just can't be friends

[Chiquta Banana]

The reason i came back onto eNA tonight is because, after months of trying to be friends with my 'ex', it's just not working out.

We got into a huge fight and it ended really ugly....

 

He still says i should fight for our relationship, still blames my family - when i'm the one who ultimately felt we wouldn't work out -

and still says i make him feel unworthy. He also feels i'm not doing enough to show him i believe in him as a friend. He confuses

me so much - i thought he was on board with trying to keep our friendship - just because that's where we started out and it was

really great.

 

So the fight started after i mentioned a common acquaintance had called me up from his new city - just for a chat. I didn't talk to

my ex for about 3 days after that because i was so busy at work, stayed up all night to finish up a presentation, etc.... and then

once I had a breather I Facebook texted him, as we normally do, with some funny stuff.... and we texted back and forth like that

for a bit. I still felt it was weird. Then out of the blue he starts talking about how my face lit up when I mentioned our common

friend called me. He started going on about how happy he was that I was moving on, but that I should've told him. I asked him

if that's why I felt a bit of coldness from him - and he said yes, it had gotten to him and things would be different from now on.

 

So I called him up to tell him that I wasn't seeing this guy and that I would tell him when I had someone in my life. He said he was

just getting himself ready for that eventuality, and I basically said that that was good, and that I'd let him know.... Later on he texts

me asking me not to tell him and just to get back with him.

 

That's when things really went sour. I tried explaining to him that the whole year we had feelings, I was not feeling right and that

only changed recently because we were working towards a friendship. He kept insisting on us being so much more, and getting

worked up about me not believing in him, not fighting for us, etc... He kept asking if my parents were racist (we're from different

backgrounds) and that got to me because we had been through this several times and while our differences are a factor it didn't

come from racism - no one had a problem with us being friends but my parents were unhappy with potentially becoming more. My

folks are from different sects within the same religion and that caused a lot of issues for them - so seeing as how my ex is from

a completely different culture, they had concerns - and to be honest, based on some things he said and not-so-subtle ways of

trying to change aspects me, I really felt we weren't right for each other. Our friendship was great but he wanted more and I felt

that would not end well. He's friends with a lot of girls and compares me to them a lot. In fact I went through times really wondering

why he wanted to be with me when he would criticize so much about me. So yeah, we're very different, cultures but also so much

more.

 

He started getting upset, called me, got angry, I was crying. I told him that just how he felt happy when he though I was with someone,

I would be happy for him when he met someone - that that was all i wanted for him. Sooooo..... he texts me later, saying 'this is the most

effed up way of showing you i love you' with a screen grab to a text to a friend of his, asking her to hook up. Followed by a series of texts

saying this is it, we're over, i can't even look at you, you make me feel worthless.... and so on.

 

So I call him up and he gets angry again, but i'm listening, knowing this was probably our last conversation, I was hoping at least to

at least have a decent goodbye, but it was just so angry.... then the doorbell rang and he hung up.

 

Sorry for the rambling post again - I just need a place to vent and if anyone has anything to say it's so appreciated. I'm a bit shaken

and don't know what to feel.... I know my role in this, but the last year was hard on me and just when I think we're doing ok he just

takes us back to square one. A huge part of me is thankful for the NC he wants because after tonight I just can't see any form of

us anymore....

[mhowe]

He was paying lipservice to being friends...because he wants more. I read your.post and you have been very clear on your boundaries. For many, dating outside their religion or culture is difficult and you nipped it in the bud as soon as you realized the long term disparity.

 

He has disrespected that and continually tries to over ride it. While you were not a couple, ending a friendship is equally painful. Use NC and heal.

[Tanzi]

The only reason he wants to remain friends is because he wants to hang on to you in any way he can. He doesn't really want to be your friend. He wants you back. Every time you call or text it offers him hope and he no doubt analyses everything you say and do - often unfavourably. Hence the arguments.

 

On top of that he is expecting too much from your friendship and he is putting you under pressure to offer more of yourself to him.

 

It just won't work. it is time to cut ties for both your sakes.

[SooSad33]

This is one reason ,after your break up, you can NOT be 'friends'.. UNTIL you're both over each other and NO more 'feelings'.

Until then you will get this kind of response etc.

 

Best to leave him alone from now on and work on YOU. Work on dealing with your 'loss'. It gets difficult to avoid contact, but it IS best.. for you both to back off and heal now.

 

IF the option arises, don't agree with it.. until you're over him.. be it, a year? Time for you to take care of YOU.

[ParisPaulette]

What you've just experienced is why you can't and shouldn't be friends with an ex when one of you still has romantic feelings and the other doesn't. Do him a huge favor, be kind and just implement NC for awhile. He wants more than you can give and as much as you may think you're doing him a favor by still being his friend, you are actually only making it harder for him to let go. Go NC, give him space to heal and you too.

[Chiquta Banana]

Thanks for replying....

You're all absolutely right.

 

Thing is when we decided to be friends and he basically outlined his expectations of me, it was really all about me being more open to him, more 'raw' as he put it - like not overthink things and really let him in. The problem was that when I did that, he would read it as an invitation to look for more. And when I didn't let him in to the extent he wanted, he would get upset that I didn't trust him and was being a bad friend.

 

He initiated NC about 2 separate times in the last few months, and every time he would cave and say it was a huge mistake and he needed me in his life (and obviously I need/want him in mine). I was miserable each time but I was never the one to break NC - I know it's basically the only way we can move forward in any way. I removed every way of contacting him from my access - like closing facebook, deleting all texts and emails, removing his number.... And then he would basically promise that 'just friends' was ok. In fact he even said that he doesn't feel that saying 'just' friends is right because friends are amazing people, and it's al about love even if it's not romantic love, etc....

 

But you're right. Even if he doesn't realize it at the time, it's just him trying to keep us in each others' lives but what i want from him and can give him is not what he wants from me and can give me.... I totally understand what he's going through and don't blame him one bit. He's really a wonderful human being. I know that NC is the only way and I really won't cave if the option arises. I will literally never speak to him again if I know he's not hurting anymore (and i'm not hurting anymore hopefully). I really do love the person he is even if I can't see a future together and I'm willing to kill this selfish streak of keeping him in my life at any cost if it allows him to move on and be happy.

[sharky988]

But you're right. Even if he doesn't realize it at the time, it's just him trying to keep us in each others' lives but what i want from him and can give him is not what he wants from me and can give me.... I totally understand what he's going through and don't blame him one bit. He's really a wonderful human being. I know that NC is the only way and I really won't cave if the option arises. I will literally never speak to him again if I know he's not hurting anymore (and i'm not hurting anymore hopefully). I really do love the person he is even if I can't see a future together and I'm willing to kill this selfish streak of keeping him in my life at any cost if it allows him to move on and be happy.

 

Then do it -- cut him off.

 

You've only been prolonging his suffering and delaying his healing.

 

Sadly, his true pain will only BEGIN when you do go No Contact and stick to it for good.... there's no *pain-free* way to break up with someone who's still in love with you.

 

If you had stuck to NC all these months, he'd likely be over you by now and found someone else! Stop holding on, let it go -- you can't keep him him in your life if you won't give him more than just friendship.

 

BLOCK him on Facebook and all other social media sites, block him from your email account, block his number so he can't call or text.... that's all it takes! Then it's done and you don't have to rely on willpower or feel bad about ignoring him if he tries to reach out, because you won't know it's happening.