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2 betrayals but I still love her...


Kaku

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My girlfriend of nearly 5 years cheated on me twice. I always had a suspicion that something happened while she was away at a music festival 2 years ago, and a couple of weeks ago I found the evidence in a Facebook message. She had taken the drug ecstasy 2 times and slept with this guy both times. When I discovered this I was devastated and confronted her...she finally admitted it...

 

A couple of days latter she sat me down and told me she had something else to tell me, that while she had been away working this Summer for 5 weeks she had met a guy at the end of the trip and fell for him. She ended up sleeping with him two times also.

 

I understand that most people will feel that the picture I painted is of a serial cheater and I should leave her straight away, but I'm confused. First of all, she was sexually abused as a child and has never sorted it out....never told her parents or gone to see a professional. I'm left wondering if this could matter.

 

It would also not be fair for me to say that I was a perfect boyfriend. There were things I did that I'm sure made her feel unloved at times like not attending certain events that meant a lot to her. Maybe I didn't make her feel special enough. (COuncilling has made me be honest and ask myself these things). Maybe I made her feel taken for granted. Indeed, she told me since all this that she had serious doubts about the relationship this Summer, and felt that she put in a lot more effort. I was extremely busy with work this year. She made great friends with the second guy and they got on great, he was the only one who spoke English and they had similar interests etc.

 

We were great together and there were many moments of love and happiness in those years. She was a great, caring and loving girlfriend. I'm over the crying and heartbreak, but still struggling inside as to what to do. A part of me wants to forgive her...we are all human and can make terrible mistakes...indeed this has been a terrible time for her too and she has been affected too. I DO NOT condone what she did, but I need to make sense of this and I would like to start a NEW relationship with her....has anyone any similar stories out there? Is there hope?

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The problem I see here is that instead of trying to resolve whatever problems there may have been in your relationship, or leaving you, she cheated on you, twice. Her way of coping with problems in the relationship is running away and cheating. That's not healthy for either her or you. So, unfortunately no I don't think there is hope for this relationship. I think the best course is to end things with her.

 

With respect to her past abuse, that sounds devastating and I understand it affects different people in different ways. I hope she gets counseling but I think that's a separate matter.

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This might come harsh but a mistake is taking ecstasy once and sleeping with that guy once. Not twice. Same goes for the other guy. 2 wrongs don't make a right. "Oops, I slept with you, better sleep with you again to make sure I made a mistake, or to make it better". Who knows how many times this happened? She told you about one guy, you had to confront her about another guy.

 

It's not your fault she cheated on you. IMO there's no excuse for cheating. You're either with one person or you're single and hooking up.

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Is it possible that now this is recognised, it can be changed? We have gone to councilling and recognized communication problems between us that we are working on. She is going to start her own personal councilling too - I told her she had to.

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Even if you guys stay together and get counseling, some doubt will exist. It's pretty hard to re-mend trust once it was broken. Especially in a relationship. I'll be the voice of pessimism now: she gets drunk at a party and sleeps with a guy. And again after she sobers up. Would you still stay with her and find excuses?

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If we had gone thru all of this, and THEN she did it again...then no. That would paint a different picture of her entirely.

 

I guess swimming around in my head is the idea that maybe, just maybe...her sexual abuse, her being used for sex in past relationships, the drugs on the first two occasions, my neglect...maybe there is an explanation in there. Maybe she can be a changed person after seeing what this has done. Indeed, her parents know all about this now too and how she has messed up our relationship.

 

I really thought she was the one. Since all this has happened, she's been on her hands and knees telling me she wanted to be my wife one day. I guess there is no way of deciding if someone is being truthful or not, and that's a decission I have to make

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Hmmm... she is a liar on top of being a cheater--lying by omission, so I'm sorry, but I'd have a hard time believing a liar who told me she was sorry for what she did and took her performance to the next level with the tears, the falling on the knees and the begging to be your wife. Yeah, she'll be your wife and who knows who else's mistress at the same time.

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If we had gone thru all of this, and THEN she did it again...then no. That would paint a different picture of her entirely.

 

I guess swimming around in my head is the idea that maybe, just maybe...her sexual abuse, her being used for sex in past relationships, the drugs on the first two occasions, my neglect...maybe there is an explanation in there. Maybe she can be a changed person after seeing what this has done. Indeed, her parents know all about this now too and how she has messed up our relationship.

 

I really thought she was the one. Since all this has happened, she's been on her hands and knees telling me she wanted to be my wife one day. I guess there is no way of deciding if someone is being truthful or not, and that's a decission I have to make

 

With respect to the abuse, I think she may need to get counseling for that. It may help to talk to someone.

 

In my opinion, nothing justifies cheating. Don't kid yourself that taking drugs justifies cheating. She made the decision to take the drugs knowing full well that taking them could contribute to poor judgment. The thing you need to keep in mind here is that she never considered your feelings. When you're in a relationship, you're supposed to consider the other person, think about how things you do would make them feel, do things that you think would make them happy. If you get to a point where you no longer feel that way about someone, then the relationship is over and you need to break up, not go and cheat. Cheating is momentarily escaping the relationship and avoiding the problems in it. To me, cheating can be a point of no return. Maybe things can be fixed but the time to fix them is before you step out on someone, not after.

