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what just happened? Does this sound like there still is a chance?


staysound

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I already apologize for the long post.. but here goes..

I put this in breaking up section but honestly I don't know where I'm at, I feel we've just broken up, but I don't know..

 

I posted on here only a couple of days ago about my relationship and some questions I struggled with.

And now suddenly the rug has been pulled from under my feet and I try to get a grasp on what just happened.

I had some doubts about my relationship because of the rather severe reserved characteristics of my boyfriend.

Lately he was getting more and more stuff from his home into mine, even pots and pans and although I liked where this was leading to it also got me very confused.

Wednesday we went for a drink early in the evening and as we sat by the bar just the two of us, he was yawning all the time and every time I tried to start a conversation he wouldn't contribute, sometimes without even a blink in his eye. He turned away constantly, body language type I mean, and looked as if anybody and anything else was more interesting than me sitting there. He had done this before, especially after a hardworking day, but I felt so put down about it this time.

While going home and after I tried to initiate a conversation again and telling him about his constant yawning (even the bartender mentioned this to him!) he said I already knew he was like this sometimes and why I wondered so much. Well, not really a question, more like a statement.

I did't feel good about it and by the next day I was moping around, couldn't smile to him and answered any question with rather short and blank answers. I just didn't feel good about the night before and was thinking real heavily about him and us.

By the evening he finally asked me what was wrong but i was still that much in 'thinking mode', not much came out from my side.

He said he was going to his place and clean up a bit (not much there is left, most of it is at my place, also because that morning he moved a fairly big amount into my place, I felt so confused because of the night before..)

He stayed away longer than I expected and when i called he said he was going to stay at his place to do some thinking on his own. He then drops that he already decided that evening that he wasn't going to give up his place anytime soon, and because I was clingy on the phone, he now certainly wasn't going to give it up. (might I mention here that I agreed at this point, this was all too weird all of a sudden, all I could do was agree)

 

I panicked though and tried to call him several more times asking for him to come and talk to me, without result and then left it at that because he said i should now just give him space for the evening which then I did.

 

Yesterday he didn't call me all day, neither did I, I had a funeral to attend, an acquaintance passed away last week, not a good friend, still funerals are no fun..

 

In the evening after his work he texted to ask if i was home, I said yes.

He came in (with my favourite type of drink..?) and sat down. I asked what he had to say (after his moment of thinking and taking his space). He said, 'well I'm not going to give my place up for rent'.

I wasn't satisfied with his answer and explained how I felt about the evening in the bar, my confusion about him bringing in more stuff while I'm left feeling he doesn't care for me enough, or doesn't care how he sometimes makes me feel, even after I try to tell him how he makes me feel.

 

I'm talking and he doesn't say two words, just sits there and sighs and sometimes telling me off with a short 'blah blah blah'..

Says that nothing he says will convince me that he did want to give us a go (he didn't say anything meaningful, so he didn't even try!) and that I'm the one who has her mind set, not him. But by now (one conversation, one fight, we haven't had a fight before, just some slight friction here and there and that's it!)

his mind is set this isn't going to work out.

I cry, ask him to leave and he does immediately.

I'm left feeling in shock and try to convince him through the phone to come back. He responds that everything's been said, I'm only making it worse, he says I said I can find better than him (I didn't) and that I find him stupid for not being able to talk like i can or be as expressive as I am. I NEVER said these things, I only wanted him to give me feedback because I was so confused and being left in the dark.

 

I spent the whole evening begging him to back and try to figure this out, he refused, and spent the whole night crying not knowing what the h*ll just happened in two days.

 

This morning after this rough night he texts me he was going to already collect some of his basic things and will do the rest asap.

While he arrives and gets to it I cry and try to make him stay a bit longer to perhaps talk again, he won't hear of it.

Calls me drama and says i'm pushing and pulling and he won't have that.

I honestly didn't know how to answer to that, the way I see it I only wanted to express my feelings and worries and all I wanted was for him to acknowledge my feelings and see if we could try to communicate better in the future.

