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Don't make the same mistake I did


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My ex broke up with me at the beginning of October, and we haven't been in contact since; at least until last night.

 

Since our breakup, I have been a mess. I miss her terribly and I have been hurting every day since. The worst part though, is that I am constantly anxious and paranoid that she'll find someone else and I'll have to see it. Why? Well, we live in the same apt complex here in college, so there's no real distance between us.

Anyway, not long after we broke up, the anxiety and above-mentioned paranoia about her getting with another guy started affecting me emotionally, and I began exhibiting weird behavior. I would constantly go outside into the parking lot to see if someone besides her had been driving her car. Why? Because when we were dating, we would always go out in her car and I would always be the one to drive, so I figured if the drivers seat had been moved back that it would mean maybe she was going out with someone, which is why I would check regularly. That didn't produce any evidence, so I began frequently going outside to look at her apt windows in order to see if she was in her room, which would be indicated by the light being on. I would do this in order to try and discern if she was spending more time to herself or if she was always out and potentially hanging out with a guy.

 

I did this for the whole course of the last couple months. Did I feel like a creepy, stalking freak? Yes. Did I feel like I needed help? Yes. In fact, I even had started visiting with a therapist for help, and it has been nice to talk to her, but my behavior still hadn't changed. I would be constantly ducking out of my own apt to basically spy on hers. For the longest time, I didn't see anything that would make me worry. Until last night.

 

I did my usual routine, and for much of the night I saw that she was simply in her room. Then I noticed that she had left, and that she must have been in her living room, but the lights were off, but I could see the glowing light from a tv. So I immediately became anxiously curious. Not wanting to know the potentially horrifying truth, but compelled by a desire for a confirmation of something, whether good or bad. So i snuck up to her apt door, and pressed my ear against the wall to listen for something. I did indeed hear voices. I distinctly heard my ex's voice, and *GULP* a male voice! They were watching a movie. Passing it off as simply them hanging out, I left. I came back a few hours later after the movie was going to be over, and I repeated the same procedure. They were still in there, both of them, with the lights off, and surely the movie was over. I heard them talking, but about nothing specific. However, I picked up a few flirty phrases and some friendly interaction between them.

 

Now I knew what was going on. I was devastated. The evidence I had long-sought but long-feared had been found. I began to break down emotionally. I left the building through a doorway that was underneath the window to the apt where my ex and her new favorite guy were hanging out. I began to mutter out loud to myself, and I began to whimper a little as i began to weep. As I turned back to enter the building, I looked back up to the window. I expected to see the glow of the tv light in the room, which I indeed did. But I also noticed two black silhouettes in the window. I recognized one as the silhouette of my ex. The other was the guy. Although shrouded in darkness, no doubt they were looking at me. How did they think to look out the window???? Did they hear my crying? My muttering? It must have been so, because it caused them to look out the window and see me looking back at them.

 

Realizing what had just happened, I hurried back inside. I had blown it. They saw me, and it wouldn't be hard for them to figure out what I was doing out there. I somehow found the ambition to sneak up to her apt again and eavesdrop like I had done momentarily before. I heard them talking, and it wasn't hard to figure out that they were talking about me. I went back downstairs and left outside, through a different doorway. Not long after, my phone buzzed as I got a text. It was from my ex:

 

"Hey what in the world are you doing?"

 

Then, minutes later:

 

"Like I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it seems like you might be ruining things for me."

 

I responded back asking for clarification as to what she meant. She said that she really like the guy that she was with, but that he seemed to think I was acting a little weird. She then said she was worried he wouldn't wanna hang out with her anymore. She was worried that if they saw me still around she was afraid he wouldn't wanna come over to her place. I responded that it shouldn't matter, but that I was going to stop acting so weird anyway. Which was mostly true. I only acted that way because I wanted to know what she was up to, who she was with, and if she was getting involved with a guy. I had found what I was constantly searching for, so it wasn't hard for me to say that I would stop.

 

This morning, she unfriended me from facebook. Maybe deleted my number from her phone too. Regardless, it didn't matter. I had blown it. I had destroyed any chance of future reconciliation with her, any chance of being back on good terms. The deep love that we once shared was a thing of the past, and it surely was not ever returning again. And now, i am stuck living in the same place as her, with no chance of moving out til next spring, having to avoid her as much as possible, and potentially having to witness more interactions with her new guy.

 

Granted, this was all likely to happen anyway. But my story serves as a lesson for all. Please, please, please, don't make the same mistakes I have made I have done a terrible job of moving on and handling the pain, and I allowed myself to behave in ways I never thought I was capable of. I implore everyone who reads this that they learn from it and make sure it doesn't happen to them.

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Thanks for sharing your story. I hear you... I broke up with my ex in August and for some reason beyond me...we strung it along up until a couple weeks ago. And now, I find myself obcessively wanting to know what she is doing/who she is with. Simply put: It's none of my business anymore. And I keep telling myself any new info I would find out about her would just most likely hurt me since she isn't with me.

 

Anyways, a lot of people have issues with obcessive behaviors when it comes to break-ups (including me). It's nothing to be ashamed of. You realize there was a problem and you're getting help for it. Any chance you can move farther away from her so you can manage your behavior?

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Your stalking behaviour is troublesome. Please work on the need to do such things. You don't want to be doing that again in the future... not because it blew your chances to reconcile (I doubt your chances of that were very good anyway) but because it is anti-social behaviour that will become a habit for you if you let it get the better of you.

 

Knowing what your ex is up to serves NO purpose whatsoever but to stagnate you in your inability to accept it's over and get on with your life like she has been doing.

 

Treat yourself better in the future and let go when someone breaks up with you so that you can more quickly get to the blissful stage of indifference to them and what they are doing.

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Omg, that is the creepiest thing in the entire world. Stop stalking her...or you might have to move because you'll get slapped with a restraining order. See if you can break your lease and get out of there...or maybe she will try to move now. So creepy. Why would you do that???

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I think some stalkerish behavior is normal for some people after a break up. The trick is not letting it go too far or drag on for very long. He's recognized it went too far and appears to have learned it just causes more pain.

 

OP, here's to moving on!

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What is wrong with some people? She breaks up with you and then complains that you might be making things slightly difficult for her? Does she really expect sympathy and consideration? You don't owe her anything. I'd say she did you a favour by ending it because you wouldn't want to be involved with someone who is that arrogant and selfish. Stay well away and have nothing more to do with her.

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Ease up, folks! He's going through a hard time and doesn't need to be judged for it. He realized it was a problem and he's getting help for it. He just wanted to share his stories with others so they wouldn't make the same mistake.

 

Telling him that what he did is not beneficial to himself or to anyone for that matter does not have to be "eased up on" What he was doing is against the law for goodness sakes and I'm absolutely certain that none of us here would want what he did happening to our own daughters.

 

I did this for the whole course of the last couple months. Did I feel like a creepy, stalking freak? Yes. Did I feel like I needed help? Yes. In fact, I even had started visiting with a therapist for help, and it has been nice to talk to her, but my behavior still hadn't changed.
Seems the therapy wasn't helping and he can implore everyone not to do what he has done but if HE keeps doing it or, he does it again if someone else breaks up with him, then he's learned nothing.

 

OP: I implore you, please keep getting the councelling you need to be able to let go when you've been broken up with. This likely won't be your last breakup and you'll likely break up with someone else. Learn yourself, implore yourself not to do this again and quit worrying about us forums strangers doing it. It's you that needs to learn the lesson and not just because you think the behaviour caused her to never want to reconcile with you.

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