boyfriends parents are neglectful

[Ivory_Tower]

My boyfriends parents had him when they were very young. Unfortunately they seem to think that by the time sometimes turns 18 they *magically* become an adult. Now, I understand that once you are 18 you get a certain amount of responsibility, etc. Some peoples parents kick them out completely while others tell their kids to get a job, etc. I just don't think that you ever stop needing your parents at least as far as emotional support and advice go - am I right?? His parents won't even bother helping my boyfriend when he has a question regarding financial feasibility for himself, or where he can go to get a loan or find better medical insurance. He is not asking them for money or anything, just emotional support and normal advice that most kids get from parents even well into their thirties. His mother also seems to think that she "led by example" where she cleaned up everything for him as a kid and did everything for him so now he should "know anything and everything there is to know in life." I just don't think it works like that. For example, I called my parents when I went back to school and said, what types of loans are better given my finances. How much should I put aside, etc. My parents were happy to point me in the right direction. I was not asking them for money at all, just life help!

 

His parents now are off having a good time - literally. He has recently had some traumatic anxiety issues, which they ignore. He sometimes stops breathing and at times is unable to eat for days. They wouldn't even give him the time or a suggestion about where he should go to get help if he needs it. Honestly, that's making his anxiety even worse. I watched him choke on his food earlier. He barely got down a few pieces of meat.

 

His mother has even made comments implying I should be his little housewife or caretaker or something. I thought, what the heck are you talking about?? He would be fine if you would give him 5 minutes of your time and help him emotionally when he has troubles. We don't live together or anything either. What's worse is that he lives alone and his grandparents come and check on him five times a day and ask him if he is "ok." THe worse part is that they are making his choking or anxiety worse. When his parents came down for a visit they would WATCH my boyfriend eat.

 

I just contacted his mother and said I am worried about your son! He hasn't eaten and choked earlier. Her reply was give him benadryl. We are having a wonderful time, yada yada...tomorrow we are doing this this and this. Meanwhile, my boyfriend can't even get down any Thanksgiving food. He's wasting away just like me.

 

This is awful. Don't know how to help.

[Lonewing]

First of all, his emotional security is not their responsibility at this point. He has to do that first and foremost for himself. If he's having difficulty adjusting, then it's something HE needs to work out. Sometimes when people ask for advice, they're really just asking someone else to tell them what to do - and perhaps at this point his parents want him to figure it out on his own so he can learn to make decisions on his own without having his hands held.

 

He should probably consider a professional therapist or counselor at this point for his emotional issues. Even with this help, in the end, he has to learn how to live for himself.

[Ms Darcy]

I think your bf needs to see a counselor. His issues are beyond what any parent can resolve via advice.

 

How old is he?

[lerenard]

I just don't think that you ever stop needing your parents at least as far as emotional support and advice go - am I right?? IF you are lucky, they will stay there for you till they are gone, but in a lot of cases - they wont care much.

You should be able to be just fine without any support from your parents, because as hard as it is - someday they will pass away, and if you are building a family of your own with your BF - you only have each other.

He needs therapy and support, and he wont get it from his parents, they made it clear. You can confront them as much as you want - if they don't care - they wont care. I agree with you - their behavior is awful, but you should do what you can do - help him, support him, advice some consultation, and just be there for him.

Don`t wait till his parents take actions - you will be waiting forever.

If your parent s are supportive - talk with them, you are lucky to have them on your side. But don't wait any help from his family. They don't seem very interested.

Is he interested in solving his issues, therapy and so on?

[Ivory_Tower]

I think your bf needs to see a counselor. His issues are beyond what any parent can resolve via advice.

 

How old is he?

 

25. I think my post did not sound the way I wanted, but anyways, what I meant to say was that they won't even be there for him or listen if he's having a hard time with work, etc. I suppose I feel like they don't care about him at all.

[Ivory_Tower]

Yes, what you said was what I was trying to get accross in my post. Sadly, your right. Most parents really don't care all that much. True. I think he would be interested in seeing a therapist. I've ran the idea by him before. How can I bring it up again without sounding pushy or saying hey, you need some help here..

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, what you said was what I was trying to get accross in my post. Sadly, your right. Most parents really don't care all that much. True. I think he would be interested in seeing a therapist. I've ran the idea by him before. How can I bring it up again without sounding pushy or saying hey, you need some help here..

 

I understand what you are saying about his parents, but I think it's a secondary issue. The primary issue is to encourage/get him the immediate professional help he needs.

 

Sit him down and tell him what you have observed, tell him your concerns, and ask him to seek help. Be kind and clear and non-judgmental.

[Lonewing]

I would further dissuade you from taking that role yourself. If you do, in time you will become his new crutch, and instead of learning how to cope, he will lean on you for better or worse. And by worse, what happens when you need to lean on him, or when the relationship ends?

[lerenard]

he should see that he needs help. his family wont support him, and you are his family now. if he wants a healthy happy future with you, and his own kids at some point - its his duty to solve his issues, before he goes on with his life, or he will be dragging it along.

