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Should I marry this man?


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We've been together for years, recently he proposed to me. I was really pressuring him because I have a career that required a decision to move or stay local, and I basically told him you ask me or I am really going to consider leaving.

 

He lied to me about having a ring for months. I discovered he purchased it the night he asked me. He said he had a time and place to ask me and he's had the ring. Then asked me on a random night that had no particular meaning.

 

To this day he tells me I only asked you because you really wanted me to.

 

He is a good man but is not thoughtful he also has a history of making white lies. For example the ring. We broke up once years ago. I have to take some of the blame, I am high strung I have a very demanding career and am always stressed. We argue over little things once a month not anything major. But I usually start the arguments, usually about him not being thoughtful, not inviting me out, choosing his friends over me, something along those lines. And I really can't tell if its me being crazy or if its him.

 

I love him But I always felt something missing. And again I can't tell if it's my own craziness because I am OCD about things.

 

He really is not thoughtful but that is him in general he is obsessed with his hobbies and his interests but he always makes time to see me/ call/ text. I am afraid that this will not change if we get married. Because he does not take initiative to be thoughtful or helpful, He won't be helpful in building our home, raising our kids, starting our life. Because he is also very critical of my friends, essentially he hates them. And he hates to come to my family parties and his. I really see it being difficult for our future together.

 

Please help before I move forward into this or move away in the wrong direction.

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I see no reason for you two to wed. Marriage will not change him and forcing someone.to propose is not the ideal scenario. Beyond the lack thereof f connection with your family and friends...I don't see a big connection between you. I say move with your career and find someone more compatible.

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s.

 

He really is not thoughtful but that is him in general he is obsessed with his hobbies and his interests but he always makes time to see me/ call/ text. I am afraid that this will not change if we get married. Because he does not take initiative to be thoughtful or helpful, He won't be helpful in building our home, raising our kids, starting our life. Because he is also very critical of my friends, essentially he hates them. And he hates to come to my family parties and his. I really see it being difficult for our future together.

 

Please help before I move forward into this or move away in the wrong direction.

 

You can't ever go into something expecting or hoping that someone will change. You must be able to accept him exactly as he is. If you can't, don't marry him.

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If you have to ask, absolutely not. Marriage isn't something to pressure someone into nor something anyone feel obligated to enter into.

 

And I don't think the night someone asks needs to be on a meaningful night by any means - getting the proposal should make it a meaningful night. I wouldn't want a proposal on an anniversary or Christmas or Valentine's Day - I'd absolutely want it on an otherwise meaningless day.

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Well I think the big connection that has kept us together for so long is the physical attraction between us...after 7+ years its still fireworks and excitement every time I see him and vice versa. I am afraid I wont find this if I leave him also he is not a bad person so there isn't a huge reason to go off running.

 

The proposal didn't have to be meaningful but I meant that he wasn't planning anything all along like he said, again him not being thoughtful or maybe I just pressured him. He is the kind of person who needs a kick in the a** to do things.

 

And yes I guess I spent all these years hoping he will change. And I guess I can't tell if a relationship isn't meant to be perfect, do you accept these imperfections in someones personality and learn to live with them or atleast allow them to periodically creep up and cause a fight or does one go off and try to meet someone else so that maybe there wont be problem??

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You haven't "learned to live with them" yet so what makes you think a ring on your finger and a marriage license in your safety deposit box is going to help you with that. In your opening post you painted a picture of a man you don't even love never mind that you don't like him?

 

Yea... don't marry him. You wanted to be engaged until he actually proposed and now YOU're the waffler. That says a lot about how unwise a marital union would be. Great sex when you see him will soon dwindle when you're seeing him everynight and the things you don't like about him start to bug you to distraction.

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One doesn't try and change them. And be won't morph into someone new in marriage. You have to decide if the imperfections are deal breakers and if you can live with them. Because allowing the resentments to build into a blow up continously will get old.

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People become who they are EVEN MORE during marriage because now you will see them more and they are less afraid of losing you.

