Im hurting...strained relationship with God-son need advice please.

[Timahani]

Hello All:

 

Just needed some advice....My God-Son who is a teenager was sexually abused severely. As a result, He has trouble maintaining healthy boundaries with others....His verbal rants plus his poor boundaries really impacted my family negatively....leaving me no choice but to put my Foot DOWN.... We did not speak for 6 weeks...but He finally caved in and gave me a big hug......My Family and I did the Christian thing and we forgave him. I also expressed to him that I am sorry ...and that I forgive him (He has done some really horrendous things...that I wish not to speak on), but I wanted him free from the guilt....things are alot better....like 80%....The only problem is:

 

1)He lies to me over and over again.....He tells me that He is coming over to visit and doesnt show up...but He is often seen outside of my apartment playing with his peers....I believe he does it purposfully and it upsets my brother who is his same age......because he no longer spends time with him.

 

2)He always hugs me or says hi...but he refuses to talk to me or spend time with my brother and I.....He also told his mom that He doesnt want to talk to me anymore.....

 

Why is this important: because I have been through @#!*% and back with this child and I love him with all my heart...I am angry because I forgave him for some crazy things...but He seems like he is punishing us for setting boundaries with him....I spoke to him about his behavior ...and told him that being honest is important and it shows that you have integrity...and that lying to people and treating them poorly is not being a good friend! He also treats my brother and I rudely in front of his peers (walking off when I am talking to him...etc)....then the next minute he is seeking out love and affection from us...On positive note, he does say HI to us both and he hugs me often when he is passing by.......but I told him this last time I told him no more hugs because I was hurt by the lies and because he was treating me poorly in front of others...he became angry...and now he is not talking to me....

 

What should I do?????????????.....

 

I think .....he may feel guilty ....because of the things that he has done....which makes it difficult for him to face us........hmmmmm...Im unsure.

[mhowe]

Set boundaries and hold him too them. However...withholding affection is not the way to do it.

Tell him that walking away from you when you are talking is disrespectful and you will not tolerate it.

 

What does your brother have to do with it. Just because they are the.same age does not mean they need to be friends.

[abitbroken]

If you see him outside, then go downstairs and see him. He won't just come over and not come in anymore. He will either come up to see you or he will stop coming to the property. Also, could he be intending to come, but just getting distracted??

 

I think that you should tell him that you heard that he doesn't want to speak to you. Tell him that he is important to you and ask why.

 

I think some of this bad behavior is a cry for help if he has been abused. Is there any way you can encourage his parents or guardians to get him into counseling?

[Timahani]

Thank you all so much for the advice.....Yes, He is in counseling...but it doesnt seem to be working....I have been using the model of loving him unconditionally and giving him alot of positive affirmations in an attempt to help him with his behaviors...it has been working..............I guess my challenge is still: trying to teach this child morals...because he lies pathologically.....has inappropriate sexualized behaviors...and he does things without showing any sign of remorse...and thats really scary.....I quess I am starting from SCRATCH....trying to teach him things before it is too late...................Any tips on how to teach a child morals ....when they clearly have none.......He goes to church and he is also in counseling...but nothing is sticking.....It may be a cry for help as well....not sure.