[agent1607307371]

suggestion about where he should go to get help if he needs it.

 

You're taking this as evidence that they don't care, but maybe they don't know. They've brought him up, I'm sure they're well aware of his issues and have tried to help him. There comes a point where you have to let someone start doing things for himself.

 

When I first read your post I thought it was bad of them because I assumed he was still living with them. Once you move out, you have to start making your own way and depending less on your parents.

 

 

He would be fine if you would give him 5 minutes of your time and help him emotionally when he has trouble

 

I doubt it. Anxiety issues aren't solved by parents attention. I agree with Ms Darcy, he sounds well beyond the help of parents and needs to speak to professionals. Has he indicated that he wants help?

[CatsMeeoow]

I know it frustrates you that see his parents behavior as a lack of action or care but you must realize that the world is full of all kinds of different people. Yes, some people have parents who continue to do too much after a child has left home and others who feel their job is done at 18yr old and have little to do with them to those who fall somewhere in between. I know many who lost a parent or both parents at a young age as well as one who had to have herself emancipated at the age of 16. People grow up with addicts as parents and who have technically been on their own since childhood becoming more of the parent role than the parent. My husbands parents treat him and myself horribly. We just moved on and really don't miss the drama. My family is his family now. We've accepted we aren't going to change his parents.

 

I think its wrong to blame his parents for his situation and I agree with the others that just getting attention from them will truly solve his issues. He has to find a way to accept his situation. I think the both of you are quite capable of figuring out how to find a counselor for him.

 

Hugs

[Seraphim]

Ivory ,I don't think it's true that most parents don't care. Your boyfriend seems to be suffering from anxiety and panic. Those were my symptoms when I was suffering from anxiety and panic. His parents are not going to be able to solve this for him even with tons of emotional support. He NEEDS to go see a counselor. That is an absolute requirement. He can be taught a lot of coping skills to deal with things his anxiety and panic. I just spent a year and a half doing that in counseling and now I am ending my counseling in two weeks. I am almost 100% panic and anxiety free and I have tons of coping skills to deal with it if it does crop up.

 

His parents if they choose to commiserate with his anxiety will not improve the anxiety. A pat on the shoulder and a there there will only go so far. This is something that he has to deal with from the inside out. He has to do the hard work to fix it. He has to be able to learn to self soothe no one can do this for you.

 

Also too if he goes to his parents for financial advice what if they are a financial dodo? Not everybody gives sound financial advice? In fact most people don't that's why there are people who make a career out of that. My brother is a very successful financial advisor and stockbroker that is where I would send my son not give him advice myself.

 

Sometimes the appropriate advice to give your child is to seek what they need out in the world because maybe you weren't the best at it.

[Seraphim]

Some things in my thread here might help you and your boyfriend.

 

 

[lavenderdove]

Sadly, one doesn't have to get a license to be a parent... And many people are not equipped to be good parents due to their own upbringing, issues, personalities, addictions, etc. And some accidentally get pregnant when young, and try to make the best of it though they weren't really equipped/mature enough to handle it well. They may even resent the loss of their youth to child rearing, and feel they missed out on it, and seek to regain that youth/sense of fun once the children are out of the house and old enough to care for themselves.

 

So it is honestly a total waste of time expecting them to become good parents just because parents SHOULD be good parents. Of course they should, but unfortunately that is not reality in many cases. So it is appropriate to feel sad that he didn't have the parents you hoped he would, but it won't change anything at all expecting them to be people they are not. People can waste years of their own lives being furious and angry that their parents disappointed them or seeking the love/approval/attention etc. from them as adults when they are just not equipped for it.

 

So what is your task here? The real issue is your BF seems to be suffering from some kind of anxiety and/or eating disorder, and what he needs for that is treatment via professionals who do have the skills and training to help him with that. So rather than spending time calling his parents when you know they are just not the type to be able to help him much, you should put your efforts into finding him a good therapist to treat his issues. And there are many lovely support groups that are just as good or better than family for specific disorders, and his therapist can recommend them.

 

There are families we are born into, and families we create for ourselves as adults out of other friends and loved ones who aren't part of our birth family. So if he was born into a family that is deficient in any way in terms of being good for him, then it is better to create a 'found' family and support system of friends and loves ones rather than invest a lot of time trying to turn the parents into people they are not and never will be.

 

btw, your outrage at his parents isn't helping him! It encourages him to think of himself as a victim and a child who is dependent on his parents in order to 'feel good', when the truth is after 18 that is just not the case. The world is his for the taking if he does recognize he is an adult and can and should take responsibility for his life and get out there and get what he needs for himself, and he does have the power to do it. It can start with a series of phone calls to find the proper treatment for him with a trained professional, and then more effort into finding a support group and nurturing friends who do want to be with him and help him rather than chasing after remote parents who basically don't enjoy being a parent and don't want to invest a lot of time in it, especially since he is now over the age of 18 and a legal adult.

[mhowe]

By age 25, this behavior is very ingrained. And the picture painted of his grandparents checking in on him multiple times a day is evidence of it. As you can see, their attention changes nothing.