ok, i think it's gotten to the point of obsession.

[deejay74]

Ok, it's like when I used to play a particular MMO with an old ex of mine - When I finally deleted that character, I got stupidly emotional over it(embarrassing in hindsight!). I made that association with him. You make the social media association with her.

 

It's not embarrassing. we're human and have feelings.

 

well now, there's absolutely no association at all. i guess that hurts because deep down i hope that someday we can at least be friends. she was very special to me, regardless of her issues. i never loved someone so much. we were planning on getting married, for christ's sake. i never felt that way with anyone in my life.

[sharky988]

Happy Thanksgiving to you both!

 

Deejay, what about your phone? Does she call or text you?

[Cheetarah]

Letting go sucks. Symbols of letting go suck.

 

There was one relationship in particular I had THE toughest time letting go of. As it stands it was an on again/off again thing until we both said "No more. This hurts so much." We both thought the answer was to continue to go back to each other, all it was, was a short term fix to long term problems we just couldn't get past. I hated letting go of him, did so with resentment, almost. Took a couple years, actually - But I'll tell you right now, it was because I met my own resistance. Instead of disengaging I held on even by fantasy. It made the experience so much more difficult than it had to be. I also wanted to be friends but then I realized that we never could. It was just another way of holding on. Afraid to sever. Cushion the pain.

 

So these things you're doing, the way that you desire to hold on, they are necessary for you. If you go back sure, if you undo this or undelete that, or answer this email or text, yeah you can put off 6% of the pain for the time being, but you only drag out the healing process. And it will hurt much more later on.

 

Happy Thanksgiving, sharky!

[deejay74]

Happy Thanksgiving to you both!

 

Deejay, what about your phone? Does she call or text you?

 

nope. not at all. she blocked me from being able to call or text her shortly after the BU. so, in a way, that's good. truthfully, her contacting me about the tumblr blog was the first time she reached out in a very long time. i don't even remember the last time she voluntarily reached out. it was me who was trying to contact her previously.

 

Letting go sucks. Symbols of letting go suck.

 

There was one relationship in particular I had THE toughest time letting go of. As it stands it was an on again/off again thing until we both said "No more. This hurts so much." We both thought the answer was to continue to go back to each other, all it was, was a short term fix to long term problems we just couldn't get past. I hated letting go of him, did so with resentment, almost. Took a couple years, actually - But I'll tell you right now, it was because I met my own resistance. Instead of disengaging I held on even by fantasy. It made the experience so much more difficult than it had to be. I also wanted to be friends but then I realized that we never could. It was just another way of holding on. Afraid to sever. Cushion the pain.

 

So these things you're doing, the way that you desire to hold on, they are necessary for you. If you go back sure, if you undo this or undelete that, or answer this email or text, yeah you can put off 6% of the pain for the time being, but you only drag out the healing process. And it will hurt much more later on.

 

Happy Thanksgiving, sharky!

 

Letting go does suck. I guess I also need to accept that we probably can't be friends either.

 

I hope I can find someone special again and to feel loved. I want someone who is committed to me and will stick with me through the rough times and doesn't have unresolved feelings for someone else that doesn't even live in the same area and kept a more-than-just-friends relationship with him behind my back. That's who my ex was and what she did. She claims she was so committed to me and that I couldn't accept that. She has no idea what commitment means and said I am in denial because she was "so committed" to me. Yet, she broke up with me 5 times when things got tough.

 

I know this is for the best, but it still hurts.

 

Thank Cheetarah and Sharky for your support and responses.

[deejay74]

Ok, I started a Journal, which Cheetarah saw.

 

On letting go: why does it hurt, even when you know things aren't meant to be? I have a lot of regrets about some of the things I did post BU and I want to get over those regrets too.

 

Still thinking about my ex.

[Cheetarah]

You can't make matters of the heart logical, deejay. It is all par for the course.

 

I'll illustrate with my most recent ex(over a year and a half ago). We have a child together that he has yet to meet and probably never will. We split right before I found I was pregnant. He was awful nasty all throughout my pregnancy and for the past year(when he contacts me sporadically). I had to convince my heart to go along with my head. I didn't go back to him though he did try in the early months, because I knew that I couldn't raise a child together with him(as a couple) after what happened that led to the split. My heart wasn't in that though - Just my head. It took a long time for the heart to catch up with my decision. My heart wanted to shrink away the feelings of loneliness among other crappy feelings, not want to go through the pregnancy alone, not wanting to be a single mother, etc. I just went with my head's decision and figured with time and healing work, my heart would catch up. It did. My head proved to be right, as well. Not my heart. My heart was being silly and frivolous. Now the wants and desires match up.

 

Sometimes your heart can't be trusted. I personally don't believe in "Go with what your heart tells you". The heart can be too misleading when you are caught up in something bad. The heart wants the pain to STOP and stop right now, and what only answer to stop right now is to go back to the source and ease the feelings of loneliness, abandonment, etc. The heart has little patience, lol.

 

Why would you think the pain would be significantly less just because it's for the best? It's still a relationship, it still needs to be properly grieved, and you still have your issues of abandonment.