I did however say the night before that if we can not communicate we have no relationship to return too, he took this in immediate effect and left me completely dumbstrucked.

 

I'm not one to prefer texting and calling over the phone but he leaves me no choice!

So I sent him an email and texted if he could please read it and let me know something and I wouldn't further bother him today.

He replied with 'ok'.

 

Don't get me wrong, this all isn't good AT ALL and after talking to my best friend I also think and feel we probably shouldn't get this going any further, but I'm just trying to rap my head around this.

 

How does this story sound to you guys? What would you say to him? And how does his reactions/attitude look like to you? Emotionally unavailable? Or did I just do something completely wrong to give him such a huge change of heart in two days time?

First moving the stuff in, and two days later, packing up again..

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First of all, back off. Begging and texting and emailing and calling won't bring him back, it will only push him further away.

Second, are you sure you want him back? To me, it sounds like he wasn't that interested in the relationship in the first place. Someone who changes his mind after just one fight, isn't committed to the relationship.

What I would say to him is nothing. I would consider the relationship over and go on my way. Oh, and I don't know if he's emotionally unavailable in general but it sure seems like he's emotionally unavailable to you and that's all that matters. You can do better.

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that is also how I feel, but additional details, he has a 5 year old daughter who by now has place to sleep in my house (not so much more at his place) and he introduced to all of his family, I was going to meet his dad next week... I'm so confused to his strong reaction and pull back.. one hour of real converation and he's out? It seems so surreal..

The email said everything I wanted to say now afterwards, I won't be begging no more, I know that is no use, especialy not with him..

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OK, sweetie, so sorry you are going through this.

 

Just to clarify, you are broken up. And it is something he has been thinking about for a while. From the way he made it sound, it seems like he was really hesitant about giving up his place. Likely, him examining his feelings about a future living with you was one factor in making that final decision. I agree that moving lots of stuff in was a mixed message, but I wonder if he was doing that to half-heartedly "give it a go" as he says.

 

It's pretty clear, though, that he's been checked out for at least a little while. He obviously has some resentment towards you about your concerns about his expressiveness. Honestly, though, you know he has been expressive in his previous relationships. So, what I think this makes clear is that he wasn't that into you as he has been into others.

 

Don't feel bad about it. What that means to me is that pretty much anything you would have done would annoy him because the feelings of love and desire are not really there for him. If you were the woman for him, he would have been more expressive in the first place.

 

I think your doubts about him were on target. And he is doing you a favor by ending this now 5/6 months in. You would have stayed another 6 months or 1 year hoping for him to improve. He would not have.

 

You are 33 and the best gift you can get is a man who is the wrong man to step aside so you can find the right man for you!

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thank you so much ms Darcy for your sweet reply, I can't stop crying not knowing what just happened to me.. I feel so helpless aswell, because it seems there's just nothing I can do about this and for the moment I can't cope with how this came about.

I feel betrayed also because of all the moving in with his things, even last wednesday he brought so many cute little things, his records, his plants, pots and pans, all of his shoes, previous the introduction to his family, the spending so much time with his daughter if this isn't what he wanted in the first place, why drag me through it?

 

You are right though, I know it in my heart that you are, but this confusion is killing me.

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tif this isn't what he wanted in the first place, why drag me through it?

 

Because he didn't know for sure. It seemed like an accelerated effort externally while internally he had doubts. You both had doubts. This is the decision he came to. Yours was to stick it out.

 

Give it time. Your gut knew he wasn't right for you.

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I already apologize for the long post.. but here goes..

I put this in breaking up section but honestly I don't know where I'm at, I feel we've just broken up, but I don't know..

 

..

 

Hello!

 

I am really confused why you didnt get the indications earlier?? The complete story has breakup written all over it.

 

I mean if he is not interested in talking to you and showing no inclination in continuing with the conversation, I would personally stop the conservation and give it a break of 2-3 days so that if he is interested in talking or sharing things, he would!

