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This is my journal to heal and move on from my ex.


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yesterday and today have been just awful. i didn't go to work yesterday because the meds i'm on made me feel weird and i didn't get any sleep the night before.


i can't stop thinking about my ex. i miss her so much. but maybe i am confusing her with just missing being in love and missing the companionship.

i don't know anymore.


all i know is i want to stop thinking about her and to completely move on.


what am i holding on to?


clearly she doesn't want to be with me. she didn't love me enough to work things out. she broke up with me 5 times. do i really want to be with someone like that? so why am i having such a hard time letting go of her?


she blames me for everything. she said i tried to control her and that i abused her. that's so not true. i never have been told that by any of my exes. if the relationship was so awful, why did she take me back 5 times? why did she sign a lease on this apartment she left me with?


i loved her like no one else. i thought she was "the one". she told me thought i was too.


i lost my mind after the break up and did some things i regret, but that doesn't make me a bad guy. i was so heartbroken.


i am trying to live with the fact that i will never see her again and that we just aren't meant to be together. it's been the hardest thing in my life. i've even survived cancer, but this is harder!


i want to force myself to cry and let it all out but it's not working.

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i just had a good, healthy cry with my mom on the phone. i called her because i was having such a hard time the past couple of days. she's really the only family member i can talk to anymore. no one wants to hear my sob story and that kind of hurts but i understand.


my step dad died in 2010 and she was expressing the grief she felt and we both started crying on the phone. i felt bad she was crying to but we both were crying together.


after i got off the phone, i cried some more.


i feel a little bit better but i am still sad.


i'm going out with 2 female friends tonight to a vegan fund raising dinner. one of them lost her mother 4 months ago yesterday and they both know what i am going through. so i will be in good company tonight.

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  • 1 month later...

They say grief is cyclical. We go through many periods of thinking we are over it, only to be reminded by something innocuous and to go back to feeling a little sad or victimised. It will take a long while for it all to settle, but I hope you have chances to get over it in a healthy manner. Keep posting and don't beat yourself up much when you fall off the wagon. It happens to the best of people.

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