We were best friends with feelings...now eight years later?

[JRay1980]

Hi everyone. I am looking for some advice on a very complicated situation I am in. in 2005 I Started working for a new company. I quickly became very good friends with a man that was in my training class. He was 8 years older than myself. At the time, I was 25, with a boyfriend. My male friend and I were SO much alike. We hung out all the time after work alone and with other people. We had so much in common, we had an amazing connection. Each time we hung out, I started to feel a pull- there was amazing chemistry. He would some times touch me (only little things here and there) and my entire body would respond. I would often catch him looking at me in ways you would not look at just a "friend". After a couple of months, my boyfriend left to move to the mid-west for work. Him and I were having issues, so we decided to take a break. My friend was aware of this, and things progressed with us. We were getting so close. I never felt the way he made me feel. One night we kissed several times and touched a little, but I was so afraid to cross that line with him because I didn't just feel sexual towards him, I had so many feelings so I left before it led to sex. At the end of a few months, my exboyfriend announced that he wanted to get back together with me. I decided to tell my friend. As soon as he found out my ex wanted to get back with me he immediately asked if I would like to date him. Without thinking, I shot him down. I don't know what made me do it- I think I was afraid to hurt my ex boyfriends feelings- it was really immature to do, but I really wanted to be with my friend. Instead I turned him down- I could tell he was crushed- as much as I liked him and wanted to be with him- I didn't listen to my heart. After that things immediately changed- we stopped spending time with each other only a little bit here and there. He didn't call me as much or text. It was clear he wanted more, so he just distanced himself from me. A few months later, he left work. We lost touch for several years until he found me on facebook. When he found me, I have since married (same guy who i got back with then) and I now have a child. He was engaged to be married. We casually chatted and after about 9 months of chatting here and there we met up for coffee. By the time we met up his fiance has left him for someone else. He was hurt. We tried to make plans for several months but never got to connect again. One night about 2 months ago, we started chatting online and things finally came out. Although I am married, he finally told me how he used to feel about me. Obviously I knew he liked me cuz of the way he was with me and he asked me out, but I never knew the extent. He said he had a insane attraction to me, wanted me very badly. He said he was still very attracted to me, still thinks of me that way but that I have a husband and so that was that. He said he is seeing someone and that he still wants me in his life. I miss him so much and I want to be good friends with him again- he is now 41, I am 33. He said that he wants to spend time with me and such, but he never makes much of an effort to spend time with me. My question is- is it possible he is somewhat distancing himself from me because he still has feelings for me and doesn't want to risk developing stronger feelings by spending time with me? I have been waiting to tell him in person that my husband and I are divorcing- I don't feel like it would be something good to discuss over email. How ever, I can't even really get him to hang out he either is always busy or something comes up. I don't think it's because he doesn't want to see me, I think he's avoiding me because of his feelings and not wanting to be hurt. What is the general thoughts? To me, the fact that we both have feelings still after 8 years that we never got to see what happened, is huge. That doesn't happen a lot- and I think we owe it to ourselves. I never connected with anyone that way, not even my husband. We both remember details of the times we spent together, we've always just thought about each other and now we finally have a chance to reconnect, but I feel like something is holding him back.

[El0t]

Go for it. What's the worst that could happen?

 

Best of luck.

[mhowe]

You are still married and have a child. Your husband will be in your life for forever. Your friend ra he'd out after his finance left him and is now in another relationship. When you first knew him...you were connected, but not sexually attracted and that was a long time ago.

 

My advice.would be to deal with your marriage/divorce...and concentrate on the child that will be impacted by all this. Your focus should not be on lining up your next relationship.

[catfeeder]

Given that he's so important to you, I would be careful not to set this up badly.

 

Where are you, exactly, in your divorce proceedings?

 

I would message the old flame that I have something important to tell him, and I'd ask for a good time to phone him.

 

I'd let him know that my feelings for him were mutual, exactly where my marriage stands today, that I don't intend to be available for year after my divorce is finalized, as I will be focused on my healing and tending to my child. I'd ask him if I can let him know when I've hit my year mark, and if he's still available at that time, maybe we could meet to catch up.