 

The complete breakup thing in most of the cases if not all of a sudden, its always a series of events that eventually goes to the extreme. I would seriously recommend that if you are noticing sudden change in behavior of your partner, no need to confront immediately. Give them time for 2-3 days and you also make it sure that you make it evident that you have noticed it..

 

If the other person reciprocates positively, give your 100%, but if they dont, keep yourself prepared so that the break up is less painful!

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You are right....

I suppose all there is left is waiting how or if he responds to the email I sent. I don't know how I will cope if he has nothing more to say, I don't mean I need closure, I don't have an absolute believe in something like closure and I realise closure is just something you get through time, not through answers, but

it'll take a long time to understand his sudden ability to decide this, if it was on his mind for a while now, did he just wait out yet another reaction to his behaviour by me? He said I'm going to blame him anyway so why bother to give me feedback... So I'm left wondering.

 

My email early this morning was a plea for making up and not leaving after one fight... but now I read your impression Ms Darcy and I fear you are totaly right and my gut was too..

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hi Oigoi, he hasn't had a change in behaviour, he has always been reserved, or distant is what I should rather call it, especialy now afterwords..

there were no series of events! None at all, we had had some friction before due to me expressing that I felt he was sometimes too distant and how he would hardly touch or kiss me but it has been that way from the start. I could live with that accepting of who he is and all, but sometimes I would bring it up, especialy since I learned a few more details about his history (my other post on the post it note and the pictures)

He did say things weren't that great between us these past two weeks (two weeks!) but he only said this now. Not while it was supposedly not going so well.

I could have tried to glue things if I had known he felt this way but he preferred to only bring this up now apparently..

 

I go from heartache to anger to heartache again.

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I have also found that many people have a hard time dealing with a new partner's

anxiety and emotionalism. and the doubting becomes contagious. this is not to say that a cheery outlook when your relationship is in trouble guarantees that it will last. it is just to say that relieving, rather than adding, pressure during times of distress and discord is a good relationship skill. feel better.

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hi Iam42,

 

I have pained my brain with that exact thought these past two days, "did I plant this doubt in his head", he definitely makes it look as if I did.

With the little feedback he gave me that was part of his motivation actualy, 'things have been weird these past couple of weeks, me wanting more of his attention etc..' I did explain to him that being without a job is beginning to weigh on me and I feel bad/insecure that he now knows me longer without a job than with one.

I know he fancied the fact that I'm an energetic person, outgoing and seemed to be doing lots of stuff in my life, but now that I don't have a job, doesn't mean I can go out there and change the world, or start a new religion or something, it's like he lost a part of respect for me, he said he was dissapointed that i wasn't doing anything all day: which is not true by the way, after a while of being unemployed it just gets harder to do something meaningful every day. I got really mad at him for saying that because this is not something I can change so easily myself or that is part of my personality, I got fired, what am I supposed to do?

Unfire myself?

 

It was uncalled for and got me really angry, because I feel like it's just an excuse for some other reason he doesn't want to express to me.

Or maybe he's just very confused himself and he doesn't want to put in the effort to figure this one out.

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just to get back at my -probably very naive question- header.. this does not have a chance anymore?

My best friend advised me with: if he comes over and tries to repair some of the damage then maybe.

So if he would be willing to talk again, should I let him?

My gut and heart knows that if this is how fights would go with him walking out and be very defensive then he probably isn't the man for me,

but if the damage only lasts for two days, what then? Is that acceptable? If he would calm down and be prepared to talk or at least put all of this into the right perspective, because I think all of this is so over the top, it confuses me like nothing else.

 

My gut and heart also tells me he won't though.. but I can't read minds or predict the future either..

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I definitely don't think you should blame yourself at all! you have every right to experience the warmth and enthusiasm that makes you feel happy and secure. it's just that distancing behaviors are caused by doubts and stress, and the best way to manage that is to back off and to be responsive when the person comes back. keep the temperature of the interactions upbeat. then, bring up your concerns when you and the person are feeling more connected. I KNOW how hard this is - I can't do it. but I know it works with me when I have distanced or been unsure or overwhelmed in a new relationship.

