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This is my journal to heal and move on from my ex.


deejay74

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I don't know if I should post all the details of the break up or what happened afterwards. I am not sure if it's relevant, but if some of you want to know, just ask and I will tell you what happened and post some links to threads I started on here.

 

Needless to say, things deteriorated pretty badly after the BU. I did some things that I regret and now my ex doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

 

I blocked her on FB, deleted my Instagram and Tumblr accounts (my ex was reading my tumblr blog. i was posting things to overcome anxiety and the breakup and it was totally anonymous but she was upset about some of the things I had posted. I never said anything bad).

 

At any rate, I heard from her 4 days ago where she was telling me how she felt about what I was posting on my tumblr page. I deleted everything only a couple of days ago. She actually deleted her Instagram and Tumblr accounts before I did, which is odd, because her life revolves being online (she's got no friends in real life and lived her life online since she was a teen) and she craves attention.

 

Needless to say, the email conversation wasn't good, mostly on her part. She was very mean and always blamed me for everything and said she was always committed to me, which is a lie. see this thread, which will explain what i mean:

 

I've been getting better, but it's been a very slow progress.

 

I had an awesome Thanksgiving at my apartment with my whole family there and I was happy. I actually went to bed not thinking about her and woke up fine.

 

I'm here at work but all of a sudden, I am getting kind of sad. I think maybe the reality of everything is sinking in. I realize that NC has only been 4 days.

 

So, day 4 of strict NC.

 

I'm worried about next month, though. 12/5 would've been our 1 year anniversary and I vividly remember that month last year. It was one of the best ones in recent memory because we had just started dating. And Christmas is gonna suck because I will be alone.

 

Let's hope I can be strong enough to maintain NC.

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Good morning deejay-

 

Glad you made a journal. Super happy to hear you were able to enjoy your Thanksgiving. This is demonstrative of why it is important to still maintain your friendships and familial relationships even when you just want to sit in your bedroom and mope. But at the same time it is also good to take the time to not mope per say, but be able to sit with your own feelings and learn how to self-soothe.

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Good morning deejay-

 

Glad you made a journal. Super happy to hear you were able to enjoy your Thanksgiving. This is demonstrative of why it is important to still maintain your friendships and familial relationships even when you just want to sit in your bedroom and mope. But at the same time it is also good to take the time to not mope per say, but be able to sit with your own feelings and learn how to self-soothe.

 

Hi, Cheetarah.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

I haven't been moping too much. But I still am tired all the time and just want to sleep. I got clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety after I sought help post BU so I am on anti-depressants (Viibryd) and anti-anxiety meds (Ativan).

 

I hoping the sadness will dissipate soon and my motivation will come back. And, most of all, I want to stop thinking about my ex.

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I took Ativan for one year for panic attacks, then had to stop pretty much immediately after I found I was pregnant, very quick weaning process( I can't even tell you if I had withdrawls or not because I was already puking from morning sickness - haha). At that point, I had gone from .5mg as needed to 6mg a day. Which is a lot. You can build up a tolerance quickly and benzos are also pretty addictive. So just take care - How much are you taking and how often?

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I took Ativan for one year for panic attacks, then had to stop pretty much immediately after I found I was pregnant, very quick weaning process( I can't even tell you if I had withdrawls or not because I was already puking from morning sickness - haha). At that point, I had gone from .5mg as needed to 6mg a day. Which is a lot. You can build up a tolerance quickly and benzos are also pretty addictive. So just take care - How much are you taking and how often?

 

I don't recall at the moment. I will have to check when I get home and I will post here. Ever since the BU, I will wake up some mornings with such anxiety that my hands and fee tingle. I can't sleep through the night soundly. I was also prescribed Lunesta to help me sleep but even with that, I still wake up many times during the night. I am trying not to take them too much because I was told I could develop a dependency on them, plus it makes my mouth dry.

 

I hate these waves of sadness that come about.

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Day 5 of strict NC.

 

I couldn't sleep well. I don't know if it's the combination for Ativan and Lunesta but I kept waking up and I had a lot of strange dreams.

