I've 'moved on' but still can't stop thinking of him

[Redvelvet7788]

This post is about an ex I simply cannot stop thinking about. But I don't think this is a normal 'I miss my ex ' situation

 

I've been with my boyfriend (T) for nearly 5 years. I love him dearly. Our relationship is far from perfect, we argue, we don't have the greatest sex, we don't have the same views, but none of that matters. We love one another dearly. He's kind, sensitive, caring and we just fit. I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else....

 

Rewind to a year and a half ago.. when a chance meeting led me to be literally swept off my feet..by another man ®

 

 

To make things even more complicated, R didn't even live in my city. In fact he lived 4 hours away! I had met R while visiting my hometown.

 

 

Not that it matters but I did not cheat on my boyfriend... But I felt SO strongly about this guy I had just met that without any hesitation I literally went home after meeting this man and broke up with my boyfriend. T didn't understand but respected my wishes. He moved out and was simply crushed. I was so confused as well. What was I doing? How could I just end a perfectly good relationship because I had simply met someone else?!

 

It didn't matter. I had to be with R. I had never in my life been as drawn to another individual as I was to R. Being with him felt so right. We just got one another. Our conversations, our quirks, the adventures we had, and of course our chemistry was off the charts. He wrote me poetry, I drew pictures of us together. He showered me with gifts and we spoke of our future together.

 

After 3 months of back and fourth visits, trying to maintain a long distance relationship, it just became too much. When we were together each weekend we were perfect. But when we were apart, I lost my mind. I couldn't be away from him. I was so crazy about this guy I literally lost my mind. I became insanely jealous, i didnt trust him, I created problems and was borderline psychotic towards him when we weren't together. One day I just couldn't take it any more and ended the relationship. I didn't recognize myself. I was crazy! I've never been that jealous girl. I've always been independent and now I was a mess whenever he went away. I couldn't do it. The distance. It was just too much. Knowing I had to stay where I was for another year and knowing he had to be there, I just gave up. So I drove down there just to tell him it was over. Then changed my phone number, and blocked him on Facebook. Why? So I could leave him. The only way he could contact me was through email.

 

I never stopped thinking of him.

 

After a month of being alone, T showed up at my work asking if he could buy me lunch and see the dog we shared. It was out of the blue but it was so nice to see his face. We immediately fell into our old ways. Our relationship seemed better than ever. I felt like it was meant to be and that we really were suppose to be together...And to our surprise, two weeks after getting back together..I became pregnant. Our daughter is now 4 months old and we are such a happy family. We really are happy.

 

 

Meanwhile R sent me emails up until the 2nd trimester of my pregnancy.

He'd ask me desperate questions of why did we end, do I still think of him, am I all right, how devestated he was that I'm pregnant and ponderings of if we'd ever see eachother again. I ignored them all. Some I didn't even fully read. Never giving him a response. It was all too painful. I did still think of him. I kills me to admit it but I still love him. And I don't really know why we ended.

 

 

 

 

 

I feel so guilty. I know I'm a horrible person.

I am happy. I love T. He's an amazing father. I really do feel that him and I will be together forever but... Even over a year later, R still haunts me.

I think of R all the time.

I dream of him constantly.

I secretly spy on his Facebook, that he doesn't update, just to look at old pictures of him to soothe my heart.

I'm still in love with him.

I don't know what to do.

When will it stop.

[Ms Darcy]

This sounds like a drama of your own making.

 

I would suggest getting into couples counseling with T and/or individual counseling. Individual counseling is probably best. But I think the two of you might need to work on your relationship, especially if you are in love with another man.

[Clio]

Sounds to me that you are stuck in the past. This man R as great as he may have been at the time, felt unsafe to you. For whatever reasons, he brought out your worst fears: loss of self, insecurity, jealousy, abandonment issues. These issues meant that you could not have had a stable relationship with him, hence your instictive choice to leave. You should trust your instict. Comparing him to your bf is the worst approach you could take. You never saw R past the honeymoon stage. You never really saw his mundane, boring, faulty side. You never saw his emotional baggage.

 

I too, would suggest individual counceling to help you short out the issues of the past that are keeping you stuck (it has been my experience that most of them stem from childhood upbringing) and accept that you cannot undo it. You made a series of choices. These led to you being in a stable relationship, with a lovely child and a guy who is an amazing father. You could have done a lot worse. Your best bet to happiness would be to focus on honoring these choices every day. Noone gets to have it all. The key is in appreciating what you do have and in working everyday on making it better. Good luck!

[JustLetGo]

And if you leave T now you will feel guilty about him and you'll be in the same situation.

 

The reason you feel this way is because from what I have read, you jump from relationship to relationship. Without having any time to gather your feelings.

How to solve it, like Darcy already suggested, counselling. Or perhaps taking more time (months) to yourself to gather your thoughts.

 

By the way, the fact that you broke off your relationship after LITERALLY meeting another guy, just shows me how horrible people can be.

[SooSad33]

I think R was a 'rebound'.. you most likely ran to him with such 'deep' feelings because he was something 'new' and you went with it.

Now, with running back to T, you've messed up both relations and most likely yourself a bit ,mentally & emotionally?

 

I do wish you the best with your relationship you're got now, but do be careful. Be glad he took you back!

IF you really 'do' love him....