Boyfriend went on Vacation without me ?

[coffeelessleep]

My bf of 3 1/2 years went on vacation without me. His parents happened to leave the same time as him going on a trip too, but he chose to stay with his friend instead in Arizona while his family is in Cali.

This isn't the first time he's gone without me. It was difficult last time he went last year... dealing him getting sh**faced, going to clubs/out of control house parties and wondering how many girls he is talking to or if he's cheating on me (he's a very likable/friendly person).

 

This is why we set up some boundaries this time he's away, now that our relationship is better (or that's what I think).

He's done a lot in the past to make me not trust him and no I'm not crazy, I was just put through a lot with him, enough to break up with him and he begged for me back for a couple of weeks.

 

Now this time on his trip, I got upset before he even left. I took my lunch break early to call, wishing him a safe flight.

When he picked up he said "I'm on the plane- call you back!"

Then I followed with "Oh! sorry I called late. I'll say bye now."

Then he says "No, I'll call you back" Then hangs up.

 

I call him 5 minutes later getting anxious and he rejects my call and texts me back and forth for 10 minutes.

At this point I'm wondering if he ran into someone and just doesn't want to talk to me in front of them.

 

He's been there for 2 days and has talked to me for 5 minutes since he's been gone.

I also sent him a good morning message saying Happy Thanks Giving... and no reply, he just read it and 3 hours has gone by (my messages tell me when someone reads them).

 

I'm really upset. I know I should have, but I texted my ex Happy Thanks Giving and I could see him typing his response right away I get a nice message back within seconds.

 

Makes me think.

For people with/or who've had healthy relationships, what should I do or what would you have done?

[mhowe]

You do know you can't use cell phones on a plane?

I think you don't trust him for whatever reasons and that makes for a mighty poor relationship.

 

Did you have the.$ to go on vacation with him?

Does he vacation often without you?

Do you have cause to be jealous...just because he is outgoing doesn't mean he will cheat.

[coffeelessleep]

You do know you can't use cell phones on a plane?

I think you don't trust him for whatever reasons and that makes for a mighty poor relationship.

 

Did you have the.$ to go on vacation with him?

Does he vacation often without you?

Do you have cause to be jealous...just because he is outgoing doesn't mean he will cheat.

 

 

Of course I know that! His plane was still on the ground- I guess people were boarding still.

He didn't ask me to join him though. He just said "I'm going on a trip in two weeks. Can you watch the cat?"

I couldn't have gone anyways. I'm quite tied down at work atm.

I'm not sure how to handle the situation about him ignoring me especially on thanks giving.

 

I feel like just going out with my friends and lying about it since he's probably doing the same.

And he has admitted to going on dates with girls/going to strip clubs even last year when I was in the hospital so yes I have a cause to be jealous/insecure.

But I'd feel like a total *** if he was actually behaving this time.

[DancingFool]

He is on vacation and presumably out and about. Why do you expect him to respond instantly? Also, on the plane, once the engines are running, frankly the noise can be hard to hear over. Much easier to text. I really don't see what your problem is with that.

 

I don't know. My bf and I travel quite often for business and yes, communication is not going to be very involved during those times. Sometimes it's just a few texts back and forth, sometimes squeezing in a quick call before having to go out to dinner with people, etc. You may have some down time and you may not. It doesn't mean that anybody is cheating. It's silly to think that way or to expect someone who is traveling or on vacation to be sitting around pining for you.

 

A better question is as above, do you go on vacations together as well? Were you invited? Could you have gone with him?

 

I don't know what reasons he's given you not to trust him, but not seeing much in your post here to lose sleep over. Either you have actual good reasons to think he is a cheater, in which case why are you dating a cheater? Or you need to work on your trust issues.

[mhowe]

Here's a thought. Go out with your friends and don't lie about it.

[faraday]

Nm...................

[coffeelessleep]

We did a couple times before. He's normally a stick in the mud type who doesn't like to venture much besides going to nightclubs.

In NY he decided he didn't want to go home so he was looking for a job the whole time.

This was my first time there so I was disappointed he didn't want to go sight seeing with me. All he wanted to do was try to get into 21+ clubs as were were only 18/19.

 

When we went to Maui all he did was make friends with the locals our age and smoke with them, crying about me wanting to go hiking/atv riding.

 

I guess you can say I love him with all my heart but I'm holding onto dead weight.

He swears to change and treat me better, but doesn't.

[mhowe]

You don't sound very compatible nor is he much for compromising. Dead weight indeed.

[DancingFool]

We did a couple times before. He's normally a stick in the mud type who doesn't like to venture much besides going to nightclubs.

In NY he decided he didn't want to go home so he was looking for a job the whole time.

This was my first time there so I was disappointed he didn't want to go sight seeing with me. All he wanted to do was try to get into 21+ clubs as were were only 18/19.

 

When we went to Maui all he did was make friends with the locals our age and smoke with them, crying about me wanting to go hiking/atv riding.

 

I guess you can say I love him with all my heart but I'm holding onto dead weight.

He swears to change and treat me better, but doesn't.