 

Many of my dreams were "mini" dreams about my ex but they were very brief. But I've noticed a difference in how I feel about them. I didn't wake up sad, or with any emotion. I am just woke up tired and anxious. There was one "mini" dream where I kind of walked in on her having sex with someone. I figured I would've been so sad and or frustrated, but I am not. Maybe because I haven't quite woken up or maybe I've crossed through a threshold in healing. I hope it's the latter.

 

I need to make a trip to Ikea today which is very, very close to where she lives. I know the chances of running into her are slim, but I may get triggered with sadness. It's literally the same exit as hers but we have to go the opposite way. When we used to hang out, we would often drive pass the Ikea because it's next to a bunch of shopping centers. I don't know what I'd do if I see her car or if she drives next to us or passes by us. I won't be in my car so she probably won't even know.

 

At any rate, day #5. In 5 days would be our 1 year anniversary.

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Ok, I am having a moment of weakness. I want to email her but I will not! Instead, I will post here what I want to say to her.

 

I'm getting very anxious being so physically near her later today.

 

Dear S,

 

I hope you had a good Thanksgiving spent with family and that it was a happy one.

 

I also hope that the anger you feel about me and any other negative emotions that you are feeling

or harboring will dissipate and ease soon. If it’s any consolation, I have not moved on completely

yet. If you’re still trying to move on, I hope you are finding some comfort. I thought about it and I

understand why you’re angry. I honestly assumed you’d be completely over me and much happier

with your life without me in it, though.

 

I realized that we will never get back together and that maybe we won’t be friends (your choice),

but know that you’re someone I’ll always care about.

 

Regardless of what you think, I don’t only think sh*tty things about you. There are many things

I miss about you and us.

 

I really wish you peace and happiness.

 

Sincerely,

DJ

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Day 6 of strict NC.

 

My parents just left after being here for a week at my place. I had a great Thanksgiving with my family here.

 

I went out last night with friends and had a great time.

 

But, now my parents left, and I'm feeling a wave of sadness and loneliness hit me. I almost feel like crying. Having my parents here was a source of comfort and distraction. Now I have to face being alone again, which is what I am trying to learn how to be OK with.

 

I so want to reach out to my ex. I'm really missing her today, but I can't. And it sucks.

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I'm having quite the rough day today. I'm really missing my ex a lot. I know it hasn't been that long since the BU and from last contact, but I am so tired of grieving and feeling the loss and pain of the BU.

 

I am spending and wasting too much energy on her, but my mind is like a TV channel I can't change.

 

I just want to get back to some normalcy and to stop ruminating.

 

Everyone says it takes time. I wish there was a FFWD button to life sometimes.

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So far, today isn't as bad as I though it would be.

 

The weather has been nice, warm, and the sun has been out. That helps. Plus I got really busy at work.

 

I need to stop thinking about my ex and wondering what she's doing and if she's with someone else. I need to work and focus on myself but at times it's so hard because I miss her, especially not having her in my life.

 

I haven't seen her or heard her voice in a little over 2 months. I may never again. She is so angry at me and probably hates me. I have no idea.

 

I don't think she has any idea with what's going on with me, either.

 

Someday, I do hope she comes back into my life, even as just a friend. But I have to let go of that hope, and that's the hardest part.

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One thing I've learned from my ex is that she has no idea what commitment means. Everyone's got issues, I never was abusive to her at all. I got insecure at times and some of my other issues came up, but to break up with me 5 times, is not commitment. I should've walked away the 2nd or even 3rd time, but my low self esteem and my "love" kept me coming back to you. I also took all of her issues, as she has her fair share, but i always stood by her.

 

Leaving me with that apartment we got together is not commitment.

 

Having unresolved feelings with someone you've been intimate with before me, and keeping a daily, uncomfortably closer-than-friends, relationship with D while we were together is not commitment. You blamed my insecurities for feeling something that wasn't quite right and I was right about it is not commitment.

