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GF Stressed about my imposing some space


bob333

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Been going out with a cool lady for 3 months, only had one argument in all that time, its been great until the last few weeks.

She is caring and loving, she enjoys my company, and neither of us has been too intense, just seeing each other at the weekend.

I've always liked a few days off each week, just to breathe, I feel any less is like being on top of each other, in the past GF's have sort of moved in (without an invite), but after 2 weeks of them being here I slowly go nuts - stressed, can't think or plan or anything, and end up asking if they have knickers or hair to go wash at their place, just to get my space back.

 

I am in the middle of a large project, and she has been staying over most of the week for the last few weeks to help me (she is between jobs at the mo), which has been a great help, but in the last few days that creeping feeling of entrapment has reoccurred, so whilst at the same time I've felt obliged to not suggest she need to go back to hers to go get some clean smalls or iron her socks for a few days, I've also grown a little angsty of her company. Yesterday I suggested she go do her smalls, and dropped her at the train station later that evening.

 

Well she seemed upset about me asking her to go, I'm not sure if it signals that possibly she wants more from the relationship than me, (this is a re-occurring theme with GF's I find) - or that the manner in which I abruptly discarded her at the train station was upsetting. Bear in mind I had suggested earlier in the week that she go back to hers, as she did have a few tasks to do.

 

Anyway she has gone and I feel much better, and also now again looking forward to seeing her next, although am reluctant to break the space I have just imposed by texting/emailing her tonight.

 

Do you pander to your partners wants, and go slowly nuts, or be cruel and stand by what you know is good for you ?

 

Personally I feel its healthy to have some space, ie not seeing each other for a few days a week.

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I guess I would have liked her to just say - 'yeah no problem', and not make a drama out of it, but I think she has fallen in love with me, and I understand what all that entails, and that you need to treat that person with more care than normal, as they can be over sensitive if they feel an imbalance on that front, but I had a terrible time several years ago with one break up and just cant face being back in anything that intense at the moment, even years later ... does that sound weird ?

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It doesn't sound weird. At the same time, given that spending multiple days with someone drives you nutty and you already know that about yourself AND it's been a previous pattern that's damaged your relationships, you might be more cautious about spending that kind of time with a woman. From her perspective you let her stay with you while she helped you out and then shipped her off when you needed some space...both things that suited ..you. If you attract clingy girls and see a pattern, then set the pace differently.

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Yes your quite right, I'm assuming she'd sensed I needed some space, but possibly not and saw it as selfish behavior, in truth just I just needed to breathe, right then, so acted impulsively.

She's been at a loose end, and she offered to come help so I thought it would be nice, but my sense of space crept back in.

 

She's not particularly clingy, I've had much worse.

 

Think I need to go explain myself, and hopefully she will understand how my brain ticks.

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It doesn't sound weird. At the same time, given that spending multiple days with someone drives you nutty and you already know that about yourself AND it's been a previous pattern that's damaged your relationships, you might be more cautious about spending that kind of time with a woman. From her perspective you let her stay with you while she helped you out and then shipped her off when you needed some space...both things that suited ..you. If you attract clingy girls and see a pattern, then set the pace differently.

 

This, plus you may want to give fair warning in advance of this and set clear limits up front. Then it will come as no surprise to GF when you say, "Remember that space thing we talked about that I need regularly? I'm there. How about you?"

 

It's probably not a good idea to position yourself to get this hemmed in.

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I don't think asking for space is cruel at all, it's just the way you are doing it.

 

Most gals (me at least) would be okay, even grateful, if you explained that you need a few days to decompress and recuperate. It would also be kind and reassuring if you told her that it would give you a chance to miss her. Just have to be tactful, that's all.

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Umm, its been a few years since I've felt this as I've mostly been single in that time, its almost an unpleasant reminder, as most women I've met quite often want the opposite (or appear to), and it causes me and them stress.

 

As soon as it kicks in - I want to run away - albeit just for a short break, I've been trying to manage it up until the last few weeks, but guess her offer of help seemed too good to be true, even the hemline of her miniskirts couldn't stop me feeling ... hemmed in.

 

Its a gift to be allowed to miss someone, so many issues that run round our heads just evaporate when you go find your private space for a little bit.

 

A conversation is in order I think, hopefully she will understand.

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