 

at this point I definitely don't think that you should pursue him. dont contact him at all. If he contacts you, be measured, receptive and warm, and hear him out. definitely guard your heart while being pleasant until you know if he's serious. you have gotten hurt here, and it is time to start nursing your precious self! it sounds like your job loss really affected your self esteem and made you more vulnerable. perhaps, you can turn your attention to finding a new job and becoming active and excited about your own life.

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hi iam42, thank you for your good advice. I will not contact him anymore, also because I made sure to ask him to definitely read my email and let me know something. If that is today or tomorrow or never, I will not ask him again. He did respond with 'ok'.

I will have to see him anyhow one of these days soon because of the fact that all his stuff is at my place and his home is as good as empty.

He also still has my housekey so if he is not willing to calm down about this, and I mean by that, to sit around the table and have a calm conversation no matter if it is with positive or a negative outcome, he will have to return my key as soon as possible.

I will not grant him the comfort of going in and out of my place if he will not grant me the comfort of knowing what just happened and speak up.

 

Maybe that's childish, I don't know, but this confusion and this feeling like a rock just me hit me in the forhead makes my thinking very blurry.

 

I am focussed about getting a new job, and yes it is getting at me, mostly because of his remarks about being dissapointed in me, in what I do all day, or don't do, I have however put out 13 jobapplications last week alone, I'm not getting any response. It is getting at me, I always have been able to write good application letters and was never this long without a job. I'm afraid I might loose my (rather expensive) home if I don't find one soon, but admittedly I was very distracted with him these past few weeks. Not in the sense that I thought it was going to end like it did, but rather just thinking about how I could find a common ground with him communication wise. apparently there is none. I feel betrayed. Anyway..

 

I guess he has done me a favor by ending this, even if I feel this hasn't been dealt with in an honorable or honest way, still..

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I suggest you make no demands at this point. Go along with whatever he wants to do regarding his stuff, your housekey, telling you more about what happened, and whatever it is you asked him in that email that he agreed to tell you.

 

Just stop demanding, stop asking for things, stop trying to control the outcome.

 

Let him do what he wants. Become an "automatic agreement machine" and don't push him to iron out the post breakup logistics of his stuff/your key.

 

Take a HUUUUUUUGE step back. Strive for No Contact. Your focus right now needs to be on YOU and only YOU -- and off of him. You need to become obsessed with yourself, with healing, with feeling better and taking care of the pressing issues in your life, like your job search and keeping your home (can you get a roommate?)

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

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hi sharky988,

 

thank you for your thoughtful reply and you are right. At some point in time that is.

I have dealt with a huge breakup two years ago and I'm familiar with a lot of the available online help.

I went through a successful yet heartbreaking period of pure NC and did the whole journaling, going through therapy, and I know I'm adequitely prepared for what's to come.

That is, in the coming days and weeks.

Today I grant myself the space to be confused and not think about NC right now. I will however leave him alone because with my email this morning I said all I could say. It is up to him now to come over.. or don't and to collect his stuff.

 

However, this is my home, and my hurt, if he can not sit around the table like a decent human being and provide me with a calm and acceptable answer as to why all of a sudden our almost entirely conflictless relationship came to an end after one significant fight, he can not do as he pleases like apparently he has done regarding my honesty about my feelings from day one.

 

I haven't heard from him since this morning, I know tomorrow he has a big day with his daughter, that comes first as well which I understand, she probably won't stay the night since all of her things are in at my home still, so also if he decides that going out drinking is more important than reaching out or anything in that direction, I will not consider this taking some needed space for himself. I'm here with all of his stuff in my house with racing thoughts how it could have gotten to this in such short period of time. By tomorrow he can start showing some empathy for how this has affected me instead of him, or his key of my place will be demanded back asap.

