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It feels like history is repeating itself


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We broke up in February after 13 months, but maintained daily contact until March. In March she said she was dating another guy and I just wasn't the one for her. She had been seeing him for 3 weeks and was happy. After that I went into very LC, we would talk maybe once every 10-14 days. The whole time I was working on myself, improving, and slowly feeling better. I was hoping that I would get another chance with her and I will be able to show her these changes. The changes I made still stick to this day, and I am proud of this. Eventually she was dumped by the new guy, and after a couple weeks of talking daily we hung out again. It felt great. That was 6 months ago.

 

After hanging out for 3-4 months, things became uncertain. We were talking daily, hanging out 1+ times per week. Sometimes it would feel like just friends, sometimes like we were a couple. In late August/early September, we had a couple arguments and backed off each other, hanging out maybe 2-3 times in a period of 4 weeks. In early September I found out she had gone on a couple dates with another guy. I asked her about it, she said she had but she didn't have feelings for him and was no longer talking to him. We hadn't been spending time together and were by no means a couple, so I just said okay.

 

In late October, things were going much better between us. We were spending a lot of time together again, a lot of the time it felt like just as friends but again, sometimes it would feel like a couple. Then one Friday night she texted me and asked me to come over. I obliged. We had a few beers, and eventually I found out she went on a date that night. She said the date went terrible and the guy was a jerk. On top of that, then she admitted that in that time when we hadn't been talking much, she had signed up on link removed and went on a few dates. She told me that all of the dates were terrible, the guys were creeps, and they made her realize how great I was. I believed her to an extent, but I just felt like I lost some trust in her from that point on. I felt like at that point I had a decision to make. I either walk away, or I just give it one last effort and show her how great I am. I chose the latter. For the next 3-4 weeks things were great. We hung out a ton. We were acting like a couple, I spent the night a couple times, she was showing more affection than she had been. However the nights we didn't hang out, I still would let thoughts creep into my head that maybe she was on a date with another guy, which is terrible.

 

A couple Sundays ago we made plans to do some fun things throughout the next week. I was really feeling great about the situation and was planning to let my intentions be clear and to ask her on an official 'date' in the near future. The very next day she didn't respond to any texts I sent in the evening, and again my lack of trust pops up. I decide that I can't go on having these worrying feelings, and decide we need to sit down and figure things out. I tell her I'd like to talk because a lot of stuff is on my mind.

 

We start talking and she tells me that she loves the changes I've made, loves spending time with me, but just doesn't see it working between us. I'm pretty much floored, this is out of nowhere. She keeps saying she is confused and doesn't know what to do, doesn't know what she wants. She said that she never deleted her link removed profile, and occasionally she would log on and see all the guys messaging her, and it would start to confuse her. I suspected that she went out on a date with another guy from the site, took a liking to him, then went out on a couple more dates with him. When she became comfortable with him she decided it was time to end it with me. Eventually I ask her point blank if there is someone else, and she says yes. I'm very upset. Upset with her and upset with myself for not walking away sooner. The next day we talk more and she says that there ISN'T another person, but I am just not the one for her. However by this time I had done a little investigating and find out this isn't true at all, there definitely is another guy. I tell her she doesn't need to lie, I know the truth.

 

Despite how bad she handled the situation, despite her lying to me, I still decide to just take the high road and leave her with love. I just tell her I love her and don't hesitate to reach out to me in the future. She tells me how awful she feels, and again says how she is just really confused. It's all the same stuff as last time. We exchange a few texts and then I just tell her goodbye. I remove her from Facebook and just decide it's time for me to just focus on myself. I realize that I let my happiness be controlled by another person, and that's not healthy. Unlike last time, I am not formulating any plan to get her back in my life, I am not thinking of texting her every day, I am much more at peace with the situation. She texts me a few days later saying she does miss me and that she hates this situation. We exchange a few texts and again leave it on a very positive note.

 

While I am more accepting of the situation now, there are tons of similarities to last time this happened to me, and it bothers me greatly. Just like last time, she said we weren't meant to be together, while in reality she was just distracted by someone else. After we started hanging out after last time, she told me how she knew we were meant to be together, how her mom told her I was the one she should never let go, how her friends told her they saw us being together forever. I feel like, just like last time, she went out and found a guy that is totally opposite of me, and it will again not last very long.

 

I just need to make sure I am prepared if that happens. I need to make sure that I don't hope for that and don't expect that. I need to make sure that if that DOES happen, that it is her who shows me she is changing/improving, and that this time she needs to be sure this is what she wants, because I am not going through anything like this with her again.

 

I know the situation makes me look like a fool and weak, but is what I am saying totally unreasonable? Should I just never speak with her again? Like I said, I have no intention of communicating with her, and will only respond to her attempts at communication if it is needed and will keep everything short. I plan on moving forward with my life and going out on some dates soon, so who knows how I will feel in a month or two.

