Lost in a Sea of Regret and Despair

[PKF85]

A little backstory...

 

I met this (then 21 y/o) girl in the Summer of 2011. She sat right next to me in a college class and was just as shy about talking to me as I was about talking to her. (Before her, I really had never approached women directly, it was always through friends or online. I have, and always probably will have some form of depression and anxiety.)

Anyway, I got up the nerve to say something to her and she was actually really cool to talk with. Totally laid back hippie girl. This was the first day of class. It wasn't until the last day of class that I got the courage to ask her out.

 

We had our first date which actually looks kind of skeezy now that I think about it but she came over to my parents house where I was living and we watched movies and ended up having sex. She had this amazing porn stars body. 5'6" 115, 34D breasts with perfect small pink nipples, dark brown hair and hazel eyes and a perfect, I mean perfect straight white smile. I knew I had found someone that I wanted to at least keep having sex with for a while, so like a total dork I asked her after we were done and laying there naked if she would be my girlfriend. She was so shocked but she said yes It turns out she was just as anxious as I was and had struggled with social anxiety for much of her life.

 

I spent the next year with her, practically inseparable. I got to know her mom and dad and two brothers, her dog which was a golden doodle, and some of her friends who were young and kinda immature (I was way too judgemental for my own good). I was 26 when I met her. She was everything I wanted in a girl, beautiful, smart and demure, with a hilarious laugh, and such an amazing positive attitude about life and her friends and family. She truly loved me and would give me these big bear hugs and bounce on the bed after showering in the morning and kiss me goodbye when she went off to work.

 

After her dog died in early 2012, she became incredibly sad for a period of time where I almost considered breaking up with her but instead we just took a break for a week. She had some anxiety episodes after that and had to take a medical leave from her work. Instead of being the healthy, supportive, fun loving, caring and independent boyfriend, I would be this mopey and parental kind of guy who would be sad when she didn't come through, I would ask if she made her appointments, I would be upset if she said she couldn't come hang out because she was too anxious. I became depressed again myself and call her from work while she was at work and tell her that I was feeling low and feeling trapped in my job (which didn't really have a future). I would become negative when it came to doing things we used to do... It wouldn't be good enough. I would talk about how I wished we had more. I was truly a sad, bastard for a while until it became too much for her to take and she ended the relationship after barely a year. Through text message, without closure.

 

I spent the next year complexly f**king up any chance I had getting back with her by sending her long and desperate text messages and facebook messages telling her how I wanted things back and that I would be better for her, and finally when I realized she wasn't coming back, just asking her for closure and reasons over and over again. I sabotaged any chance of even staying friends with this amazing person, and for someone who has a hard time making friends in the first place, this really hits me close to home.

 

I had and always have had trouble with insecurity and low self esteem. I've been paralyzed by perfectionism and an unyieldingly critical eye for others that at first glance I have to remind myself to not be so critical. This has inhibited me from making and keeping a lot of friends over the years. I view myself as a parasite, not a created. As shallow, selfish, and impatient. All of these qualities I despise in myself. I tried to stifle them for the majority of our year long relationship but through her anxiety problems and my depression they came back.

 

I'm 28 years old and I have been without this girl for a year and a half now (though I went through 3 other mini relationships since her). As of last week I am still unable to keep down a job, I am crying on a routine basis. I am withdrawn, ashamed, miserable. I have been hospitalized, been to the ER twice. Nearly killed myself with a bottle of pills on one occasion.

 

This goes way beyond just getting over this girl, who I view as an angel compared to me, and I want to have hope to find someone like her in the future. But this is about how I can turn my life around and love myself and start finding passions in life and being creative and self assured, which now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever been able to do. I have been so close to giving up hope on many occasions. This last week has been the darkest for me. I should be dead. As I sit here in bed in my 1 bedroom apartment on Thanksgiving. I ask anyone if they have any advice for a fairly young, physically healthy and good-looking yet absolutely wretched wreck of a person. And yes I am taking medications and going to counseling.

[AutumnBorn]

PKF, there's always hope. You know deep down you are capable of change. It could be as easy as two steps:

 

Step 1: Affirmations. (Corny, stupid, and a little embarrassing if you're caught doing them, but they work.)

Step 2: Vision. Envision yourself as you'd like to be. Find a character or person you'd like to emulate, then ask yourself, "what would Bond say/do/think?" Or Pitt. Or whomever.

 

 

So, a good affirmation is short, positive, specific, and present.

 

Good affirmation: I am kind to everyone I meet. (Current and positive.)

Bad affirmation: I am capable of kindness. (Not current.)

Good affirmation: I am a compassionate man.