 

Your relationship with D also got in between past relationships. You repeat the patterns of your behavior and never learn. You blame everyone else for your problems and project.

 

I still care and love my ex and I hope she's going to be happy, but I also hope she learns from her patterns of bad behavior and her issues.

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Today, i had a moment of weakness. I emailed my ex. Yes, I know I shouldn't have done it, but I really do care about her regardless of what she did to me during the relationship and what I did afterwards.

 

All I said was "re you ok? just hoping you won't stay mad at me forever.

 

tomorrow would've been our 1 year anniversary.

 

please don't get upset at me emailing you. i just want to see if you're holding

up alright."

 

I know I shouldn't have done it, but I don't really feel bad about it. I am 100% not expecting a response and I think she has my email addresses filtered.

 

I don't feel like this is a set back either. I just couldn't resist because I really hope she's ok.

 

Back to moving on...

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Well of course you don't yet, because you just did it. It probably feels relieving for the time being.

 

She's fine. If someone tells you to leave them alone then you have to do that. Remember what she last said.

 

Yeah I do need to remember what she last said.

 

The past couple of days have been somewhat interesting. I am feeling a shift in how I feel about my ex. I still miss her but thankfully the thoughts of her are becoming ever so slightly less. I do care about her but something tells me she's still hurting too.

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Yeah, it is!

 

If you were feeling a shift you wouldn't have reached out. Your shift is probably that you reached out, it temporarily is quelling some uneasy feelings inside you and maybe even stirring up a little bit of hope. Plus, you're really looking for her to hurt. Let's be real with ourselves.

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Yeah, it is!

 

If you were feeling a shift you wouldn't have reached out. Your shift is probably that you reached out, it temporarily is quelling some uneasy feelings inside you and maybe even stirring up a little bit of hope. Plus, you're really looking for her to hurt. Let's be real with ourselves.

 

Do I hope she's hurting? Kind of, but not in a vindictive kind of way. It's more like if she is, we're going through this together, in some sense. I don't know if that makes any sense or not.

 

I thought about what hope I would be feeling. It's definitely not to get her back. I just hope/want that she can forgive me for the things I did after the break up. I am trying to forgive her for what she did to me during the relationship. I still feel bad. And I am trying to forgive myself.

 

As I said, I am very sure I won't get a response. She may never contact me again. Am I ok with that? Not really. I do hope some day when all the feelings and dust settles, we can at least be friends.

 

Actually, there will be a point in time when I need to contact her. When I move out of this apartment we got together, I will have to give her her deposit back. That's a long time from now and I don't know where she'll be at that point, but then the time comes, I will deal with it.

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I'm still feeling pretty good. Actually, the last 2 days have been the best I've felt in a long time. Even though I sent my ex an email, it was with the acceptance that she wouldn't respond, or has filtered my email to go in her trash. I guess it felt good to send something knowing the outcome would be either of the 2.

 

I had a friend come over tonight and I barely mentioned my ex's name.

 

Could tomorrow be a set back from this? Very possible. We'll have to see.

 

One good thing at work is I am going to get super busy very soon, as early as tomorrow. It has been kind of slow and I have been distracted with this site and had too much free time to think about my ex, so I am looking forward to getting busy at work.

 

I'll update this tomorrow to see how things may have changed, stayed the same, or gotten better.

 

I'm actually convincing myself that my ex is with someone else and sleeping with him. She tends to move fast and is easy. We slept on the first date.

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Lol, what does that make you? Takes two to have sex.

 

 

Anyway, I'm glad you're experiencing a reprieve

 

it was a male friend that came by, if that's what the sex reference is.

 

Thanks.

 

Today would've been our 1 year anniversary. Happy (would be) Anniversary, S!

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No, this.

 

Take it easy today.

 

Oh, that's true. But in all honestly, I tried to wait.

 

Anyway, I'm taking today moment by moment. I did another stupid thing and unblocked her from Facebook. Didn't see anything that hurt me but now I gotta wait 48 hours to reblock her. meh.

 

Some days I'm strong, other days I am weak.

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