 

And you are wasting your time with him why? You are not compatible, he is not going to change who he is, and it sounds like you are mostly miserable with him. What's the point?

[louisecar]

I think you should go out with your friends and have a good time and stop worrying about what he is up to while he is away! Maybe it is your intuition kicking in or maybe it is just trust issues but don't torture yourself all the while he is away enjoying himself.

 

He sounds like my ex actually. It always seemed like a chore to get him to do any sightseeing/ fun activities when we went on holiday and yet I was happy to go clubbing at night but he wouldn't do what I wanted in the day. Selfish is the only word. If there is no compromise in a relationship you are better off being single and doing what you want. It's too one-sided by the sounds of things.

[HeartGoesOn]

And he has admitted to going on dates with girls/going to strip clubs even last year when I was in the hospital so yes I have a cause to be jealous/insecure.

 

I understand this wasn't your question, but what was it that made you stay with him after the above incident?

[mhowe]

There is no reason to be with this cad!

[shelty24]

Why do you put up with this? Its absolutely 100% clear to me that hes a cheat and cant be trusted. You need to take a good long look at yourself and figure out why your self worth is so low that you settle for this. Nobody deserves this. Hes gone on dates and strip clubs? Goes on holidays without you and you just sit there and take it.. youve already wasted 3 years on this sleaze bag. How much more time are you gonna waste?

 

There are decent men out there that you can trust you just gotta find one and you are worth it.

 

By the way stripper is just a nice word for prostitute so that alone should have lead to you dumping his ass. Hes disgusting. A narcissistic manipulative sex addict and you just sit there and takr it. Next youll have an std.. how nice

[coffeelessleep]

I understand this wasn't your question, but what was it that made you stay with him after the above incident?

 

Why do you put up with this? Its absolutely 100% clear to me that hes a cheat and cant be trusted. You need to take a good long look at yourself and figure out why your self worth is so low that you settle for this. Nobody deserves this. Hes gone on dates and strip clubs? Goes on holidays without you and you just sit there and take it.. youve already wasted 3 years on this sleaze bag. How much more time are you gonna waste?

 

There are decent men out there that you can trust you just gotta find one and you are worth it.

 

By the way stripper is just a nice word for prostitute so that alone should have lead to you dumping his ass. Hes disgusting. A narcissistic manipulative sex addict and you just sit there and takr it. Next youll have an std.. how nice

 

I have really low self esteem and psychological problems. He constantly reminds me that those problems (adhd, psychotic depression, schizoid personality disorder, ocd) will be a major turn off for other guys, He tells me I'll get a lot of attention because I'm smart, pretty, and funny, but they'll run on my bad days or once they see me twitching (from ocd).

He also brings up my drug problems and says how guys would think it's repulsive. In fact that's why I was in the hospital- from almost dying from an OD on amphetamines which I took because of the generic excuse it made me happy and was a way to escape from a crappy reality that my boyfriend treats me bad and doesn't pay attention to me and helps me focus on things that matter.

I know I have these issues, but I don't pull "psycho girlfriend" stunts. My boyfriend is my best friend and I can't imagine him not being in my life at all, not even as another role.

 

Even though he went to strip clubs and on dates with other girls, he said he wanted to test the waters but never really felt good about it.

Blows my mind that the thought even came up in his head... stunned that he'd do it, but I'm trying to trust that he didn't cheat on me.

He always promises he didn't and never will....but they all lie don't they....until they get caught. Well mostly maybe.

I know he denied the strip clubs/dates until I showed him proof. Then again, I didn't have proof for the cheating. Maybe the closest thing was a text from him to another girl saying "Those pics are private. Don't show anyone okay?" which he conviently doesn't remember.

[Ms Darcy]

I hope you are getting help for your mental health issues because there is much more going on than we can really help you with.

[ParisPaulette]

I guess you can say I love him with all my heart but I'm holding onto dead weight.

He swears to change and treat me better, but doesn't.

 

Then why are you staying? You can love someone, but that doesn't mean they're right for you, that you should stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy or that you should let them mistreat you. Life is just simply too short for any of that nonsense. Find someone who is a better match and let this one go.

[ParisPaulette]

Also the whole, "No one else will love you, because of your issues, etc. etc." is classic tactics of someone who's an emotional (or worse) abuser. They're terrified you'll get away from them and their need to control, so they lie about it to try and keep you from leaving them. My first ex, the emotional abuser and yes cheater, would constantly tell me crap to make me think no one else would love me. And at the age of 19 since he was my first and I'd been kind of a geeky kid I believed him. After I finally did leave him I found out there were guys lined up around the block just praying we'd break up, so they could date me. And that many of the things he'd claimed they said about me were not true at all.

 

So your best bet if you want help with your issues is to clear the decks of all crap--i.e. him--then find a good therapist or counselor or someone who can help you deal with the rest. After all you are smart, funny and pretty remember? He just sees you as an easy person to control and using your own mental health problems against you is just...ghastly. Dump his loser butt already and tell him you'll take your chances elsewhere.