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Well, I think it's a little too soon to make a decision to NEVER talk to her again. You definitely have feelings for her, so it's just not that easy. Just take a break. Give yourself a break. It's okay not to know what is going to happen. But you have to recognize that this is not good for your spirit. Focus on yourself and your other friends. Just let it be.... The answer will come to you.

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You need to accept once and for all that it had nothing to do with being distracted by some other guy, she is just not into you. If she truly loved you, she wouldn't notice the sexiest man in the world if she tripped over him.

 

Stop torturing yourself, go completely no contact and put effort into moving on with your life and mean it. Don't let her back in every few months to tear all the healing wounds open again and leave you at zero time and again. Do not gallop to her rescue either. She needs to live her life and move on as well. What her friends, parents say is completely irrelevant. They are not her and do not feel what she does. She doesn't feel enough for you and that's that. The sooner you accept that, the better you'll be off. There is a woman out there who will love you dearly and will never be "distracted" by other men. You need to be free of your ex in order to find that woman.

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Well, I think it's a little too soon to make a decision to NEVER talk to her again. You definitely have feelings for her, so it's just not that easy. Just take a break. Give yourself a break. It's okay not to know what is going to happen. But you have to recognize that this is not good for your spirit. Focus on yourself and your other friends. Just let it be.... The answer will come to you.

 

Thanks.

 

I think a lot of my struggle right now is that I don't know why I am so upset with the situtuation. As you can see from what I just wrote, clearly she was not very honest me, she did things behind my back, and her actions caused me to lose trust in her. On top of that, she wouldn't even sit down with me face to face to talk to me, she just did it over text messages...over a span of 4 days! But as I sit here today, I still miss her like crazy and still love her for some reason.

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You could very well be right, but I still do feel like she was being distracted by other guys. When we were apart in the fall is when she signed up for an online dating site, which she admitted messed everything up because she started seeing the attention she got from all these other guys while I wasn't giving her much attention at all.

 

By no means am I trying to justify her actions, and I know that I need to move on, which I will. It's just a very upsetting situation, as I hope you understand.

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She is confused because at the end of the day she is not into you. Rationally, she should be. In her mind you have all these positive things and you've done all this work on yourself and she should want to be with you, but that feeling is missing for one reason or another. You can't make it happen no matter what you do or how you try to rationalize. It's confusing. I know it's hard and all, but honestly, stop all this contact and trying to be really nice and leave that door open and that carrot dangling. (no suggesting you should be rude, but you should be clear it's over, firm, defined) As it is, you are just both stringing each other along, constantly stirring up the mud in the pond. You are making this break up a lot harder than it needs to be this way.

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She is confused because at the end of the day she is not into you. Rationally, she should be. In her mind you have all these positive things and you've done all this work on yourself and she should want to be with you, but that feeling is missing for one reason or another. You can't make it happen no matter what you do or how you try to rationalize. It's confusing. I know it's hard and all, but honestly, stop all this contact and trying to be really nice and leave that door open and that carrot dangling. (no suggesting you should be rude, but you should be clear it's over, firm, defined) As it is, you are just both stringing each other along, constantly stirring up the mud in the pond. You are making this break up a lot harder than it needs to be this way.

 

You're right. That does make sense. She kept on telling me last week how she was confused, how she doesn't know what she wants, and she's asked me a few times why I even want to be with her. My mother, sister, and a female friend said it sounds to them like she doesn't understand why I want to be with her and that she thinks she doesn't deserve to be with me, which I suppose makes sense. If that is the case, there is definitely nothing that can be done on my end.

 

To be clear, I haven't initiated any contact since Friday and don't plan to. She was constantly being ambiguous when we would talk about things last week. Saying things like 'Im just not sure' and 'I just don't know if it can work' and etc., so I finally just said 'You need to tell me if you want to try and make things work, because you cannot leave me confused like this' and she said that she didn't want to try, so that was it.

 

And I've wanted to say a lot of very mean/rude things in the past week because I've been so upset with how she handled this situation. Typically I just type them out, read them over, and delete them, as sending some cruel/rude text has no positives.

 

It's kind of odd. We broke up officially in March, and we had the LC until mid-May, at which point I kind of just said 'I need to move on'. A week later my dog passed away, she found out and texted me asking if I was okay. Since then we talked every single day. At the beginning of this month, my other dog passed away unexpectedly. She was there for me and helped me get through that, and then 2 weeks later she said it was over between us. My sister suggested maybe the reason she came back into my life was just to help me get through the passing of my two dogs, and that was it. Who knows!

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It's over. It really is.

 

 

 

That's a really good way to vent the frustration you are feeling.

 

 

 

Honestly, she kind of drifted back because she may have been lonely, had nothing better to do, still cares about you on some level - think sisterly care here. Ultimately, it makes no difference why, because the end result is that she is not into you that way. You are the one who needs to be strong and put a stop to all communications and not allow her to drift back in because when she does, you are the one with the strong feelings and you are the one who gets hurt. I think you are well on the way to moving on. Just stay strong and stay the course. It does get easier with time.