 

My house is built that way that a roommate or me would not have the required privacy, it has been an option previously considered, but it would only cause stress on the person living here and on me..

I will just have to find a way to financially make it through this mess. I will have to cope with around 250$ next month for food, gas.. if I don't start working asap.

When i was younger I have dealt with this before, it's enormously stressful but i will have to pull it off somehow.

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Sorry for your broken heart- We understand, this is NOT easy.....

 

It almost sounds like he had a 'wake up call'? Like instant 'cold feet' like turning away from marriage.

Maybe it just suddenly sunk in- the 'reality' of what was happening and he didn't actually want that.

 

His reaction now is to 'back off', totally from you. He's putting himself at a safe 'distance', probably because of these sudden doubts.. whirlwind of kaos.

 

So maybe it IS for the best, right now to let him do his 'thinking' and give space.

Hopefully he'll come around soon and 'want' to talk with you.

 

take care- we understand this is hard.

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The one thing I woud caution you about is how you react to people's feedback. Especially for someone reserved who "gives little feedback" when they do speak, it is a very telling window into his heart. He is entitled to his feelings and if a guy does feel disappointment in you "not doing something meaningful every day", perhaps consider listening without reacting. He may have actually had a point. Maybe he felt like your lack of job was making you smother him/focus on the relationship more/more insecure. But that is a good time to self-reflect.

 

I know how hard it is to find a job. I was out of work for a year after I graduated from college years ago. While I didn't spend 40 hours looking for a job, I actually drove down to job sites trying to meet people. I actually exercised a lot more and ate much better and lost a ton of weight. I changed major things about me and I can say that time not working was the best thing that happened to me.

 

Losses are often blessings in disguise. For me, I became healthy physically and got closer to my parents. For you, as you look, you will have more time to focus on yourself instead on a guy who is just causing you worry and stress.

 

I am pulling for you.

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I asked him many a times if he was sure about being with me actually every single day, always inviting me along with him if he went out, it was me who once in a while went out on my own. Outside of going to his work, that's all he did on his own. All of a sudden he spents two nights in a row in bars and alone.

I could easily think perhaps there is someone else, but i honestly don't see where he could have found the time. Maybe back to his ex of two years, they have been more in contact recently but really, my gut says that isn't it.

It was an ex before me, they were seperated since last year october, have stayed ambiguous until february and then it really ended. He had a few new flings after that and then me..

I told him in our conversation yesterday that if he wanted out I gave him plenty of room to get out throughout our relationship. I didn't force the living with me part one bit, I went happily along. I have never begged or pleaded with him before and when I felt he needed to be his little reserved self I just let him.

I just let him be himself for the majority of the time.

That is, until I felt a bit belittled by his behaviour in that bar wednesday and I spoke up about that and how it made me feel he was being so distant.

I admit I was emotional when doing so, and I admit I said that there has to be a form of true intimacy and above all communication otherwise he is just my live in friend, and that's when it all came to a fall, said I apparently made up my mind.

 

It does seem like he wanted this to come this far so he could leave without having to explain anything and forcing this decision on me.

It also seems like I took the bait.

 

However, from what I know of him being so close to him day in and day out, I always felt he had his heart and mind at the right place.

He had always been quite straightforward with me, not overly detailed no, but quite direct with questions or answers, this seems so out of place and so drastic.

 

Anyway,

I hate to come to this conclusion but it is what it is, if he can not even try and fix what just has been so severly broken, not in the following days that is, than he is just not the man for me.

I know this. It's just the whirlwind of it all..

Wednesday I had an almost live in boyfriend who made longterm plans with me, with whom I just had a lovely mondayevening with for example, laughter, almost pissing our pants, and now I'm here looking at his stuff feeling absolutely dumbstrucked.

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Ms Darcy,

 

thank you for your support and encouraging words.. I know I do look for a job but I could do better if I wasn't so focussed on him.