 

Go ahead and marry him. But you will be miserable, divorce him, and run the risk of losing significant financial assets. Compatibility and not attraction is the key to a long-lasting, happy relationship.

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I would follow my career if i were you. You said yourself he wouldnt make a good husband or father so whats the point? Youve always felt like something is missing-maybe thats your gut telling you hes not the one...

 

hes only proposed coz you basically gave him an ultimatum. Im not convinced this man really loves you. He had the money to buy you a ring when you demanded one but never thought to get you one all these years off his own initiative.. ppfftt hes been taking you for granted

 

its a big decision though. I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons and decide whats best for you

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You two have so many 'issues' and imcompatibles and yet you throw 'getting married', or else in his face? Whoaa!

You 'do' love him... but...

Sounds like a lot of 'judgement' going on here.

How about.. you do NOT plan on marrying the guy. Sounds like NOT enough respect or appreciation is present.

With so many issues.. WHY do you want to get married? Do NOT arrange a marriage out of 'your' dilemma.

 

Instead, do it out of 'true love'. Try that!

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First I have to say thank you to everyone, I really have no one to speak to about this and it's overdue that I ask for help.

 

I agree... we shouldn't be getting married, the question becomes what should I do now.

 

When I spoke to him before he asked me I said- at this point we should get engaged or move on, because I have all these opportunities for work. So I didn't want it to be an ultimatum , it was, what now?

 

But in a sense it was an ultimatum and I was hoping for him to sweep me off my feet, do something that would prove to me that he does care, could change and do something thoughtful for someone he would want to spend the rest of his life with.

 

Or

 

I wanted him to break it off and say it wasn't going to work out, I needed direction.

 

 

The other thing about my situation and I hate to even mention or think about it, is that when I start working I am going to be making a lot of $$$ and in my heart I am afraid the only reason he is still with me is because he knows that.

 

I really do love him and am In love with him, but I can't figure out if it's my OCD or there is something wrong- theoretically I am afraid if we do break up I will have these same problems with someone else, I am confused if I am the problem, He is the problem or WE are the problem? and how do you know which it is? and does it even matter?

 

do I break it off now?

keep my options open and allow where I get placed for work dictate what happens to our relationship?

wait till we move in together in the next few months to see if things get better or worse to make a final decision?

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We've been together for years, recently he proposed to me. I was really pressuring him because I have a career that required a decision to move or stay local, and I basically told him you ask me or I am really going to consider leaving.

...

We argue over little things once a month not anything major. But I usually start the arguments, usually about him not being thoughtful, not inviting me out, choosing his friends over me, something along those lines.

...

He really is not thoughtful but that is him in general he is obsessed with his hobbies and his interests but he always makes time to see me/ call/ text. I am afraid that this will not change if we get married.

I see many red flags here.

 

1. Under ANY circumstances should you EVER pressure a man to marry you. If he caves, he will feel you are imprisoning him by by forcing marriage, and he will build resentment toward his relationship with you.

 

2. The nitpicking. You are calling him unthoughtful and that you don't appreciate the things he does, and this is not a one-time thing; this is a ONCE A MONTH deal. This type of criticism and showing lack of appreciation hurts many men emotionally and it destroys his self-confidence. Why would he even bother trying with his relationship with you if you are going to complain? Also, why shouldn't he just have time with his guy friends only? This causes frustration and for him to shut down. You have to find another way to approach and communicate better by saying you need him to do better; arguing isn't the way to do it. If you can't handle arguments and they become a once a month thing... that's really not a good sign to consider marriage. The arguments get tougher after marriage.

 

3. His obsession with his hobbies and not including you in them (or you refusing to participate in them) is another major red flag. You both have to have activities to do together to keep a marriage alive and healthy. One of the highest relationship needs for a man is not only sex, but a compatible recreation partner. It's ok to have private time, but only for a tiny percentage of the time. As you stated, he is "obsessed" and this signifies that this "hobby" is a lifestyle to him. If you both don't do activities together, you guys are incompatible.

 

You have to decide what is important here: your career or this man. You are not alone feeling this way. I gave up my dream job of teaching overseas for marriage.