 

Then I'd remain out of contact except for maybe a holiday card or something.

 

Of crucial importance to me would be whether I'm possibly trashing my marriage to chase a fantasy. Was this divorce fully in progress prior to contact with the flame?

[JRay1980]

My marriage has been in shambles for many years before he came back in the picture. Keep in mind he first contact me almost 2 years ago, so this is not something where he just told me he still was attracted to me and I went out and signed divorce papers. I tried and tried with my husband, for almost 14 years we were together. My "friend" and I both were attracted to each other then and we both are now. He has stated to me that because of my husband, that is why he won't go there with me. All i want to do is be AROUND him. I am not saying I need him as my lover, I just want him in my life. I am definitely not ready to be in a full blown relationship. What is most upsetting to me is that he will barely give me the time of day since we both admitted feelings. I am thinking it has nothing to do with not wanting to be around me, I feel like it is an avoidance of me so as not to develop further feelings because to him he thinks he cant have me because I am married. I didn't feel like I should tell him over a chat last time we talked about my marriage going into divorce. I wanted to tell him face to face. We usually go weeks without talking to each other now. I don't know how he stays away from me if he has feelings, but I guess that's a man for you. It's hard for me, I care for him a lot.

[ParisPaulette]

You need to speak up, that's what got you two missing each other when you were single before remember? Tell him you're in the middle of a divorce, you want to keep things to just a friendship until you are free and clear and then after that, if he's willing, you'd like to see if the friendship goes elsewhere. He's not wanting to meet with you right now and he's keeping you at arm's lenght, because he thinks you're happily married and he's being respectful of you and his own heart too. It's not fair on your part to assume he'd just be glad to have only a friendship with you and as long as he thinks that's all you're offering he will avoid you, rightly so. I actually respect the man for that and you should too. It's a rare individual who won't try to use the situation to their own advantage and gains and he's showing you that he really does care about you by not wanting to put anything there where an affair, emotional or physical, could potentially start.

 

Speak up now or by the time you decide to tell him he may well not be single again and it'll be too late once more. It's time to lay everything out on the table, get through your divorce and get healed from that, and then if you're both single to just go for it.

[catfeeder]

You need to speak up, that's what got you two missing each other when you were single before remember? [...]

 

Yep. Use the past fail as a valuable lesson learned instead of repeating the same mistake.

 

Insisting that communication must happen a certain way is just another way to blow it again--I'd skip that.

 

If you message him that you have something important to tell him, he can reconsider contact.

 

If you're waiting for the perfect delivery to resolve some fantasy, then THAT is how you'll lose him...again.

[JRay1980]

that is true. so many things went unsaid. i asked him why he didnt make a move sooner and he said that we were such good friends he didnt know what to do. we both felt that way. for me, the biggest part of all this is what we've BOTH admitted to still having an attraction after all this time, to be, it's worth it to just meet up and talk and rekindle the friendship and let him know how I feel. I am just not sure how to go about it.

[abitbroken]

I am not saying I need him as my lover, I just want him in my life. I am definitely not ready to be in a full blown relationship

 

Don't trample this guys heart. You were very attracted to him when you were breaking up with your boyfriend (but got back together) and now you are breaking up with your husband. I would really assess things - are you going to do it again to him and decide to get back with your husband? WHy is your marriage in shambles? Is it something you would repeat in a new relationship? I think if you want to - tell him you are in the middle of a divorce. Don't ask him to wait for you. Just state a fact.

 

But really - part of me says 1) Do not do anything that gets in the way of reconciling with your husband. But I know you won't do that. 2) It is cruel to give this friend the "I just want you in my life" stuff and not want to be with him. If you do that, you will most likely lose him forever. He so much wants to be more than friends and you know that. It is using him to just want to be "in his presence" and not offer him a relationship or at least test the waters on it - to basically tell him "I want you in my life" and to friendzone him.

 

So - get through your divorce and work on healing. But don't string him along. Right now he is going to be a huge rebound that you regret.

 

Also, don't be surprised if he has already found someone.

 

btw, did your divorce have anything to do with you not being "all in" because you were thinking of this guy?