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Remind me how NC works again?


water777

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Hi

 

I found this website as I am struggling with being dumped after 13 years of marriage. Usual story my ex was unhappy, accused me of lack of intimacy yet she had stopped touching hugging at least a year before, didn't like me, didn't like our dog and I needed to make change in order for her to feel happy.

 

I made changes, but she never acted on the things she said she was going to act on, she wanted out, I asked her to move out and asked her to take the dog. I'm devastated!

 

A few emails to begin with, I told her I didn't want to talk for a couple of months. She's agreed. I'm four weeks into separation and know it's over, but I'm getting to that point where i want to call, grovel, cry, be a complete mess and beg for forgiveness, But I know it won't work.

 

That pain / ache in the stomach is nearly with me all the time. I'm quite isolated, our mutual friends have dropped me like a hot potato.

 

Please, I need some encouragement and support to maintain my NC.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated

 

water777

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((((water777))))

 

I'm sorry. That sucks.

 

Take it one day at a time....and when you want to contact her, remember WHY you two don't work. Repeat it to yourself every time you miss her.

 

Focus on making new friends and building a support network.

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This is so sad. It's a long time to be with someone. At the end of the day you tried all you could to repair the damage but sometimes it's not enough. This is no reflection on you. You didn't fail your relationship. Your wife changed and wanted something different. It happens a lot these days unfortunately. Hang in there! Keep yourself active through work. Set a couple of new goals or challenges for yourself so you have something to work towards. It bites about the friends!

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I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

13 years is a long time to be with someone -- but it's not forever. You CAN and WILL come through this a stronger, happier person.... and in time you'll even find love again!

 

For now, you've done the right thing by asking for time without communication so you can start to heal and recover from the shock of the breakup. I understand it's lonely now and I've also been in the position of watching married friends -- and relatives as well -- fall away in the face of a failed marriage. I think some people believe divorce is contagious!

 

But this time can also be a chance to recreate yourself and your life, once you get past the pain of the breakup. I made new friends following my divorce and renewed relationships with old ones I'd grown away from.... it's a reorganization of your social network. I also recommend actively looking to make new friendships. Volunteering, looking into clubs and groups from link removed, taking classes, joining a new gym -- there's lots of ways to start meeting new people when you're feeling stronger.

 

Here's a guide written by a fellow member here that will help you: link removed

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You will just feel awful for quite a long time to be honest with you. You should do the things sharky has recommended and they will start you on a road to recovery but you will just feel bad and have to go through it. Try not to think about it too much. I think it's ok to think about it lots for a certain amount of time because you can't do anything else anyway but try to ween yourself off it by staying busy. I am hoping to feel better one day myself but I still feel like I can't carry on living everyday. In the past I have started educational courses as a good was of getting on with life but I've kind of done that to death now and have no more money for things like that haha. But he has just started uni as a mature student and is off doing that so that too makes me feel like topping myself. Sorry, I'm supposed to be being encouraging...I guess you've just gotta hang in there

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Hi,

 

Thank you people. Then I get an email with her requesting money, furniture etc. I'll reply to it tomorrow, but then later that evening I get a phone call from a mutual friend out of the blue.

 

I asked if she had put him up to it, but he denied it, he asked me how I was doing? I broke down and sobbed for half an hour on the phone to him, he promised he wouldn't convey my feelings to her.

 

It's just a little bit to coincidental though he should ring.

 

So, I think I've broken NC in a round about kind of way. I feel dreadful.

 

Really has upset me and put me back.

 

Anyway, what do you do?

 

water777

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