twice today and both times…I actually couldn’t wait for him to go…I normally don’t feel like that…I normally really look forward to spending time with him. But right now, I’m just here to listen to him talk….I could be anyone for the amount I’m permitted to respond.

I feel like I’ve lost my dad too :( I feel kind of lost right now. I’m debating going back to the grief counselor...I need advice.

 

As a side note…I want to thank you all for your responses when I talked about my mom’s passing. I have read through everything several times….I found it all very comforting. Thank you.

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Oh wow faraday. I try to put myself in your place and that must feel soo uncomfortable. I know you said you told him how it makes you feel but you might have to be a little more firm about it.

 

It's nice that you are being open minded about your Dad's dating and his needs, but he doesn't need to burden his grieving daughter with asking for dating advise and the sharing of his escapades. Maybe he needs a friend to confide in. Just not you.

 

Gently encourage him, tell him to have fun and then firmly tell him you do not want to hear any more about it.

It's just too sensitive and way too soon. Maybe not for him, but for you. Maybe some time down the road things might be different.

Just not now.

 

Honestly, the way he is going about seems as if he is running from his grief. He is getting so preoccupied with the high, he doesn't stop long enough to grieve the loss of his wife. Women will/and have picked up on this and the grief will eventually catch up with him.

 

Another possible down side to this is - a woman who isn't being very selective will over look it just for the sake of having a partner as well. Someone, whether it's him or her, needs to be thinking straight.

 

Your backyard was already beautiful and now with your mother's presence there I hope you find some comfort watching things grow.

She will always be with you.

 

((hugs))

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  • 2 weeks later...
Oh wow faraday. I try to put myself in your place and that must feel soo uncomfortable. I know you said you told him how it makes you feel but you might have to be a little more firm about it.

 

It's nice that you are being open minded about your Dad's dating and his needs, but he doesn't need to burden his grieving daughter with asking for dating advise and the sharing of his escapades. Maybe he needs a friend to confide in. Just not you.

 

Gently encourage him, tell him to have fun and then firmly tell him you do not want to hear any more about it.

It's just too sensitive and way too soon. Maybe not for him, but for you. Maybe some time down the road things might be different.

Just not now.

 

Honestly, the way he is going about seems as if he is running from his grief. He is getting so preoccupied with the high, he doesn't stop long enough to grieve the loss of his wife. Women will/and have picked up on this and the grief will eventually catch up with him.

 

Another possible down side to this is - a woman who isn't being very selective will over look it just for the sake of having a partner as well. Someone, whether it's him or her, needs to be thinking straight.

 

Your backyard was already beautiful and now with your mother's presence there I hope you find some comfort watching things grow.

She will always be with you.

 

((hugs))

 

Thanks so much for your post. I’ve been meaning to respond...I’m just struggling a bit right now- Jay has been on a job for a month (that was supposed to be only for 2 weeks), and single parenting and keeping up with housework/commissions is kicking my butt.

 

It’s not so much that I’m bothered by him dating...because I totally understand wanting to move on. The part that bothers me is...how quickly he’s jumping in. It’s just sad to watch because I know he’s only doing this because he’s in so much pain. It makes my heart hurt for him.

 

He’s still with this same lady...they’re both smitten and “think it’s so amazing that it feels like they’ve known each other for months, not 2 weeks!” I’ve tried explaining that when you spend a full 6/15 days together, it does feel like you know each other longer...because it’s not normal to spend this much time with a stranger.

 

I think you’re right- she’s not being very selective (because she’s said, “I know you’re still grieving, and you’re clearly not ready to date.” And he’s also told her how much he liked/likes the first person he met, and is disappointed she wouldn’t give him a chance....And despite all of that she dates him anyway) and part of me thinks...maybe it’s because she’s a nurse, so she wants to “heal him” or “fix him” or whatever....but part of me knows...she’s not very emotionally healthy to be willing to be someone’s second choice, and also be willing to go all in with someone who still talks about his wife constantly. On one hand, I’m like, “he’s honest, you know what a sh*t show you’re signing up for”...and on the other hand, I feel really bad for her that her self worth is this low.

 

She tells dad that she’s “never had a partner treat her so well”....and I get that my dad is a good guy...but...jeebus.

 

Anyway...I talked to dad about how he needs to talk about dating less with me...and he’s become tolerable to be around.

 

Easter was tough....my mom always made holidays such a big thing...so I really felt her absence.

 

This week it’s my brother and dads birthday...it’s weird not having instructions from her....I don’t have an insane to-do list from her. I have no idea what to give either of them for gifts though...mom always knew.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

Your Dad is just in full flight mode.. he doesn't know how to be alone after being married his whole life. So anybody is better than being alone in his mind.

 

So you can't talk sense into someone when they're in this mode. If it were me, I'd just tell him, Dad, you know how I feel that you're moving too fast, but you're and adult and need to do as you please. Just please don't marry again quickly without a prenup just in case that doesn't turn out as you hope.

 

So appeal to his reason on the finances thing to protect him against anyone after his money, but otherwise let him date who he chooses and stay out of it unless he asks your opinion.

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