I also get that he could get dissapointed in me 'not doing anything all day' but I tried really hard not to lean on him or make him feel responsible for my happiness or anything for that matter.

Also, this is not going to be forever, even though I'm having a tough one finding a new position, once I will have a position I told him I would actualy not be able to give him all these little extra's he's been enjoying so much, like me cooking homemade lovely food everyday, greeting him with his favorite beer every day, you know little things, which I know he enjoyed immensely.

At night he would paint and I would go about my stuff, or I went out and he stayed in, I mean, I wasn't needy at all. We seemed to enjoy each others company a very very great deal and he would confirm that to me more than once. (not 'I love you' though, just the 'great time we were having')

 

All of a sudden he says it didn't go well for about two weeks

and today I even wake up without a boyfriend.

 

I'm sorry if I can't seem to see the positive outcome of this relationship being broken up and now I reread my response just now I see I overlooked some good advice in your reply Ms Darcy, again thank you for that, I will try and do good by me and only me now, but i have such a hard time understanding what happened, if I have just been used or what it is I've done so terribly wrong or I don't know whatever, to have had this ended in such a way.

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The link I sent was to a guide written recently by one of the members here, so you might *not* actually be familiar with it. I'm far from my first breakup but still found it helpful.

 

You sound very angry and I would again stress -- don't demand, try to relax, right now let things go as much as possible. The more you push, the more you push him away.

 

Good luck with it!

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Sharky988,

 

oh, yes, I see it now, it has some very insightfull tips on those first hours and days I'm in and heading for, thank you for that.

 

Yes, I jump from crying to being very angry, to missing him already terribly to being rather numb, I apparently already did well by planning to go over to my best friends place later this evening for a couple of hours. She has family obligations and I can't stay any longer than that unfortunately.. after that I asked a friend to go out because these past two night sleeping on my couch, waking up every hour and being awake for most of the night has worn me out.

I don't really want to be around to many people and I'll be very careful with alcohol or avoid it all together, but I can't stay another night looking at his stuff and memories.

 

I will not contact him because I have asked him to contact me whenever he feels he has something to say about my email or just simply about me or us, his job ends within a half hour/hour, I don't know if I can expect something right now. Either way, I'm off to see my friend anyway. Unless he really wants to talk, that is what I'm going to do.

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Love doesn't guarantee a good personality fit. We can love someone, but over time some of the very personality traits that may have attracted us can drive us bonkers.

 

Quiet personalities may be attracted to chatty, expressive people, but that doesn't mean they can tolerate them well when feeling tired and cranky.

 

Expressive people may be drawn to the mystery of quiet people, but after time they may feel lonely and resent doing all the lifting.

 

Sounds as though you may have loved one another, but the personality clash was too big of a bang. The more he shut down, the more you ramped up, which drove him further out the door.

 

It's helpful to learn our own skills and capabilities when considering another person, such as discovering how NOT to fill a silence. But first step would be to consider the other person--regardless of who goes there first. In other words, the mantra can't be "I need this from you..." in the face of someone's LEAST likely ability to deliver.

 

You are probably both wonderful people, but this did not sounds like a match--and you can't 'talk' a wrong match into becoming a right one.

 

Head high, you can get through this.

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Catfeeder,

 

you are right. But i made all the right noises (very little) and made all the right moves and we did well.

Apparently until now. It just seems so sudden and cold also to back off completely after one dispute.

I do find him wonderful but he sure left me full of wonder about what just happened.

I'm starting to slowly calm down, that is, for today and you all have helped me calm down, thank you very much.

I still feel like I'm going to get really more upset and more angry tonight or tomorrow, just as the hours pass and I don't hear from him.

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I asked him many a times if he was sure about being with me actually every single day, always inviting me along with him if he went out, it was me who once in a while went out on my own. Outside of going to his work, that's all he did on his own. All of a sudden he spents two nights in a row in bars and alone.

 

Advice I always give. Doesn't matter how much time a man wants to spend with you, have limits and boundaries. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, people inadvertantly burn themselves out.

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