Boyfriend or Parents?

[jgribble67]

Beginning of my freshman year of college, I met my current boyfriend. It was a whirlwind romance, and things went quicker than I meant them to. We did not disclose our relationship to either set of parents at the time. He was dealing with issues with his ex. A couple months in, he broke up with me because of his homesickness and the fact that he still had feelings for her. But in that time, he continued to be involved with me intimately, and I continued to let him use me because I could pretend he still only wanted me. He thought I was just using him for my personal satisfaction. Then, around Christmas time, I let him know of my true feelings for him, and he told his ex that they would not be getting back together. After that, I let my parents know we were involved. The spring semester went along fine, except for the fact that he forgot birthdays and Valentine's Day and Christmas while I remembered and did things for him. He came to my house and my parents said they liked him, although his manners were bad and caused him to come off as ungrateful. We were apart for three months during the summer and it was kind of hard to get him to act like he cared about staying in communication. He would call and Skype, but I could barely get him to answer my texts and then when he would skype, he would be playing video games during it. I let him because I didn't want to be a demanding girlfriend. We went back to college and he put a lot of his stuff in my room and kind of used it as a crash pad, and I let him because I didn't want to be a nag. Then, my parents found out that we had slept together and made me break up with him. I used the break up to tell him that all the behavior, the selfishness, the uncaring actions, were why I was leaving him. He begged me to stay, saying he'd change, and I wanted to give him the chance. But my parents told me if I was even in communication with him they would cut me off financially. I couldn't pay for college on my own, even though I have straight A's, and so I told them I did. But I didn't. We've continued in secret, and he's made an effort to make me know how much I mean to him. I have stopped the physical intimacy for religious reasons and he is still around. But I can't tell my parents, and I don't know if it is worth it. He says he wants to be with me for the long haul, but I don't want to lose my family. On the other hand, I love him. I just am so confused.

 

Thanks for reading this, I know it's long.

[faraday]

Nothing will change. He will continue to treat you like garbage. He didn't forget Christmas, your birthday or Valentines Day. He didn't care enough to do anything for you.

 

Listen to your parents. He's not worth falling out with them over....they have your best interest at heart and he doesn't.

 

Next time...remember, we teach people how to treat us. You let him know that it was acceptable to you for him to treat you horribly. Don't make that mistake again. If someone doesn't make you a priority in their lives...don't make them yours.

[jjkk]

I know you're encouraged that he appears to be making an effort but the reality is this won't last and your parents are there for you no matter what! Like faraday said, your parents have your best interest at heart, he doesn't. I know it hurts, I know you want to hang onto the effort he appears to be making at the moment but it's best to cut ties and move on. Best wishes.

[mhowe]

Read how many of your sentences contain "I let him because.

Secondly...any relationship that needs to be carried on in secret is not worth the trust you have/will break with your parents. End it.

[jgribble67]

Thanks for the encouragement. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to break up, but I also don't want to lose my parents or spend the rest of my life vying for his attention. Is it even worth it to remain "friends" or should I just let it go completely?

[mhowe]

Completely. He is just using you...and you "let" him. Who forgets Christmas?

[ThatwasThen]

Let it go completely. I'll add that this statement is certainly correct:

I just am so confused.

You want a good boyfriend that will reciprocate your care and nuture of the relationship but instead you settle for a boy that is at best, indifferent and only wants you when he thinks you're going to dump him. I see nothing worth staying in here.. not even as a friendship, particularily when you deserve more then he's ever given you.

 

... and, what is this trying to put the toothpaste back into the tube and stopping your sexual relationship for "religious reasons" surely your religion frowns upon having pre-marital sex generally so why are you applying it now and not prior to finding out the boy you are giving yourself to isn't valuing you?

 

Do yourself a favor and go zero contact so that you can get to the stage of indifference to him and his fair weather interest in you. You'll miss him at first but you'll soon be glad you did. Stay true to your values and personal boundaries always.

[jgribble67]

the stopping of the sex was due to the fact that I had walked away from my faith but returned to it recently. I also figured if he didn't care, he would be gone in a couple months of no sex. I just don't want to continue to make dumb, 20-year old regrettable decisions.

[jjkk]

I just don't want to continue to make dumb, 20-year old regrettable decisions.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it. We all make mistakes and that doesn't change w/ age, unfortunately. You can learn from your mistakes and move on and not repeat them. It's OK!

[Snny]

Don't take this the hard way... but you sound like a pushover. You keep allowing your boyfriend to manipulate you (and the worst thing is you already know it) and you also allowed your parents ti influence your decision to break up with him. as for not wanting to make stupid "20-year-old" mistakes... it's going to happen and it is the best way to learn about yourself and how to handle situations. Life is always about making decisions and learning from them.

 

Sweety, it's time you start taking a stance by giving yourself some self-respect. Otherwise you are going to be a doormat for people- including your parents and dead-beat "boyfriend."

 

I agree on dropping your boyfriend- he's dead weight. But next time mommy and daddy tell you to break up with someone, you tell them "I appreciate your concern," and make the decision for yourself. You are an adult and need to start standing up for yourself or the world will light your ass on fire.