 

To be clear, I don't draw a hard line that cheating means you must break up with someone, for two reasons: (1) sadly, cheating is pretty prevalent and (2) relationships are complicated. I hate saying this because I really want to say that cheating = break up in all cases, no exceptions. I just feel like that's not realistic. However, I think cheating more than once is a huge huge red flag especially given that the second episode of cheating was fairly recent. Maybe you could forgive what happened a couple years ago but then it happened again! I think your problem is you're going ot be looking over your shoulder wondering if she's cheating every time you have a disagreement in your relationship.

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Kaku.. I suggest you guys 'take a break'.. to let her work on her stability & counselling. I think she DOES need it.

 

I'm not sure IF her, being abused in the past has led her to this kind of behavior though?

More often then not, I understand it makes us 'shy away' from it. ( Have you asked her, if this is why she's done it- cheated?)

I've also been abused that way.. and yes, it left some kinds of 'fear' in me. But, possibly, what it's done to her is to 'lower' her own self-worth, to where she's being like this? (drugs then giving herself so 'freely'?).

 

She does need to deal with her past though, yes.

 

This is why I suggest giving yourselves a break so you can both do some correcting.. then, maybe in time.. IF it's still there, you can look at dating again? Otherwise, big chance this may happen again- IF she is not healing.

 

gd luck

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Relationships are about growing forward together and not going backward. You should inspire each other to make each other better. Instead, she's inspired to cheat and you are inspired to take undue responsibility for her behavior.

 

Take the lessons you learn from this relationship and move towards another one. One where communication about issues and commitment to fidelity is the value. Trust me ... you will be happier that you did.

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Stop making excuses for her. Even if you did neglect her-that doesnt justify cheating. She could have talked to you, left you, seen a relationship counselor. Instead she chose to cheat on you 4 freaking times! You cant trust this girl. Shes a liar and a cheat and right now your disrespecting yourself by staying with her.

 

fair enough she has baggage from the past but thats not your problem, she refused to get help and it doesnt excuse or justify what she did.

 

Your making her out to be the victim here when shes not-you are! You loved her, trusted her, worked hard for her, were faithful, loyal and honest. You dont deserve this.

 

Youll never fully trust her again, the damage has been done and you cant take away the pain she caused.

 

Only you can decide what your gonna do but if it were me id be running a million miles away so i can heal in peace and move on with my life

 

ive been with my bf 5 years and ive often thought about what id do if he hurt me in this way and i already know id leave, travel, get a great job in oz or the US and work my way to the top. Then id come home, get a great job here and find a better man who wont hurt me (my bf is a good man but i have a fear of this happening and im prepared for it just encase it ever does)

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Kaku,

 

You need to be strong and do what's good for you and I believe that is to break up with her and take time for yourself to make you happy. I've been cheated on before by a girlfriend and I was strong enough to let her go. 5 years ago I caught my fiancee cheating on me with her friend in another state. She would tell me that she's depressed and needed to move back home to where she's from to take care of her issues because she didn't want to drag me through it.

 

Needless to say she took care of her issues by dating her friend who eventually proposed to her while she was engaged to me (I was dumb enough to believe her and we were long distance at this time). So she was engaged to this guy and me without me knowing. One day I find out what happened because I see a second Myspace account for her and there were pics of her and this guy and how he proposed to her.

 

I was furious and broke off our engagement and told her to never contact me again. Having a soft heart for her after a day of her calling, texting and emailing me to call her back and how she was so sorry I broke down and contacted her. She went on telling me how much she loved me and cried on the phone and said that I was her everything. Before you know it she was moving back to my house and we got back together.

 

I was dumb enough to believe all this because I was in love with her. Now guess what happens after 3.5 years of marriage.....she cheats on me again with her boss who is 14 years older and looks like her dad. She would come up with lie after lie after lie and once I felt this happening again all over I filed divorce.

 

Don't get me wrong this is still tough for me (we've been divorced for a little over a month) but there comes a time when you have to have your own back. No one will have your back more than yourself. I went through this once before with her and I swore to myself that if it ever happened again I would NOT GO DOWN THAT ROAD AGAIN.

 

This is twice for me and it stings more because the second time we were married. Trust me this will happen again and you need to protect your heart. Give it to someone who has your back and doesn't abuse drugs and doesn't lie or come up with excuses everytime they screw up.

 

You owe this to yourself not to go through it again. Don't end up like me and have to go through it when your married. I got lucky that i didn't loose my house or owe her alimony. You may not be so lucky if you divorce brother.

 

Stay up.

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I think you are a good guy, your only problem is that girl, and the amount of lies and betrayal you forgave to her over these years together.

You deserve someone who loves you enough to stay faithful if you are exclusive, and who wont take drugs and sleep around immediately when you are not around any more.

Each time she left for a longer period of time - she cheated, she just can`t keep her legs closed, I am sorry.

Dump the cheater and work on your happiness.

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