I needed total clarification....just for myself. Is that wrong? I dont' think so

[dhaynes0412]

I am in a bad place. I am not letting go and I am still wanting her to "see me" and the amazing changes I have made. It's been only 7 months but since I got on the right med combo for the adhd and began to use Transcendental Meditation or TM my temperament has shifted so much along with my expanding consciousness. She left because of my outbursts, but the relationship overall was not healthy. This doesn't seem to matter to my heart nor to my head for that matter.

 

I would like to see down the road some sort of reconciliation. That's the problem...it's only I. There has been little, until recently, talk of the relationship and this is out of her want for no contact except for logistical things. Those are almost wrapped up and she has not seemed, though I have put myself out there through an email (my only option but not my first choice of ways to communicate about such issues), but no response. I find this out of character for her as we have been most respectful about getting back to one another consistently. My question I posed to her was did she conceive of any renewing of our connection down the line or had she severed ties with me for good.

 

I left it for a month and a half. Then she had gotten back to me around some stuff and turns out she is very ill...again...lung issues and it can get pretty bad for long periods. So, I offered my support and wishing her well. I also added that I do not know how long she had been ill but did she possibly read my last email around a renewed connection blah blah blah...and I said if she had not would she please give it a look and let me know either way.

 

I have been feeling conflicted about sending that to her. I do not foresee anything good and could possibly get another no response. I have been upset about this and still grieving the loss of a 3 yr relationship and 3 wonderful pets...my family. But, if I feel I need to know for sure that she has closed the chapter on that book. I will still have to grieve even deeper but I would know I had the courage to put it out there and know I did everything I could.

 

It is all very frustrating because there is no room for dialogue and the ball is in her court. In fact I told her that in the email I didn't originally get a response to...so maybe I am trying to take the ball back. I read a quote that said, Letting go doesn't mean we have to stop caring, but to stop trying to make someone else care. So, in essence whatever the outcome (again, it doesn't look good in my opinion) I must accept it as the final answer.

 

My ego is yelling at me that I am being weak and needy. Maybe so. What matters is that I am adult enough to show that I still care and is there any chance for a future connection...not an instant relationship, but just to reconnect. I have no control over this. I can't make her see me.

 

Did I make a mistake around asking for clarification..again? I have to prepare myself to drop it and work very hard at accepting the outcome. I am scared and in a lot of pain still. I was hoping that time could bring about a shift, but maybe 7 months is just not enough and I need to live my life with that understanding. I need to stop trying to control when she forgives me no matter my progress.

 

I feel badly around how selfish I am being. I want her back in my life because of my wants and pain....BUT at the same time, I KNOW I can be a much better partner and friend. I think that's what hurts so much. I didn't have the education or proper support for the ADD. It has been the key that has unlocked so much of my growth potential. I wish she could see that, but that is her choice.

 

I have not felt that it is okay to express all of the changes I have made. Maybe this is a mistake? I think she just gave up on me and any chances I could make changes. I had tried so many things in the past. I miss my friend...she was my best friend and I miss my family. I hope there is some sort of opening from her that allows more dialogue....I don't want to just barge in there...all this time I have been hoping she might have an interest in looking. But I am powerless over that.

 

Wish me luck. If I don't hear anything by a week from this Friday then I will accept that as an answer.

[sharky988]

I agree that sometimes you just need to get that door slammed in your face before you can move on.

 

I'd be lying if I said I thought there was much hope that you'll hear what you're hoping to hear from your ex. And yeah, the contact probably does make you come off as weaker and more needy -- and hence, less attractive to her.

 

But I've also been in your shoes and reached out as well -- even knowing there was no chance for a positive outcome. Sometimes you just need to do it anyway.

 

Good luck -- and happy Thanksgiving.

[lovelife1607309291]

Sometimes unfortunately the damage has been done long before someone has the ability to change. Even if the person sees the change, it can be very hard for them to accept this change as permanent, as they will always see you as the person before the change and will also expect this old person to resurface.

 

I wish you all the very best of luck, however it seems as though you have tried as much as you can to give her the opportunity to respond. You have tried everything you can and it might be best if you start to move on with your life, at least you know you have tried everything you could have to make the relationship work and you won't have that "what if" running in the back of your mind later on.

[lavenderdove]

I know it is hard, but people do have the right to decide how they want to live their lives, and she may have decided for whatever reason that she was not happy being with you, and is not interested in trying again.

 

So it is good that you are giving her one last chance to change her mind about trying again, but you must stay realistic that her desire to try again has no real connection to the fact that you think you've changed. You may well have changed, but if she's not interested, then the fact that you changed doesn't mean you'll get a second chance with her. Many people do decide to give a person one chance, and if it doesn't work the first time, they refuse to go back for round two.

 

But you can take everything you have learned and apply it to your next relationship, to make that a good one. So your efforts are not wasted, but just will be applied to someone new and increase your chances of succeeding in your next relationship.

 

One thing you must stop doing though is talking about 'my family'... when you break up, you have to stop thinking of it that way because that 'family' requires her to form one with you, and she isn't your family anymore. If you had pets you loved, the world is full of wonderful pets who would love a home with you now, so rather than looking back, look forward to finding other ways to satisfy your need for connection, perhaps starting out getting a new pet of your own! New pets, friends, etc. will fill the empty places in your heart if you look to the future rather than clinging to the past and things that are no longer a part of your life.

 

So your task now is recognizing that you are hurting yourself by clinging to a past that is no longer with you. But you have a future full of happiness if you will put your efforts into moving forward rather than clinging to the past and someone who no longer wants to be with you.

[mhowe]

You should take pride in the changes you have undertaken. Maybe her role.in your life was to be the catalyst for these changes?! And you are a new man going forward, so not only will you benefit from them, so too will your next relationship.

[SooSad33]

Hi Dhaynes,

Same as you- it's been 7 months of pain. We, on here understand your 'loss' & hurts. Yes, it really does hurt a lot to lose someone you came to 'love'.

It WILL take a while to 'accept'. While we heal & 'try' to move on in life.

We will miss them, feel confused, sad, lonely, denial, etc. With this fact. When we end up 'holding on' it can keep us in that dark, lonely spot, where we want so much.. answers, longing for them & wanting them back.

 

2 things....

1) No one is perfect.. we're human

2) You can't rush Love.

 

There's also a saying I've heard. Never give up- But sometimes we feel we need to, for our own good.

You have done your part now. It's best you leave all alone, let her deal with her issues- health, as that is very important.

Do NOT stress her out anymore.

She has plenty to deal with. Her health and your request...answer etc. With respect, you have to back off now.

She's aware of what you've sent, i'm sure of that.

 

From here on out, I suggest you work on yourself.. keep going as you were.

Yes, times are VERY hard to deal with.. cope with being alone again, etc. BUT that is part of our 'learning' with how to be comfortable with that. We need to learn how to be 'happy', being on our own and this will come in time.. months away, probably, but it will. If you let it.

I've had a number of relationship break ups over my years (25). Some have been manageable with accepting & moving on. Some were more difficult. Very emotional etc.

 

Everything takes time, but you can't work on moving on if you don't try (work on it).

IF she does or doesn't take you back, either way, you can at least have YOUR stability back in order and have yourself in a better state of mind.

 

One day at a time.. keep working on yourself, okay.

We never know.

 

tc