[deejay74]

wow, thanks for sharing your personal story. i can't even imagine what you went through, especially involving a child you had/have with your ex. it makes me feel embarrassed about my situation.

 

i keep reminding myself that it's only been 2 months since BU and less than a week since last contact.

 

i agree, i don't always believe with "go with what your heart tells you". sometimes my heart tells me to reach out to my ex. lol. yeah, the heart definitely has little patience, as do i.

 

my abandonment issues really suck big time. i trying to work on that now with my therapist, amongst other things. and i know overcoming those issues takes time too.

 

again, thanks so much for sharing your story.

[Cheetarah]

please don't, I just wanted to demonstrate how emotional matters often don't make any sense or match up to the reality of.the.situation, and how important it is to make.choices that nurture your well being even when they seem like they're torturing you.

 

it hasn't been long at all and yes, abandonment issues compound and complicate. and.you're right, it takes time, willingness and persistence. it's most important to stay on that track even when you're feeling better. a lot of people only seek therapy in crisis and when the depression lifts they leave, only to find themselves in the same situation in the near future. got to stick with it.

[deejay74]

please don't, I just wanted to demonstrate how emotional matters often don't make any sense or match up to the reality of.the.situation, and how important it is to make.choices that nurture your well being even when they seem like they're torturing you.

 

it hasn't been long at all and yes, abandonment issues compound and complicate. and.you're right, it takes time, willingness and persistence. it's most important to stay on that track even when you're feeling better. a lot of people only seek therapy in crisis and when the depression lifts they leave, only to find themselves in the same situation in the near future. got to stick with it.

 

no worries. i won't be reaching out to my ex, i was just giving an example of what my heart says sometimes.

 

i'm planning on sticking with therapy. i've done it in the past and saw someone for 5 years. this was when i lived in NYC. i moved back to the DC area in 2010 (this is where i am from) but had to stop therapy for a while. i tried a couple of different ones not too long ago but they weren't good.

 

i think i finally found someone that is actually helpful. so we shall see.

[Cheetarah]

Yeah I understand, I had to go therapist shopping, too before I just finally managed to get back on my old one's roster.

 

Can I ask what you did after the break up that you seem so ashamed over?

[deejay74]

Yeah I understand, I had to go therapist shopping, too before I just finally managed to get back on my old one's roster.

 

Can I ask what you did after the break up that you seem so ashamed over?

 

i'll send you a PM.

[ChocoBears]

So good to read this post. I also agree with what you said about the heart is slow to catch up to the brain. I'm in the situation you described above, and I constantly fantasize or think about or hope to get back together. We've broken up and gotten back together many times but it has never worked. It just hurts so much afterwards, you think that perhaps you belong together after all. You're right, they're just short term fixes that masks the problem temporarily. I also keep fluctuating between accepting it and moving on, and wanting to talk to him, see him, and attempt to get back together ASAP. It's so hard to let go and kill that hope in my heart

[ChocoBears]

Ok, I started a Journal, which Cheetarah saw.

 

On letting go: why does it hurt, even when you know things aren't meant to be? I have a lot of regrets about some of the things I did post BU and I want to get over those regrets too.

 

Still thinking about my ex.

 

What did you do after breakup that you regret?

 

I think it's because we had hopes and dreams of what could've happened with our exes that never came true. They're not meant to be as things happened now, but at one point, we had built a future with them, even if it was just in our own heads. It hurts when you realize that those hopes and dreams will not actualize. I have a lot of trouble with that.

[deejay74]

What did you do after breakup that you regret?

 

I think it's because we had hopes and dreams of what could've happened with our exes that never came true. They're not meant to be as things happened now, but at one point, we had built a future with them, even if it was just in our own heads. It hurts when you realize that those hopes and dreams will not actualize. I have a lot of trouble with that.

 

My ex and I got an apartment together with both our names on the lease. She walked out 2 days before she was supposed to move. I had already moved in before her.

 

Let's just say post BU i figured out how to get into her gmail and FB accounts. Then, I had a nervous breakdown and revealed too much info and she found out. I know it was wrong, so please don't tell me how wrong it was for me to do that. I had hit an all time low in my life and i regret what i did and feel terrible and ashamed.

 

she's still very angry at me and doesn't even think we could be civil to each other in the future now. i had apologized up and down, left and right and at point after the breakdown, we were actually still communicating and a somewhat civil manner and she forgave me.

 

but most recently, she was looking at my tumblr page (which i deleted), saw some posts that were about us that were completely anonymous and i guess it touched a nerve with her. 5 days ago, we had an email exchange about the whole thing and some of our past but she was so angry and nasty in her email. it ended with her saying "F*ck you" a couple of time and that we "could never be civil".

 

oh well.

[Batya33]

She's the victim of what you did. She's entitled to be angry. Perhaps she could have refrained from the cursing in her e-mail but to me it's understandable.

[deejay74]

She's the victim of what you did. She's entitled to be angry. Perhaps she could have refrained from the cursing in her e-mail but to me it's understandable.

 

Yes, I know. I feel horrible about it.