 

I think sometimes long term relationships can be like an old ratty sweater. Sometimes you feel cold and you put it on because it used to be your favorite, even though you know it's all yucky and worn out and should be thrown away. There is some sentiment still attached that makes it hard to toss in the trash. It doesn't mean that you want to wear it constantly anymore though. It's a passing thing. The problem with being that passing thing is that your emotions all get riled up. That's why I'm a big advocate of no contact period.

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This is so textbook behavior. She was just keeping you in the wings until she found someone else, weaning herself off you so to speak. Seen this so many times and was a victim of this behavior almost exactly.

 

She knows how you feel, nothing else you can do. You tried to make it work (good for you for trying) and that's all you can do. Now it's out of your control, it's up to her. If you need a break from her for awhile, take one then once the feelings have died down you can chat w/her occasionally while being a new improved person (who is over her).

 

Best advice I can give with being in such a similar situation years back is GET OVER HER AS FAST AS YOU CAN, FORCE IT IF YOU HAVE TO.

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This is so textbook behavior. She was just keeping you in the wings until she found someone else, weaning herself off you so to speak. Seen this so many times and was a victim of this behavior almost exactly.

 

She knows how you feel, nothing else you can do. You tried to make it work (good for you for trying) and that's all you can do. Now it's out of your control, it's up to her. If you need a break from her for awhile, take one then once the feelings have died down you can chat w/her occasionally while being a new improved person (who is over her).

 

Best advice I can give with being in such a similar situation years back is GET OVER HER AS FAST AS YOU CAN, FORCE IT IF YOU HAVE TO.

 

Yep. Like I said that's why I am so upset now, because all I want to do is get over her and get these feelings out of my system. I'm upset with myself for still having any feelings for her!

 

Edit: When we first broke up, she definitely weened herself off of me, and I understood that after the fact. I guess the hard part for me now is this time she did it right when I felt like we were finally getting much closer, getting close to becoming a couple again. A week before this happened, we were at her place and I was kind of venting after a tough week and she said 'well look on the bright side, you have a girl here who wants to be your girlfriend again, so it's not all bad.' I look back on that and it just makes no sense to me at all.

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This is so textbook behavior. She was just keeping you in the wings until she found someone else, weaning herself off you so to speak. Seen this so many times and was a victim of this behavior almost exactly.

 

She knows how you feel, nothing else you can do. You tried to make it work (good for you for trying) and that's all you can do. Now it's out of your control, it's up to her. If you need a break from her for awhile, take one then once the feelings have died down you can chat w/her occasionally while being a new improved person (who is over her).

 

Best advice I can give with being in such a similar situation years back is GET OVER HER AS FAST AS YOU CAN, FORCE IT IF YOU HAVE TO.

 

thats a nice post~!

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You need to accept once and for all that it had nothing to do with being distracted by some other guy, she is just not into you. If she truly loved you, she wouldn't notice the sexiest man in the world if she tripped over him.

 

Spot on!

 

You could very well be right, but I still do feel like she was being distracted by other guys. When we were apart in the fall is when she signed up for an online dating site, which she admitted messed everything up because she started seeing the attention she got from all these other guys while I wasn't giving her much attention at all.

 

Spot off.

 

She is confused because at the end of the day she is not into you. Rationally, she should be. In her mind you have all these positive things and you've done all this work on yourself and she should want to be with you, but that feeling is missing for one reason or another. You can't make it happen no matter what you do or how you try to rationalize. It's confusing. I know it's hard and all, but honestly, stop all this contact and trying to be really nice and leave that door open and that carrot dangling. (no suggesting you should be rude, but you should be clear it's over, firm, defined) As it is, you are just both stringing each other along, constantly stirring up the mud in the pond. You are making this break up a lot harder than it needs to be this way.

 

Spot on!

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About the bolded part. Does this feeling ever change in a person? I get it that there is nothing I can do and for whatever reason she is just not into me the way I am into her, but do women (or men) ever have the revelation that the person they were confused about actually was/is the person they want to be with?

 

By no means am I asking in hopes that she finally realizes 'oh I've made a huge mistake and need to be with wjv901', but I've just never had that feeling before and don't really grasp it. In my case, my ex had two long term relationships before me, and they were both with guys that treated her terrible They were mean, they were immature, and they had no future. When we broke up in March and she met another guy, she said he was incredibly immature and worked in some dead end, future-less job. Even now, it seems like she's met to another guy who fits this mold to some extent. It's hard for me to understand why someone would repeat that behavior so often when a better option is right in front of them.

 

I'm having a tough time wording the question and I'm not sure if the question makes sense, my apologies for that.

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Even now, it seems like she's met to another guy who fits this mold to some extent. It's hard for me to understand why someone would repeat that behavior so often when a better option is right in front of them.

 

Because she's not attracted to the "better on paper" option.

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