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I think you should simply suggest pre-marriage counseling to make sure the two of you are really ready to enter into marriage. And whatever you do, don't set a date or start to make plans! You may not want to give up on him, but it sounds like there's lots of work to do for you to feel confident in the decision.

 

You deserve to be certain before taking that step. You deserve to feel confident about the decision to marry. You obviously don't sound very confident right now.

 

There is no perfect man (or woman). There will always be some conflict, some personality trait that is annoying, something that makes the other partner crazy. Accepting your mate as they are, forgiving, compromising, and finding a way to work through it is part of marriage.

 

You are the prize. It doesn't sound like he's really won you yet.

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For the most part I think that when people need to ask "should we get married"? the answer is usually no.

 

This doesn't sound any different.

 

You should never ever ever enter into any marriage thinking/hoping that things will change between the two of you. I am not saying that you can't work on yourselves or issues within the relationship, but you should never get married assuming that marriage will somehow "make things different". It doesn't except to put more pressure on the relationship if it fails.

 

You had an opportunity come up and I get that you were hoping he would see the possibility of losing you and suddenly be overcome with the need to get married. The reality of it is that instead of that happening, it was more like you backed him into a corner and he gave up fighting.

 

Not exactly a good foundation.

 

Focus on your career and cut this guy loose.

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  • 4 weeks later...

So a litte less than a month later. We have broken up and I am heartbroken. My 8 year relationship is gone.

 

He was the one who pushed for it and I did put up a fight but not a big one.

 

It turns out he was feeling similarly probably stronger than I was feeling, He started acting differently towards me which is what actually prompted me to write on here in the first place.

 

maybe it was that I forced him to propose? maybe it was that I found out about the ring and confronted him? maybe we were just too different to have a future together?

 

But I am completely heartbroken, I've lost my best friend, my support, my everything and I am crushed.

 

I am trying to reason through everything and make some sense of it. did my bickering cause him to do this or did I bicker for a reason?

I wanted to be more involved in his life and hobbies- like others have said I did really make the effort but felt he kept me out of his life. Why not invite me out to the bar to watch the game with your friends, why not invite me to vegas, why not invite me to your friends house when I only see you twice a week?

I wanted him to treat me more special- surprise me with a flower, not snap at me

 

Was he not feeling it for a while?

 

I really feel I picked fights on things which had to do with me being more involved in his life, but I was constantly shut out.

And because where I am in my professional life I needed direction- Did we have a future ?

 

Did I lose the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with? If I hadn't gone on these interviews at far places would he still be with me ?

 

I am so confused, I am so sad, I am so scared

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Marla, believe it or not, this is a positive step. You feel heartbroken now, but this has opened up the rest of your life and given you the opportunity of finding the right man. Your future is wide open. It's a pretty exciting time to be you.

 

Right now, today, you should make the decision to be happy, embrace your life and live it to the fullest and not spend more time than is absolutely necessary mourning the loss of a man who wasn't really all in. You deserve the happy ending. It wasn't where you hoped it would be, but it's out there.

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Hun after 8 years together you were not living together or married and only seeing each other 2 times a week! That is not a relationship. Its more like casual FWB.

 

You are better off without him. Why did you stay with him so long when he has always put everything before you? You should come first. You should see yourself as the prize and not allow any man to take you for granted

 

go and put all your energy into your career and forget about him. In time you will meet someone better and hopefully realize what a real relationship and real love is.

 

Your only regret should be not ending this sooner

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Thank you shelty

 

Yea your completely right the more I think about it the more I realize that's all it was.

 

The reason I stuck around is the first 4 years before the initial break up was great I was his prize and then after we got back together it was bad and I fought for the relationship to work for the other four years.

 

Probably because I have a hard time letting go and we did love each other but I no longer got the type of love that I needed nor the respect. My love is unconditional and I gave it my all and I got his all maybe 30% of the time. I think he has a hard time forgiving people or believing in second chances.

 

It's funny how much clarity you can gain a little over a week after a break up from a bad relationship.

 

I do still miss him and love him, though.

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