Bad affirmation: I will not be judgmental. (Uses a negative word - "not", "no", "never" shouldn't ever be allowed in affirmations.)

Good affirmation: I have amazing pecs.

Bad affirmation: I will develop amazing pecs. (Not current.)

 

Here's how I build my self-esteem using affirmations like the above. I wrote out thirty affirmations. Every day I re-wrote one a minimum of 10 times (usually about 30 times) and simply read the rest. Reading and writing them out works different parts of your brain and helps them to become cemented in your brain. They don't necessarily even have to be true statements, but can be things you wish were true about you. As the idea becomes part of your neurological makeup, you'll begin to believe and adapt those characteristics as your own.

 

Adapting characteristics as your own by emulating others (visualizing yourself with the same traits as others), you become accustomed to behaving in a way you admire. It's like faking it until you make it. The more you do it, the more comfortable you begin to feel behaving and thinking like the person you admire. Eventually, you begin to adapt those traits as your own.

 

You can begin right now. Think of 30 affirmations and write them down (I mean handwriting, not keying). Think about a person you'd want to be more like and begin to study what you admire about him (or her).

 

The other big secret I learned going through my own personal hell: Happiness is a decision. Decide to be happy and you will be. Gratitude isn't easy to learn, but when you become grateful for what you have, you exude a different aura that others pick up on and react to. Dwelling on the positive is the best thing you can do for yourself. It can change your life.

[pippy longstocking]

this is spot on ..nice one AB , I totally live my life by this way of thinking as well , it does work ...it really does .

 

we are what we think ...we put out into the universe what we feel for ourselves ..so the law of attraction brings it all back to us ...

 

so it is dependant on US how we feel , how we act , what we put out there . therefore we can't expect to get anything good back if we have such low expectations of ourselves .

 

op you sound like you need to forgive yourself for how this relationship went at the end ...how your anxiety and depression got the better of you .

 

the way you view people can only be changed by you , and again you have to make an attempt to quickly change your thinking .

 

for example ...I get really pissed off with people who walk slow infront of me , or get in my way if I am on a mission and not in a great mood ...my mood just gets worse and worse so I have learnt to just tell myself " they don't know I am in a rush/in a mood , they are just getting about their day as well " or something like that and it does start to make your space a happier place .

[SooSad33]

Hi PK,

 

I deal with much the same as you. anxiety, depression & ptsd. I understand that life is not always so easy. We CAN get really 'low' with ourselves sometimes and live in the negative.

When you've gone thru a hardship, like you have, that will even add more negativity to your life.

 

It's good you're on med's for some help with this.. as am I.

I suggest do NOT turn to booze as it's already a downer for anyone's life.

 

Sometimes we just need to take things 'easy'. Slow your life down a bit and handle it in pieces. I've had so MANY negatives in my life.. amazed im still here- but I am. And so are you

We need to just keep chuggin. We never know what tomorrow will bring. Life DOES have some good points.

 

Do you do any sports at all? Any hobbies? Do you go out with friends?

It is best to try an NOT stay alone in your 4 walls day after day. Get out now n then- get some air. Get rest & eat well.

 

No, PK, you should NOT bed dead. We'll go when it's our time. Today isn't it.

Stick around here & read other's stories okay.. you're not alone. I understand depression, anxiety etc. Have had it for years.

Best thing is to try and NOT overwhelm yourself.

As for relationships? I've had a few and it's been repeated downfalls.. for years. BUT, I have to keep going.

 

What YOU need to do is work on accepting who YOU are. Don't keep puttin yourself down. YOU are an individual like i am.. you are unique. You DO have special qualities in there, like the rest of us.

You just have to keep working on you. One day at a time.

At this time.. you're having a 'downer' Things may change for you tomorrow.

Have you looked into dating sites in your area? Maybe just pop out to a coffee shop. Smile & enjoy the view.

You never know if or when you'll meet someone.

 

But.. i understand your frustrations.. I'm with ya there.

 

k- stick around. Youre not alone.

tc

[PKF85]

Thanks guys, that is all great advice. Especially the positive self talk and affirmation.

 

What makes this so tough is that she is this 20something girl with a Peter Pan Complex, she wanted to smile and be a kid all the time which I find so amazingly attractive and fun to be around. She never judged or talked bad about anyone to my knowledge and it just hurts even more knowing that I was the one who caused her to feel down, to feel pain, to feel negative things and eventually turn on me and never want to hear from me again because I'm this "unfun, grumpy, judgemental guy" which is the opposite of what I try to be.

 

It's something I have to cope with every day and it causes me a lot of pain and anxiety and paralyzes me. I've thought about going in for hypnotherapy just to eliminate my thoughts about her thoughts about me.