This is my journal to heal and move on from my ex.

[deejay74]

yesterday and today have been just awful. i didn't go to work yesterday because the meds i'm on made me feel weird and i didn't get any sleep the night before.

 

i can't stop thinking about my ex. i miss her so much. but maybe i am confusing her with just missing being in love and missing the companionship.

i don't know anymore.

 

all i know is i want to stop thinking about her and to completely move on.

 

what am i holding on to?

 

clearly she doesn't want to be with me. she didn't love me enough to work things out. she broke up with me 5 times. do i really want to be with someone like that? so why am i having such a hard time letting go of her?

 

she blames me for everything. she said i tried to control her and that i abused her. that's so not true. i never have been told that by any of my exes. if the relationship was so awful, why did she take me back 5 times? why did she sign a lease on this apartment she left me with?

 

i loved her like no one else. i thought she was "the one". she told me thought i was too.

 

i lost my mind after the break up and did some things i regret, but that doesn't make me a bad guy. i was so heartbroken.

 

i am trying to live with the fact that i will never see her again and that we just aren't meant to be together. it's been the hardest thing in my life. i've even survived cancer, but this is harder!

 

i want to force myself to cry and let it all out but it's not working.

[deejay74]

i just had a good, healthy cry with my mom on the phone. i called her because i was having such a hard time the past couple of days. she's really the only family member i can talk to anymore. no one wants to hear my sob story and that kind of hurts but i understand.

 

my step dad died in 2010 and she was expressing the grief she felt and we both started crying on the phone. i felt bad she was crying to but we both were crying together.

 

after i got off the phone, i cried some more.

 

i feel a little bit better but i am still sad.

 

i'm going out with 2 female friends tonight to a vegan fund raising dinner. one of them lost her mother 4 months ago yesterday and they both know what i am going through. so i will be in good company tonight.

[deejay74]

what is going on with me this weekend?! it's been really bad. i miss my ex so much for some reason. i'm really hating my life right now.

[tk123]

They say grief is cyclical. We go through many periods of thinking we are over it, only to be reminded by something innocuous and to go back to feeling a little sad or victimised. It will take a long while for it all to settle, but I hope you have chances to get over it in a healthy manner. Keep posting and don't beat yourself up much when you fall off the wagon. It happens to the best of people.